What The?
Chapter 8
A/N- I know, I know. I'm late posting this. AUGH! Not again! Of course, this time it was kinda comp. trouble. Anyhow, I'll make it my New Year's Resolution to update on time. Really! Wow, this is my longest story yet. Eight whole chapters. Yay! Everyone cheer for me! Well, thanks to all my reviewers! The HP section is about 1000 times bigger. Seriously. I calculated. Enough to crush your spirit, huh? Yes, YW is clearly better. Well, whatcha gonna do?
Newsflash: Guess what? I PASSED MY DRIVER'S EXAM! YAY! And I'm seventeen… it's pathetic that I'm this happy…
UPDATE: AND A NEW CAR!!! WOOO TO MY 2005 Cavalier. MY BRIGHT RED BABY…
This will be the last of the Author's Notes today… I promise, but it is the most important:
Anyone who reviews this chapter gets the first strip of the comic version of What The? if they put their e-mail address in the review. It's kinda crappy 'cause I'm not an artist and I used Paint, but I hope you guys find it amusing. It's like a cross between the YW characters made of legos, a bad web comic and crack! I just hope it's an effective review incentive. And that maybe somebody with better art skills will start a YW comic. That'd be awesome… Well, anyways, ENJOY!
Makeover Madness (Hmm… does this seems familiar? Not quite…)
CAT: Ya know, there's only one problem with the YW series. And it's been called to my attention pretty recently.
Diane Duane: Oh really? What is it, Miss Perfect? You wanna try to write eight better books?
CAT: -blinks- Would I like to? Hell yeah!
DD: Whatever. What's the problem?
CAT: -ahem- As much as I love Nita and Kit—
Nita: Eep! I'm not like that!
CAT: Shut up. There is absolutely no way that they are doing Kepler's Laws of Friggin' Planetary Motion when they're 12. Trust me. Even with a manual. And Dairine's enormous brain. GAH! I couldn't even do it well at first in Physics class!!!!!! And I'm a Senior! Of course, our teacher's not exactly qualified since the only Physics teacher in forever retired at the beginning of this year and this one's really an algebra teacher…
Dairine: Haha! I'm smarter than you.
CAT: I'll kill you if you say that again, foo. Really. I will. I will say, however, that the YW books guaranteed I got two of the questions right on the test. OK, it wasn't that hard, but c'mon…12????
Nita: Err… I hate to interrupt your rant, but Diane Duane's trying to leave.
DD: As much as I'd –ahem- like to stay, I gotta go finish the eighth book. Enjoy your vacation while you can.
Dairine: I don't like the sound of that…. at all.
DD: And girls--? Make sure to make the boys end up really pretty. I'll be watching!
Well, I'm off! –transports-
Dairine: HEY! How come she can leave? That's sooooo not cool.
CAT: Because she is my idol and your creator and she can do whatever she wants. Understand????
Dairine: -gulp- Yes, ma'am!
Nita: -ahem- Yes, but I believe there are more pressing matters to attend to. Namely, the group of passed-out boys over there.
CAT: True. I shall step aside and pretend to know nothing of the events that transpire.
Dairine: Ya know, I always thought that Roshaun would look good as another kind of royalty.
Nita: Ohhh, what kind of diabolicalness do you have in mind?
Dairine: I was thinking of going with a nice Disney motif….
CAT: Ask and ye shall receive. Peer into ye trunk o' doom.
Carmela: And he has such pretty hair to style… He's like the male cross-dressing alien king Barbie I always wanted!
Dairine: You were a pretty demented child, weren't you?
Carmela: What are you talking about? I never dressed Kit's G.I. Joes up in Barbie's evening gown. Never… And he certainly didn't cry about it.
Nita: I am intrigued. Tell me more.
Dairine: Should I go with Cinderella or Aurora? Oh, or Tinkerbell…. Let's see here.
