Nothing is worse in life than that feeling. It is a feeling that I loathe. It is something that makes me upset and nervous. It's when someone has seen something. When they have experienced you going to through a meltdown. When they see you in that vulnerable position on the ground, exposed to the world. That is the worst thing. That is what I am feeling. I am feeling that right now.
I know Derek wants to talk about it. I know that he wants to discuss what happened. The thing about Derek is that he is quiet. He is a good guy. He doesn't push. He doesn't pressure. Instead, he stays silent and lets things go. At the same time, you know that he wants to know. It is always a balance. It is wondering what you should say and what should be said. It is wondering what will come back to get you in the end.
The problem with life is that everyone judges you. You can say it isn't so, but it is. It's like when you are in the front of the classroom. You know everyone is staring at you, but you tell yourself that they have more important things to do, like listen to the lecture. The truth is, they are staring at you. They are judging you. It is a sliding scale. It's like when you get on a real scale at a doctor's office, the kind they move to the notches and then slide until it balances, telling you your true weight. That is life. Everything you say is judged. People live on that sliding scale to me. When they say something I don't like, it goes to the left. I like it, it goes to the right. It's hard to stay in that perfect balance with me. I think about everything a person says and does.
Once you say something to someone, it opens that flood gate. Once the words are formed and pass your lips, you cannot take it back. The minute your sentence is finished and rational thought it s formed by the listener, you are done. This is the problem with spontaneity. You cannot take it back. People experience it all the time, disguised at foot in mouth syndrome or the like. You have to think about what you say. You have to know that it will be guarded as well as it was when it remained only yours.
I want to tell Derek. I want to, but I am so afraid. That opens the flood gate. That opens the door for him to judge me. People can't take what you say at face value. It seems that they always come to their own conclusions. They make up their on stories to fit the pieces that you gave them. It is a character flaw in most. So what do you do? Do you blab what it is you must get out in an inaudible panic. Or do you say every detail and possibly make the judgement that much more harsh?
"I made someone kill them self." I finally blurt out.
I can't believe I just said it. The minute it poured out, I regretted it. It's that damn not being able to take things back clause Now I have said it, and he will know. He will judge So Meredith killed someone. She is a murderer, he is saying. He has the right to say it. I feel it. I'm the one that goes to bed every night knowing what I have done. I live with it daily. I do suffer. I suffer for my sins.
"Oh." Derek replies as he looked forward. He is driving along, and I just said that I basically murdered someone. I'm sure that he is feeling something.
All I got was "oh". Just oh. How do you take that. Was it fear? Is he afraid that I am a lunatic or that I may do the same to him. Was it disgust? Perhaps he is already forming in his brain how he thought it played out. Was it curiosity? Perhaps he is waiting for me to to elaborate further. Something has to be going on in his head. Something.
I'm not going to elaborate. I can't. I may have fears that he will make up his own story, but I can't talk about it. Talking about it forces me to lay down and roll over. If I am going to do that, I may as well play dead. Some things need not be known and I think that is one of them. I never should have said a word to him. I hate myself for putting me in this position.
I wait for him to ask, and he doesn't. No response. No questions. No thoughts. Nothing. I'm not even sure how to take it. I guess I expected him to say or think something. Instead I got nothing. I'm not sure if it is a good or bad thing. The thing is, no matter what he is thinking, I am not. I am not going there. I made a mistake and now we just have to move on. I don't need to tell him.
"So where are we going?" I ask him nonchalantly as he drives along. Way to change the subject smoothly, even if Derek wasn't prying.
"We can go where ever you want." Derek tells me as he looks over. I see nothing/ No pity eyes. Nothing. I let out a sigh of relief.
"Let's just drive." I tell him with a nod. I just need fresh air. A fresh mind would be great too.
Driving does a lot for the mind. Silence is even better. I respect Derek. I hold him with such a high regard. He isn't pushing. If there is one thing that will send me running far away, it is when a man pushes me. It is when someone insists on knowing, just to know. When someone wants to know for their own selfish reasons. Derek doesn't seem fazed by it. He actually seems to not care. That is huge for me. That is what I need.
When we pull in the driveway, we don't speak. I don't speak as I climb out of the car. I just can't say anything. I can't look at him. I have to stay away and pretend that it isn't bothering me, even if it is so prevalent. It has been almost five years and I cant seem to forget any of it. It's amazing how something gets in and changes you everything. The way you think. The way you act. Everything.
