A/N: Well, Dai Stiho, all ! I'm so glad that soo many people liked this fic!! -sniff- This is a random little reward update that I'm posting… it's basically all the mini-stories that I didn't get to post before… It's a little strange, but I think you'll like it! And new celebrity deathmatches are included, too! Wow… See how quick I updated? Aren't you proud?? Well, anyhoo, I'm leaving for vacation this Friday, so I might be a little slower! Sorry!
Disclaimer: Still don't own YW… yet! Bwahahahahha!
The Evils of Splenda...
CAT: Ahhhhh, the fun it is to play God...
Ronan: Oh no... what's she got up her sleeve this time?
CAT: -is absorbed in her Sims game and her creamsicle- Hey, Roshaun! I moved you and Dairine in a house together, made you fall in love and wandered off for a half hour. You tried to make some food and set yourself on fire and Dairine was too stupid to walk away from the fire, so now I have a really big, haunted castle in my game! Heehee... -creates new game- Who's next?? Hmmm... Perhaps Nita and Kit...
Ronan: Earth to Crazy Author Lady....
CAT: -drools from corner of mouth- Must... play.... Sims........
Dairine: I'm not stupid, DAMMIT!!!!
Nita: Come on, we're getting bored! If you're going to keep us here, at least entertain us... like maybe some more cross-dressing…
CAT: Merrrrrgh...
Kit: -unplugs computer-
CAT: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Game...all.... ruined!?!? ALL MUST PERISH!!!! -eyes glow red-
Nita: Meep... -ducks and covers-
CAT: Oh well... at least I have my creamsicle sugar-rush to comfort me! -takes a bite- EWWWW! What the hell's wrong with my Creamsicle??? What kind of cruel joke is this???
Dairine: -looks at package- I—I-- I'm sorry... I don't know how to break this to you, but...
CAT: -screams- NOOOOO! NOT SUGAR-FREE!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!
AMS: -pats her on back- It's ok... everything will be fine... just breathe...
CAT: -goes into sugar-withdrawal, which may be worse than a sugar-high- SPLENDA??? I SHALL WREAK MY REVENGE UPON YOU, YOU FIEND!!!!
Dairine: Splenda, eh? Isn't that the new aspartame? You DO know that they took the sugar molecule and replaced a Carbon atom with a Chlorine to make it low-fat, don't you? Doesn't seem kosher to me...
CAT: -sob- Why must we tamper with perfection???? And with the low-carb craze, they'll never put REAL sugar in anything ever again!!! NOOO!!! My creativity is.. .draining... -collapses- Must... have.. sugar, before it's too late...
Ronan: Is that really a bad thing? Maybe we'll finally get away…
CAT: I may be a depraved lunatic without my sugar, but you still don't have a chance at that happening. Keeping you all prisoner in this fic is like having a better version of the Sims… my own little dollhouse!
The OTHER Worst Piece of Drivel Ever
CAT: Now.. Instead of reading a horrible fic, you get to be in one. AMS will hand out the scripts.
-Everyone finally receives their script, and a murmur of outrage breaks the previous silence.-
Ronan: Looks around at the familiar white room- DAMMIT, we're HERE again… -sobs- I should've never opened my mouth…
Dairine: -looking at the script- But this is The Princess Diaries (A/N- sorry if you liked it... you might want to skip this section...)! That has to be the worst movie ever! (A/N- This is the last out... I better not get any flames from anyone who likes Princess Diaries... I warned you...) And you expect us to ACT it out when there was no acting in that stupid movie!
CAT: I told you it might be painful.
Harry: So... we won't have to play girls, right? Please say yes...
AMS: This time, we may let you. It's all determined in auditions.
-The classroom formerly used for the reading of bad fics is transformed into a set.-
CAT: Come up one at a time and state the character you want to be. We'll then assign a role to you. First up is Carl.
Carl: -whimpers-
CAT: WELLLL?
Carl: -sigh- The limo driver.
AMS: Ok. Dairine?
Dairine: Errr... I hate this movie and don't want to be a part of anything that is spawned from it, but all circumstances considered, I'll be the multi-purpose teacher.
CAT: We're not letting you off that easily. You get to be the mom. Go review your lines. NEXT!
AMS: Fred?
Fred: I'd like to know what roles a white hole could play.
CAT: Ummmm...Use your imagination.
Fred: I wanna be the King!
CAT: There is no king; you can be her dead dad. You'd be great at voice-overs.
Fred: -sulks-
AMS: He was a prince, if that makes it up to you...
Fred: Woohoo! Royalty! Bow down to me, knaves!
