Getting back to life was a hard thing. I don't miss Derek. I miss parts of Derek. I feel a huge void in my life. Mainly between my legs where his cock once laid. He had skills and a laid out plan. He knew how to play the game, and he knew how to play it well. I still don't know anything about him, and I don't want to. He needs to remain a mystery. He was just a simple fuck. The one thing I do know, the boy had skills. Mad skills.
Now, as I have said before, I am not a whore. I'm not even close to a whore. I mean, I think about sex all day. All day everyday. Everything can be related to sex, and unfortunately, my porny ass mind sees them all. So here I am, having the need, but unable to fulfill it. I'm not a huge fan of going out. I like to stay home and try to study. I know if I am going to get anywhere, I need to do it.
I'm really not sure if Derek is ever going to return. I don't ask about him. I don't want to give anyone the false sense that I actually give a shit. There are things you care about, and things you don't. My main concern in life was getting a good fuck from Derek. Now, when he was here, I cared about him. I didn't want to see that gorgeous manhood maimed or injured in anyway. But now, I couldn't care less if I tried. I only wish one thing... I wish I was getting more action than he is.
I need to find a replacement. I need to find someone to fill this void that I have. I need someone to satisfy my never ending sexual need. It's a shame that I don't have that. See, the thing is, Derek was great. To find someone to do what he had done will be really hard. He has some huge shoes to fill, and I have a feeling no one else has feet that large.
"Hey sweetie..." My friend Izzie says as she walks up to our lunch table. She is always happy. And me, I guess you could say I am a tad bit grumpy. I wouldn't say so, but I have heard it before. I guess I am condescending. Very condescending.
"Hey." I grumble as I lean back in the booth and watch as she sits down. I shake my head and looked at this happy person in front of me. She acts so innocent. I think she even tries to act innocent to me. I think she is a closet vixen. She is engaged, but I know she looks. I even think she has taken a taste or two. Either way, I have to laugh. Little miss perfect may not be so perfect. At least I don't lie about shit like that.
"You don't look happy." She points out with a frown. "I mean more so than usual." She points out with a chuckle. "What's going on?"
"Nothing... I'm fine." I tell her as I sip the soda that our waiter has brought to me. I rarely drink soda, but today is a soda day.
"Oh yes... You are so fine. Seriously, what is going on?" She asks again as she sips her own soda.
"Nothing... I'm just thinking I need to go out looking." I tell her with a nod. I need sex. I need it really bad and I'm not afraid to admit it.
"Out looking... Oh! For a guy. Yeah, you need to find someone. You really do need someone." She tells me as she looks over the menu. As I listen to her, I wonder if she even knows me. I don't need someone. I am not that girl that needs someone. I'm not sure what the hell she is thinking.
"I don't need someone." I tell her frankly. I am fighting the urge to reach up and smack her upside the head. Need someone. No one needs someone. If you need someone, then you need to reach down inside of yourself and do some serious thinking.
"You just said..." She tells me as she drops the menu and looks across the table at me. I hate her blonde hair. I kind of want to pull it our of her head a strand at a time right now. But then again, she is my friend. And I am being very rotten to her at the moment.
"I said I needed to look. For a fuck." I grumble loudly. "Not a relationship. I don't want that shit. I just want screaming orgasms and one night stands. Well, not one night. One guy. Sex. And that is it. No strings. No emotions. No attachment." I explain with a smile. It is such a great plan.
"No... Huh uh... You can't have that. It's not possible. No matter what, it either blows up, or feelings come about. Either way, you screw yourself in the end. It is a bad idea." Izzie tells me with a frown. I don't like that. Like she knows anything. This isn't even her realm. She is engaged.
"Bullshit." I say as I roll my eyes. "People can have fuck buddies with no problems. I can have a fuck buddy with no problems. LIke you would know. You're going to be a married old hag anyway." I tell her nastily. See, I even turn on my own people.
"I am not. And you- Maybe for you it would work. You lack normal human emotion. You don't have those feelings. But maybe if you tried, you could. Maybe you could love and all of that. You just need the right guy. And you aren't going to find that when you have a random screw and then run off before something has a chance to happen." She tells me with a smile.
The waiter walks up and takes our order. I want to hit her. Or possibly get up. She has no idea what I need. I know what I need. She needs to stick to her own mess of a life. At the same time, I know I am bringing this upon myself. I know that I was the one that started it. But that is me. I like to talk about it while I do. The minute I raise my hand, all discussion should cease and we shall move on to the next thing I want to talk about.
"Look... I am in it for the orgasm. I don't want him to gaze lovingly into my eyes and all that shit. I want the fuck." I growl as I tap my foot on the floor. "So that I what I am looking for. Do you know anyone?" I ask with a grin.
