I miss Derek. God, I wish I did not. I wish there were a way for me to lie to myself further. If I could just convince myself to believe all the bullshit I tried to stream through, I'd be happy. Instead, I know that I miss him. I know I care about him, and yet I try to lie. I pretend that I could not care less if I never saw him again. The truth is, if I didn't see him again, my heart would ache and I would feel as if it were the end of the world. That is what he does to me.
My days never change. My life never changes. Everything remains the same. I go through the same steps. I do the same pattern as if my life depended on it. Many times I have been teased. Many times people have said that I am an old lady who is trapped in a young woman's body. I have already placed myself in the mold, and I'm not even trying to change. I am there. I am in a rut. I am alone.
My friends want me to do things. They would want nothing more than for me to go hang out every weekend. They want me to go with them and waste my time, being foolish like them. I'm so future oriented that it is ridiculous. The funniest part of it all, is that the future holds nothing for me. I am following in my mom's footsteps. What is the future alone? It was something I was always prepared to deal with, and yet now, it seems so daunting to me. The future actually sounds like the final act.
I lay back on my bed, reading my book. I don't have the drive to study, and yet I am. Studying hasn't always been the easiest thing for me to do. It seems to go in and then no where. It's like all of my thoughts and knowledge vaporize before they can even be absorbing into my thick skull. That problem, coupled with the fact that I am so distracted, only makes things ten times worse. Damn Derek seems to consume my thoughts more than anyone else. As I go to roll over and find a comfortable spot, I hear my phone ring.
I don't always answer my phone. I screen my calls more often than not. I avoid Izzie at all costs when I am in that mood. I am in that mood a lot. It seems like that mood has now become my normal mood, and that is sad. I am not the person I should be. I should have morphed into someone better than the person I have become, because really, I have become a monster.
I look at my phone. It's Mark. I can't help but smile, something I rarely do anymore. There are a few people that cam make me smile and he happens to be one of them. Mark is like that light when you are in the cave. He comes just when you need him. You smack the flashlight just a little harder, and on pops the light. He has no idea how good he makes me feel. He has the ability to pull me up from a dark place, much like Derek. I would never admit to Derek that he has that power to. It seems I hide my emotions. I know that, and now everyone else is figuring that out too.
"Hey!" I say happily. It's hard not to be happy. He called me. That means he wants to talk to me. I don't like chasing people around, and when they come to me it makes me feel all the better.
"Hey, Mer. How are you?" He asks happily. It's hard to believe that is boy was once so depressed that he contemplated killing himself. Now he is like a ray of eternal sun. It's invigorating and annoying at the same time.
"I'm good." I lie. the thing is, I haven't been good in so long, Im not sure what good is. I will just continue to bullshit everyone for all eternity. The truth is, I'm not happy, so why not let them be happy with my false happiness.
"Sure." Mark says, knowing better. At least he knows. I don't want him to think I am mopey, or that I am some person that is incapable of happiness, however true it may be.
"No, Mark. I really am feeling great." I say as I try to push forward just a little more. At least if I'm going to lie, I am going to lie really well and try to convince him. "Actually, I'm going out with friends tonight. In just a little bit." I add. Now I am rolling. Now I am lying so well.
"Oh. That's good! I mean, you should be getting out." Mark points out genuinely. Mark has no ulterior motives. He is a good guy that really does just want me to be happy. "Derek is out. I'm really not sure what to do. He has been out every night."
"Oh." I say softly. Maybe he has been out studying. Maybe he is out with his friends. "Derek is out?"
"Yeah. He's been with this girl. She seems nice enough, but you know how things go They never leave each other's side." He says with a sigh. I know how things go. Derek is a whore. He is a fucking manwhore who is out fucking some girl as we speak, most likely. I feel my stomach churn as I think about his cock deep inside someone else. Him making another girl moan. Him being her everything. It makes me sick
"Oh! Izzie's here. I'll talk to you later." I say as I hang up the phone, not waiting for a response.
I can't believe it. Even I will admit it. I'm jealous. The thought of Derek sharing everything that we have together, with someone else makes me irate. I don't like it. I quickly roll over and cover my head with a pillow, not that it will drown out my thoughts. If that doesn't put me in a sour mood, I don't know what ever will. Why on earth did I ever let him stick that cock in my pussy?
