As I stand in front of my mirror, I seriously wonder what I am doing. This is so stupid. This isn't me. I like to hang out at home and study. Maybe that is why I will make an excellent surgeon. I am perfectly happy having absolutely no social life. I could easily sit home every night with my laptop, my books and possibly some ice cream. But no, I have agree to go out. And why, no idea.
"Hello?" I ask as I answer my cellphone. It is Izzie. She is becoming quite annoying to me, but I have learned to deal with it. I am just sitting around waiting for the day when she gets crazy. Someday her happy smile will fade and she will snap into insanity.
"Hey, Mer... So I was thinking I will just pick you up. How does that sound?" Izzie asks with a giggle as she drives. I can hear the radio and the traffic in the background. She is on her way. Yay me.
"That's fine, Iz." I say quickly as I run the brush through my hair. This was a bad idea. Bad idea. I repeat, bad idea. I just shouldn't be going out. I should be studying. I should be doing something other than this. "When are you going to be here?"
"I should be there in about ten minutes." Izzie tells me quickly. I wonder if it is too late to back out. Oh well, I will just get this shit done and come home to my favorite chair and a warm blanket.
"Okay, Iz." I tell her with a frown. Okay, I fucked that up. "I guess I will see you in a few." I tell her with a sigh. I guess there isn't anything wrong with trying to have fun. But then again, I am not the fun loving type. I'm just me. That is all I know. Meredith Grey.
I look at myself in the mirror. I look okay. I don't really look at myself. I'm a bit beyond that. I am so much happier sinking into the background never to be noticed again. I am not that girl standing in the spotlight. I would rather hide behind someone in a crowd. So right now, I am out of my element, but I am forcing myself to deal with it. I look at my black boots coupled with my dark jeans. I look good. I think I might actually look pretty okay.
Oh yes... I almost forgot... I don't think Kevin is into the whole fuck and leave thing. And I'm actually okay with that. I mean some guys want commitment and some guys don't. Most girls want more than a roll around all night, sweaty fuck-fest. We both want different things, and I am not planning on changing my ways. I don't think he is. Hence, I am on my own.
"Hey..." I say as I open the passenger door of Izzie's car. I just want to stay home. Stay home... "So what exactly are we doing?"
"Oh... You know, the regular Friday night going out stuff." She tells me with a grin as she backs out of my driveway. Oh. How fucking great. Just you know, throwing Meredith into a crowd of people and asking her to be okay. Really freaking awesome. I have reasons for being the way I am. And I am not happy.
"Where are we going?" I ask. I want to know everything. Izzie laughs at me. She knows that I want to know everything. That is just my way. I need to know what it going on so that I can be prepared.
"Oh... Delany's." Izzie says with a smile. Delany's is a bar that is about forty minutes away from my house. So now not only am I out of my element, but I am way away from my safety zone. I know this sounds insane, but that is me. I tend to be a nervous Nellie.
"Why are we going there? I mean... What am I going to do? I'm not going to drink in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. I will do something stupid and... Not to mention, I am not old enough... Eh! Why did I come?" I say loudly. Now not only am I frustrated with her, I am frustrated with myself.
"Oh, Mer... You need to freaking relax. You are acting totally crazy. You are so uptight. You just need to have a few drinks, do some relaxing. You will be fine." She says with a smile.
"You do realize that my mom and dad are both drunks, right? You know the chances are high... Damn it. I should not have come." I say again as I look at her. She laughs. Apparently she doesn't think that I am serious. I am. I get addicted so easily, it is kind of pathetic. Like when I was downing shot after shot of expresso and shaking like I was having crack withdraws.
"Eh... You will be fine. That doesn't mean anything. But you don't have to drink to have a good time. Just try to relax, sweetie. You will have such a good time. You won't believe it." She tells me with a firm nod. I just sit there in silence. Whatever. There is no convincing her.
As we pull up to the bar, I shake my head. Bars are for drinking, and if you aren't drinking, then what the hell do you do? You sit. You sit and look pathetic because everyone is looking at you. You pray for them to get blitzed so that you can laugh at them and forget that you are the idiot. But truly, they are. They are the ones falling all over themselves.
"Oh, yeah... Kevin is supposed to come tonight." Izzie tells me with a nod and a smile as she looks at me.
"I thought he wasn't interested." I tell her frankly. It seems to me that he wanted nothing to do with just sex. In fact, he seemed to brush me off. How many guys are going to brush you off when you tell them that you want straight up hardcore fucking. Apparently this dumbfuck.
"Oh... Well, I told him you were coming, and he said he definitely was." She tells me as she takes one last look in the mirror. Interesting...
I find this interesting. The man who wanted a family is now interested in a sexual and exclusively sexual relationship. I wonder why. I mean, any guy who isn't interested in pure sex has to have some kind of problem. And any guy who changes his life's plans and morals so easily also has to have a problem. And this man has changed something major. That is saying if he even plans on being there for me at all. This could all be coincidence.