She looks at me and shakes her head. She is judging. I hate that. Like I have room to talk. I am judgy. And I mean really judgy. I look at everyone. Body, clothes, face. Ugly, fat, skinny, gorgeous. I look. I think about everything. I see someone walking, and I am judging. I see a couple, and I am judging. Everything you say and do I am thinking and running through my series of filters. I start out with my gambit. I always win.
"Eh... Did anything I say get into that head of yours?" She asks, looking at me in shame. "Okay... Here is the thing, Mer... I am older than you. I have been around. And I know that sex... Sex is love. Whether you want to admit it or not, you are sharing your body with someone. And yes, it may be load of fun, but things change. And every time you do it, it changes. You can't look into someone's eyes and not start to feel something. Sex is love, and you are a fool. We are talking about someone sticking their most sacred possession inside of you. You share divinity. I mean... There is no way you don't gain feelings. Sex is love, whether you chose to admit it or not." She tells me as she shakes her head. Apparently she thinks she is right.
"Whatever. So you are saying I could go snag a guy from the bar, take him home and fuck his brains out, and have feelings? Because if that is true... We have problems. There are an awful lot of people in love with each other." I chaff as I shake my head and look at her.
"No, Meredith... That is not what I mean, and you know it. I am saying a fuck buddy, okay?" She growls as she looks at me. The waiter comes back with our burgers and fries. He looks down at us like we are nuts. I think he just wants to run.
"Do you need anything else?" He asks as he sets our plates down and smiles.
"Yes, actually." I tell him as I look up. I can't believe I am going to ask this. Then again, I don't know this guy, so what is the difference. He looks at me, waiting for a request for napkins, a straw or possibly a new fork. "Can someone have casual sex with someone and never get feelings for that person?" I ask smartly. Izzie looks at me with wide-eyes. I think she is shocked that I asked.
"Um..." He starts as he looks at me. I'm sure when he woke up this morning and put his black pants and his polo shirt on that he never thought he would be getting asked this question. Only some freak would ask that.
"I say yes..." I tell him with a nod. "Say yes!" I tell him again, waiting for his response.
"Uh... Yes." He tells me with a smile. I shake my head and look at him. He was no so much help.
"Don't say yes. Say what you really think." Izzie tells him with a smile. Of course this damn blonde with her smile is going to do what she always does. Convince him with her looks. I give him a warning glare. He is so screwed.
"I think that a guy and girl can have casual sex if the girl is up to it." He says with a smile as he high-tails it the hell out. I am sure he will never return to us.
"See." I tell her with a winning smile. I was right. Okay, maybe the opinion of one person doesn't make you right, but it is good enough for me. He agreed with me. "It is possible, Iz... You are just.. Way too sensitive."
"Whatever, Mer. Sometimes I think you are like talking to a wall. You do what you want anyway. I mean... This will come back to bite you. And I don't want to hear about it." She warns me as she takes a bit of her sandwich. "What am I saying? I will be here and I will listen to your pain."
"Bullshit." I grumble as I roll my eyes. "So, you never did answer my question." I tell her with a smile as I take a bit of my own bacon cheeseburger. This is health food of the best kind. The kind that will kill you quickly. The best kind there is.
"What question is that?" Izzie asks as she dips her fry into ketchup and takes a bite. I look at her and roll my eyes. Maybe I shouldn't be asking again. I am just egging her on.
"Do you know anyone?" I question with a smile. I need someone. A nice piece of ass.
"For a random fuck? No. I do not know anyone, Meredith Grey. I am not supporting your little game." Izzie said with a roll of her eyes. Oh she is such the pain in the ass.
"Why... I mean, I am the one that will supposedly get hurt, not you. You have nothing to lose. Come on, Iz..." I whine as I look at her. "Let me make that decision. And the fuck."
"You are incorrigible. Meredith. I mean... Eh. I know one guy right now. Kevin... And he is not your type. He wants it all." Izzie tells me with a smile as she looks at me.
"Eh... That will never work." I agree with a frown. "I don't want that crap."
"He would be perfect for you. I mean, if you wanted a relationship, this guy would be perfect. He wants the kids and the marriage. All of it." She tells me with a nod. "Maybe you should meet him. Maybe he would help you along."
"Okay... That whole wanting a guy... Never mind. I don't really want your help now. Actually... I think I'm good. I can uh... Satisfy my own needs." I tell her with a big nod.
"Why are you so afraid of commitment?" She asks in shock. I shake my head. I'm not answering that. "I think you should meet him..."
"Eh... No, that's fine." I tell her as I shove my face full of food. Back to the vibrator for me.