-Dairine opens the trunk-
Dairine: My lord, I've hit the motherload.
Carmela: It's like my dreams come true…
Nita: It's like a torture chamber for men.
Hermione: What the hell is that?
Carmela: OTHERSPACE!
Dairine: Sometimes it disturbs me how much you know.
Hermione: Again, why the hell don't I know about this?
Carmela: Hmmm… how shall I put this? Because your magical community sucks. You don't even understand why your magic works. Or write your own spells. And you don't have to take an Oath. Yup, it sucks.
Hermione: …
Nita: Wasn't that a tad harsh, 'Mela?
Carmela: -shrugs- First you point out their faults, then they will begin to follow me, and I will end up their Queen. Don't worry, Hermione. You can be my second-in-command. I'll teach you everything I know and we will rule.
Hermione: You are my idol.
Nita: And she wonders why the Powers don't trust her with magic…
Dairine: Put your dreams of world domination on hold for a while, 'Mela. You seem to be forgetting that there's a pocket of Otherspace that resembles a dressing room with anything we could ever wish for. Ever.
Carmela: You're right. My priorities slipped away from me for a moment. Now… what shall I do to Roshaun's pretty, pretty hair?
Dairine: muttering I'm not sure I trust you alone in a room with him. He is a king, after all, and with your power issues….
Carmela: Do I sense suspicion? Please. I don't seduce friends' love interests. Even if they do rule a whole planet. –drools-
Dairine: He's not my love interest!!!
Carmela: Then you won't mind if I'm the one to change him from these robes to the dress. It looks like he has a nice body and I'm curious about his race's--
Dairine: HEY! B-but… we can just change him by magic.
Carmela: But what fun is there in that for us?
Dairine: -blushes- Wha???? I'm not snooping in his personal—I mean to say—I—
Nita: Congratulations. You actually made her blush. That's, like, impossible. She must really like Roshaun… normally she'd jump at the chance to play mean tricks or get black mail pics…
Dairine: I DON'T LIKE HIM!
Carmela: What can I say? I do what I do well. Ah, sweet manipulation…
Dairine: HE'S A COCKY, ARROGANT—
Nita: Male version of you?
Hermione: Hottie?
Carmela: King?
Dairine: I—ummm… am just going to drop the subject and get on with the opportunity for torture that has presented itself.
Nita: She doesn't even seem excited about torture. Damn. She must really have the hots—
Dairine: I DON'T HAVE THE HOTS FOR ANYONE!
Nita: Ahh, I love being a big sister. Say, Dari, maybe we should just leave you alone with him while we tend to the others.
Dairine: NIIIITAAAA!!!! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT---
Carmela: Speaking of sisterly love, I've been neglecting poor Kit completely. Ah, the possibilities that have presented themselves…
Nita: This is true. Maybe we should make him into the G.I. Joe you tortured him with…
Carmela: I thought about that, but I've devised a very special punishment for him. The tear factor will be even higher. Trust me.
Nita: I can't wait until they wake up…
All three: laugh evilly
--A/N- The following scene has been cut out due to the violent and emotionally disturbing contents. Please busy yourself with a mental image of a kitten with really big eyes playing with a ball of string.--
-About one hour later-
Ronan: -yawn- What the hell happened… to… you guys????? Hahaha! You guys look like total fairies!
Kit: I wouldn't talk about fairies, Irish boy. Look down.
Ronan: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!! I LOOK SO…AUGH!!! CRUEL, CRUEL FATE! CURSE YOU ALL!
Roshaun: -snickers- But you look so very pretty.
Ronan: Yeah, but you're not much better, Tink.
Roshaun: Tink? I know not of the allusion. I would, however, like to know why I am wearing a pair of fake wings and women's garb.
Kit: It's odd how much he looks like her with his hair like that.
Roshaun: I resent the implications of that. And what is the cultural allusion in Kit's costume?