Tualtha: I'M the only royalty here! Me! Me! Me!
Roshaun: -AHEM-
CAT: -sweatdrops- Get off the stage, Fred. You're causing a riot. Harry?
Harry: No! Anything but this! AUGH!!!
CAT: You're melodramatic, so you get to be Mia's best friend's (I actually had to look at the back of a friend's DVD to find these characters. -shudder-... it was horrible) brother.
Harry: D'oh.
CAT: Nita, come on up. You're the next contestant on--
Nita: Just give me my role. I know you already have it in for me.
CAT: Clever girl. You get to be the star! Meet Princess Mia, everyone.
Nita: There is one thing you should know, though...
AMS: And that is?
Nita: I have stage fright.
CAT: -evilly- You'll get over it.
AMS: Done. Lavender?
Lavender: I wanna be the corny head cheerleader with hidden self-esteem issues!
AMS: Alrighty, then...
CAT: The Lone Power, will you please step forward?
Lone Power: Here! Now, what major evil role is there?
CAT: Hmmm... you could be the gay-ish hairdresser or you could be the accomplice to Lavender's character...
Lone Power: Those roles suck!
CAT: Which one?
Lone Power -tries to perform a spell, but again it doesn't work- Stupid weaklings keeping me here for no good reason... I'll be the cheerleader.
Kit: -snicker-
Lone Power: Quiet, you vermin.
Kit: At least I'm not a crossdresser-- this time... yet. Hey, gee, I think it's Hermione's turn... don't smite me, please.
CAT: Just for that, Kit, you're Mia's best friend.
Kit: A girl?????
CAT: -sigh- What do YOU think?
Kit: ...
Hermione: I guess I'll be another of Mia's friend, even though I hate her character... and this movie...
AMS: Good. Ronan!
Ronan: I want to be a dashing main character!
CAT: Well, you can be a main character...
Ronan: Really?? You saved a good part for me? I knew you loved me!!!
CAT: -sweatdrops- You get to be the gay stylist!
Ronan: GAY???? But I love Nita! Not this again!!!!!
Nita: -sighs-
CAT: Technically, he's not gay, he just acts it...
Ronan: Awww...
CAT: Ron?
Ron: -lip quivers- Can I be Lavender's boyfriend?
CAT: Welll, you can be the preppy guy that went out with Lavender until you find out Mia's a princess and try to get with her to be 'famous'.
Ron: Can I get back with Lavender at the end?
AMS: Sure. Whatever you want.
Ron: Sweet!
All others: -are exasperated by how lovey-dovey the two are-
AMS: Spot?
CAT: You can be the...umm... other cheerleader.
Spot: Joyous day. Rah.
Tom: Ok, out with it. What about me?
CAT: Ah, yes. You're special. You are THE main character.
Tom: Huh? What guy roles are left?
CAT: None.
Tom: D'OH.. So who am I?
AMS: You're the grandmother.
Tom: Awwww, c'mon!
CAT: Thank you, come again. Tualtha, you're Mia's cat. We're done! Prep for the role-playing!
Tualtha: At least I'm almost royalty...
Carl: -pats Tom on the back- I feel bad for you buddy, but--
CAT: Gee, Carl, I'm surprised...
Carl: Huh?
CAT: -grins- The driver and the grandma go out.
Carl and Tom: WHA???
CAT: -grins-
Carl: But--
Kit: -snickers- Most the kids in the neighborhood think you are, anyways.
Tom: We just LIVE together!!!!!
Kit: We believe you...
Nita: HEY! You're not allowed to lie, punk!
Kit: -humdedum-
Nita: -sighs- Let's just resign ourselves to our parts, shall we?
Tom and Carl: Just as long as everyone knows that WE AREN'T GAY!!!!
Kit: -sigh- Then why haven't either of you had girlfriends?
Tom: For the LAST time, I'm in a rut, that's all...
Nita: For five books--? I mean years... Yeah. That's exactly what it is.
Carl: -sniffles- I want my magic!!!! The other kids are picking on me again, just like in high school! DAMN YOU, ENTROPY!!!! I'M BUSY WITH TWO JOBS!!!!
Dairine: I think we should all back off before we have two crazy senior wizards on our hands...
CAT: -frowns- But the grandmother is crazy... and so are all the actors in this movie.
Ronan: Do you want to be stuck with two ranting lunatics in addition to me for the rest of the fic?
CAT: Good point. Everyone calm down and stop talking amongst each other.
Nita: -pouts-
CAT: Let's just start.
