What The...?

Chapter Grape Juice Falafel

Dairine: -off-key and weepy- All by myseeelf! Don't wanna be...all by myseeeelf anymoooree.

Nita: Huh? What's with the melodrama?

Dairine: Melodrama? Like you can talk! You and Kit always come out of your adventures unscathed. On the first real assignment I have with Roshaun as my partner, he gets fried like bacon!! I mean, what the hell?

Nita: ...Err... you mean the Roshaun that's been here for the last few chapters, alive and well and all Tinkerbell-y?

Dairine: Yeah... but that's beside the point. In non-crazy-author time, he really is missing. For that matter, I haven't seen him around here lately... Do you think it's finally caught up with him? Everyone, scatter and look for a Roshaun-shaped lump of dust!

Nita: We all haven't been around lately. I seem to remember being trapped for months in a dusty save file. Roshaun's probably still working off the claustrophobia.

Carmela: Huh? Tall, Blonde, and Bishy's gone missing? Legolas fans everywhere will despair and riot!

Nita: Uh. how would anyone else know about him? We always use a disguise spell on him, even if he is humanoid.

Carmela: -tries to look innocent- Uhh, I have no idea. At all. It certainly wouldn't be possible that I took picture of Roshaun on the beach, photoshopped some leather tights and a bow on him, and posted it on all the Lord of the Rings fanboards in all the galaxy. Nope...

Kit: Ugh! Mental image, not pretty. Uncontrollable retching coming on...

Dairine: -finds a dust bunny under a couch- Nooooo! Alas, poor Roshaun! I knew him well.

Nita: I don't think--

Dairine: -to dust bunny- I swear to avenge your supposed death!!!

Ronan: I almost died, too, you know. Carmela, did you grieve like that for me when I got shish-ka-bobbed?(1)

Carmela: -throws a handy pink girl magazine at his head- Fat chance, Irish and Angsty.

Ronan: Aww... I think I'll go pity myself in a corner now. Dairine, can I borrow your CD player?

Dairine: ...Sure, but I borrowed the CD from Carme--
Carmela: CARMEN! Yeah, she, uh, got it from winning 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego'! Isn't that right, Dairine??

Nita: I thought that show ended in the 90's...?

Dairine: Yes, Carmela. That's exactly right. If anyone thinks it's the mixed CD you listened to non-stop while Ronan was recovering, they'd be totally wrong.

Carmela: Why you little--! -strangles Dairine-

Ronan: I knew somone in this dark, cruel, twisty world loved me! Let's see here... what other songs are on this? -presses next button-

CD player: I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me!

-awkward silence-

Ronan: Heh... next!

CD player: Am I... your fire? Your one... desire? 'Cause I want it that way. Tell me why--

Kit: Ewewww! Not the 98 In Sync Street Boys! My ears!

Ronan: Right. Next!

Cd Player: Since you been gone! I can't breathe for the first time! Yeah, yeah! Whenever, whereever, We're meant to be together. I'll be there and you'll be-- 'cause you said forever, and ever. Who knew--

Dairine: -sniffles and cuddles the dust bunny-

Nita: Stop it! The music is hypnotizing! -sniff- I'm falling victim to it!

Carmela: I swear, I was just holding it for a friend!

Ronan: I can't stop it! It has a mind of its own!

CD Player: Listen to your heart, when he's calling for you-- Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes-- The internet is for porn!

Everyone: O.o

Carmela: -ahem- So I like Avenue Q!

CD Player: Time after time-- I loove you, I honestly love you--

Kit: My ears! Masculinity: shrinking, shrinking, gone!

CD Player: Near, far wherever you are--- my heart will go ooooooooon. Error 666- Celine Dion music. Now activating self-destruct sequence... All entities should move to at least 50 miles away and take cover. Nuclear bomb detonating in 20... 19...

Carmela: What kind of self-respecting countdown starts at 20?

CD Player: Shut up. You listen to Celine Dion, flesh bag. 18...

