I do this. I always do this. This is my release. Sex is a great release. It masks my pain. It is so much easier than sobbing in front of Derek. Surely this will become a habit for me. When I can't deal, I will sex. If I am sad, I will sex. Sexing is much easier than accepting the things that are going through your head. There is that moment, before you cum when everything is pure and white. My mind goes blank and I breathe. It staves off my orgasm, keeping me in a perfect balance, holding me over the edge in pleasure. That is what I seek. That is what I need.
"What?" Derek asks in shock as he looks at me. I am vulnerable. I'm not a fan of being nude, but right now, somehow it doesn't matter. Right now, I am before him in my bra, praying he will take that pain away.
"Fuck me." I growl as I grab his shirt and begin to pull it over his head. Surely I can convince him of what he needs. "I need you to fuck me, and I need it now." I say frankly as I toss his shirt and go to work on my own bra. I toss it aside and am now before him. He can't turn me down.
"Mer... I don't think this is how you should-" He starts to say. I don't want to hear what he has to say. In fact, I couldn't care any less. I quickly shove him backwards, sending him to the floor on his shirtless back.
"This is what I want." I tell him snappily as I lay over him and begin to work on the button on his jeans. He looks at me in shock. I don't think he knows how to react. The truth is, it would be smart for him to not react at all. It would be smartest for him to lay there and let me do as I please.
"This is not what you need." He groans. Yep, he is in a personal struggle. Should he get laid, or do the right thing? I can see it in his eyes. I don't care. I know what I want. I quickly grasp the sides of his jeans and boxers.
"You need to lift your ass up." I tell him as I tug. Surprisingly, he actually does as I say. I think he knows it isn't worth the fight. I have to say, his cock won't lie. His cock is on end like the huge meaty member that it is. His cock wants it, even if he tries to lie to me and say no.
"I think you are-" He starts again. I am not giving him a choice in this matter. I am going to tell him what to do and say. His thoughts are not important.
"Am going to fuck you, yes. Yes, I am. And you are going to shut up! I know what I want. I know what I need." I tell him as I unbutton my jeans and slide them down with my panties. I quickly contort myself and take them off. I need that cock inside of me. I need that release so badly.
"Oh." He says meekly. Derek has gone somewhat silent. I look at his cock and smile. My head hurts and my nose is plugged up. I actually feel pretty sick, but not too sick to fuck. I straddle his legs and run my hands over his thighs. The perfect amount of muscle on a body. I draw in a breath. Everything about him is hard. My soft hands go over his hips, running along his bush. I actually hate it. I wish he was bare, but I won't say anything. Hair means nothing to me right now. "Oh god..." He groans as he feels my hand run over his hard shaft.
"Do you like that?" I ask as I milk it softly, only able to get my hand part of the way around it's girth. "I bet you do..." I tell him as I run my thumb over it's glistening beet red head. I let out a breath as I scoot my way up and hover over his cock. I am in the zone now. There are no thoughts of Johnny. Just sex. It is the fog.
"Oh god, Mer." I hear him moan as I run my clit over his cock. I know he wants to go there. He can't resist my dripping wet core.
"Oh yes, Derek." I say as I slowly sink my weight onto him. I close my eyes and groan as I feel his thickness fill me up. It is slightly painful as he spreads my walls, but I like a little pain. Pain reminds me that I am alive. I gently pull myself up off of him and slide back down, feeling my hot fluid easing him in and out of me. I was going to ride him hard, but somehow I can't get myself going. "Tell me, Derek. Tell me! Tell me what you want! Tell me how it feels!" I demand, wanting him to beg me.
"Oh god, Mer. You are so tight. You are perfect. Fuck, you are great." He tells me loudly as as he grasps my hips. Apparently his thoughts of resistance are also gone. It's funny what pussy can do to a man.
I close my eyes as I rock hard on top of him. I close my eyes so that I can feel it. I need to feel it rip through my body, one pleasure filled wave after another. He is everything I need right now, and everything I want. I will let our needs consume me so that I lose sight of the pain that is there and so opaque. I never knew my pain was obvious until I looked into Derek's eyes and saw the reflection of my own.
"Oh god! Oh god!" I cry out as I feel my body tensing up. I gasp for breath, waiting for that minute when I hold it and let it all crash down. Derek's cock is pulsating strongly as it prepares to blow it's load. "Oh god... I'm...Oh!" I cry out.
"I'm cumming. I'm fucking cumming. Cum with me, Mer. Cum with me." Derek begs me as he grabs my hands firmly. I feel our finger entwine as my walls crash around him tightly, milking his essence from his hard veiny cock. "Oh god!" He grunts as he releases in my core, mixing with my own hot sticky fluid.