Kit: looks down I'M GONNA KILL HER!!!!! rips off his blonde wig
Ronan: -hyperventilates laughing-
Kit: First of all, none of those cartoons have Hispanic people (A/N- It's true.)! And second of all, I'M A GUY!!!!! THIS WAS ALL CARMELA! That cos-playing bitc--
Roshaun: Being a guy is only your second point? And I still don't get what's so relevant about Kit's costume. I'd say being a fairy is much worse.
Ronan: Errr… Kit has a schoolgirl uniform. Catholic or Japanese… whatever you want. It's still pretty gay. And waaaayyy too short. Egads, man. Have you no dignity?
Kit: TAKE IT BACK, YOU CROSS-DRESSING DOMINATRIX! I never want to see that much leather on an Irishman ever again. Ever.
Ronan: I'm not an effing dominatrix!!!! I'm clearly Paine from Final Fantasy X-2(see bottom) And seeing that on an American is worse!!!
Kit: HAHA! Video game freak! You're probably turned on!
Ronan: Yeah, well you've ruined the whole schoolgirl thing for all of us in the room.
Roshaun: I'm getting an awful headache from you two arguing like women.
Kit: Waaaa???? STUCK-UP LEGOLAS-WANNABE!
Ronan: Yeah, you fan-girl magnet!
Roshaun: … I was under the impression that being able to get a lot of girls was a good thing on Earth.
Ronan: …errr…
Kit: DON'T YOU DARE START CHEATING ON DAIRINE, GOT IT? She's like the other evil little sister I never had…
Roshaun: Cheat?? How can I cheat on her when she obviously has no interest in anything about me but correcting me and being smug and frank and…
Ronan: I think he's saying it's hot.
Roshaun: Don't place words in my mouth, commoner.
Ronan: Meh… you hear that all the time when you're Irish. One potato famine and the Yanks think you're country is still full of poor people.
-Harry and Ron wake up-
Both: -blink-
Ron: HAHA! You sick cross-dressing freaks!
Harry: -shudders- And I used to think the Hogwarts uniforms were sexy….
Roshaun: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that they were also targeted.
Kit: Bingo.
Harry: What are you talking about? These are our school robes!
Kit, Roshaun, and Ronan: -blink- O.o WTF????
Kit: Roshaun's robes are less girly than yours.
Roshaun: Hey!
Ronan: Pansies! And you call us cross-dressers? No wonder so many of your fans pair you together! At least ours don't go for SLASH.
CAT: Damn straight!
Kit: It's… her.
Ronan: BROTHERS, UNITE AGAINST THE WITCH! BURN HER!
CAT: Non, ma cherie. Tais-toi. I have something to show you.
Nita: YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!!!
CAT: No, actually I won't. That's the beauty. You should know that everything has a price. My price for giving you the Otherspace closet is this.
Kit: I KNEW SHE WAS BEHIND THIS! WHY MUST YOU MEDDLE ALL THE TIME???
CAT: Trust me, you'll like the surprise I have for you. I now reveal to you…. The girls transformed!
Carmela: I hate you and your plays on words.
-The girls appear literally forced out by a magical force-
Kit, Roshaun, Harry, Ron, and Ronan: -drool-
Dairine: I hate you so much, author woman.
VG: Get on with the damned introductions.
Kit, Roshaun, Harry, Ron, and Ronan: -drool-
Carmela:I'mSailorVenusandnocomments,please.JustbecauseIlikeAnimedoesn'tmeanIlikethisshow.I'mliterallyinpain.
Ronan: -wink- I'm not in pain.
Kit: Dammit, don't hit on my sister!
Ronan: You gotta admit she's hot.
Kit: UGH! Don't make me think of that!!!!!
Carmela: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP! I'M COWERING IN SHAME RIGHT NOW!
CAT: NEXT!
Dairine:I'mSailorEffingMiniMoonandI'llNeverBeAbleToGetThisPinkHairDyeOutOrForgiveTheAuthor.