Carmela: I kill you! -tries to zap the CD player with her curling iron, only to have a pathetic little particle accelerator beam shoot out, then fizzle away- Damn it! I knew I needed to charge it!

Kit: Crap! We're gonna die! CAT still has our powers sealed off!

CD Player: 16...

Ronan: I'm too young... I only got to make-out with 33 percent of the main girl characters in the series! I was going for 66 percent with Carmela! -sobs-

Kit: Stupid Ronan... First my partner, then my sister, huh?

Dairine: Dust bunny- errr, I mean Roshaun-- I'm coming to join you soon! Goodbye, cruel world!

CAT: Suddenly, a mystery man with tights and super spiky hair that stands two feet taller than his head appears, breaking a person-shaped hole in the wall.

Ronan: She can still announce things we can all see for ourselves, but she won't help us? Evil wench...

CAT: Watch it.

Nita: Ugh... I have the feeling we're going to have to fix that wall...

Kit: Neets, if our luck has finally run and we're about to be massacred like a chicken that happens to wander into KFC, I want you to know that I lo--

Mystery man: Not so FAST! Don't despair, earthlings, for I have come to save you from certain doo--

Dairine: Uh, no offense, but right now we need less superhero introduction speech and more superhero rescuing, mystery man.

Cd Player: 13...

Mystery Man: You can't interrupt me! I'm in the middle of my battle speech!

Dairine: Whatever! you have 13 seconds to finish it and deactivate the nuclear missile before we all die!

Mystery Man: But I spent all my training learning how to make dramatic entrances and super big hair spikes. Well, that and screaming out ridiculous names for my moves before I use them, but--

CD Player: 8...

Dairine: Just use one then, you big-haired bimbo!

Mystery Man: -sulkily- Fine, I'll skip ahead. I am Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku and I shall punish you!

Carmela: You're mixing your anime...

Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku: -lips moving out of sync with his speaking- You shall be defeated, my evil nemesis! Reeeeaaaalllllly... Biiiiiiiiiiiiggggg...

CD Player: 5...

Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku: Beaaaaaaaaaaaam...

Carmela: Don't you think he looks kinda constipated when he makes that face?

CD player: 3...

Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku: oooooffffff...

Dairine: Wait a second... 'Roshaunoku'? Is that you, Roshaun???? ...You look like an idiot.

Nita:It took you that long to figure that out?

CD Player: 2...

Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku: Eeeeennnneeeeerrrrrrggggyyyy!

Dairine: ... Should you really use a really big beam of energy to blow up something so--

CD Player: 1...

CAT: Both the blasts meet halfway between the CD player and Roshaun, but in complete disregard for the laws of anime, they don't cancel each other out, but get bigger and destroy everything within 100 miles.

Dairine: -eyebrows singed off- --volatile?

Roshaun: Ooops... my bad, you guys.

-silence-

Roshaun: Aww, stop trying to freak me out. You guys are like cockroaches. You can't die... right?

Dairine: Well, yeah, but what if we had?

Roshaun: ...

Nita: Dammit, there goes New York. Do you have any idea how many times we rescued it, just to have you come and blow it up?

Roshaun: Don't worry, guys! I have my Dragon Ballz!

Everyone: ...

Roshaun: Hey! Don't give me that look! If you collect enough of them, you can make a wish! They can repair the damage my lack of planning and common sense incurred.

-Ronan and Kit look at each other and nod-

Both: -in singsong voices- Haha! Roshaun fondles dragon balls!

Roshaun: Shut up! The name's just a figure of speech!

-A random, angry dragon appears-

Dragon: There you are, you ball thief! Very well. If you give them back to me, I shall grant you two wishes.

Everyone: -snicker-

Roshaun: Really? Two? Uhh... First, I want all the damage caused from my attack to be restored to how it was.

Dragon: Granted.

Carmela: Not better? This is New York-- you could have at least wished it a little cleaner...

Roshaun: Everyone's a critic.

Nita: Shouldn't you be a genie or a fairy or something? I've met dragon-things before, and they didn't seem like the type of creatures who'd go around granting wishes.

Dragon: Hmph. Don't player hate.

