I try to sleep but I can't. All that keeps going through my mind is what I just told Derek. I made myself completely vulnerable to him. I have exposed everything. There is no other secret in my life that is darker. There is nothing more that is hidden. It's all right there. If he so chooses, he can shoot me down, and I may never get up. This is why I lay here awake. I have to.
I still can't believe that I am in a store. I am sleeping in a store. The common sense part of it all is that we could call for help. I guess it was one of those moments that you think will never happen and when it does, you just say what the hell, this will be fun. I stare at the aisles of merchandise but never move my head. I am hoping Derek thinks that I am asleep.
"Mer?" Derek finally says after an eternity of complete eerie silence. I don't breathe. I don't move. I don't want him to know that I am awake because I can't face up to him. I can't answer questions. I hear him let out a breath and roll over. I'm safe.
The biggest fear I have is that he will feel pity for me. I don't want him to tell me everything I already know. I don't need him explaining how it's not my fault. He doesn't need to point out that people can be evil. I don't need to hear about how it will all be okay, I just need some time. I don't need to hear any of this. I don't want to.
I wake up after a restless night of sleep. I tossed and turned, half expecting someone to jump up from behind and scare us to death. Fortunately I have an amazing internal clock and I can pretty much program myself to awake at the hour I wish. This comes in handy; I can only imagine what would happen if someone walked in and saw us sleeping there in the middle of the store.
"Derek." I say as I roll over on my bed and look at him. He doesn't say anything and I wait for him to jump up like I would. "Derek!" I say again a little louder this time. He needs to wake up right now and I want him to know it. According to the hours, it opened at ten in the morning and it was eight.
"Hmm...Mmm." I hear him moan as he rolls over and faces me. I can't help but giggle softly, wondering how he slept at all. "What time is it?" He asks as he looks around.
"Time to get a watch." I tell him quickly as I look in his eyes. He rolls his eyes and waits for my answer. "It's eight. They open in two hours. We need to figure out a game plan." I explain as I climb off of my chair and stretch my arms and legs.
"I say we put this stuff away and climb back in the pop house." He suggests as he looks around. I really can't think of any other plan. At least we could hide in there until they opened and then climb out without being seen. It isn't like we can wait at the door for someone to come in.
"I think that is about the best idea out there." I say with a nod as I look at it. "But then again, climbing out in the center aisle may not be the best idea. I say we hang out in the back where they have the lumber and the doors." I tell him, not wanting to get caught.
"That could work." Derek agrees. "We could almost hide behind those doors back there. I'm sure most everyone who comes in will be right here." He agrees as he begins to fold up his sleeping bag and put it into it's original packaging. "These things never go back in the way they were, do they?"
"No, I guess they don't." I agreeing, knowing that mine was the exact same way. I really don't care too much about it. I did the best I could and that was all the effort I put into it.
"We really should get going, Mer. I bet they come in here early." Derek says as he grabs up all of his stuff and begins walking to the sporting goods department. I grab up my own and follow his lead.
Derek and I made sure we put everything back where we found it. We found the perfect nook to hide in by the exterior doors, making our way between several of them. Truly we didn't need to hide. We could have just explained it all, but neither of us wanted to go through all of the trouble. As we waited, we couldn't believe how long it was until people started coming in.
"I think it's safe." I tell Derek as I peer out, seeing a few customers walking around. "Let's get out of here."
"Yeah, I think it's safe by now." He agrees as he takes the lead and climbs out of the doors. "Do you need to get your stuff?" He asks as walks towards the horse items. Truthfully I just want to get out, but at the same time, it would look less suspicious.
"Yeah. I guess we can." I tell him with a nod as we walk down the aisle. I quickly grab my items and make my way to the closest checkout that is located away from the main entrance.
"How are you today?" The cashier asks as she scans my items. It takes everything I have to not bust out into laughter.
"I'm good." I lie as I hand her the cash needed to pay for my goods. I'm not good. I'm not bad. For now, I am in a neutral zone. That is until Derek opens his mouth. And I don't want to talk about it.
"That was so close." Derek tells me as we walk towards his car. I have to admit, the car makes me wet. Wet for it. Wet for the driver. Just plain wet. It's sexy as hell.
"Too close." I agree as I hear the door locks open in his car. I wait a minute and then open the door. I sigh as I let my body sink into the red and black leather seats. I am sure with this much power, this beast is hard to drive in the winter. I also have a sinking feeling that Derek doesn't much care, seeing as he does look good going down the road.