"Oh...Oh..." I pant as I stay straddled on him, feeling our bodies reacting to each other. Now for the fun. The fun has ended, and what comes next... Well, let's just say I'd rather sex it out.
I lay there on the floor. His cum is pouring out of me, and I just lay there. There is no attempt to clean myself. At this moment, I am thinking about the fact that if they brought a black light into this room, oh how grandma would see my sins. I am not thinking about the things I should be thinking about. Just the stupid stuff. Anything to avoid the pain that is my past. Anything to lighten my spirit and make me whole again. I have to admit, I doubt that will ever happen.
"Mer..." I hear Derek say. My god, why can't the man just enjoy his orgasm? No. Of course not. Right now he wants to talk about my life. Why can't he just make me cum again instead of talking about my feelings. Damn man. He's not really a man at all.
"What, Derek?" I snap. Okay, he probably didn't deserve the snap, but that is what he got. Who does he think he is, trying to get in my head and walk around. I hate that more than anything. "What do you want?"
"Sex doesn't change anything. You still feel the same." He tells me. Now that was a big mistake. Telling me how I feel.
"You don't know that. Maybe I feel fucking great, Derek. Maybe I am wonderful. In fact, I am wonderful. Thanks for the orgasm." I say as I reach for my shirt and pull it over my head.
"Why don't you like to feel?" Derek asks me. Okay, now he is a psychologist. "I mean, feeling is part of life. Feeling is the best part of being alive and being human. You have feelings and you chose to ignore them. I will never understand it, Mer. You know if you dealt with things now, it would only get better. This denial thing is stupid."
"Why are you doing this? Did I ask for your opinion? No! I did not. Just- Go. Leave, Derek. Leave my room." I say as I stand up. Right now I am so mad at him. I can't believe he is doing this. Why is he doing this to me?
"This is what you do. You push people away. This is so stupid, Mer." Derek tells me. Damn it. How does he do this? How does he peg me? Why does he peg me?
As I sit on the bed, I have no idea what to do. I have just poured my heart out to him. I have put myself in that horrible vulnerable position. I hate this more than anything. I do this often. I do this all of the time. I say things and then I regret it. I pour my heart out, only to get trampled. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. Now he is going to judge me. I can't stop him from forming opinions about me and my situation. Why do I do this to myself?
"I do nothing, Derek. I don't know what you are talking about." I lie as I look away. I can't look at him. I may break. I need to show that I am okay. I need him to know that I am fine and not in distress like he thinks I am. "I am fine."
"There is more to this." Derek says quickly. That catches my attention, and it catches it quickly.
I look over at him. There is more. There is always more. How does he know? How does he even have an idea that there is more. Johnny was unfortunate, but he wasn't the problem. It was Jack that was the problem. Jack shook me so deep in my soul, I will never come back. Jack is the reason I couldn't love Johnny. Jack ruined me. He made me a different person. Right now, I hate Derek. I hate him for even suggesting that there is more.
"I knew it. I knew there was more." Derek muses. I don't pay attention to him. Maybe if I sit here in silence, he will just shut his mouth and not think. Maybe he will drop whatever it is that he had thought or or formed about my life. "There is, isn't there?" Derek asks again. Apparently I was wrong. He has not forgotten. Damn.
"You know what, Derek? I hate you! I hate you so much." I growl as I look him in the eyes with my clenched jaw and hard face. Now it is time to hurt him. He has hurt me. "Maybe you need to worry about your own life? you are the loser here. You can't even- You are such a loser, worrying about my problems when you have your own. Anyone who does what we are doing has problems. Oh yeah, you heard me. You have problems, Derek. Commitment issues. Probably mental issues too!" I say loudly. Hopefully I have gotten to him. I want to hurt him.
"Throwing it on my will not work, Mer. Not to mention, my problems are just that. They are my problems. And I don't think I am in the same state as you. You are in distress, Mer. You need to talk. You talk and then you drop. You don't wait for someone to support you. You automatically think that I will judge or hurt you. Then you do this bullshit of I will hurt you back. It's a vicious cycle, and you need to get over it." Derek tells me as he grabs my hand.
"You don't know me, Derek. Why do you insist on pretending that you do?" I ask him as I look away. No one knows me. I don't even know myself anymore.
"Because you need someone to know you, Meredith. And I do know you. You are far more transparent than you think. Well, at least you are to someone who is looking. You are damaged, but no beyond repair. You are sad, but that can be fixed. Tell me what else happened. What happened before Johnny?" He asks with a frown and a sigh.
"Fuck you, Derek. You don't know me. You never will." I say as I rip my pants off the floor and throw them on. I am done with him. Fuck this.