Roshaun: One more wish, huh? Hmmm...

Carmela: You could wish for money! Lots of money... -drools-

Ronan: Or power...

Kit: -sigh- Or love...

Dairine: Or a brain.

Nita: Or to get us all out of the hell that is CAT's imagination.

Roshaun: I want... I want... Gah! I can't take this kind of pressure!

Random Roshaun Clone 1: I wish for... a grape juice falafel!

Dragon: Granted. Now so long, suck-ahs!

Roshaun: Hey! That wasn't me! No fair! You owe me a wish!!

Carmela: -pokes the falafel- Eww... I think it just moved...

Grape Juice Falafel: Please... kill me. I shouldn't exist...

Roshaun: It's looking at me! Dairine, save me!

Dairine: Whoa, mister. Don't you try to change the subject. Where the hell did you go after you went poof saving my planet and why are you still alive?

Roshaun: Hey! I thought you'd at least be a little bit happy. -sniffles- Why are you yelling at me for being alive?

Ronan: -whispering fearfully- Be careful. The Callahan women are vicious harpies when they're mad.

Roshaun: -gulp- Well, the transcendent pig intervened when I was about to be a burn mark and told me I had to come with him. He even slipped up when I asked him the meaning of life!

Nita: Really?? What did he say?

Roshaun: Something about 42...

Carmela: Ha! I knew it!

Dairine: -ahem- So where did he take you, then?

Roshaun: I went to train with little bald guys in orange robes who like to meditate under waterfalls and whack me with kendo sticks.

Carmela: O.o Eww, I didn't know you were into that kind of thing.

Roshaun: Hey!

Dairine: So you're really back now? No more stupid bravery, right?

Roshaun: Uhh... for the moment.

Dairine: Well, I'm glad. -pauses for a second and turns to him like she's about to hug him, then sucker punches him- That's for making me worry.

Roshaun: Ow...

Ronan: I told you: vicious harpies.

Kit: One more thing-- why are there still two Roshauns in the room? It's starting to scare me.

-Random Roshaun Clone 1 turns into CAT-

CAT: Wow... Kit was the observant one for once.

Roshaun: You! I should have known you were behind this. Why did you mess up my wish?

CAT: 'Cause I've watched enough bad fantasy to know that you have to be careful what you wish for. Well, that and I needed a new contestant for ...

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH, VERSON 11.12!!!

CDM Announcer: SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!

Dairine: Huh? What's on Sunday?

CDM Announcer: Umm... the ALL-NEW, NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN, REALLY-HYPHENATED, CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!

Dairine: Isn't today Thursday?

CDM Announcer: Well, yeah, but no one pays attention when I scream 'THURSDAY, THURSDAY, THURSDAY!'

Dairine: No one really pays attention to you anyway...

CDM Announcer: ANYWAYS, TODAY'S MATCHES ARE MORE EXCITING THAN EVER! IT'S SUPER HERO THEME DAY!

Roshaunoku: I take the challenge!

CDM Announcer: But-- I didn't even announce the pairings yet!

Roshaunoku: I will not back down from an insult to my fighting skills! Hahhaa!

CDM Announcer: Whatever. You were scheduled for the first match, anyways.

Dairine: Didn't I tell you not to be stupidly brave and reckless anymore?

Roshaunoku: Ah, but I am doing this for you and the good of the world!

Dairine: Idiot...

CDM Announcer: I hate to break up your little lover's spat, but it's time for Round One...

Dairine: LOVER'S SPAT???

Roshaun: Ooh... I'd duck and cover if I were you...

CDM Announcer: Uhh.. sorry???

Dairine: Oh, no. Sorry doesn't cut it, I'm afraid... You will have to pay for your transgression!

CDM Announcer: Meep...

Dairine: -grabs the falafel and shoves it in CDM Announcer's mouth-

CDM Announcer: MMPHW?!

Dairine: -grabs microphone- I'll be taking this, too. NOW, ONTO THE SECOND MATCH!

Roshaun You don't have to use that voice, you know.