Roshaun: That skirt is very short… -drools-
Kit: Ok, Prince Obvious.
Roshuan: King. It's King Obvious now.
AMS: Say… does your planet have any tabloids, Roshaun?
Roshaun: Tabloid???
AMS: Dammit. I coulda made a lot of money selling pictures of him like this to them…
Ginny: I'm Sailor Mars and I'm not ashamed. Look at me! I've grown up around boys all my life! Appreciate my beauty!!!
Ron: AUGH! GINNY, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, YOU…YOU… SCARLET WOMAN!
Ginny: Awww, shut up you prude.
Harry: Yes. Definitely shut up. You're ruining it for the rest of us.
Ron: HARRY! DON'T OGLE MY BLOODY SISTER!
Hermione: -ahem- I'mSailorMercury'CauseI'mHella-Smart. Worship the academic goddess.
Ron and Harry: -drool-
Dairine: HOW COME I HAVE TO BE MINI-MOON????? DAMN IT, I'M THE SMARTEST!!! I COULD KICK HERMIONE'S INTELLECTUAL AND PHYSICAL ASS!
Nita: -evilly- I'm Sailor Moon and in the name of the people who read this and my dignity, I SHALL PUNISH YOU!
CAT: You wish.
Ronan: You're a hot blonde, Nita.
Kit: Screw entropy. I will kill you if you leer at Nita. Really. I will.
Dairine: You'll all pay. I HAVE PICTURES OF YOU ALL DRESSED UP AS GIRLS!
CAT: Speaking of threats, cross-dressing, and black-mail, that brings us to our next segment…
My teen wizard's out of control/ Who's yo' real daddy/ My son/daughter dresses like/is a ho
-Or-
Jerry Springer, YW style.
Jerry: Welcome to the show, all. Today we'll be talking about the devastating effects of wizardry on the young mind. Our first guests are Nita and Dairine Callahan and their father. Come on out, you three.
Mr. Callahan: -looks at his daughters- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN SUCH SHORT SKIRTS???
Dairine: Do you really think I want to be in one?
Nita: Yeah! We were forced to by the author of this fanfiction!
Mr. Callahan: Is this a common side-effect on wizardry? INSANITY?
Jerry: I understand that you've been worried about Nita and Kit dating.
Mr. Callahan: Please God, don't let this be a preg—
Nita: DAAAAAD! AND WE'RE NOT DATING!
Mr. Callahan: Yes, I'm worried…
Jerry: Come on out, Kit!
Kit: -backstage- No way in hell.
-Kit gets "escorted" onto stage by the burly body guards, fighting all the way in the schoolgirl outfit-
Mr. Callahan: Kit, I swear, if you ever come near my daughter now that I have this image of you in my head, you will pay.
Audience Member1: Hit him with the folding chair.
Jerry: Yes, apparently Kit is a cross-dresser in his spare time.
Kit: I AM NOT! I was forced! CARMELA DID THIS TO ME!!!
Jerry: And if that's not bad enough, he's also bullied by his sister.
Kit: HEY! I was passed out at the time!
Jerry: And he's also an alcoholic.
Mr. Callahan: LET ME AT 'IM! –tries to grab a chair but is held back by Burly Guards-
Jerry: And Mr. Callahan? We have a surprise guest. Everyone give a big welcome to the Lone Power!
Audience Member 2- That man stole my goat!
Lone Power: Eh?
Jerry: Don't mind them, we get a lot of crazies in the audience.
Mr. Callahan: What does this have to do with my daughters? Dairine, if you even—
Dairine: No, dad. –shudders- I am not interested in him.
Lone Power: Good! I have an announcement to make to you and Nita. Luke-- I mean… Girls… I am your father.
Mr. Callahan: WHA??? -tries to grab chair again, only to be stopped…again- I'LL KILL 'IM!