"So... Why is he coming?" I ask as I look over at her. I would think that any guy would be going nuts at the opportunity for free sex. No strings attached, just unadulterated fucking.
"I just told him we were coming and he decided to come. I don't know. Chris is coming too." Izzie tells me with a nod. Big deal. Her fiance is coming. Shouldn't her fiance come anyway. Is there a reason why I should be either elated or questioning it? I don't think so.
"Oh... Good." I say with a shrug. This really is stupid. I am going to a bar. And not to drink. To hang out. Awesome.
"Oh... There's Chris's car." Izzie says happily, seeing that her fiance has already shown up. I am a third wheel. Oh how I love that. "I bet Kevin came along with him."
"Oh." I breathe as we walk into the dark bar. It's huge. It is a gigantic bar. They have pool tables and darts. Both of which are dangerous things. Not to me. To anyone in the room while I play them. I wish I could, but I don't have the skills to do it.
I look up and immediately see Chris and Kevin. Kevin looks at the door and up at me. There is a moment. For me, it is a what the fuck is up with you, assface, moment. I wonder what he is up to. I do not trust men. I do not get close to men. They are assholes and bastards. They are nothing good. They only have one good quality and that is their ability to give me a good screw. As to conversing or having a relationship, I will not waste my time. Makes me sick.
"Hey..." I say as I look up at the two guys. Kevin isn't bad looking, but Chris, Ick to me. He makes me ick. I don't like him. Not one bite. Kind of like a tall skinny hippy porn star. Either way, I a sure he is not big. Tiny cock. I said he looks like a porn star, he is not porn star material.
"Hey there... How are you?" Chris asked as he looked at me. He is a loser. Grade-A loser deluxe. Lazy fuck.
"I'm good." I say with a nod as I grab a coke. Yes, a coke. I'm not going to drink tonight. Drinking causes problems. Big problems. Huge problems. I don't plan on talking to anyone. I don't plan on doing anything but sitting in silence.
"Hey, Mer." Kevin says with a smile as I sit down. I don't want to talk to him. I want to ignore him. I don't want a guy who doesn't want me. That just pisses me off.
"Oh... Hey..." I say as if he is the last person in the world I want to speak to. He is. He really is the last person. Because he is an idiot. Stupid idiot. Dumb fuck. All that.
"So... How have you been?" He asks with a smile as he sips his beer. Like he cares. Like I care.
"Good... Really good. I mean, you just saw me. I'm the same as then. It hasn't been that long." I snap. I shouldn't have snapped. Damn me for snapping. It was mean and unnecessary.
"I was just being nice." Kevin says with a chuckle. Now I think that bastard is laughing at me. Laughing. That is not really too smart. And that is why I am taking my non-alcoholic soda beverage and turning away from his ass. "So now you aren't going to talk to me?" He asks as he looks at me.
"Yep. And you know what, I think there is a girl right over there... One that wants a committed relationship. If you are lucky, maybe she will even pop some kids out for you. So uh... Why don't you go. There. Now." I tell him as I ignore him and refuse to look.
"Oh... So that is what this is about." Kevin chuckles as he stares at me. I don't see him, but I know he is. I know he is there, looking. Staring.
"No... Nope. I'm just saying. Fuck." I tell him as I look over. "I don't care. Really. I mean you were honest with me. And for a guy... Yeah, that is amazing. So thanks. I have no reason to be mad. See, I am thanking you for this." I tell him as I take an ice cube in my mouth. Yep... Spitting that out. Could be moldy. That seems to happen a lot in our area. Dirty ice.
"Oh... I see." He tells me with a smile. "So... Would you like to play darts?"
"Would you like to lose your eye?" I ask him with a smile as I look over. Or in his ass. Right in the middle. Why am I mad? No idea. Just angry. Angry.
"Of course I would love to lose my eye. Or you could let me teach you..." He suggests as he looks over at the dartboard.
"I never said I couldn't play... I said I would get you in the eye." I tell him with a smile. This will be fun. Especially when I do get him in the eye. Hehehe.
"So you are saying you know how to play? An you are purposely going to hit me in the eye?" Kevin asked in shock. I think he may be offended. Stupid bastard. He should be. I tend to hang on the sadist end of the scale.
"Well, I guess that depends." I tell him with a laugh as I look at him. He pulls himself off of the stool and rushes over to the dart board before someone else can jump on it.
"What does it depend on?" Kevin asks as he hands me my darts. I think he doesn't believe me. He should believe me. He should. I can be mean. Mean mean. And I just may throw a dart at him.
"If you piss me off." I tell him frankly as I walk to the table and grab my coke. If he is going to be this annoying, I think I may need a rum and coke. The sad thing is, he's not even being annoying, he is just being a normal person.
"Oh, I see. I have to admit, I kind of want to see what happens if I piss you off." Kevin tells me smartly as he looked into my eyes. "It could be fun."
"Yeah. So fun that we could rush to Vegas and get married." I joke as I look at him. I mean seriously, this guy wants commitment. Who the hell wants that?