"If you need to talk, I am here. For the night, of course. And on the phone, it that suits you." Derek said with a smile as he walk into the basement. I look over at him and draw in a breath.
"I'm fine." I tell him with a nod. Such a good lie. A very good lie. I have never once been fine in my life. Not when someone asked. If they asked, they had a reason to. That is because I am not fine. Not even close to it. If someone notices, that means I am in a bad way.
"Okay." Derek accepts it, as many before him have. It is just a general bullshit answer that slips so easily from my lips. It is almost poetic as the poisonous lie fills the air, hanging low, both of us drawing it into our lungs.
"Okay." I tell him as I close my door. As soon as it shuts, I gasp. The silent tears begin to flow, not falling so silently. I pray that my door is somewhat soundproof. I don't want him to hear. No one can hear.
I don't even make it to the bed. I am somewhat short, falling onto the floor. I don't even care that I am there, my head almost under the bed. I don't care where I am laying. You forget things that once mattered when you are in pain. Things become acceptable. Everything blurs in the painful silent scream that fills your head. I let my tears fall to the floor, filling the carpeting. If it were blood, would I feel less guilty?
I think many people toy with the idea of suicide. It has crossed my mind more often than not. There is something painfully beautiful about it. Your life is the one gift that you have received that is the most prevalent. You would be nothing without your life. It is meaningful and fulfilling if you do it correctly. It is so important, and yet so many find it so easy to throw away. It's final. It's dramatic. It is devastating. I have too much respect for myself and others. I suffer.
"Mer?" Derek asks softly as he enters my room.
At this moment, I am so angry at myself. I can't even stand to be in my skin. I should have learned my lesson. I should have hopped in the shower. I never should have let myself become so vulnerable. I allowed myself to be caught by Derek unintentionally. Now I have to react. I have no idea how to react when I feel this beaten down. I hate me right now. Right now, I do not like me very much.
"Oh my god, Meredith!" Derek says quickly as he looks down. I see him out of the corner of my eyes. Everything is white and blurry. I hate this. I am exposed.
"I'm fine." I said stone coldly as I sit bold upright. I need to turn off the tears and go to the emotionless self that I have trained myself to be.
"Oh, I don't think you are fine." Derek tells me as he sits down next to me. "I know fine. I hate to break it to you... This is not fine. Not even close." He says as he shakes his head.
"I just- I am fine. I just- I'm okay." I tell him with a nod as I nonchalantly wipe my tears with the back of my hand. I can't look over at him. If I look over at him, I will fall apart. I'm not fine. He knows it. It's not a secret between us. That doesn't mean we need to acknowledge it.
"Okay, let's see what else we can throw in there... We have fine. We have okay. How about, all right, fair, good, well... Anything else? I'm sure there are many more words you could use. They would be lies, but you could use them." Derek says with a smile as he looks over at me. "Perhaps there are better words to describe how you feel... Broken? Hurting, shattered, guilt ridden, defeated, dispirited, sad, angry... Any of those?" Derek asks me frankly.
There is something about him. It is how candid he is. He is non-judgemental. He is so unconcerned with everything. I feel shamed for what I have done, but he is making me feel like I shouldn't. He hasn't even talked to me, and I am feeling so much better. Not really better. I am feeling like I could possibly go on because one person in this world thinks that I am not the spawn of satan.
I want to tell him. I want to tell him so badly. Everyone else, I have felt the polar opposite. Everyone else made me feel like I should be locked up somewhere with a sign on my back, saying just how I have wronged. Even my family thinks I am evil for what I have done. I was young. I didn't know. And yet, they carry it. They are shamed because there are people in the world who blame me for the loss of a life. Maybe they should blame me. Maybe not. Either way, everyone in my world does. So why not everyone in the rest of the world.
"It's okay. You need to get this out. You need to get your feelings out before you implode." Derek tells me softly. Maybe he is right. I feel explosive. If I implode, I kill myself. If I explode, we both shall suffer. Right now, he is asking me to explode. I don't know how to diffuse the bomb that is inside of me.
"Yeah..." I agree as I breath out deeply. I can't get the air out of me quickly enough. It has been like I have held that stagnant air in my chest for five years. "I will never forgive myself..."
Derek looks at me. I can't read him. I can't tell if he is feeling pity or if he is really that understanding. Nothing is worse than masked pity. Masked pity makes you think the person you are speaking is not judgmental or feeling sorry for you. The worst thing in the world is when you find out that they really are looking down on you. That makes you fee completely worthless. I'm not sure how Derek feels, but I am taking a chance and I hope I don't regret it.