Derek and I remain silent. I let my eyes wander over to him occasionally and I can tell that he wants to talk about last night. I don't want to. I completely regret telling him anything. I wish I had kept my mouth shut and my secrets to myself. The worst part of it all is the pity. I can't stand the pity that he will give me. He shouldn't feel sorry. It's a fact of life. Bad things happen to people and they can either overcome or get flushed down the river.
"I want sex." I blurt out. I am not a blurter. Nearly everything I ever say is thought out. I always weigh reactions in my head before I even attempt to bring something up. Just now was a subject change. Once again, I don't regret it, it was needed.
"Okay..." Derek says, caught off guard. He was getting ready to say something and I just rocked his whole mental pre-conversation pep-talk. I knew and I changed it. I win.
"I need to go feed the horses. We will say that we went to the barn extra early. We can throw breakfast in there too if we need to. Either way, I want sex at the barn. Are you game?" I ask him. As if I really need to ask him. I'm sure he is always game. Every twenty-some year old guy is game for whatever you bring down on him.
"Of course I am." He says with a smirk as he drives. I begin spitting directions to the barn. I always seem to forget that he has no idea where he is going. I talk about tiny insignificant things as he drives along. Anything to avoid the huge subject matter that is hanging over my head and trying to smash me down.
"You give them hay." I tell him as we walk through the cold air. I know Derek knows how to give them hay, seeing as he has been doing it for years now. I can't believe he has been coming back. I always thought it would be that one time, but every time he returns.
"Not a problem." Derek says as he fills up the wheelbarrow. "How much?" He questions as he measures out how many flakes are there for the amount of horses that reside.
"Three each. They are staying in today." I point out as I think about the cold crisp air outside and the windchill. I rush through the grain and water, wanting what I asked for. When I said it, I wasn't wanting it bad, but now I am wet and craving it.
"All done." Derek tells me as he closes the hay room door and walks towards me. I have to smirk at the boy. I just have to.
"Not quite." I tell him as I shove him up against the wall. I guess I will take the lead, seeing as this was all my idea.
"Wow, Mer... Way to take control." He says as he lets me go about my business. I hastily play with his jeans wanting them off as soon as possible. As soon as I get them down, I see his hard cock poke out of his boxers. "Someone wants to play." He says as he begins to tug on my jeans. "And as much as I like you in control, it has to be me." He says as he spins me around and places my ass against the wall. "I think you need to get out of your pants." He says as he looks into my eyes.
"Um, yeah. I think so." I agree as I look into his eyes. He wants this as much as I do, if not more. "Let's fuck." I say as I let everything fall to the barn aisle floor and put my hands around his back.
"Let's fuck." He agrees as he runs his hands over my ass, resting on my thighs, pulling my legs up and around him. "I bet your little pussy is so tight." He tells me with a smile as he looks into my eyes.
"Tight for you, Derek." I tell him with a nod. "And I want your thick cock now. Give it to me now." I tell him as I close my eyes and wait for his hasty penetration. "Come on!"
"You asked for it." He warns as he rams his cock into my clitoris. I moan at the sensation of his velvety head rubbing against my ultra-sensitive area. "You are getting it!" He says as I feel his cock run through my tiny opening. I pant softly as I spread my legs more readily for him.
"Oh god, Derek! Oh god!" I moan as I feel him running deep through my wet hot folds.
"You like that?" He asks as he rams me quickly over and over again. It feels like perfection. It feels like we were made for each other. It doesn't take long with Derek. Less time than with any other man. Derek's cock has a way of tasting my sweet spot.
"Oh god, yes. Yes! Yes! Yes!" I pant as I feel him pulsating as the blood fills the chambers. I moan as I feel myself close. One of the horses is breathing hot air on my bare back as I let Derek push me with force.
"Oh baby! There is is. Fuck yes. There it is!" I hear him grunt as I let out tiny squeals, his cock rubbing against my g-spot sending me into spasms. "I'm gonna blow." He warns me as he fills my contracting vagina with his sticky wet cum.
"Oh..." I sigh as I lay back against the wall. That is how we have fun at the barn.
I'm getting attached to Derek. Unfortunately this happens to me. I get attached to people and can't shake them. Or more, they can't shake me. I wouldn't say I hang on them. Heck, they probably don't even know how much I depend on them. Anyhow, this is what is happening with Derek. I am attached to him, and now he is leaving.