--
I don't think about him. Well, not all day. I think about his parts. I think about that cock. I love that cock. It was a good cock. So at night, when I am all alone and horny, Derek crosses my mind. I immediately push it out when I start to think about what he is doing at home. I can't imagine some other girl getting what should be mine. He is so good, he should only be pleasing me. I throw another pile of manure in the wheelbarrow and wonder exactly why I have horses. They are too much time and money, neither of which I have.
"Hello..." Izzie says loudly as she walks into the front of the barn. Now I get to hear another sex vs. love spiel. I can't wait for her to tell me what I should be doing with my life and what I have been doing wrong all of these years.
"Hey, Iz." I mutter as I look up. Izzie always has that annoying smile on her face. Sometimes I think I just want to punch her in the face. Or maybe trip her. Or possibly dump something on her. I just want her to know that life isn't perfect. No one can be that damn happy all of the time.
"How are you, sweetie?" She asked as she stands in the line of fire. Perfect. This is way too perfect. She is right there. I am the best shot in the tri-county area. My friends always said if there was a shit pitching event at the olympics, I would win the gold. Well, at this moment, I am going to purposely bomb.
"Wonderful." I groan as I throw it hard. Too hard. Actually, just perfect. I fight a giggle as I watch the manure hit her right in the front. It was great. Just too good. That smile was now gone. Perfection.
"Oh... You hit me!" She says with a smile as she looks down. How can she not be mad? She is smiling. The smile had returned and I think she is happier than she was before, if that is at all possible.
"Sorry." I lie as I look at her. Here is the thing, I am rarely sorry. Unless it was a total accident, I'm not sorry. If I say something to you, I mean it. If I do something that I normally wouldn't do, I mean it. I am rarely sorry. It is a plot to get what I want. Or at least to take blame off of myself.
"Oh, that's okay, honey. No big deal. These are my barn clothes anyhow." She says with a smile as she shakes her shirt off and lets the manure and urine soaked sawdust fly off into the wheelbarrow.
"Oh... Well, your horse is out back." I tell her with a nod. At this moment, I just want to get rid of her. At this moment, I just want to run away from his sunshine and hid in my dark closet. At this moment, my eyes are burning from the shine coming off of her.
"Oh... Actually, I came here for you. And I- I brought someone." She says with a grin. Imagine that, she is still smiling. Except this time, I can see every damn tooth in her mouth. "And here he is."
He. Okay. I swear she just said here he is. What the fuck does that mean? Here he is. Oh my god. She is setting me up. This is freaking great. Knowing Izzie, this guy goes to church and doesn't believe until having sex until after you are married. That is something I don't believe in. In fact, I really don't. I am all for the sampling. I want to have several tastes before I take that plunge. Or at least a few. At the very least, I want to take a taste of his Mr. Pepper before I get stuck with it for a lifetime. God knows, I would hate to get stuck for all eternity with a bad fuck.
"What do you mean, Iz? What the hell?" I snap as I look at her. Just as I look up, I see someone coming in the door. He looks good. His general silhouette isn't horrible. "What do you think you are doing?" I ask in a whispering growl.
"Mer... You need someone. And Kevin is great." Izzie said softly as he walked up. I want to kill her. She should die for thinking she can do this to me. "Kevin... This is Meredith. Meredith... This is Kevin." Izzie says as she introduces us.
"Hey." I say quickly as I stick out my hand. That seems like the stupidest ass thing I have ever done and I quickly chid myself for it. I do a quick once over. He is good looking. Dark hair. Clean. Casual. Nice light brown eyes and an honest smile. Maybe couple extra pounds but not bad at all.
"Nice to meet you, Meredith. Izzie has told me a lot about you." He says with a smile. And if this isn't uncomfortable, I don't know what is.
"Oh... Uh..." I mutter as I look at him. I know nothing about him. Nothing. But I am thinking this is the guy that wants it all. He is the family and marriage man. Oh joy.
"Izzie hasn't said anything." He says with a frown as he shoots her an evil glare. I look at him and then her. I'm not defending her stupid ass actions at the moment. Right now, I am just going to ignore her completely.
"No. Not a word." I tell him frankly. "Well, maybe she said something. A few days ago... A week maybe... If you are the guy that wants a serious relationship, yes... I think she did say something about you." I tell him with a nod. "And if that is the case, I am not interested. Not at all. I just want a good time. I am not ready for a serious relationship. I just want sex."
Izzie shakes her head in disgust. I think she wanted me to lie. I think she wanted me to go along with it all. I won't I am not doing something for someone else. No way. So there weall stand, looking at each other. Now I just want to know... Will he go for it?