"You are not funny. You should be bowing to me or something. I mean... I am a good guy." He tells me frankly.
"And you are so much closer to a dart in your eye. Bowing to you... Seriously? I think not. I don't bow. I tell you what I do do... You know what, never mind. Throw your damn darts." I tell him as I point. I am not telling him what I do well.
"Fine, I will. But me... Good guy." He says with a nod as he throws the dart. Damn. This freaking guy is good. Or course he is good. Of course.
"Yep. Okay then." I tell him as I roll my eyes. He nods at me to take my shot. I quickly toss it and have to stop myself from jumping for joy when it actually hits the board. I don't need to hit the center, I just need to hit it period.
"Wow... You hit the board. I am impressed." He jokes as he looks at the board. I smile. I hit the board and I don't care. He can't take that away from me. I quickly toss the second dart and it hits the wall and falls to the floor. "Now that was a good one. Yep, typical from a chick." He jokes, knowing he is getting me going. He bends down and picks up the dart from the floor. Perfect. Way too perfect. In the heat of the moment, I toss the dart and hit him square in his right ass cheek. Perfect shot. Not sure how. So perfect. "What the hell!" He shouts as he looks at me.
"I told you. You better be nice to me. I can be a lot meaner that that." I say with a laugh as I watch his pull the dart from his ass. That was just too fun. Way too fun. And the crazy thing about it, this guy isn't even mad.
"After that... There is not a doubt in my mind!" He laughs as he steps back and takes his throw.
The night went on. I never thought I could have this much fun playing darts. Kevin is a nice guy. He is honest. I like honest. It is nice to talk to someone that can keep up with me. Not to mention, he doesn't judge my evil thoughts. He just ignores and moves on. As I move through my umpteenth soda, I see Izzie and Chris at the bar. Izzie is plastered, and Chris isn't much better. Looks like it is time to go.
"They are wasted. I think it's time..." I say as I look at her and then at him.
"Damn... Didn't take them long!" He points out as he looks over. "Well, I think... Shit. I guess I can take his car if you want to take hers." He tells me quickly. I agree. See, this is the bullshit I hate. Now I have to go home with this dumb asses. And I'm sure they will say all kinds of stupid ass shit.
Izzie and Chris were actually very easy to get in the car. They were both so blitzed the were more than willing to come along so they could go to their bed. I follow behind Kevin in Izzie's car. I guess I will stay at her house tonight, there is no way for me to get home.
"Wow..." Kevin says as he watches the two of them stumble to their room, leaving us behind. "They were fucked up... And you, you didn't even have a drink."
"Nope. Why, so that I can end up like that?" I ask as I shake my head in disgust and plop myself down on the sofa. I feel the sofa move as he sits next to me. "So..."
"So..." Kevin mutters as he looks at me. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. This is bad. he is looking at me. And me... I am me. And me likes sex. And I think I want sex. I feel myself heating up as I look at him. It's not necessarily him. It's the need. The need for sex. The need to do it. I need to prove that Derek wasn't that great. I need to prove that he was just a fuck, and this guy is just a fuck.
"Oh god!" I say as he leans towards me. "No kissing..." I groan as I start to shimmy out of my pants. "Just fucking."
"Just fucking..." He agrees as he pulls his shirt over his head. He is stout compared to Derek. Not fat, not skinny. He is somewhere in the middle. I feel him start to unbutton my top as he lays over me.
"Condom..." I groan as he pecks kisses on my chest. He is sloppy. He is a sloppy kisser. It's kind of like he is kissing a cow.
"Condom." He agrees with a nod as he pulls it out of his wallet. Smaller than Derek's. He has a regular sized condom, not an full OB sleeve like Derek has to roll onto his manhood. "Condom on..." He tells me as he rolls it onto his hard cock.
"Yeah..." I say as I close my eyes and wait for it. "Oh god, just do it!" I tell him as I spread my legs and lay on my back. "Do it." I tell him as I grab his back. "Oh..." I moan as he slides himself in. He's no Derek, but he is definitely infiltrating my space with something above average.
"Oh god... You are tight. Holy fuck." He says as he slides himself in and out.
I lay there with my head back. This is wrong. This is so wrong. I am on my back like a whore. I feel somewhat like a whore. It's not the act. It's that this guy had morals. He had hopes and dreams and here I am, screwing them up. I'm sure I will fog up his mind with this situation we have ourselves in.
"Oh god... You feel good." He moans as he picks up his pace, feeling himself near the edge. I hit my own climax in silence. I let out tiny moans and pants. I don't feel right about crying out on my friend's sofa with a guy that wants a wife and kids. "So fucking good... Fuck!" He tells me loudly. I feel myself contracting as I lay there with my eyes closed. I feel Kevin his his mark as he moans and spews inaudible sounds into my chest. "Damn..." He says as he lays there breathlessly. "Did you?"
"Yeah... Yeah, I did." I tell him with a nod. It wasn't bad. It wasn't horrible. It just didn't feel right. I hope I didn't mislead him.
I KNOW...