I don't open my eyes. I don't have to. I know I screwed up. See, that whole free love, let's have sex and be fuck buddies thing, that is not me. Not at all. In fact, I am a conservative girl. I like to know the guys I am going to screw. I knew Kevin somewhat, but that didn't make it any better. And Derek, I didn't know him at all. Sure I had spent some time with him in the summer, but I did not know him. For some reason I was drawn to the boy. I'm not sure if I will ever know why.
As I said, I am not opening my eyes. I can't. I am afraid that I will really see what went down last night. I know what went down. But I have to say, I am a smart girl. Always use the glove and I am on birth control. And if I told you the number of guys I have slept with, well you may just die laughing. I have been telling you throughout this whole journey that I am not a whore. I was not kidding.
Finally I do it. I open my eyes. I know I have clothes on because never once in my life have I fucked and laid naked. I can get naked during sex, but there is that time after. It's when you come down from your high and you look. You forget about the amazing sex, and start to judge the person next to you. You know they say everyone looks a little hotter after a few beers, well, I don't want Kevin to think that. As I open my eyes I see the used condom on the floor. I mean seriously, that is disgusting. Why the hell would you leave a used condom on the floor? I hope he was just drunk, and not really a slob.
Oh fuck. He is looking at me. Of course I had to look over there. Of course. Mer, sometimes I think you really are the biggest idiot in the world. I mean, seriously. You just looked over and now your eyes are stuck and you are in that awkward moment. The moment of yes, we fucked last night, now what does this mean? Well, I can tell you what this means. Shit. It means nothing.
"Morning." Kevin says with a smile as he looks at me. Great, now he is talking to me. Great. So much for escaping.
"Morning." I mumble as I pull myself up. Damn. Why did I share my body last night? The sad thing is, I wasn't even drunk. That was all Meredith last night. That was Meredith being a big whore and dumb ass. I have to escape. Pee. I must pee. My escape.
Okay, Izzie isn't the cleanest person in the world. I thank god that I am not hung over. If I was hung over, I would be fucked. This is not the toilet that I would want to be hung over. I squat because frankly, I would rather pee out in the yard like a dog. That would be good. Peeing in the yard like an animal would be better than hanging out on this disease ridden toilet.
Okay, I am avoiding. I sure as hell do not want to go back out there. I do not want to look at him as I drink my coffee. I don't want to have to confront him about last night. I don't want us to have conversation about the future. There is no future. For us, there is going to be nothing. I mean, last night was a huge mistake. And right now if I could escape out this tiny bathroom window, I would. And I would gladly walk down the road and two towns over where I live.
"I have to pee!" I hear Izzie whine from the other side of the door. At this moment, I would like to beat her ass. At this moment, I want to tell the whiny bitch to shut up. She is fucking up my game and I don't take lightly to that. "Come on!" She pouts as she bangs on the door. Damn her and her one bathroom house. Who's bright idea was that anyhow?
"Fine..." I growl as I wash my hands and open the door. In this moment, I don't like her. Not one bit. I look at her as she rushes in. I just want out of here. "When can you take me home?" I ask frankly.
"As soon as my head stops pounding." She says as she sits on the toilet. Yeah, it's her toilet. I guess her own thrown isn't as repugnant to her as it is to me. I would rather pee in the yard, and I think we went over that already.
"Well... Take some aspirin or something." I tell her as I walk off. There is only one place to go, and I don't want to go back out there. No way. I look in their bedroom and see Chris in bed. He had his hands in his pants and he is hard. Nice... Real nice. Nice if you want to spew all over yourself. I don't, so I quickly turn away.
"Coffee?" Kevin asks as I walk in. Great. Here is that sick thought I had of use looking over the table at each other while drinking coffee. Fantasy is becoming reality and it is a sick one at that.
"Uh, sure." I say with a nod as he pours it into a cup. God, why can't it be disposable? I am hoping it is clean. With the dark liquid in it, there is no telling now. What is the worst that could happen? Well, I could obtain some necrotic flesh eating disease where my fresh will digest itself. That could happen. Or at least I think it could.
"It's clean." He says with a nod as he hands it to me. "I washed them both before I poured. Looking around here, I don't think we can be too safe." He says with a chuckle. I start laughing myself. We share that thought.
"How do you know I am not a slob?" I ask with a chuckle as I accept the cup and take a sip. "And how do you know the coffee maker is clean?"
"Well, I can tell you aren't a slob by looking at you. You reek of clean freak. I saw the way you looked at the darts when I handed them to you last night. And the coffee maker, I was just banking on the heat factor. I was hoping it got hot enough to kill the germs." He says with a smile. Now I am certain that that condom wasn't ours. Gross. Shit, we are freaks. We are both clean freaks. How funny I guess he isn't that bad.
"Morning guys." Izzie says with a smile as she holds her head with her hand. "Kev, you made coffee... Thanks." She moans as she picks up a cup and pours herself one.