Dairine: I CAN'T STOP! I THINK IT'S THE MICROPHONE! IT'S POSSESSED MY VOCAL CHORDS!

Roshaun: My ears...

Dairine: OUR FIRST MATCH IS VERY EXCITING! IT'S A THREE-WAY BRAWL BETWEEN ROOKIE SUPERHEROES TO SEE WHO IS THE CHAMPION!

Roshaun: Me?

Dairine: OUR FIRST CONTESTANT IIIS... META-MAN! HIS DESCRIPTION SAYS HE'S LIKE SUPERMAN AND MEGA-MAN, BUT BETTER, COOLER, AND SMARTER...

CAT: -Darryl enters, wearing a purple spandex jumpsuit with an M on the chest-

Ronan: Haha!

Darryl: I'm... Metacognition Man, Meta-Man for short! I deal out useless knowledge and mad magic skillz, yo!

Carmela: So... you think about thinking? That's your power?

Darryl: Yeah! And mad magic skillz...

Ronan: -cough- lame -cough-

Darryl: Shut up, or I'll think about thinking about beating you up.

Ronan: ... I-- I think that was too pathetic to even make fun of...

Darryl: Pathetic... or heroic?

Ronan: -sigh- Too bloody easy...

Dairine: OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS... HOMBRE ESPANOL? SPANISH MAN?

CAT: -Kit comes out, dressed in a matador outift-

Kit: Si, senora!

Dairine: WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YOUR COOL ACCENT MARKS AND UPSIDE DOWN QUESTION MARKS?

Kit: Que?

CAT: Ok, so they don't exist in crappy WordPad...

Kit: Que?

Dairine: ANYWAYS, IT SAYS HERE THAT YOUR POWER IS TO ARGUE WITH ENGLISH-SPEAKING PEOPLE REALLY FAST IN SPANISH SO THEY GET CONFUSED AND JUST SORT OF NOD... IS THAT RIGHT?

Kit: Si, si, si.

Ronan: That's almost as lame as Meta-Man over there.

Carmela: Well, Spanish is the best language to argue in. German's best for cussing, Italian and French are best for sweet-talking. So is Irish, you know...

Kit: Se que usted no acaba se decir eso a mi. Broche de presion.(2)

Ronan: Huh?

Carmela: -sighs- Una que bestia muda.

Ronan: Uhhh... si?

Kit: Usted es un hombre irlandes cojo y deseo llevarle abaja a los muelles, le empujo adentro durante una tormenta, y veo si usted puede controlar un elemento del agua otra vez en agua contaminada. Esas cosas estan muy enojadas. Tambien, parada que intenta hasta la fecha a mi hermana.

Ronan: Ok, ok. Sorry!

Kit: Eso correcto.

DAIRINE: RIIIGHT... OUR THIRD CONTEST IS... SUPER SAIYAN ROSHAUNOKU. OF COURSE.

Super Saiyan Roshaunoku: Aiiii am the champion... Aiiiiiiiii am the champion. No time for losers, 'cause I am the champion... of the Powers!

Kit: Le golpeare con el pie en el pelo ridiculo grande.

Dairine: ON THE COUNT OF THREE, YOU CAN START THE BRAWL. ONE! TWO!

Mystery Man: Wait! We have also come to compete in your competition of manliness!

Mystery Man 2: Yeah! Call 1800COLLECT, 'cause your gonna need it... to call your mommies to pick up the pieces of your bodies and arrage your funerals.

Mystery Man: Hey, I thought we agreed on none of that. What's our catch-phrase?

Mystery Man 2: -sings in a crappy falsetto- We don't have to take our clothes off... to have a good time!

Mystery Man: Err, no, not that. The other one.

Mystery Man 2: I pity the foo who aids entropy and speeds up the death of the universe, yo.

Mystery Man: That's right.

Dairine: WAIT A SECOND... THAT'S CHUCK NORRIS... AND MR. T! SWEET!

Nita: Entropy? Wait, don't even tell me you two are wizards.

Mr. T: Shoot. Of course we're wizards.

