Pulling Puzzles Apart
Chapter Twelve :)
Being with Brendan was great, more than great actually. He made me feel things that I didn't even know were possible to feel and more importantly I liked the person I became when I was around him. The sex between us was like nothing I've ever experienced before, intense and passionate yet close and loving all at the same time. He made me feel like I could be a better person that I could actually achieve something in my life and he looks at me in a way that simply takes my breath away.
He has given me somewhere to stay and for that I am grateful, but there is something in the back of my mind that makes me feel like I'm the one that is helping him. That me being here with him in his flat is keeping him sane and not the other was around. Maybe I'm going to be his sex slave, at his beck and call whenever he feels the need for a release. To be honest I wouldn't even care about that, it's more than I deserve anyway. I'm just not sure what to make of the situation I'm in.
He is fast asleep next to me; his arm is wrapped around me tightly, possessively even, but I am wide awake and itching to be free of his clutches. We'd just had the most amazing sex session, I should be on cloud nine, but all I can think about is my kids and the fact that I've just lost them. I manage to wriggle free from his hold, get dressed and leave the bedroom without waking him and I'm thankful for that. Right now I need to feel numb, free from the pain I feel inside; free from the mess I call my life.
I search the place for a bit of cash, anything that will get me a couple of drinks. I don't want a lot just enough to make me feel a bit better; you know take the edge off. Lucky for me I find a jar in the kitchen, I don't know how much is in there, but I take out forty pound and leave the flat quietly in search of the nearest pub. I haven't got far to travel, there are pubs everywhere. I enter the first one I come across and order a pint and a JD and coke. I find an empty table and start drowning my sorrows.
It doesn't take long for me to feel numb; drinking on an empty stomach works every time. I hate this sinking feeling I have; I don't feel in charge of my own life anymore, this therapy shit was supposed to help me not complicate my life further. Brendan has crossed the line with me and now I even have rules to live by. The more drink I consume, the more angry I feel. I mean who the fuck does he think he is? He says he wants to help…but right now Jack Daniels's is helping me.
My head is spinning now and I've lost count on the number of drinks I've necked. I can see some random staring at me a few tables away and I know that any minute now he's going to approach me. I must look a state to other people, but I really don't care…this is who I am. Ste Hay the drunken scally who not only beats his girlfriend but fucks blokes now as well. Terry would be so proud. I was right about the random, he's comes over and sits down opposite me.
"Hey mind if I join you?"
"It's a free country, I can't stop ya can I?"
"Thanks. So what's your name?"
"It's whatever you want it to be."
"You look like a James, so I'll call you James. I'm Dan by the way in case you're wondering."
"I'm not, but thanks."
"You had a bad day?"
"I've had many, but I'm good."
"Care to share?"
"Look mate I just wanna get shit faced and forget."
"Sounds good, I can help you forget if you like?"
"Oh yeah how?"
"I've got a couple of pills on me; they make you feel good…if you know what I mean."
"What are they?"
"Ecstasy...want one?"
"Don't really do drugs me."
"Are you scared?"
"I ain't scared of nowt mate."
"Prove it then."
This was a bad idea, but what the hell. I took the pill off of Dan and washed it down with my JD. He was grinning at me like a Cheshire cat and I could feel myself grinning back at him, he wasn't bad looking either, nothing at all like Brendan, but tasty all the same. Everything that happened next happened so quickly. Dan was a charmer and he had me outside and down an alleyway in no time at all.
I could feel his hands all over me; I could feel him kissing me, his tongue plunging deeply into my mouth. I was buzzing…totally buzzing, I can't ever remember feeling this alive. I didn't care who I was or what I'd done before, nothing mattered to me, but this moment. The love I was feeling for this random was obviously drug induced, but fuck it felt good. He didn't stop there, he undone my jeans and dropped to his knees ready to engulf the hardness he'd created.
He took my cock in his mouth and I found myself fucking his face violently. He took it too, took every thrust, he was hungry for me and I felt powerful…in control. I hadn't even given Brendan a second thought, at least not until I saw him standing in front of me with wild eyes, evil eyes, eyes that would frighten the strongest of men. I didn't feel buzzing anymore, reality was beginning to sink in and Brendan had pulled Dan away from me and started beating ten bells of shit out of him. I tried to help, I tried to get him to stop, but he was like another person…a machine.
"Brendan please stop. You will kill him."
I shout at him loudly, begging that he will listen to me, that he will stop before it's too late and thankfully he does. Dan is in a bad way, but I can't help him now. Brendan moves towards me and I'm scared…really scared, I wonder if I'm going to get the same treatment, but instead he picks me up and carries me all the way home to the flat. I don't try to escape; I don't ask him to put me down. I just allow him to carry me home in this degrading way.
We're home and the room is spinning, I feel sick and all I wanna do is go to the bathroom, but Brendan is mad and he is quizzing me, asking me twenty questions. He is ranting and shouting at me, he is ashamed of me, disappointed and all I feel now is regret. He will never look at me the same way now and I only have myself to blame. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to be anyone else but me.
"What the hell do ye think ye doing Steven? After everything I've done for ye this is how ye repay me. I should have left ye there, left ye being the lost cause that ye are. I thought I could help ye, but I can't help ye. I can't believe I let ye in, I can't believe I thought ye were special. I'm just a fucking idiot."
I couldn't even answer him; I mean what could I even say? How could I justify my actions after everything? I'm a lost cause he's right, maybe now he will give up on me. Maybe now he will see what everyone else sees…nothing. He chucks some money at me and tells me to get out and that I'm on my own. I can feel the bile in my mouth, I feel like I'm gonna throw up and then I do, all over his carpet.
"Jesus Steven at least be sick in the bathroom." He shouts.
I run to the bathroom because I can feel the sick in my mouth again. I stick my head in the toilet and my demons resurface. I hear Brendan come in; he sits down next to me and rubs my back. I don't think I've ever been so sick in my life. I hope Brendan doesn't throw me out I need him, but I don't think I can fix this.
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