"Not a problem." Kevin says as he sits down at the table. It's a mess, he moves stacks of papers out of the way to make room for his mug. Izzie is gross. She needs to get her ass together and fix shit. No one should live this way. It is disgusting. He raises with brows at me as he watches me push some things out of the way.
"How did you sleep, Mer?" Izzie asks as she looked over at me. "We were so fucked up, I don't even remember coming home. Did you at least get a blanket and pillow?"
I remain silent. Damn. Is this going to come out? I have no idea. I hate this. Kevin and I didn't even have a chance to discuss it. But quite honestly, I am Meredith, and Meredith is an avoider. I probably wouldn't have discussed it. But now we are in that awkward phase where it is going to be said and it will all come to the top.
"Uh... I slept on the floor." I say frankly. That dirty floor. The one that I am sure you haven't vacuumed in a coon's age. And seriously, what does a coon's age mean? Do they live to get old? I'm assuming so, being as that means a very long time. Someday I will have to remember to look that up. I want to know what that means. Either way, it means her floor is fucking nasty.
"The floor! Kevin, you bastard! You let a girl sleep on the floor, and you slept on the sofa?" Izzie asked loudly as she looked at him. "You are horrible."
"It- It- It wasn't like that." Kevin stammers as he looked at her. I have a feeling Kevin isn't the type of guy that stammers. By the way Izzie is looking at him, it is like he is acting completely off the wall. "It was-"
"God, Kev... What is going on?" She asks in shock. She looks between us both. It seems that we are exuding sex. Oh my... I bet we smell of sex. I hope we don't smell of sex. What if we smell like sex? She looks back and forth. It's going down, Captain. We can't holding it any longer, it is going to blow. And not in a good way. "Oh my god... You guys.. No! You guys had sex..." She gasps as she looks between us. And there it is. We have been caught.
"Uh." Kevin says. This is great. He wasn't even able to respond in a timely matter. He didn't say no. he should have lied. When in doubt, lie your ass off.
"You guys so did. Oh man... I can't believe this." She says as she shakes her head. I think she may hate me. She said Kevin wanted a happy healthy relationship and I'm sure she thinks I brought him into my own fucked up world. This is great. Freaking great. "So have you talked?" She asks as she looks at us.
"Eh." I mutter. I don't talk. I avoid. I pretend it didn't happen. Meredith Grey doesn't talk. She remains silent.
"Yeah... This is typical. Of course you haven't. See, Mer she- She likes to pretend that nothing happened. She likes to avoid any problems. So yeah... She won't. So if you want to, you need to." Izzie says with a nod.
"So, Iz... I will be needing to get home soon. Do you think you will be ready?" I ask sadly as I look at her. Why is she doing this to me? It is so sad. It is cruel. She needs to make me feel like shit and throw my on the spot, I think.
"Well, my head hurts... Maybe... Hey, Kevin you are heading that way, would you take her home?" Izzie asks with a smile. The bitch is setting me up. She is putting me into a hell and that is not fair. She is being cruel for no good reason at al.
"Fuck you, Izzie." I tell her as I stand up from her mess of a table and walk into the living room. I hate her at this moment. She is putting me in an awkward position. She is thinking she can pressure me into something. That is just bullshit.
"I'll take you home." Kevin says with a smile as he walks in and sits down next to me. Great. Now he is sitting next to me. I hope he doesn't think things. Hell, what am I thinking? He is a boy. Boys don't think. Never. "It doesn't have to be weird. And we don't have to talk. But I know you want out of here." He says with a nod and a smile as he stands up. "Finish your coffee."
"Okay.. I guess." I tell him with a nod as I sip my coffee. I look around Izzie's wreck of a house. It is reminiscent of her life and of her mind. She is a scatter brain. She just needs to chill and clean up her life.
As I sit there, I think about all of this. This is bad. It's horrible. There is nothing I hate more than when someone tries to butt into your shit and improve your life. If my life needs improvement, I will improve it. I'm not an idiot. I know how to live my life. I don't need you telling me this and that. Helpful pointers are great when I ask for them. But I don't need my friends pushing me in a direction they know is not suitable for me. And that is what Izzie is doing.
"Are you ready?" Kevin asks as he looks at me. I have been done with my coffee. I am avoiding. I guess it doesn't matter, I am stuck here. And now I have to move. Now I have to face the music. Or silence. Hopefully silence.
"Yeah... I'm ready." I tell him as I stand up. This is great. So great. I had a sex mistake with this man, and now I have to go a good thirty to forty miles in the passenger seat of his truck. Really awesome. I can only say one thing, Izzie is a real bitch. "Bye, Iz." I mutter as I set my cup in her sink. I should have said bye, bitch. That is what I should have said. And I shouldn't have bothered putting my cup in the sink, I'm sure it will be there next time I come over. I should have just tossed it on the floor.