I guess I could rebel. I guess I could go out tonight, have a little tequila, and find me the nicest piece of ass in the bar. I am of legal age to do so these days. But I won't. I won't do it because Derek is the guy I want. Being with another guy won't make that go away. It will be a temporary numbness that won't make things any better.
This is how it went. I went all that time, minutes turning into hours, hours morphing into days, until it was all a blur. I go on. I go on, not even sure what the going on really does. It helps to think about him. I don't do it often. I would never let him know. It does help. Right now, I'm going on, trudging through life. I guess eventually, it will all come to me, closing in perfectly, all of my desires mapped out before me, ready to take over.
Unless you have been in my shoes, it's really hard to explain what it's like. I can't put into words how you walk through life, mulling over mundane facts and happenings. You just do it. The one thing that tends to put a slight smile on my face is Derek. Just his name makes me smile with satisfaction. I like the way I feel around him, although I am almost too reserved. I feel that I have to be that way. I need to protect myself, above all.
Counting down the time until Derek comes back seems utterly pathetic, but that is just what I do. I stop short of circling the big day on my calendar and slashing all days before. I keep in all in my head, every morning saying just how much time is left. It may seem utterly pathetic, because it is. I should never feel this way about someone. I should not be so involved. Especially when he is the world's biggest manwhore.
As I lay in my bed, reading the latest installment of my classes, I look at the calendar. Two days. I have two days before Derek is to come. I know this all too well. And here I am laying in my bed, reading for class. A class that is actually yet to come. It's so much better than going out with my friends, displaying my faux happiness. I toss my book aside and close my eyes, ready for a nap. Just as I begin to drift off, I hear my phone ring.
"Hello?" I mumble softly, I'm in that very relaxed half sleep state that I love so much.
"Mer?" I hear a familiar voice say. It's Derek. Derek is calling me and he seems really happy. I quickly flash my eyes open, as if looking around will help me absorb his voice better.
"Derek?" I ask in shock as I listen intently to his breathing. I even know the soft rhythm in which he breathes. He is always relaxed. Never stressed like me. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Oh yeah. Of course it is." Derek tells me as chuckles. I'm not really sure why he is chuckling. I didn't say anything funny. Of course my first thought is the gorgeous blonde that is probably tonguing his his. Oh well, to each his own. I'm jealous, but I'll never admit it.
"So what do you want?" I snap. I'm not overly nasty, but I am getting my point across. If he is laying with that perfect blonde, he can kiss my ass.
"Geez, Mer. Are you okay?" Derek asks, probably referring to my tone. I let out a sigh. Even I can admit that I am acting completely ridiculous.
"I'm fine, Derek." I say softly, trying to calm my growing animosity towards a person that very well may not exist. "I was just getting ready to take a nap." I point out. I don't want him to think I am a grumpy bitch. Maybe if he thinks I am exhausted, he will excuse my recent shortness.
"Oh... Well I was actually calling, hoping you were coming over today." He said with a smirk. I swear, the phone began to glow, coming from the smile on his face.
"Coming over?" I ask in with confusion. Derek is not supposed to be around for another two days. I have to admit, I still think it's strange that he comes to our house for the holiday season. I guess his parents just don't care. The truth is, I know nothing of him or his family. I have been incredibly selfish when it comes to that. I just know nothing about him, and I haven't tried. "What do you mean, coming over?"
"We got in last night. We came a couple days early. Mark was able to get some time off of work. Your Aunt Claire isn't here yet, she is coming on the day she was supposed to and staying a bit later. But we are here, if you want to come over." He points out. I feel my heart jump to my throat. I immediately feel fantastic as I jump out of bed, leaving my book and my attitude far behind.
"Sure, I'll come over." I say nonchalantly. "See you in a bit." I add as I hang up the phone.
I quickly rush to my closet. This is always the fun part. I have to find something to wear for Derek. The funny thing is, it's not really the top layer that counts. I like to wear my scanty panties and sexy matching bras for him. I'm not sure if he even notices, but either way, I want to look hot underneath. I quickly throw my favorite black lace ones in my back, along with the deep red satin with the black lace overlay.
I take a quick, but good shower. I always say the shaving is the most important part. Guys like girls that smell good. I try to use something subtle, but something that smells nice. Lavender works fairly well, as does something tropical in the summer. It's cold outside, so I go for the lavender, a tiny reminder that summer's meadows aren't that far away. It seems to be a soft sent that hangs in the air. Only real lavender smells good, there is a difference between the better stuff and the cheap stuff.
