Pulling Puzzles Apart

Chapter Fifteen :)

I let him hold me tightly and I pretend not to listen when I hear him quietly crying. I can feel the wet patch against my back, but I don't say anything to him, I don't want to make him angry again. I just allow him to release the negative emotions that he seems to be feeling right now. I want to break the silence, I want to ask him why he feels so bad, but I know he won't talk to me. Brendan listens, he doesn't talk and I don't think I'll ever change that.

"I know what ye must think of me Steven."

His broken voice almost makes me jump. Being laid together in silence for so long does that to you I suppose. I want to make it all better for him, but I don't even know what to say to him.

"I don't think anything Brendan. I was just worried that's all."

"What were ye worried about?"

"You're silly, I was worried about you."

"Even after how I treated ye?"

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really Steven. Let's just say you're not the only one with skeletons in their closet. I just wanna forget now."

"You need to talk though, isn't that what you tell me? We could help each other couldn't we?"

"Do ye really think it's that simple Steven? You have no idea what I've done or who I am."

"So tell me."

I watched as he moved away from me, got out of bed and left the bedroom. I wondered if I should go after him and make him talk to me. He looked so fragile, like a lost little boy, not at all like the man I first met. He came back in the bedroom minutes later and sat down on the bed next to me.

"A few years ago, there was someone…a client who killed himself. We became quite close over the time that I was his therapist. He was only Twenty two when he died."

"How did he do it…I mean how did he die?"

"He jumped off a bridge. They said his death would have been instant but that doesn't make it easier does it?"

I could see him struggling to tell me anymore, he looked devastated, like it had happened recently rather than two years ago.

"What was his name?"

"Vinnie."

"Is there something else Bren?"

"We were lovers and I…"

"It's okay you can tell me, I won't judge you. We all have a past."

"I used to hit him Steven. I have always been ashamed of being gay and I guess I just took it all out on him."

"I can't condemn you for something I have done Brendan."

"But I should know better. I'm a fucking therapist. I'm supposed to help people, not make them commit suicide."

I can't hide the fact that I'm shocked, it's weird listening to someone else admit their sins. Sins that are even greater than mine. I can see he's trying hard not to cry, the tears are forming in his eyes and I want to make everything okay, I want to take away the pain that is so evident in his heart.

"So why did he do it? Why did he kill himself?"

"He told me he loved me, he said he wanted to be with me. Unfortunately I didn't feel the same. He said if I didn't give him what he wanted then he would kill himself. I called his bluff and guess what? He wasn't bluffing."

"You can't blame yourself for not feeling the same."

"I led him on; I played with him and then beat him up when he got too involved."

"You didn't kill him though did you?"

"Really? I might not have pushed him, but I killed him. We had a fight that night too. It was the first and last time he ever hit me back. What kind of person does that? I'm no good Steven. I shouldn't even be helping other people when I can't even help myself."

"You can't blame yourself. It was his choice to end his life."

"He left me a note."

"What did it say?"

"He told me that I was the reason why he didn't want to live anymore. He told me that I would always have blood on my hands. I know the blood isn't visible, but I'm sure I can see it sometimes."

"You need to let this go Brendan. Okay so you hit him and although that's wrong you didn't kill him. You need to forgive yourself."

"I can't Steven, I've tried but I can't. It's with me every day and it never goes away. Why does it still affect me if it wasn't my fault?"

"Because you have a heart that's why."

"Since when did ye become so good at talking?"

"I don't know actually. I wish I could take some of my own advice."

"Whatever ye are going through Steven ye can beat it. I know ye can because unlike me ye are good."

"You can beat it too, you just have to believe."

"I've never told anyone about Vinnie. I thought that if ye knew that it would scare ye off."

"You said you see good in me, well I see good in you too. You're hard work sometimes, but I think I understand you a bit better now."

"I just don't want anything to happen to ye. I wanna protect ye Steven."

"So what is this? Us? I don't even know what you want from me."

"I know that ye are different from the others. I didn't feel for any of them the way I feel about ye."

"This is all new to me too you know."

"I still have trouble excepting that I'm gay, I think I always will. I blame my Da for that, but that's another story."

"So what now?"

"I know I don't want ye to go…stay with me...please?."

"I can't be like Vinnie though Bren."

"You're not and I would never put myself in that situation again. I'm not always good with words, I'm better at showing ye how I feel."

"And how are you gonna do that?"

"Like this."

And before I could say anything, he is there on top of me. He is cupping my face in his hands and brushing his lips gently across mine, a sweet prelude of what is about to come. He's teasing the corner of my mouth, making me wish for just a little more. And then he gives me more and he's kissing me with passion that makes me moan and gasp. His lips pressing deeply against mine and right now It feels like all of our problems had vanished. I feel his tongue stroking mine and then they join and move together. Nothing feels better than this and I love the fact that my body responds to every single touch. Right now it feels like we are the only ones in the world.

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