"Bye, Mer." Izzie says with a smile. Once again, I would love to smack that smile so far off of her face. I would love to see it fly through the air and hit the side of a building. If smiles could fly, that is what I would do. "I had a good time last night."
"Oh yes..." I mutter under my breath as I walk out. I bet she did have a good time getting plowed. My, I had a good time making a fool of myself. Such a good time. Thanks, self. Thank you oh so much.
I climb into his truck. It's clean. I like that. Now my Jeep, it has about an inch and a half of dirt on the floor. My seats are covered in hair and dirt and you care lucky if you can find a place to keep your feet through the mess. I like clean. I love clean. Alas, I do not clean. I hate to clean. I am a bit of a clean freak. I guess you could say I'm a bit mysophobic. My in my car, that is a different game. That is a different game completely.
"It doesn't have to be weird." Kevin finally says as he looked over at me. I know he is looking at me, but I need to not look at him. Looking at him could be bad. So bad.
"Uh... It's not weird." I lie as I look out the window. It is so weird. I mean, I was not drunk last night. I had no alcohol. And I slept with a guy. I can close my eyes right now... Hell, I don't even need to close my eyes, and I can feel his penis. So yeah, awkward, you could say that.
"It is... If it wasn't, you would be looking at me. You won't even turn your head in my direction." He says frankly. I wonder if he does this often. I wonder if he fucks girls all of the time. I have no idea. I really don't even want to think about that.
"I am not avoiding." I snap as I turn my head and look at him. Damn. Now I am sick. Now I am looking in his eyes. Damn me. Damn. Damn. Now it is beyond weird. Now I have that whole complex going on. I know he is looking at me. I am sure that he is judging me.
"Oh... There are those beautiful green eyes." He says with a smile as he looks into my eyes. He is at a stoplight. He is sitting there and it is green. All of the sudden, we hear a loud beep behind us. Thank you. I was just saved my a total stranger. "Shit." Kevin says as he goes forward.
I think it is easy to connect to anyone. I am the type of person who gets attached. If I talk to someone for awhile, generally I grow to love or hate them. A lot of times I will get attached to someone I like. It is easy to depend on people and crave the companionship and human connection. I am finding this more and more. It happened with Derek. After a week with him, I was feeling that I needed to see him. And now it was happening with Kevin.
"I had a good time." He tells me as he drives. I have to giggle. I mean seriously, how can I not chuckle. That was the funniest thing I have ever heard. He had a good time. I wonder why? "Why are you laughing?" He asks as he looks over. This drive is talking way too long. Way too long for me. I can't go on in this uncomfortable position.
"I'm not... I'm not laughing..." I giggle as I turn away. "Really, I am not!" I say as I continue.
"You are... And that giggle is adorable. It is very infectious." Kevin tells me with a nod. "Come on... If I caused this giggle, I want to know about it."
"I just... Okay, you say you had a good time. That is funny. That is really freaking funny. You are a man. Of course a man is going to say he had a good time. Guys like sex. You and I had sex. It wasn't great sex. It was horrible sex. It was just sex. And because it wasn't bad sex, of course it was good to a man. You got your rocks off and you didn't even have to pay. Not that I am saying I am good enough for money... I would never consider fucking for money. Well, maybe is I got like tens of thousands... I mean who wouldn't then. But... Eh... I'm just saying... It is ludicrous for you to say you had a good time like you could have anything but." I tell him as I look over. He has a surprised look on his face.
"You are funny." He says with a smile as he drives down the road. It seems I am always funny. It seems that people see humor in me, even when I am being serious. It seems that I am laughable.
"Why am I funny?" I snap as I look at him. I don't like him saying that I am funny. I wonder what is going through his head. I guess he wants to make me mad. People like to do it, until they realize just how it goes down.
"You are funny because you think about everything. Have you ever thought about not analyzing. And of course you are the one that said you wanted just sex. Now last night, we had just sex, and you can't seem to deal. So I guess that is why you are funny. I mean, you make yourself sound like a whore, but you aren't. I get the feeling you don't hand out sex. Do you like it? I'm sure you do... Are you easy? No. You just don't want to commit. So yes, you are funny." He tells me with a nod. "And I did have a good time last night. The sex was good. It was not horrible, and it was much better that okay. But that wasn't why I had a good time. I liked you. You were fun and easygoing. So, yes, I did have a good time. And I would love to do it again." He says with a smile as he pulls down my street per my hand motions.
"No... You are- Eh.. Don't analyze me. I am the only one that is allowed to analyze." I growl as I look at him.
"I like you Mer... And seriously, I would like to go out again. I'll tell you what.. Here is my number. You let me know, although I am sure that you won't. So I guess this is it. But I think we could have made it somewhere." He tells me as he pulls in front of my house.
"Thanks for the ride." I tell him with a smile as I get out of his truck. I tuck his number in my jeans. In other words, it is gone forever.