I dress myself in a cute top and jeans, that is something that has changed a little. I seem to be getting more fashion sense. I toss my bag in the back of the Jeep and start it up. I can't help but have a smile on my face. I can't wait to see him. Even more so, I can't wait to feel him.
I like to drive fast. I will admit it is quite a passion of mine. There is something when the light turns green that makes my adrenaline pump. I have that need for speed that everyone talks about. It's like a disease. The thing is, I don't want it to go away. I enjoy every minute of it. This need for speed comes in handy when I am heading somewhere I want to be. Like in bed, with Derek.
My grandparent's home looks amazing with the blanket of snow covering the yard. All of the Christmas lights are shining through the snow in beautiful big orbs as20the light is deflects through the three inches of fresh snow that had fallen last night. It looked like a winter wonderland; just the way my grandma wants it. There is nothing she enjoys more than Christmas. To me, it's just another day, taken over by material minded people.
"Hello?" I mutter as I walk in. I am actually hoping that Derek will bound up the stairs and drag me to our lair before anyone knows I am here. We could get a good fucking session in, disguised as much needed rest for a tired driver. I am not so lucky.
"Meredith!" My aunt Claire says happily. You can't win them all. It doesn't matter; I know good fucking is coming. I can tell you that my pussy is dewy with my wetness. It's all in anticipation for him.
"Aunt Claire! You aren't supposed to be here!" I say as she comes up. I must admit, I'm on my best behavior and it's even scaring me. "How are you?" I ask her happily as I let her hug me. I allow hugs, just on occasion. This is a pre-sex mood, so she is safe. Hugging me pre-sex is like walking into a pack of wolves that just ate a hearty meal. It's fairly safe.
"We decided to come early too. I have been good. Work is killing me. What can I say, though? I have a fabulous job. Great pay and wonderful benefits, what more can you ask for? It's good. And how about you? How is life here?" She asks as she pulls away and looks into my eyes. I manage a half smile as I return her gaze.
"I'm good. Busy with class, but making it." As I stand there explaining how my life is, I see Derek in the background. I can't help but be somewhat distracted. He looks at me with his devilish smile. I know just what that smile means.
"And your mother- How is your mother?" She asks. She has no reason to ask. They all know my mother is a lion. She is a vicious animal that most cannot be tamed. Luckily she stays busy at the hospital, keeping everyone safe.
"You know mom…" I mutter as I draw in a breath. "She is just- She is really busy." I say as if everyone doesn't know. My aunt Claire knows my mother far too well. In fact, the family almost hates her.
"That's good." Aunt Claire says with a fake smile. The truth is, she asked out of necessity and nothing else. "Well, you should2 0go see everyone else. I know Mark and Derek were waiting for you. Apparently you offer them some sort of entertainment. I have to admit, that makes the rest of us very happy."
Okay." I say with a nod.
I can't help but chuckle. Entertainment. If she only know what kind of entertainment I was providing. Not for her son. I would never do any of that with her son. Now Derek, he is free game. We will just stick to the fact that Derek lacks for nothing in the sexual department. I keep him very happy. I can definitely say he returns the favor quite well with the magic tongue of his. It almost sends me into orgasms as soon as he licks my clit.
"Hey, Mer." Derek says as I step forward. I draw in a breath. He still looks as amazing as ever. The man Is a good. He obtains that nice rock hard chest and sparkling blue eyes. He is perfection in my own green ones.
"How are you?" I ask as I hug him gently. Apparently I am in a hugging mood. By his stiff reaction, I would say he is as shocked as I am.
"I'm great." He says as he softens and leans into me gently. It feels like heaven against him. I'm so safe and at ease. His hard chest providing the security I need. His perfect scents fills my nostrils in an aromatic pleasure. "You smell good." He mutters as he breathes me in.
"As do you." I agree as I draw in a breath. At this moment, I struggle not to add in something dirty, although I want to so badly.
"I bet your pussy smells even sweeter." He breathes into my ear. I feel his hot breath grazing my lobe as a smile plays upon my lips. I knew dirty would come out of the man. I just knew it.
"I bet it's really wet, too. Just for you." I tell him with a giggle. I quickly pull away, knowing our hug has lasting far too long. Now it is time for the challenge. We need to get away. I am like a mare in heat, and Derek is the young, unseasoned stallion. He has been around, I am sure of that, but something about me makes him unable to control himself. And that, I like that very much!