I was in a funk. Since I told Derek about my past, I have been in a funk. I almost feel as if I have sabotaged myself and the time I could have had with him. I wanted to bask in every moment as if it was our last. That would have made me so happy. Yet, I was a fool. I acted hard, like I didn't care. That's not me. Not even close.
"Are you okay, Mer?" Mark asks as I drive down the road. Apparently they need ice to take their recent Christmas spoils home with them. It's freezing cold out, and they need ice. Go figure.
"I'm fine." I mutter as I look at him. I only look for a second, fearing that he will see the truth. He doesn't need to know that I am not fine. Not even close.
"Sure you are." Mark mutters as he looks out the window. I guess he is ready to drop it, knowing that I won't crack. I never do. Well, I guess I shouldn't say never, seeing as I have. I did with Derek. "Are you and Derek fighting?" He asks. I look at him in shock. I can't believe he would ask if Derek and I are fighting. As if it's his business.
"No. Derek and I are fine. We're just friends, you know." I tell him frankly. As if friends can't fight. My statement doesn't even make sense. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself.
"Just friends.... Yeah, I know you are just friends." He says with a chuckle as he looks at me. This time, I avoid his gaze pretending it's not even there. I don't want to go further into whatever it is that Derek and I have going on.
"Go get the ice." I say as I pull in front of the gas station. Mark climbs out of my Jeep in silence and walks into the gas station. I sigh, feeling a heavy weight on my shoulders. It's stress. It's emotion. It is everything I am feeling, balled up in a huge mess.
I'm not sure what Derek and I have. I can't be a fool. I can't love him when I don't love him. I can't pretend I don't love him, when I love him so deeply. Do I love him deeply? I wonder. I'm so unsure. I have never felt these things before. This is all new to me. I cant love Derek. The whole point of Derek was sex. That was all it ever was. I don't need to have fits over this. He is just sex, nothing more.
"Got it." Mark says as he tosses the big bag of ice in the back of my car. I watch as he sits down in the passenger seat and shuts the door. I don't have music on. Somehow I realize this, and yet I do not. I always have music on but right now, my mind is gone. "You are not fine. This is almost laughable." Mark says as I drive along. I chose to ignore his comment for the greater good.
"I'm tired." I moan, more out of habit than actual fact. Generally when I am in the middle of school, I am exhausted.
"Take a nap." Mark says simply as we near the house. I hate it when people say things like that. As if that isn't the obvious answer. What's more, do they think I am so stupid that I don't realize this myself?
"Yeah. Maybe I will." I say, going along with my false statement that I had made earlier. "You grab the ice, okay?" I ask as I pull my keys out of the ignition and open my door. I don't feel like grabbing that bag of ice when it is only fifteen degrees out.
"Are the bags in the car?" I hear my aunt yell to Derek. I sigh as I listen for him to answer. Soon enough, there will be no answers. I will hear no more of Derek's voice. This makes me sad, strangely enough.
"Yes. We're just waiting for Meredith and Mark to bring the ice back." He points out as he walks. He rounds the corner and nearly knocks me down. "And here they are." He adds as he grabs the ice from Mark's hands.
"That's freaking cold!" Mark points out as he happily releases the ice into Derek's hands.
"What a whiner." Derek says as he winks at me and walks away. I feel my heart sink. It was never this bad before. Now everything that Derek does, I see as our last. I don't even care about sex right now. If that isn't strange, I don't know what is.
"You guys should go. If you get out of here now, you will miss the rush hour." My aunt points out as she looks at the clock.
"All we have to do is pour the ice." Derek tells her as he pours it into the cooler, a loud avalanche sound pouring out of the plastic box. Derek and Mark do a last minute check of everything and say their goodbyes to the family.
"Bye, Mer." Mark says as he gives me a quick hug and climbs into the car. I sigh as I watch him leave. These are my good friends and it feels like they are abandoning me.
"So..." Derek says as he looks into my eyes. I look deeply back into his and smile. It's a fake smile to cover the pain I am feeling at the moment. "I guess.... I will... I will see you later." Derek tells me with a smile.
"Yeah. I'll see you later." I tell him with a nod. There is so much I want to say. I'm scared. Way too scared.
"Well.... Bye." Derek mutters as he gives me a quick hug and walks away. "Mer- Nevermind." He says quickly. I look into his eyes as he climbs into the car. "See ya." He mouths. There was more. So much more. He had something to say. And me. Damn me. I can't believe it. I, Meredith Grey am in love. I'm in love with Derek Shepherd.