-Nita gets on stage, takes a look around, and promptly faints-
Dairine: -kicks Nita- Hey... you... daughter.. you're a princess.... awww, screw this.. I can't take it anymore!!!!!! -pulls out a flamethrower from her otherspace and incinerates all the scripts- Thank God for the Concealed Carry law...
CAT: -snaps out of the sugar-deprivation that had even led her to think of this- Huh? What happened?
AMS: You were directing a version of Princess Diaries.
CAT: -horror-struck- NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Ronan: I think we've found her weakness...
CAT: That movie is every sane person's weakness... and if you're not careful, I'll make you watch it the whole way through without earplugs.
Ronan: No... I'll be good... I promise.
Dairine: It just goes to show: always keep a handy-dandy non-magical defense tool along just in case... it can solve almost any problem: on the road, at school, with sisters, even with crazy sugar-dependent authors! And always remember that the Combusto 2000 is the only way to go in the flamethrowing market!
Nita: -backs away from flamethrower- Are you plugging things again through the books? How much did Apple pay you again????
Dairine: Can't blame a girl for wanting to make a little side cash...
Nita: Isn't that a little greedy?
Dairine: Nah.. I just call it enterprising...
Nita: -sigh- Big difference...
CAT: -weakly- Get me out of this room. It carries the stench of the Princess Diaries still...
Kit: ...weren't you the one who brought us in here? If YOU can't get us out...
CAT: ... Ohh..... right! Well, we need a little more violence to erase this incident from our minds, so we're going to the old stand-by that always cheers me up:-they appear in The Arena- CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!
(A/N- A note to those fans of PD that went on and read this... yes, some of my best friends like THAT movie, and they're still good people... kinda. And I've never read the books, so if anyone likes Meg Cabot, remember that, too. So, basically, just keep in mind that this is all in good fun! And if you still wanna flame, I can use it to set Draco's gel-encrusted hair on fire!!!)
Celebrity Deathmatch Rounds Four and Five!
CAT: You know, I'd say that it was just another normal day at Kit's house, but we all know that that'd be a blatant lie. …So it was another day spent with way too many people crammed into one room watching the sentient TV when someone had nerve enough to beat me to disturbing the tranquility! And that someone was none other than Draco Malfoy and cronies.
Draco: What's all this about someone threatening to set my hair on fire with a flamethrower??? You just wait until my daddy hears about this!
Hermione: You know, that doesn't sound nearly as threatening as you want it to. I mean, damn! You use it every year, and everything ends up fine anyways! Not to mention that it proves that you cry to your Daddy-waddy regularly. Wussy…
Draco: -to Hermione- Hey, mudblood! How's it going?
Hermione: -rolls her eyes and restrains Harry and Ron, who spring at Draco- Is mudblood really the best that you can do?? Come on, get original. Even your taunts suck. I mean,really! Badges that say 'Potter stinks'?? What were you thinking???? And that doesn't even go into your really bad one-liners. "I'll be dogging you" is supposed to be threatening? Even if you were talking about Sirius, no one's afraid when you put it like that. Loser. Go to public school for a day and you'll learn some REALLY offending insults, you -BLEEEEEEEEEEPITY BLEEP BLIP BLEEEEEEEEP-! Especially with hair like that…
Draco: -dreamily- You're really cute when you tell me off…
Nita: Someone has issues…
Lone Power: WOOHOO! It's not me this time!!!
CDM announcer: -AHEM- Can we get started now????
Lone Power and Dairine: It's THAT voice again!!! GET IT!!!
-CDM announcer explodes under the impact of two spells, only to be replaced with another one.-
CDM announcer2: Today's first Celebrity Deathmatch is an interesting one— minor evil fighting minor evil!!! In the first corner is Draco Malfoy, token spoiled rich boy and scourge of the Gryffindor House!!!
Draco: WHAT??? I'm gonna have to fight??? I don't wanna to be a part of this! I'll tell Daddy! Especially if it's that Hermione chick… she punches really, really hard!! Crabbe, Goyle! Help!!!!
Crabbe: I can help you if I sees a thing, but dis is just a voice? What can I do, boss?
Ronan: Hate to break it to you, but none of us WANT to be a part of this. You're stuck here, buddy.
CDM Announcer2: -AHEM- Now on to the match…
-CDM Announcer2 is killed from a spell from Draco, only to be replaced by CDM Announcer3-
Lone Power: Wowie! They're like cockroaches! You can kill them as much as you want, and they'll just keep on popping up again! Neat-o!!!! -amuses himself by disposing of enough CDM announcers that the count goes up to CDM announcer 340, who is the only one intelligent enough to put up a ward-
CDM Announcer 340: -AHEM- Anyways, in the opposite corner, YW's very own minor annoyance/evil: Joanne Virella!