Lone Power: I created death! You can't kill me! Besides, look at the resemblance. We both have red hair and short tempers. And I did date your mom for a while. Come give your new daddy a group huggles, girls!
Nita and Dairine: -blink-
Mr. Callahan: -vein bulges on forehead- Oh no you didn't!
Lone Power: Actually, I did. I was playing the villain in Swan Lake and she looked hell-hot in that leotard. One thing led to another and—
Mr. Callahan: -BLEEEEEP- -Outmaneuvers the burly guard and starts to beat the crap out of the Lone Power-
Jerry: Hm. Anyways, our next guest in Harry Potter. Harry, come on out.
Harry: Errr.. aren't those two kinda killing each other?
Jerry: That's how we get all our ratings. So Harry, how would you feel if I told you your mother was still alive?
Harry: -eyes light up- REALLY?? MOMMY!
Jerry: Haha… not really.
Harry: -breaks down into sobs-
Jerry: But your dad is.
Harry: -sniff- Is this another cruel joke?
Jerry: Nope… but we're not sure who it is.
Harry: WHA???
Jerry: Come on out, contestants!
-Wormtail, James (ghost-version), Severus, Sirius (ghost-version), Voldemort, and Lupin come out.-
James: What the…?
Lupin: Dude, Lily was the only girl in our circle.
James: -sniffs- So you mean you all could be Harry's dad???
All: Yup.
Jerry: I'll just cut to the chase: Harry, your dad is Wormtail.
James: NOOOO!!! WHY, LILY? WHY?
Wormtail: 'Cause I'm a sexy beast!
James: -grabs chair and starts to beat Wormtail.-
Harry: -shudders- Mental breakdown… coming… -collapses to floor-
Mr. Callahan: BOOYAH! HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? –hits Lone Power repeatedly with chair-
Nita: Daaad… maybe it's not a good idea to beat the crap outta Death…
Mr. Callahan: He's death too??? Then he stole her from me too! YOU'LL PAY!!
Lone Power: Actually, now she's dating the Transcendent Pig.
Mr. Callahan: Heeeeeeere, piggy piggy piggy. Papa's in the mood for bacon!
All: -blink-
Nita: Wow, you just made our dad go crazy…
Lone Power: Dammit, I'M your dad!
Nita: Then fork over the child support.
Lone Power: Errrr… I have a prior engagement that I've plum forgotten about. I must be going. –runs away-
Jerry: That brings us to my final thought. You know, the events of today just show that violence doesn't solve anything. And I've realized just how much danger my job puts me in. I can take enraged Canadian hermaphrodite midget strippers, but wizards? Hell no. I'm going to Cincinnati to start a liberal radio show. It's less dangerous to be liberal in The red state than to be here. Peace. I'm out.
CAT: Bwahahahahahaha! You do realize you just made JERRY SPRINGER run away, don't you?
Kit: I'll do anything you want if I can just get out of this –bleeeeeeeep-ing costume! Please! –sniff-
CAT: Hmmm… let me think about that. Ok. Done. No. I like making you cry. A lot.
Trust me, next chapter will make this look weak in comparison.
Kit: … AUGH!
A/N- Wow… dementia! Remember, review with your e-mail if you want the comic! I promise no spam! I think I might do the date next chapter… -grins evilly- Not sure what else, but Celebrity Deathmatch will come back. Oh, and as far as disclaimer, I've forgotten about them, but I don't own YW or anything else… it applies to the comic too… ANYWAYS, I'm gonna try to update more often!!! Promise! Hmmm.. maybe I shouldn't say promise… it didn't work before . Resolution? No, that'd be doomed to failure… Ah! I give up! I'll just try, ok? Periwinkle Box, take it away.
Periwinkle Box: -sniff- It's been soo long since I've been outside the dusty archive. Please, help me! Review… I'll make sure she doesn't get any Splenda! Anything you want… Just click me before she stores me again. Please?