Pulling Puzzles Apart

Chapter Nineteen :)

Just so you know Ste has never known his real dad and I've included his mum's death into the story. Thanks for reading and reviewing xxxx

I woke up alone the next morning, Brendan wasn't even in the room and I wondered where he could be. I checked every other room, but found no sign of him. I couldn't help but feel panicked; he was in such a state last night and maybe talking about everything had made him feel worse about it all. I know how hard it is to admit to how you really feel and last night he admitted so much to me. Maybe he's scared in case I do feel differently about him, but I told him that wouldn't happen. I can't even go and look for him; I mean I have no idea where he could be and I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm about to head for a shower when I hear keys in the door.

"Hey where have you been? I've been worried about you."

"I just thought I'd pop out and get ye some breakfast. You looked so peaceful and I didn't wanna wake ye."

"I thought that you were regretting what you told me last night."

"Steven I told ye because I trust you and I know that you understand me. Plus you're an amazing shag so I regret nothing. I do have other shit going on in my head, shit that you will need to know about, but I'm just not sure how you're going to feel about it."

"I told you last night I'm never gonna feel any differently about you. There are things I need to tell you too. You're not the only one with a past."

"Right let's eat this food on the sofa and then we can talk about that past of yours."

"On one condition, you share the rest of yours too"

"I think you've got yourself a deal Steven Hay."

Breakfast consisted of a bacon roll and a latte, I couldn't think of a better way to start the day. Well there was one, but with Brendan wanting to talk I guess I'd have to wait for that. I'd much rather be in his arms, soaking in every inch of him, but for now this would have to do. Brendan was so worried about me not wanting to be with him after hearing about his past, but what if after hearing about mine he decides that he doesn't want to be with me.

"Penny for them?"

"You what?"

"Your thoughts, penny for them."

"Sorry I'm just miles away."

"What are ye thinking?"

"Right what happens if after I tell you about my life that you decide you don't want me?"

"Steven ye don't get it do ye? This is not some fling for me. I've told ye things that I've never told another living soul. I guess maybe now would be a good time to tell ye how I really feel about ye."

"And how do you feel about me Bren?"

I waited for what felt like an eternity and when he finally spoke all the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

"I love ye Steven. Do ye see now why I can't lose ye? I love ye more than I thought was humanly possible."

I wanted to say it back more than anything, I really did. In my whole life I've never felt as wanted as I do right now. He makes me feel like I can achieve anything and I know that if we're together that anything is possible. I could be a better man and so could he. Okay so our relationship wasn't practical and it was far from normal, but that doesn't mean to say it won't work. I know that if I don't at least try then I will regret it for the rest of my life.

"What are ye thinking Steven? You've gone quiet."

"I'm just thinking how involved I am. I'm thinking that if you leave me now that I honestly think it will break me. Okay so we didn't have the best of starts, but that doesn't mean it's always going to be that way for us does it?"

"No of course not, it will get better, I promise. So how involved are ye?"

"I can't walk away involved."

"Why can't you walk away Steven?"

"Because I love you too Bren."

"What did ye say? Tell me again."

"I said I love you too."

"Again!"

"I love you."

And before I could say another word Brendan is taking control of my lips again. I feel my whole body shudder at his touch and I just wish that time would stand still, so that I'll always be in this moment. I feel his tongue invade my mouth and I reciprocate giving him everything I've got. When Brendan does pull away he is actually smiling at me and I just can't get enough of him.

"This is crazy!"

"Why is it? We fit together Steven. We get each other and I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I want this, I want ye and as long as ye are in my life then nothing else matters."

"Do you really mean that Bren? I want to be with you more than you know, but things like this just don't happen to people like me."

"People like you? Ye are amazing and I won't hear ye say anything different. Do ye hear me?"

"I hear you."

"Now this past stuff, do ye wanna start? I already know a bit about ye, but feel free to share anything ye want with me."

I hadn't told him about so much, never had the chance really, but now nothing was stopping me from telling him my biggest secrets. I've never wanted to share my past with anyone before, but Brendan is so easy to talk to and I know he's been through similar things.

"Well you know pretty much everything about Terry. He was scum; he beat me every chance he had. He took away everything from me, he moulded me into the person I am now. I know that I will always suffer because of him, it's just the way it is and I think I've accepted that now."

I could feel Brendan's hand on my leg, but I couldn't look at him, not yet. There was one thing that could possibly change everything and I couldn't look in his eyes and see it.

"My mum Pauline wasn't your normal, average mum as you already know and about a year ago I found out she had cancer. By this point Terry had run off with a younger model and my mum had no one. I tried to forgive her, tried to love her again and I did for a little while."

"Why a little while? What happened Steven?"

"She asked me to help end her suffering. I killed my own mum."

I still didn't look at him, but when I felt his arm wrap around me I knew he wasn't judging me. He pulled me even closer into his chest and I broke down in his arms.

"Steven I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

"Why would you? It was still wrong though, I murdered my own mum and not only that I beat up the mother of my kids. Have you ever hit a woman Bren?"

"No, but I've hit people. You know some of what I've done."

"But how could you want me knowing what I am? How could you still love me after that?"

"Steven there is nothing that you could say or do that would make me stop loving you…nothing."

"What did I do to deserve you, hey?"

"You may not feel that way when I tell ye about my past."

"I don't care Bren. You don't even have to tell me anything. I want you end of."

"No it's only fair Steven, but this could take a while. How long have you got?"

"Forever."

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