"Meredith! Meredith, wait." Derek says quickly as he jumps off the floor and stands up. I don't say a word. I know he is standing there completely nude. Right now I don't care. At the moment, I couldn't care any less. "You need to-"
"You have no idea what I need." I say angrily. This is me. This is my problem. Now I am lashing out because I let myself get vulnerable. What's worse, I got vulnerable in front of the last person that I ever wanted to see me that way. Derek had a clear view of me. It was a good view. He had no idea of the nasty secrets that I am holding inside of me. Now he knows some, and he will hate me for it. I can't bear to look him in the eyes because I know what he is doing. He is judging.
"You're right! Just- Stop. You are right, Meredith. I have no idea what you need. You know what you need more than anyone. I just want to help you. If it makes you feel better to talk to me, then I want you to. If not, than it's okay. I felt you opening up. I think you needed it. You needed it really bad. Now you are scared, and that is okay. It will be okay." Derek says with a nod as he looks tips my chin and looks me in the eyes.
As I stand here in front of him, I draw in a breath. He is right. I should not have said anything, but the truth is, I needed to. I needed to get it out. The problem is, I don't need someone that is going to indulge in my drama. I don't need someone who is going to blow it out of proportion like it is something that a movie should be made out of. I just need one person to make me feel better so that I can move on. My family makes me feel shameful, and the rest of the world looks at me in shock. I just want it to be forgotten. Is that so hard?
"I want it to go away." I tell him frankly as I look down. Once again, I cannot look into his eyes. Once again, I can't let him see into my soul, something he does so well.
"Then make it go away. You are the one. You have to make it go away, and no one else." He tells me frankly, s if he know exactly what I need.
"How? How do I make it go away?" I ask as I glance down at his package. It is right there before me, looking like perfection. "For god's sake, put some clothes on." I say with a giggle. If that isn't distracting, I don't know what is.
"What? Are you not comfortable with my nakedness?" Derek asks with a laugh as he shakes himself. At least he can make light at the moment. Right now, I need light.
"Um, well, usually I'm fine, but right now... Yeah." I say as I grab his pants and hold them up for him. I smile as he grabs his boxers and tosses them on.
"So you are ready? To talk to me?" He asks with a smile. Apparently he thinks this lightness has made me open up. Sometimes he is so stupid. Sometimes he is such a boy.
"No. Not really. I just talked to you." I point out with a nod. "Why would I need to talk to you again?" I ask him frankly. Right now, I don't even think that he is thinking about what I said. He isn't standing there trying to piece it all together and judge me. I don't even think anything is crossing his mind.
"I don't know. I just thought- I know there is a lot more to this story." Derek says with a frank nod. He acts like he knows, but the funny thing is, he has no idea. He has no idea what goes on in my head.
"Yeah, well, I already... I don't need this." I tell him as I shake my head no quickly. I don't need it. I don't need the stress right now. I already feel like I am dying inside. I don't need to have anything extra from him. I need nothing more to bear on my collapsing shoulders.
"Okay." He says with a nod. That was it? Okay and he was going to drop it? I can't believe it. I really can't. Usually everyone pushes and they push to far. He is actually dropping it.
"Okay?" I ask in shock. I mean, I have to ask. I think this may be monumental. I think this is probably a huge deal.
"Yes. If you don't want to talk, you don't have to." He says with a nod. Now I am wondering if this is some sort of reverse psychology. Now that I am aware, I will be able to counter it if need be. "In fact, I can think of something so much better to do than to just talk." He says as he grabs my hands and turns me around.
"Oh yeah? What is that?" I ask with a raised brow. I think I already know what that is. I think I may be dripping wet in anticipation.
"I love to eat pussy." He tells me with a big nod. What a bold statement. What a statement that most girls can love and cause them to become endearing over such a person that makes said statement.
"Do you now?" I ask with a raised brow as I allow him to lay me back on the bed. I let out a faint sigh as my head rests on the thick comforter. I feel like I am laying on a cloud as Derek gently works on my buttons and zipper, tugging my jeans and panties off, tossing them aside.
"I do." Derek breathes over my et pussy lips. I can fee the heat rising from my core and from where is hot breath is teasing me. I take in a deep breath as I feel his long tongue slide along one lip and down the other. Nothing feels better than his mouth gently grazing my womanhood with the intent of causing me pleasure.
"Oh... Yeah..." I sigh as he spreads my lips with his tongue, taking a taste of my wet slit. I moan as he dips his tongue deep within my vagina, teasing me as he makes it pulsate. "Oh...Oh...Oh..." I pant as he runs up to my clit and flicks it, starting gently and increasing in force and speed. I gasp for breath as I feel my orgasm so near. Derek isn't letting off as he takes nips of my clit and then begins to flick again. "Oh god, oh god!" I shout as I feel myself there and on the edge. I feel the wave crash down hard as he pushes harder and farther. I feel my whole core pulsate and contract reacting to the pleasure he just gave me.