"Just... Tell me your story." Derek says softly as he grabs my hand. I would normally pull it away and run. Instead I look away and remain there. I don't want him to see the tears falling from my eyes.
"Johnny loved me." I tell him with a nod. There was never a doubt in my mind that in his mind he truly thought he loved me. Maybe he really did love me. I can't say what or how someone is feeling. I can't pretend to know what is going on in someone's head or heart. "I mean, he thought he did. He really thought he loved me. I don't know if he did. I think it was just obsession." I tell Derek with a nod.
I do think it was obsession. That is what I always thought. It wasn't like I could feel the love between us. There was no love, not that I could feel. Maybe I should have pretended. That is what everyone said. They said I had been selfish in the way I reacted. How can they judge me like that? I am who I am. I feel what I feel. So I should lie for the sake of everyone else? Apparently, that is what they wanted. It is what they always wanted.
"Maybe it was obsession." Derek points out. He doesn't even know what I am talking about. Not unless he reads minds, I will let it slide. I think this is him doing the whole understanding thing. "So what happened?"
"He would follow me all around. It didn't matter where I was, or who I was with. He followed. I would be in the most insignificant places and he would be there. Places he had no reason to go, and his car was behind mine, whether I was driving or riding with a friend." I tell Derek. It almost brings chills down my spine and it comes washing back.
"So he was a stalker?" Derek questions. I hate putting it that way. That almost makes Johnny sound like a bad person, and he really wasn't. He was just confused.
"I guess you could say that. I mean, he wasn't a kill you with a knife in your sleep stalker. He was more of a gentle stalker. He just wanted me to notice him." I say as I tear up. This has always been my guilt. "He just wanted me to notice him, and I treated him like shit." I say as I sob. I feel Derek's strong hand on my back as he rubs gently. It feels good. I will never admit it to anyone, but it feels amazing.
"You were young, Mer." Derek tells me. He is right. He is right, I was young. Youth and stupidity pushed Johnny over the edge.
"I was fifteen. He was eighteen." I tell him frankly. Three years is nothing, but when I was fifteen, it seemed like everything. He was old, and I was young. "He was a nerd, Derek. A total dork. He was nice, but he was not smart. He was just... Nice. He never did anything to hurt me. All he did... All he did was love me." I tell him as I burst into tears once again. They shake my body from my core. I can't hold it together. This has been inside for so long, screaming to get out.
"You were young, Meredith. You were young, and I am sure that you had a ton of outside influence from your friends. If he was a dork, like you say, then I am sure your friends were ribbing you about it." Derek says, hitting the nail on the head.
They did. everyone teased me about him. They said he was such a dork and that was stalker I got. I could have gotten a hot stalker, instead I got the nerd. He was always nice to me. I never hated him. He was nice and he would have made a good friend. I couldn't be his friend. They wouldn't let me. They never would have stopped teasing me about it. I just hid from him. He would follow and I would dart and hide. I used him. I would make him bring me things. Food, whatever I wanted. He had to pay to be around me. I guess I was a prostitute." I point out as I look away and feel the tears slide down my cheeks. The salt burns, probably for good reason. I am evil. I am an evil person.
"You are not a prostitute. Mer, you were young. From what I gather, you had no one around your whole life. You had no one to tell you what was right and wrong. You had friends. Friends who wanted you to do what they wanted you to do. I'm sorry for saying this, but you were a puppet. Plain and simple, you were a puppet. And this is not your fault. Whatever happened, you didn't do it purposely. You are not a bad person, not by any means. You give yourself no credit. You are an amazing girl, and all you do it cut yourself down." Derek says as he shakes his head.
"I knew I was breaking his heart. You can see it in a person's eyes. I was breaking his heart and I guess I didn't care. If I cared, I would have taken it back. I didn't take it back, even after I saw what I said did to him. I will go to hell, Derek. If there is a hell, I will be going there. Things like this aren't forgiven. I will never be forgiven." I say frankly as I feel the tears still sliding. If they keep up, surely I will dehydrate and die.
"It can't be that bad, Mer." Derek tells me with a nod. "What could have happened to make you think you are to blame for everything that has gone wrong in the world?" He asks. So much. I should have just let myself love him. Maybe he would be alive if I lied to him and to myself.