Pulling Puzzles Apart

Chapter 23 :)

I will finish all these stories. Thank you to everyone who is still reading and reviewing, it means a lot :)

"Steven…Steven, please let me in."

I could hear the desperation in his voice as he repeatedly knocked on the door. Part of me wanted to open it and forget that he thinks so little of me, but if I do then our so called relationship will always be this way. I hated being like this with him especially after us opening up to each other, but I guess my previous track record will always go against me. I can't believe he thought that I was getting off my face and sucking on some random blokes dick for the evening. I wouldn't do that to him again…not now. I know we still don't really know each other that well, but I do know that deep down he is probably even more messed up than I am.

"Steven I'm not going away, so you may as well just open the door."

I know that I will eventually let him in, but right now I want to make him sweat a bit longer. He is struggling with his feelings, but he forgets that I am struggling too. I have fallen in love with him…hook, line and sinker and all this is new to me. I thought I'd been in love before, but nothing I've ever experienced compares to the way that he makes me feel. We are the same…we are both screwed up from the harsh realities of life, but he makes me want to be a better person and with him by my side and on my side I really think I can be.

"I'm sorry okay Steven…I really am. Please don't punish me. I didn't mean what I said."

I reluctantly open the door and when I look at his face I can see that he's been crying. He invades my personal space straight away and wraps his arms around me holding me tight. I know he's sorry, but I can't help but wonder if we somehow make each other worse. Maybe we are both too damaged to give each other anything, maybe all we will ever bring to each other is more misery. How can we ever work? He's the psychiatrist, but he's more fucked up than I am and I don't know how much more I can cope with.

"I can't keep doing this Bren."

"What do ye mean Steven?"

"Being like this…you don't trust me and I guess you've got every reason not to, but with everything else that's going on in my screwed up brain I just can't handle it."

"I said I was sorry Steven and I meant it. Please can we just forget it? Let's go and sit down in the living room and we can talk some more."

We sit down on the sofa together, Brendan sits close with his hand resting on my leg and all can think of is escaping from this situation. He is obsessive and jealous and all I wanted him to be tonight is proud of me. He saw some good in me when we first met and I desperately wanted to show him that I can be good, but he won't see me as anything else than a dirty skank.

"I couldn't wait to tell you…I was dead excited about it. I kept smiling to myself at work because I thought you'd be proud of me, but I was wrong. I'm always gonna be dirty scum to you aren't i?"

"Can ye blame me Steven? look what happened last time you went off. What am I supposed to think?"

"You are supposed to trust me…I thought we were past that and anyway you fucked another bloke so I think we are equal don't you?"

I hated this, hated that we were arguing about something that didn't even happen. He says he's sorry, but we are still rowing about it and I can't see us sorting things tonight.

"I told ye to be careful didn't I?"

"Meaning what Brendan?"

"With me. I told you that I'm messed up. It was only a matter of time before you saw that yourself. So what ye gonna do Steven? ye going?"

He takes his hand off my leg, but I'm too pissed off with all the mind games he's playing to care. Going where I thought to myself. Maybe I should just go, call his bluff and make him realise that he can't always treat me like the fuck up when he is one too. I'm sure Amy would let me come home if she knew I had a job.

"Are you trying to push me away Brendan?"

"I push everyone away. You certainly wouldn't be the first and probably won't be the last."

"Thanks for that. You really know how to make me feel good. I wanted to prove to you how serious I am about us, but you've caused this by being paranoid and now we are arguing about nothing. I got a job Brendan, it's a big thing for me, but you've turned tonight in to a fight and you being drunk makes it worse."

"Well ye know what to do if you don't like it."

He confuses me so much and the constant change in his mood is not helping me. Ten minutes ago he's saying sorry and now he's telling me to go…I really don't wanna go, but he's giving me no other choice. I get up from the sofa and even though I can't see his face I can feel his eyes all over me. I grab my phone…nothing else and I leave the flat. I thought that Brendan would come after me, but the further away I got I knew he wasn't going to.

I pull my phone out and dial Amy's number, she seems quite happy for me to come home for a few days. I think the mention of my new job swung it for me…at least she's proud of me I guess. I'm sat on the bus when a text from Brendan comes through.

*Where are you Steven?*

I wanted to reply so badly, I hate fighting with him, but I need to make him see that he can't treat me like this. He made this happen tonight not me and he's gonna need to do more than send a sorry text. I feel dead proud of myself for two reasons tonight…not only did I bag myself a job, but I argued with Brendan and didn't go on a bender. Maybe living with Brendan is more therapy than i actually thought. My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I don't look at it, I know who it's gonna be. I feel so sad about us, if Brendan could only see how in love with him I am then things would be different. At least I get to see my kids…I've missed them so much.

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