As winter bled into spring, Dan's illness and the treatment required to fight it began to take a deeper toll on his body and his mind. He rarely got quite so violently ill after his chemo anymore, but the state he was in now was almost worse.
Phil could spot a noticeable difference in Dan's weight, despite the way he was always bundled up in multiple jumpers. Phil could also tell how Dan was feeling by the greyish pallor of his skin and the shade of the purplish circles under his eyes. The paler the skin and the darker the circles, the worse off Dan was.
The emotional effect of the illness was the worst part, though. Dan no longer wanted to stop for the customary lunch and ice cream after his treatments. He lost interest in filming videos, and even in replying to his fans' numerous well wishes. All he did was sleep, it seemed. And all Phil did was worry.
Dan managed to make it all the way to mid-March before his blood counts dropped low enough to delay his treatment. They had journeyed all the way to the hospital and waited for what felt like ages, only to be told that Dan would not be receiving his chemo today because his body was simply too weakâinstead, he would be admitted to the hospital overnight for monitoring and a blood transfusion.
Unfortunately, this hospital stay was only the first of many to come. Whether it was due to Dan's blood counts, or the constant illnesses he would pick up due to his weakened immune system, it felt like he spent as much time in hospital as he did at home. The whole situation proved to be too much for Dan to bear, and whatever infinitesimal glimmer of light that had been left in his eyes was quickly snuffed out.
This devastated Phil. Phil, the eternal optimist, the fixer, the cheerer-upper, the empathetic soul, found his own internal light growing strangely dim. It was a heavier burden than he thought anybody deserved to bear. And the hardest part about it was that as awful as Phil felt about the situation, Dan surely felt a hundred times worse.
Phil tried his hardest to remind Dan that this would all be over one day, a distant memory. When Phil spoke about it, he made sure to emphasize the chance of survival, the chance of success, of everything going according to plan. But late at night when silence fell throughout their flat, Phil's mind went the opposite direction.
Yes, this would all be over eventually. One way or another, this season of their lives would end. Either Dan would get better and they would move on with their lives, or the cancer would win and Phil would be forced to go it alone.
The second option chilled Phil to the bone.