Pulling Puzzles Apart

Chapter Eighteen :)

Just re read last chapter of this and then the second chapter of collision. Both have alleyway scenes…oh dear how did that happen? Sorry about that. Anyway thank you once again to all you lovely loyal reviewers. It means more to me than you will ever know.

"So you wanted to talk Brendan?"

"What now? We've only just got in Steven. Let's just watch some crappy tele and chill out."

"I think we need to discuss your behaviour Bren."

I didn't want to get all deep and meaningful on him, but he scared the shit out of me earlier and I needed to know why he's so temperamental. I love being with him, but I'm always on edge and wondering what kind of mood he's gonna be in. I guess now I know what Amy felt like around me.

"But it's hard for me to talk about certain things. If I tell ye…if I tell ye the truth about me, ye won't want me anymore and I don't think I can cope with that."

"Do you think that little of me? Do you honestly think that I won't want you?"

"But I've done things Steven…I've done bad things, things I'm not proud of."

"Haven't we all? Look at me; I used to beat up Amy. I tried to control her and look where it got me. I'm a crap Dad to my kids and I don't think I'm ever gonna turn my life around."

"Don't say that Steven okay. You're a good person, you've just made mistakes."

"Look Bren, this isn't about me is it? I need to know more about you…I want to know."

"But you'll leave me…"

I wonder what he's done that is so bad that he thinks I would walk away from him. I don't think I could walk away from him even if I wanted to now. It's like I'm under his spell, completely and utterly his, there is no one else for me, that I'm sure of.

"I won't leave you Bren…I promise."

I could see how much he was struggling to open up to me, but if we are going to try and be together then he has to be honest with me and tell me everything. I sat down on the sofa and watched how he paced the room backwards and forwards repeatedly. After a few minutes he sat down next to me and started to share bits of his troubled past with me.

"I hurt people Steven, it's what I do. Everything that I touch turns bad, because I'm bad. I'm a freak, a monster and I don't know why I'm even trying to be with ye when deep down I know that I am totally unlovable."

"Bren…no…"

"Steven I need to get this out. Please let me finish."

"Okay."

"I've killed someone. I took a man's life and I wasn't even sorry. What kind of man does that hey? He had it coming though, he tried to rape Chez. No one and I mean no one touches my family; I'll do whatever it takes to protect those I love."

See I knew it wouldn't be that bad, does he really think I'm going to leave him after that? He's a hero in my eyes. I would do the same for Leah.

"You did what you had to do Bren. I would have done the same."

"There's more Steven. Much more. I killed someone else. A young lad, he couldn't have been any older than 18. I sold him some drugs. Bad drugs, drugs that left him in a vegetated state. Drugs that killed him. I didn't mean for him to die, I really didn't Steven, you have to believe me."

I watch him intently as he looks anywhere but at me, he is shaking and I reach out to touch his hand, only he moves away from me.

"I do believe you. So you did some bad things? Haven't we all. I can't say anything especially when I dabbled in drugs myself. You weren't to know that he was going to die."

"The thing is though I didn't care. At that point in my life I just did what I had to do to survive. I was young, married with two small children and I needed the money."

"You were married? But I thought…and kids. I didn't know you had kids?"

Married…kids and it took him this long to tell me. Is it normal to be more bothered about that than the murders? He knows what I'm thinking, I can tell he does. It's the way he's looking at me, reading me like I'm a page in a book.

"Does it bother you that I've got kids Steven?"

"No of course not, how could it bother me I have kids too. Boys, girls?"

"Two boys, but we don't see that much of each other. Eileen my now ex-wife thinks I'm no good for them. She is right of course."

"But every kid needs their dad."

"Do they? Do they really? I used to believe that, but then you've never met my Da."

"Did you not get on with each other?"

"You could say that Steven, I wish that was all it was. He was a very difficult man, a very disturbed man and he…"

"He what Bren, come on you can tell me. I won't judge you."

His mood changed then, It was like a switch. I don't even know how I became the shrink and Brendan became the patient, but it felt good to be listening to him. We are more alike than I thought and whatever the story is between him and his Dad I want to be there for him. Brendan stood up and began pacing the room again. I could almost see the anger building up inside him and I knew what was coming next…rage, a violent outburst and I had to try and stop it. I went over to him and attempted to hold him in my arms. He pushed me away at first, but I don't give up.

"Get away from me Steven, I don't wanna hurt ye."

"You won't hurt me. Just let me help you…come here."

I pulled him in to my arms again and this time he doesn't push me away. Instead he clings to me desperately and releases all his emotions. He is sobbing now, crying his heart out and all I can do is hold him tightly and tell him that everything is going to be okay.

"Don't leave me Steven…please don't leave me."

"I'm not going to leave you. Nothing you've said has changed anything. I'm not going anywhere do you hear me?"

"But my Da he..."

"I think that's enough talking for one night don't you? Now let's go and watch some of that crappy tele."

We sat down on the sofa and I pulled Brendan into me. It felt strange with his head on my chest, usually it was the other way around with us. No other words were spoken for the rest of the night and Brendan soon fell asleep on me. He looked pained, even in his sleep and as I ran my fingers through his hair, I wondered what his Dad had done to him to make him feel this way. I kissed his head and closed my eyes, maybe tomorrow he would tell me.

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