Pulling Puzzles Apart
Chapter Six :)
I couldn't believe what I'd just done, kissing him like that, what the hell is wrong with me? It must be the drink because I've never even kissed a man before. I wasn't thinking straight, I wasn't thinking at all. How am I going to face him now? I just can't, simple as, I can't face him after throwing myself at him. I expect he's having a good laugh about me now, laughing at what a fool I've been. I mean how did I think this would end? He shows me a bit of support, genuine kindness and this is how I repay him. I know that it's his job to listen, but it feels like he really listens to me. He's the first person who ever has and now I've gone and fucked it all up. I pick myself up from the floor and lay down on the sofa, images of what I'd just done flashing in my mind and then everything hits me like the worst punch that Terry ever gave me. It's then that I realise that we're not so different, only I don't want to be like him, but history is repeating itself and I can't seem to stop it.
I've lost everything that is good in my life and now I've lost Brendan as well. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, just when I thought that he might be the one to save me, just when I thought I was going to get my life back on track, it all goes wrong. I really thought that with his help I could fight my demons and finally beat them for good. I thought that doing this would make me a better man for Amy and a better dad for my kids, but now I just feel disgusted with myself. I'm totally ashamed and there is no way that I'm going back to see him now. I'm a mess and I've made a mess of my life, Amy deserves better and hopefully without me bringing her down, she can have the life she should've had all along. I have nothing to offer anyone; I can't even look after myself. My life has already been mapped out; there is no point in trying to change it. This is as good as it gets for me and being a total waster is all I've ever been and all I'll ever be.
I sit up and take a look at the job's that Brendan printed off for me, but I can't make out much, it just looks like a jumbled up mess of words. Maybe I should have told him that I'm thick as well, I mean I can barely read or write and I'm dyslexic. I rip them up in anger, anger that I'm so stupid, okay yeah it's nice of Brendan to bring them round, but I can't even fucking read them. I am never going to get a job, who would hire a useless lowlife like me? I get up from the sofa and get the remaining cider from the fridge. I don't even bother getting a glass, what's the point when I know I'm going to drink the lot. I was just about to sit back down on the sofa when I hear a knock at the door. I think about ignoring it for a second as no one ever knocks, especially when Amy is away, but I answer it anyway. I am totally shocked to see Brendan stood at the door. I try to close it, but he is quicker than me and before I know it I am being pushed backwards and he is stood in the hallway.
I nearly lose my balance, but I manage to keep from falling over and I watch him close the door and move towards me. The look in his eyes is unnerving and I wonder what the hell he is going to do to me. I move backwards until I am flush against the wall and he is moving closer and closer until he is almost inside my skin. I am scared now; he's probably here to teach me a lesson for trying to kiss him. I close my eyes and wait for the punch to come; only it doesn't, instead I feel his lips connect with mine. He pulls away and looks at me…really looks at me and then he places his lips against mine again and I feel my own lips moving slightly, letting him know that I want this too. He pulls away again, only this time he smiles a little and I know what's coming next when he grabs hold of me. He kisses me passionately and I kiss him back with everything I've got.
His lips feel amazing on mine, our tongues connect, tangle up together and I think I might have died and gone to heaven. I have never been kissed like this and I'm desperate for more. I feel his hands all over me, I want to touch him back more than anything, but I've never touched a man before and I don't want him to think I'm inexperienced, not when he clearly knows what he's doing. I feel him rub at my growing hard on and I moan into his mouth, I feel so turned on now and he knows it. I need some air, I want to pull away from him, but I can't, it's like my lips are super glued to his. His hand has now found its way underneath my trackie's and boxers and he is pulling at my cock impatiently. He is eager, almost frantic for it, but it's fine, I'm enjoying the ride. I feel a little more confident now and my hands are now all over him, almost as if I am copying how he touched me. My hand travels down to the buttons on his trousers and I want to feel him, just like he is feeling me, but I don't get very far.
He breaks the contact, moving away from me and I am left wondering what I'd just done wrong. We are both breathless and I am stood with my trackie's and boxers round by my ankles. I want to ask him why he pulled away, why I feel loss of a sudden, now that his lips have left mine, but I don't say anything and neither does he. Once his breath is back he turns away from me and makes his way over to the door. He opens the door and leaves, not looking back, which I'm glad about. What must I look like to him? I pull up my clothes, trying hard to hide the hardness that I now have thanks to him. It's throbbing now though, aching and I wish he was still here touching me, claiming me and taking me to places that I've never been before. Only I'm left alone and now I just feel stupid all over again. I make my way over to the sofa and I lay back down. Naturally my thoughts are of Brendan and my hardness isn't going anywhere, so I take out my monster hard on and beat it until I explode all over myself. I have no idea what he is thinking of feeling, but all I know is that I think I have just found something else to talk about at therapy.
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