Pulling Puzzles Apart

Chapter fourteen :)

I didn't get much sleep after that and morning came around too slowly, but the minute it did I got up and made my way into the bathroom to freshen up. Today is the beginning of my new life and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down again. I fill the sink up with water and splash it all over my face, it feels good on my skin, so good that I find myself doing it repeatedly. I decide on having a shower; I can't exactly go home to Amy begging for somewhere to stay smelling of drink and sick. So I climb into the shower and turn it on. I feel the warm water hit me and I feel a million times better already. I don't stay in there long I just do what I have to do and then I get out; I have a busy day ahead of me. Brendan must have heard the shower, because he is now stood against the bathroom door with his arms folded, clearly blocking my exit. I look at him, but my expression is blank, I'm not giving anything away and I will try my hardest to stay strong and not let him talk me round.

"Steven can we talk?"

"There is nothing to say. You showed me how you felt about me last night; can we just leave it at that?"

"About that…it didn't mean anything."

"And you're telling me this why?"

"Because I don't want to hurt ye."

"You haven't hurt me, I've hurt myself. I thought you actually cared, but I was wrong. You just like being in control. You used me for sex, my own therapist and I let you because I'm a fucking mess."

"It's not like that at all."

"Really? Then why fuck that bloke? Why do that in front of me? You know how messed up I am."

"I did it because ye had some other bloke sucking on ye cock. I did it because I wanted ye to know how it felt. You made me angry…so angry and I needed to release that anger somehow. I didn't want to…"

"You didn't want to what?"

"It doesn't matter…just forget I said anything."

"Don't worry I will. I intend to forget everything you've said to me. I just wanna forget and I wanna go home.

"Ye can't go home."

"Really? Watch me."

He thinks I'm going to stay here and watch him shag random men then he's got another thing coming. I try to leave the room, but he is still standing by the door and by the look on his face he has no intention of moving. I beg and plead with him but he still refuses to let me pass unless I talk to him. I reluctantly agree, but all I wanna do is get the hell out of here and go home…to Amy and the kids.

"Just hear me out Steven."

"Okay, but can I please just go and get dressed first?"

"Yeah sure just don't be doing a runner on me. I'll make us a cuppa."

He leaves me to it and I make my way back to the spare room and get dressed. I contemplate escaping him, leaving out of the window, but I don't think that is a very good idea. I like him, really like him, but I know that if I stay here, he will break my heart and destroy any tiny bit of confidence I have left. All I want is a bit of normality, but I don't think I'm going to find it with him, sometimes I think he is more fucked up than I am. I get dressed and make my way to the living room where Brendan is sat waiting, he looks nervous and uneasy, taping his fingers on his legs.

"Sit down Steven."

"I'm okay standing ta."

"Last night…I was out of my mind. It was stupid and it won't happen again."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. We're not together are we? I'm just a client or should I say ex client. We crossed a line and being here with you is making me even more fucked up. You know I like you, but this is my life not a game and I can't stay here knowing that I'm just a toy for you to play with when you're bored."

"That's not how I feel about ye Steven, ye must know that surely."

"No I don't, I mean we haven't talked much have we?"

"I liked ye from the minute I saw ye. The minute ye sat down on that chair in front of me I knew. I tried hard to fight every thought or feeling about ye, but when ye kissed me I knew I couldn't fight it anymore."

"So last night then, why?"

"Purely to be in control. I wanted to make you angry and jealous, all the things I felt when I saw ye and that bloke."

"I can't stay here with you Brendan, I feel like I can't breathe. You are playing with my head and I need to think clearly if I'm going to sort my life out."

"But I don't want ye to go."

"I'm sorry, but I have to, for my own sanity. Thanks for giving me somewhere to stay; I'll get my stuff another time."

I make way over to the door, but he pulls on my arm so tightly that he is actually hurting me. I try to wriggle free but it's no use he's not letting go.

"Let go of me Brendan, you're hurting me."

"I said ye are not going and I meant it."

He looks angry and I can't help but feel a little scared. Is this what Amy feels like every time I lose my temper with her? He must see that I'm shaking now because he lets go of my arm and backs away from me.

"I'm sorry Steven. I did try to warn ye about me didn't I? Let's just say ye had a lucky escape. Go now!"

He's shouting now, telling me to go, but now all I wanna do is stay. I wanna know why he is so mad, why he feels he has to control every situation. Something is clearly wrong and I wanna find out what it is.

"You can talk to me you know?"

"You playing therapist now? I thought I told ye to go."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Because I can."

I'm still standing by the door and he makes his way over to me. There is something different in his eyes, something I haven't seen before. He is standing close now, pushing me back further until I collide with the door.

"If ye don't leave I will make ye leave."

I see him draw back his fist and tears are now beginning to form in my eyes. He doesn't hit me though; he hits the wall by the door instead, over and over again. I can see blood pouring from his knuckles, he's shouting again, almost screaming and I just open the door and run, not looking back. Once I'm outside I think about going back to see if he is okay, but what would be the point, he is in no state to talk. I thought that therapy would be the making of me, not bring me down even further. Terry was right there must be something wrong with me; he told me once that everybody would know that I'm a nobody and he was right. I just bring out the worst in people. I walk around for a bit, but a few hours later I find myself going back to him, back to his flat, back to a place I feel bound to, but don't even know why.

I notice that the flat door is open and once I'm inside everything I can see is trashed and broken into pieces. I feel out of my depth here, but I search for him nervously anyway. I find him in the bedroom asleep, with blood stained fists. I take this opportunity to run my fingers through his hair and gently place my lips on his. He stirs and open's his eyes and I wonder if I'm going to make him mad again, but I don't and he pulls me down next to him and holds me in his arms. It's then I realise that maybe we have a little more in common than I thought. We don't talk at all, he just holds me close like I'm his only security and I let him because right now he's mine too.

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