Joanne: GAH! -to Kit and Nita- YOU geeks are here!! ..And you're all doing magic!!! And no one even blinked an eye, even though 339 invisible voices were just killed!!! That's it—I'm screwed.
CDM Announcer340: Anyways, the last one standing at the end of the fight is the winner and gets to live! Have at it, you two!
Draco: Hey… this isn't as bad as I thought! -eyes up Joann- How you doin'?
Joanne: I like your hair… and your accent… and-- MMPH! -the two start to make out-
Hermione: EWWW! Pry them apart with a crowbar!!!
Draco: Don't worry, my freaky-deaky little mudblood… there's enough Draco to go around!
Hermione: -retches at the thought-
Harry: HEY! That's MINE!!!! MINEMINEMINEMINE!!!!! -positions himself in front of Hermione-
Hermione: -sweatdrops-
Ron: Smooth, Harry. Real smooth.
Draco: -goes back to kissing Joanne-
CDM Announcer340: HEY! I DIDN'T MEAN 'HAVE AT IT' LIKE THAT!!! -sends both back to their corners-. Hormonal teenagers… I meant that someone has to get beat up!
Draco: -looking immensely disappointed until a light bulb goes off in his head- I could never hit a woman, you kno—
-Draco gets pummeled by Joanne, who obviously doesn't care that he was trying to be smooth and (ha!) chivalrous.-
Draco: -twitching- Owww.. Crabbe, Goyle… DADDY! Protect me… It hurts! -passes out-
CDM Announcer 340: It looks like we have a winner! Joanne? You get to leave the fic and never come back!
Joanne: Good. This is lame.
CAT: WRONG THING TO SAY!!!!! -smites Joanne until she's as black and blue as Draco, then sends her passed out in her front yard-
Nita: -whew- I'm glad that you did that… I wouldn't have been able to hold back much longer.
Crabbe: Hey, boss? Are you ok? Do we still get paid for today?
Goyle: Yeah… we're sorry. But dat chick was like a animal or som'thing.
Dairine: Bah! That wussy'll be all right. If he can't take a beating once in a while—
Goyle: You sure are purdy! -tries to wink, but ends up squinting-
Roshaun: You'd better back up before either of you get seriously hurt.
-Both put their arms around her shoulders and try to cop a feel on her backside-
Dairine: PERVERTS! That's it—
CDM Anouncer340: Our next celebrity death match is about to begin!
Dairine: You can't just interrupt me when I get on a roll like that!
CDM Announcer340: Our first fighter is none other than—
Dairine: You CANNOT just ignore me like that!!!!
CDM Announcer: …The girl that's chewing my ear off over here.
Dairine: EH?
CDM Announcer340: And the opponents are the two lumps that put together might have half a brain—Crabbe and Goyle!!!!
Dairine: Let me at them!!!!
Crabbe: Why are we's in a wrestlin' arena?
Goyle: I dunno… maybe they haff a surprise for us.
CDM Announcer340: Let's get ready to RUMMMMMBLE!!!
Dairine: I'm gonna go Crouching Tiger on yer asses!!!
Crabbe: Why's dat girl coming at us?
-Dairine pummels the two until they fall on the ground-
Dairine: That'll -kick- teach -kick- you -kick- not -kick- to -kick- try -kick- to -kick- touch -kick- MY -kick- ass. Try it again and I'll kick your asses even harder, got it????
Crabbe: Mrrrrg…
Goyle: Grrrrm…
CDM Announcer 340: We have a winner!! Dairine, you get-- -pauses- Well, nothing… except the satisfaction of kicking the crap out of those two.
Dairine: Meh… works for me…
Draco: That chick's even scarier than Hermione…
CAT: Ahh… see? Violence is a beautiful thing… especially against perverts.
Dairine: I couldn't have said it better myself.
AMS: So everything was back to normal—except the three guys passed out on the floor…and… and—Awww, screw it. Nothing's ever normal around here… I give up. -grabs flamethrower- Heeeeeeere, Draco, Draco, Draco…
A/N- Coming soon- drunkenness and makeovers. Sound scary? Excelllllent…. Hope you all enjoyed this one! The little periwinkle box wants you to write in it. I'll post the drunken one sooner if you do!!! Well, until then: Dai, cousins! (Hmmm… ever wonder why Dai sounds an awful lot like Die? Some way to greet someone else… -grins-) Now go… the Periwinkle Pop-up is waiting!!! Oh, and if you like HP, read my other fic! Come on, it's about switching bodies… you know you want to! Thanks to everyone who read this! Until next time…