His stomach clenched and coiled as he sat by her bed with his head dropped down and resting in his hands. He had long since pulled a chair over to relieve his legs after they had become numb from standing too long. The doctor suggested going and getting some sleep on several occasions, with the assurance that she would let him know if anything changed. Each time she tried, he declined. It was well into the early hours of the morning Kaidan knew that much but, he had no idea of the exact time. Most of the crew retired hours ago before, other than the few who remained on night watch.
Only he and Dr. Chakwas remained in the Normandy's medbay. The Doctor was diligent in her duties, checking Shepard's vital signs every hour. She monitored changes and ran scan after scan, most of which the details were well beyond Kaidan's comprehension. From what she had said there was nothing wrong, at least nothing that showed up on any of the tests. An elevation in brain function but, nothing that should have prevented the Commander from waking. So why hadn't she?
His stomach clenched again, tighter than the previous times. From beside him he heard what sounded like a whimper coming from the bed. It was enough to have him raise his head and look at her. Light ripped right through his eyes, biting into his temples with a sudden burst of pain. He swallowed and drew in a sharp breath before focusing on slower steady breaths to push through the pain. Migraines weren't new to him but this one was worse than he had suffered in a while. With each breath the pain, caused by the steady throbbing that seemed to surge right across his forehead, subsided enough for his vision to clear.
His eyes fell to her face. Kimberly's eyelids were closed but fluttering wildly. Lines appeared across her forehead as it wrinkled into a frown. Right before her entire face shifted, contorting with pain. "Doctor," he said into the silent room, a hint of panic lacing his tone. "I think something is wrong, she doesn't look-," he paused for a moment as he bit back a grunt when pain shot in behind his eyes. "She doesn't look comfortable," he concluded through slightly gritted teeth.
"Either do you," the Doctor commented. Her eyebrows raised with concern as she moved over beside Shepard's bed. They flicked from Kaidan to the read outs on the monitors. "It appears she is dreaming, which is more than I can say for you," Karin chided as she turned her attention back to him.
"I'm fine," he mumbled under his breath. Not really convincingly, he sure didn't feel that fine. His head was pounding like a jackhammer which just added to how bad he was feeling over Shepard laying on the bed to begin with.
"At least let me get you something for that migraine," she said knowingly.
"Yeah, alright," he responded begrudgingly. He was never one to complain, the pain and headaches had been a part of him for as long as he could remember. Possibly his entire life. It was the looks of concern his mother always gave him when he was unwell and the pain in her expression because she couldn't stop his, that eventually had him learn how to hide it. He learned to bite back the complaints and behave as if he wasn't hurting. So that she wouldn't worry.
As the doctor moved away to organise some painkillers for him, Kaidan's attention turned back to Kimberly. Her face had smoothed out again, her eyelids remained still over her eyes. She looked almost peaceful and relaxed. He had noticed that she didn't look that way on duty, her entire stance changed to something more strained and tense.
The bed felt cool against his wrist as he reached across to find her fingers. Kaidan curled his own around her hand, his thumb brushed gently across her knuckles. Unlike the roughness felt on her fingers from hard work in the field, the back of her hand was smooth. It reminded him of how her bare back had felt, silky and smooth, under his fingertips. Broken only by the few scars that marred her, when he had explored his way along her spine.
His fingers trailed up her arm as he remembered the way her muscles had twitched and responded to his touches. They remained still and unmoving under the tips of his fingers as he reached her upper arm. He remembered the way he had coaxed soft moans and shudders from her lips when he had explored her more intimate places. A pleasant warmth spread throughout his stomach in response to those memories, replaced a moment later by guilt coiling through his veins. How could he be sitting there thinking about her in that context, when she was unconscious on a medical bed?
"It's my fault you are here," he mumbled quietly as his fingers stilled but remained resting on her upper arm.
The doctor's voice startled him out of his thoughts and caused his hand to snap back. "Nonsense," she chided as she held out a glass of water and two pills for him. "You couldn't have known what would happen and if the Commander was awake, she would say the same thing herself."
