AC: :33 *ac curiously swats at her furiend with her paw!*
AC: :33 good morning! *she says cheerfully*
AC: :33 *ac patiently waits fur a response from karkitty, whos probably still sleeping like the silly honkbeast he is!*
AC: :33 *ac gets tired of waiting after a while, though*
AC: :33 *and decides to leave her message here to be seen whenever her furiend awakens!*
AC: :33 me and terezi and vriskers are going to hang out later and i wanted you to come with us!
AC: :33 its been a while since any of us have seen you
AC: :33 we miss you!
AC: :33 …
AC: :/ ok well i guess let me know when you get this and well make plans to hang out then!

CA: hey kar
CA: i just wwanted to say that
CA: you should consider comin to see me once in a goddamn wwhile
CA: or maybe lettin me come see you
CA: wwevve got shit to talk about
CA: like
CA: i dont knoww
CA: anythin
CA: thats not the kinda shitty one-sided convversation wwere havvin right fuckin now
CA: because contrary to popular belief
CA: i really liked talkin to you
CA: and kinda hoped this neww wworld wwould be like a fresh start or somethin
CA: and wwe could be friends again or some shit
CA: if im a piece a shit you can just tell me
CA: you dont havve to ignore me and hope ill get the message
CA: look just
CA: get back to me sometime ok
CA: i really wwant to see you
CA: or at least
CA: fuckin COMMUNICATE wwith you or somethin
CA: anywway
CA: later I guess

You really don't know how to go about answering any of these god-forsaken messages. The usernames are fucking haunting. You hadn't seen them online in a very, very long time. You never thought you'd see it again outside of your dreams.

And yet, here they are. Colorful, online. arsenicCatnip. caligulasAquarium. adiosToreador, twinArmageddons, centaursTesticle – they're all here.

But there's one name that's never been online.

turntechGodhead.

You slam your laptop shut before your heart can start racing. You don't know why you don't just fucking delete it out of your list. It's just taking up space anyway, freaking you out for absolutely no goddamn reason. After all, you got rid of the others to clean up your friends list. It can't be that hard, right? It's just a name. An empty name that nobody's using. There's no point in keeping it there.

…

You decide you'll do it later.

You sigh, turning away from your husktop and standing. A concerning number of your joints crack and pop as you do, and you realize that you don't even know how long you'd been sitting in that position. Holy fuck, is it really nearing afternoon already? You didn't sleep worth a shit. Great job, jackass.

Your phone vibrates on the desk. You keep forgetting that Trollian has a phone app now… or that Sollux fucking gave you a phone for your wriggling day. You're not sure why everyone rushed to get you gifts. They only had about a week to do it; it wasn't really worth all of the effort. You're sure as hell not.

Speak of the devil, the messages are from Sollux. You don't bother reading them before walking away. After all, how can you stomach talking to the friends you aren't responsible for saving? And you can't exactly just say HEY, SORRY, I'M A TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT AND CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. OR POSSIBLY EVER. BYE! It doesn't work like that. As fucking marvelous as it would be if life could be that simple for you, it just doesn't work. So you're stuck in an endless loop of being an even bigger piece of shit because all you can do is ignore their messages.

Isn't life just fucking grand?

You're wandering aimlessly around your hive again. You want to say you need to stop doing that, but really, it's better than staring at the husktop screen all the time. You yawn. Your body's begging you for sleep, but it can keep begging, because you'll sleep when you're fucking dead. That's what it feels like to sleep nowadays, anyway. You go unconscious for several hours; no dreams, no nightmares, no nothing. And you always wake sick to your stomach. No way, you've had enough of that.

Except the lack of sleep is fucking with you. You swear you're hearing things. Right now, there's a ringing in your ears. It'd be one thing if it was a constant sound, but it's not. It comes and goes at irregular intervals and it's so fucking annoying-

Wait.

That's not in your head holy shit you're an idiot. You head for the front door and, without even stopping to check and see who's on the other side, yank it open.

Kanaya's expression is a surprised one, probably because of how forcefully you'd opened the door. Your expression softens a bit; she's the one person you're actually not opposed to seeing. "Hi," she says somewhat awkwardly.

"…Hi." You look her over quickly. She looks the same as she always did, like everything that's happened hasn't affected her at all. You wish you were the same.

"Our friends haven't been able to get ahold of you," she says after a moment. "I wanted to make sure you were okay." There's another pause before she quickly adds, "And I wanted to hang out with you for a while."

They told her. Holy fucking shit, of course everyone told her they couldn't talk to you. You ignored your friends, and made them all worry, and Kanaya got worried and felt the need to come check on you and it's all because you're too much of a piece of shit to do anything. Good job. No, really, good fucking job.

Not to mention you're leaving her waiting outside instead of inviting her in to sit down. Fucking hell, does your stupidity ever fucking end?

"Is something wrong?" Kanaya asks. You snap back to reality. Every second you spend thinking about yourself is another second she's waiting around outside. Way to be a narcissistic asshole.

"No, sorry, I just wasn't expecting company," you finally tell her. You step aside, like you should have done as soon as you'd opened the door. "Come on in. Uh, pretend my hive doesn't look like a barkbeast fucked everything before proceeding to simultaneously piss and shit everywhere."

A very small smile crossed Kanaya's face. "I'll do my best to overlook any signs of dog feces I may find," she said as she stepped inside. She spent a moment looking around, and you couldn't help hesitating a moment before closing the door. Your hive really does look like shit. It's a wonder she isn't horrified by it. You really wish she'd leave; Kanaya deserves to be somewhere better than this.

Why did you have to make her feel like she needed to come here?

"Have you eaten anything yet today?" she asks suddenly, without even turning to look at you.

"What?" You feel your bloodpusher jump into your throat. There's more worry behind that question, she's worried enough, don't make her worry about you any more-

Kanaya shrugs nonchalantly. "It's still quite early. I thought I might fix us a nice lunch to share. Unless you've already eaten, in which case that would be a waste of food. So I would like to know whether or not you've eaten today."

"Oh." Okay. Calm down. You haven't had Kanaya's cooking aside from what she could scrape up on that god-forsaken meteor all that time ago, but you vaguely recall a message from Eridan saying it was 'fuckin incredible Kar you'vve got to try it.' "No, I haven't had anything yet. I was actually about to look for something to eat when you got here."

She smiles. "Wonderful. If you don't mind showing me to your nutritionblock, I'll see what I can find."

Damn, that sounds nice. "Alright, thanks."

If you can stay calm and not say anything fucking stupid, maybe you can get through this and… actually kind of enjoy it.