"Good?" He asks with a smile as he comes up from drinking me dry. I just smile. All I can do it smile.
I lay back on the bed and close my eyes. I'm tired. It's an emotional tired that I seem to carry around on me. I have likened myself to a pack mule and that is the way I live my life. I walk by, and everyone throws just one more thing on me. I let myself stumble along. Part of me questions how they will react when I finally collapse from the load, letting all of their secrets and precious cargo fall to the earth, covered but a thin layer of clay dust from the soil. I guess we will see, because it had yet to happen.
I feel Derek lay beside me on the bed. He won't stay there. I won't allow him. I never let boys stay in my bed. He has no reason to be in my bed. I hold my bed in my hand, clutching it tightly. It's a place where I can be alone. It's sacred to me. There I can lay and be myself. I can cry if I need to. I can do whatever I want, and I don't want to share it. I want to keep it to myself.
I have no idea where to go from here. The truth is, there will be no significant change. Not at all. Derek will return home, and I will stay here. Even if he is being foolish by judging me and possible mocking me, I won't see it. As I lay here, I am already questioning his loyalty. Maybe he really isn't a great guy. There is no way for me to know. It hurts me. It makes me worry. I wonder if I will be the topic of discussion on his way home. Will they laugh at how pathetic I am?
"You can go." I tell him as I begin to get mad.
I have realized this is a quality I have, and it's not a good one. Not at all. I will lay here and think. Or sit. Either way, I begin to think about all of the possibilities. I think about everything that could happen. Most of the time, it's so farfetched it is ridiculous. Not only do I let my thoughts manifest into what could be reality, but I get angry for the person acting the way that they have yet to act. See, my thing isn't innocent until proven guilty. Mine is guilty before committing the crime. It's a bad way to be, and I desperately wish I could end it.
"What?" Derek asks quickly. I am sure that he is a normal person who is wondering what is with my sudden change of attitude. He probably laid there contemplating what he would wear tomorrow, or at just what point he should stop for gas on his trip home. He wasn't laying there thinking about the complex meaning of our existence like I was.
"You can go. As in, get out. Out of my room." I tell him without opening my eyes to look at him. Imagine my state of shock when he doesn't jump out of my bed like it is on fire.
"Okay, I don't get this. I don't get you at all. What the hell, Meredith?" Derek asks in shock as he stares at me. I know he is staring. I don't have to look. I'm not opening my eyes and acknowledging him.
"What, Derek?" I ask with a definite condescending tone in my voice.
"You are something. You are- What the fuck? You are so fucking standoffish. You hide your emotions. You sit here and open up to me. I am walking through your crooked ass labyrinth. Finally, I see an opening and I start running. You are throwing little bits out to me, and then I run into a fucking wall!" Derek says somewhat angrily. I can tell that he is irritated with me, and probably for good reason. The thing is, i know my faults. I'm just unsure as to how to fix them.
"I do not." I lie. Now I lie about something I know is fact. Maybe the first step towards recovery would be to admit it. Maybe if I said, "Yeah, I do that." I would be able to fix the behavior. Instead, I go for the hard ass route. Because I am so smart.
"Now you are lying." Derek says as he sits up. Still, my eyes are closed. Closed to keep out him. If I open them, he creeps in and takes over everything.
"I said you could go." I tell him again. Maybe if I just ignore him, he will give up. Everyone gives up that way. It has worked for years.
"Oh. So now, I will go. I will go and you will lay here and think about how horrible everything is for you. Have you ever stopped to think? I mean really think. Not your Meredith thinking. If you did, maybe you would realize that you are wallowing in self pity." He suggests.
Okay. Now he has hit the nail on the head. But this is me. I have been conditioned to act a certain way. I have worked so hard to be the way I am, hidden behind my armor and my tightly woven mail over my chest. Now he points out my very weakness. That is, that in my armor, I like to make myself weak. I like to fill myself with my pain and drown in it over and over again.
"I will see you later." I tell him as I roll to my side and away from him. Now if that isn't telling him, I don't know what it. My back to him. He should be able to read into that, "And enjoy school. I'm sure you will make an excellent phycologist or psychiatrist. Whatever. Either way, you are attempting to do it now. So, take a step back and wake up, Derek. You are just a boy. A foolish boy." I tell him with a nod.
"I guess never giving up does make me foolish." He says as he gets out of bed and walked to the door. "Have fun in your self pity. I think you have a long swim." Derek mutters as he walks out. I quickly grab my shoe, sitting up. Derek ducks out just as it hits the door. It really should have been his forehead. It would have been had he not been one step ahead. My god, is he always once step ahead. In all my thinking, did I fail to notice?