He took the glass and watched as she dropped the pills into his outstretched hand. Popping them both into his mouth at the same time, Kaidan gulped them down with a mouthful of water before he proceeded to drink the remaining liquid from the glass. He handed the empty glass back to the doctor as he spoke. "An alien device, completely unknown and I had to go and let my curiosity get the better of me. If I didn't…" his voice trailed off. If he didn't walk over there then she wouldn't have jumped in to help him. "Why isn't she awake yet?"
Karin pressed her lips into a thin line as she appeared to be considering her response. "Honestly, I am not really sure. There is no damage showing on any of the scans, nothing physical at least. It is all guesswork at this point. Going by her brain activities I would say she has extra memories, or data to process from the beacon. I do know torturing yourself over this won't help anything and the Commander will wake when she is ready."
Kaidan let out a frustrated sigh although, his anger was more directed at himself then anything or anyone else. He should have been the one laying there on that bed, not her.
The seconds rolled into minutes, the minutes into hours as he remained by Kimberly's side. The more time to pass, the more his concern grew. What if she never woke up from whatever that thing did to her?
The doctor had given into the need for rest and set up a temporary cot in the back room for herself, so that she would still be close. Kaidan refused to let sleep take over completely, although he did find himself dozing in the chair from time to time. The painkillers had eased his migraine somewhat dulling the pain but, not the tension that pulled across his shoulders sending aches up along the back of his neck.
His attention was drawn to the increased activity in the officer's mess hall. It was the first real indication he had of just how much time had passed. Crew members were grabbing themselves a bite to eat for the morning before returning to their duty shift and Kaidan knew he should probably have been doing the same thing. He just couldn't bring himself to care if he missed a shift or, even care if he found himself in trouble for missing it.
He dropped his head forward until it rested on the side of her bed, one hand reached up so he could knead away the tension from his neck with his fingers. The edge of the bed felt pleasantly cool under his forehead. Every now and then he caught the faint scent of her, which made him realise that it must be a perfume she used regularly. It was the same scent he had smelled on her their night together, one that reminded him of sweet berries just freshly ripened and ready to be picked.
As more time passed the sounds and activities in the mess dissipated leaving a quiet lull over the medbay once more. He allowed his eyes to drift closed, forehead still resting on the edge of the bed. He must dropped off to sleep because the next thing he became aware of was a warm sensation against the back of his head followed by movement. Fingers that felt as if they were caressing his scalp. The sensation was soothing and almost tempted him to hold on to that groggy feeling and give into the call of sleep once more. Something in the back of his mind edged him towards wakefulness as it reminded him that he should be aware and more alert, that fingers caressing his scalp wasn't a normal sensation.
As soon as Kaidan shifted to stave off the fog of sleep, the warmth instantly vanished from the top of his head as she abruptly pulled her hand away.
He blinked as he lifted his head, awareness taking hold. "Shepard?"
She was laying there, propped up partly by pillows behind her head and back. Her deep blue eyes meet his gaze. "You look like shit," she commented with an amused tone before something else flickered through her eyes. Either he wasn't awake enough to read the expression properly or, she was hiding it from him so that he couldn't read her. "How long have you been here and how long was I out?"
"We have been back on the ship for about eighteen hours, I think," he responded purposely ignoring the other question. "How are you feeling?" he asked with genuine concern.
She shrugged and then winced, "Head hurts a little but, I'm fine."
Kaidan's stomach twisted as he watched her. The squinting of her eyes, the wince which repeated itself more than once and the involuntary flicker of her eyelids all suggested she was downplaying the pain that was evident. At least evident to someone who had suffered migraines for most of his life. "I'm sorry…" he started and then stumbled, uncertain of what else he could add that would make up for his mistake.
Her eyes narrowed and bore right into his, "For what?"
