Pulling Puzzles Apart
Chapter Twenty :)
This chapter is going to be from Brendan's POV, rather than Ste's. I hope that this is okay and doesn't mess up the flow of the story. Some parts are upsetting, sorry for that. Thanks again for any reviews and follows :)
I never thought that this day would come. I'm about to share the most intimate part of my past with someone else and I'm terrified. Steven makes it so easy though, I almost feel normal when I'm with him. Usually I'm the one who listens, I'm really not used to this talking shit and letting people get close, but with him I just can't help it. He gets me, he understands and if I back out now I might just lose him forever and I can't do that. He lives in me now, in my heart and under my skin. I can't see my life without him in it now. I've been trying to help him, show him just how good he could be, but I think it's me who needs the help this time. I just hope that he doesn't walk away from me when I've finished telling him. I ask him how long he's got and I get all chocked up when he tells me forever. I guess I'm about to find out if that's really true.
He sensed that I was scared, even kept telling me that I didn't have to do this and that we could carry on as normal without talking, but I had to tell him everything. Our relationship wouldn't stand a chance if I didn't and although I didn't really need reliving it all over again and being torn apart, I need him in my life more. I often wonder what kind of childhood I would have had if Seamus wasn't around. Maybe I would have done better at school, built lifetime friendships. Maybe I would have liked girls instead of boys. I often think back and wonder what I did so wrong to deserve it, but I can't think of anything, at least nothing that would justify his disgusting actions towards me. A father should love his son and help make all his dreams come true, but Seamus just gave me nightmares that have lasted my whole life and that I know will never leave me. Sometimes there are things in life that you just can't get over no matter how much times passes, for me he is one of them.
"I was a quiet kid. Ye know never spoke out of turn and always did as I was told. I looked up to my Da, used to think he was something else with his sharp suits and dashing good looks…always reminded me of a film star. He was always well groomed too, never a hair out of place and the women, well they loved him. He was respected by everyone, especially me, but that respect soon changed to disgust when he showed me a different way how a father loves his son."
I could see the look in Steven's eyes. Full of sympathy and compassion and in that moment I really wanted to feel him wrap his arms around me, but I knew that if he had of that I would fall apart and I can't do that yet, not until I've finished. He puts his hand on my arm and I flinch away. I hope he understands why.
"I don't really know how or why it started only that it did. I knew that Seamus had a temper so I always tried to behave myself and stay out of trouble, but even that couldn't keep the monster from coming into my bedroom at night. In the end it didn't matter how I behaved, I was always a bad boy in Seamus's eyes."
You're a bad boy and you need to be punished. His words echoing through me even now.
"The first time was the hardest, after that it became normal, a part of my day. I remember daydreaming that night, lying awake and imagining what it would be like to be superman, being a hero and saving the world. I pretended to be asleep when he came into my room, I thought he'd just come to check on me, but as he got nearer my bed I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing. I opened my eyes fully to see him standing in front of me. The smell hit me first, so much so that I was almost sick. Da often got drunk, I was only eight years old I already knew the names of most drinks. Whisky was his favourite; whisky was on his breath that night, fueling the already burning fire inside him. He took off his coat and undone his belt removing it from his trousers. I might have only been eight, but I knew I was in trouble."
You've been a bad boy Brendan! Do you know what happens to bad boys? You need to be punished.
"I begged him to stop, but nothing I said made any difference."
Stop your whining boy. If you make a single sound I swear you'll regret it. Now take off your pyjamas and turn around.
"I could hardly speak, tears streaming down my face. I can see it all in my head like it was yesterday. He whipped me eight times, one for every year of my life. I can remember screaming into my pillow, I can remember wanting someone to save me, but no one came…no one ever came."
Now for your real punishment boy!
"There was more to come, but my beaten, broken body couldn't take anymore and nothing could've prepared me for what happened next. I turned to face him, he was still standing tall above me, his hair messy and out of place. I'd never seen him that way before. He was breathing erratically and I'm sure I saw the devil in his eyes. I watched with horror as he undone his trousers, freeing himself and climbed onto my bed."
You will take your punishment and you will keep quite. I thought I'd be nice and whip you first, so that this won't hurt as much.
"I cried and I begged, but nothing changed the outcome of that night. He let himself go while I was slowly falling apart. He was done with me within minutes, but the pain that he caused me would last me a lifetime. It happened regularly after that, but in a way I was glad because it meant that he wasn't doing it to Chez. I had to protect her; I had to keep her safe. I was eight years old and I was abused physically and sexually by my own Da. I became a damaged mess and no one ever got close to me…until ye Steven."
"Bren…I don't know what to say."
"Don't cry Steven, I don't want ye to be upset."
"But you had no one to help you. You were eight years old and no one helped you. I just don't understand how he could do that to you."
"Steven…"
"It's just sick that's what it is."
"Steven!"
"What Bren?"
"Ye can hold me now."
"I'm so sorry…come here."
He pulled me lovingly into him, his arms wrapping tightly around me and for the first time in my life I didn't feel alone. I sobbed into him, his tears falling onto my face, merging as one with my own.
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