"I should have known better then to approach an unknown object like that. If I had just stayed away then none of this would have happened." He dropped his eyes away from her gaze as he looked down at the side of the bed. At least he had been given the opportunity to apologize, that was something. Kaidan was well aware that the outcome could have been far worse.
He heard the creak of the medical bed as she shifted and became aware of that sweet scent of berries as it taunted his nose. A hand shot out and grasped his wrist, her fingers wrapping around him. "Look at me," she said firmly, with a tone that demanded attention.
Kaidan raised his eyes, he swallowed hard as he realised she had leaned forward and was only inches from his face. Her deep blue eyes peered right into his and held an intensity to them that he couldn't make sense of. Especially not while his heart was thumping so hard in his chest. She was close enough that when she exhaled, he could feel her warm breath spread across his lips.
"You had no way of knowing what would happen," she said. Although her voice was calm but firm, the biting of her fingernails as they dug into his wrist gave away the mask she was obviously trying so hard to keep in place. "Never feel guilty for what is beyond your control. Ever. Do you hear me?"
"Commander-," he started, intending to protest.
She cut him off quickly, her fingernails pressed harder into his skin, "No matter what happened or what happens from here on out. There are things you can't control, things that you can't possibly predict. Guilt eats away at you a little a time until there is nothing left. Don't let it."
Abruptly she released his arm as she moved back to the pillows. The suddenness left him stunned and confused, that was until a deep voice spoke from behind his back.
"Commander, I am glad to see you are awake again," Captain Anderson said as he moved in beside Kaidan's chair.
The previous intensity in Kimberly's eyes had vanished, leaving them clear and calm as she turned her attention to Captain Anderson. "Thank you Sir," she responded.
Kaidan wasn't as quick to recover, his head was still reeling both from her recent closeness and his need to figure out the meaning behind her words. Or rather her actions and the hidden fierceness behind them. "If you will both excuse me, I really should be going," he said as his voice finally returned to him.
His legs were somewhat unsteady as he stood up from the chair to take his leave. Both from sitting for so many hours in the one place and from lack of sleep. The Captain gave him a short nod of acknowledgement. Kimberly's eyes, he noticed, lingered a little longer as she appeared to be assessing his current state.
"Make sure you take the time to get some sleep Lieutenant," she said just as he neared the door to the medbay. It was issued more as an order but, he thought he heard a softness to her tone. Or perhaps he just wanted to hear it and it never existed at all.
A growl of protest from his empty stomach helped him decide that grabbing a bite to eat first was probably the best plan. He hadn't eaten since before the mission. Once in the mess hall he glanced down at his wrist, red marks marred his skin from where her nails had been. Kaidan found his eyes traveling to the medbay window as he watched her standing there talking to the Captain. Her reaction and the intensity that had been behind her gaze, had been extreme. He was almost certain secrets hid behind her otherwise calm exterior, now more than ever. It was a hidden pain and the thought of that made his gut twist into a knot. Every so often during the mission he had caught a glimpse of her, the spark of life that for the most part wasn't there but probably should have been. The thought of her suffering for any reason tugged at something inside him. A protectiveness that he had thought was lost to him a long time before.
After watching Kaidan's retreating back as he left the medbay she turned her attention to the Captain. Considering the Eden Prime mission and all that took place, she knew there would be a lot to discuss with the Captain. Questions that he would need answered directly from her no matter what reports had already been given. At least her head wasn't aching nearly as much as it was when she first opened her eyes.
"It sounds like you had an interesting day yesterday," the Captain remarked.
"Interesting is not exactly how I would describe it Sir," she responded with a hint of sarcasm to her tone.
"No, I suppose not." He looked at her pointedly as if trying to assess something for himself, most likely her current state of health. "How are you feeling?" he finally asked.
"A little headache but nothing too serious," she replied. To prove her point she swung her legs over the side of the bed and then planted her feet firmly on the ground as she stood up.
Anderson nodded as if he was satisfied by the response and then folded his arms as he leant up against the bed that was behind him. "According to the ground team, the beacon exploded after your contact with it. Did you get anything useful from it?"
"Nothing clear, just images, war, destruction, death, all of it somewhat disturbing. Very disturbing actually. I think it was some kind of warning, I'm just not sure what it was warning us about." Even hours later she could still see those images clearly in her mind but, they were all jumbled and out of order. Nothing about them looked good, it was more like something nightmares were made from.
"We are on the way to the Citadel to speak with the Council. Are you certain a turian spectre by the name of Saren was responsible for Nihilus' death?" he asked pointedly. "The council is not going to like this accusation."
"I am certain but, what are the chances they will actually listen?" she asked with an almost bitter tone. She hated the politics almost as much as the media. Shepard wasn't a fool, they had no proof beyond the words of a thieving dockworker. She knew the council wasn't likely to just take them at their word, not when it came to something as serious as accusing one of their spectre's of miss-conduct.
"We are going to have to make them listen," he responded firmly. "Have you given any more thought to what we discussed before Eden Prime?"
Shepard looked away as she resisted the urge to bite her lower lip. At first she had thought the decision was a simple one, tell the council where they could shove their offer because she wanted no part of even more attention being drawn her way. With Eden Prime, the beacon and all the things it had shown her and then one other factor that she hadn't wanted to consider, it had become far more complicated. She still didn't want to consider the other factor, not really but, her eyes had a mind of their own as they trailed towards the window to look at where Kaidan was preparing himself something to eat.
She pressed her lips together hard, until they were barely more than a thin, almost white line. If the images were of things to come as she believed them to be, a warning of something more powerful than any of them has ever faced before, could she really turn away from that? Could she leave officers like Kaidan to deal with the problem while she ignored it, to do what? Have a life in a universe that was falling apart around her?
Finally she pulled her eyes away from Kaidan to look back at Anderson. "If the council decides to make me the first human spectre, I won't turn them down."
"And if they don't?" he prodded.
"Then I guess the Alliance is going to have to deal with me for a while longer," she responded in a tone that was as even and calm as she could manage.
Anderson's sigh of relief wasn't lost on her. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. I doubt anyone else would even come close to drawing spectre attention their way. No human at least."
Kimberly remained quiet for a moment as she studied Anderson closely. She noticed the longer she studied him, the more uncomfortable he appeared to be. As if he didn't want her to figure something out but, it was too late for that. She had seen Anderson watching her as she watched Kaidan. "You assigned him to the Normandy, to my ground team on purpose. Didn't you?" her voice held a tone of accusation.
"I hand picked every member of the Normandy team," he responded in an attempt to deflect her.
"That's not what I mean and you know it," she growled.
He drew in a deep breath and exhaled, she knew it was one of his tells for when he was relenting and the confession that would come next. "Yes, I assigned him to you on purpose."
"Do you even have the slightest idea of what you have done? What you have unleashed?" she threw at him with her voice raised.
"You may not see it yet but, I still believe it was the right call. I think in time you will as well," he replied. There was the slightest hint of a shake to his voice that told Kimberly he wasn't as calm as he was making himself out to be.
"Why? Why put him through this? When he finds out.." her voice trailed off. She knew her point was across without finishing her statement.
"He won't unless you tell him. Those files are classified," he explained.
"I would never have picked you as one for deception, not amidst your own crew," she said with a slight shake of her head.
"It may surprise you to know that there is a lot about me you don't know," Anderson said as he dropped his arms to his side and stood up straight. He paused just as he was about to leave and spoke again without quite meeting her eyes. "I hope you both enjoyed your last night on Arcturus before we left. Not all deception is bad, sometimes it has a greater purpose."
Kimberly was certain her jaw must have dropped to the ground, or close to it. How and more to the point why would he even know that? To know she was being so closely watched was almost… creepy. Before she could even say anything in response, he had already slipped out of the door to the medbay and was half way towards the stairs leading to the CiC.
What the fuck.