Chuck Norris: What'd you think?

Carmela: Well, that explains why you're both so awesome for no apparent reason.

Chuck Norris: Truth. But Sidekicks did rock on its own.

Carmela: True. Especially the end. You know, with the kid in the wheelchair? -laughs hysterically- That... was so... freaking funny.

Chuck Norris: Hey! It was supposed to be inspirational!

Darryl: Dude, I used to be in a wheelchair AND autistic and even then I thought that ending was weak.

Chuck Norris: But it inspired you to work to get out of the wheelchair and become the super-hero-thing you are today, right?

Darryl: No, not really...

Mr. T: You best not be insulting Walker Texas Ranger's movies.

Chuck Norris: -sigh- For the last time, T, I'm not Walker Texas Ranger. He was a fictional character I played on TV.

Mr. T: YOU LIE!!! -sobs- You're Walker Texas Ranger, dammit!

Chuck Norris: -sighs- No, my name is Chuck Norris.

Mr. T: Dirty imposter! -whips out his brass knuckles and beats the crap out of Chuck Norris-

Carmela: They're wizards and the powers won't trust ME with magic? Weak.

Dairine: OUR FIRST CONTESTANT DOWN IS CHUCK NORRIS! WHO'LL BE NEXT?

Darryl: If I'm against Mr. T, I forfeit. I'm not crazy.

Roshaunoku: Come on, Meta Man is smart. You should totally be able to take down someone like Mr. T.

Darryl: I don't see you charging him.

Roshaunoku: Errr... I'm not as good at that thing...

Darryl: Whatever.

Nguyet: -from the crowd- Whooo! Go Meta Man! Kick Mr. T's ass!

Meta Man: Yes, my mistress... -goes for a strangle-hold on Mr. T, who looks ponderous-

Mr. T: -cough- You're a pillar -cough-

Darryl: -disintegrates- Dammit, I hate it when this happens...

Dairine: IN THAT CASE, DARRYL MCALLISTER AKA META MAN, IS DOWN AND OUT!

Nguyet: Darryl! That's it, it's on. I'm bringing it. Ready, Tuyet?

Tuyet: Fine... but I'm not doing this for every guy you have a crush on.

Nguyet: Hey! Just 'cause you can hear my thoughts doesn't mean you're allowed to tell everyone! -punches Tuyet-

Disintegrated Darryl: Woohoo! She likes me!

Tuyet: Let's just get on with this...

Nguyet: Right.

Both: WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!

Tuyet: Form of...

Nguyet: An alpaca!

Dairine: IT APPEARS TWO MORE SUPER-HEROES HAVE JOINED THE FRAY! ...THEN SUBSEQUENTLY TURNED THEMSELVES INTO GLORIFIED LLAMAS. REALLY, GUYS... OUT OF ALL THE ANIMALS YOU COULD HAVE MORPHED INTO, I THINK YOU CHOSE THE MOST USELESS.

Alpaca Tuyet: What? It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Alpaca Nguyet: -spits at Mr.T-

Alpaca Tuyet: Hey, Nguyet, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Alpaca Nguyet: Probably, since our thoughts are inseparably entwined...

Alpaca Tuyet: I could really go for some grass right now. Maybe even a clover or two...

Alpaca Nguyet: And cud for dessert.

Alpaca Tuyet: Mmm... cud...

Dairine: IT APPEARS THE WONDER TWIN ALPACAS HAVE WONDERED OFF TO GRAZE... REAL HEROIC.

Roshaunoku: Never fear! I shall vanquish this demon on my own! SUPER... DUPER... BEAM... OF.. ENERGY!!!!

-Roshaunoku creates a beam of energy, but Mr. T refects it with his shield o' bling and it reflects back to Roshaun, who fries-

Dairine: NOOO!!! JUST WHEN HE ESCAPED BEING FRIED LIKE A MCDONALDS FRENCH FRY BY A CERTAIN VENGEFUL, CLIFF-HANGER YW AUTHOR, SUPER-SAIYAN ROSHAUNOKU HAS BEEN BARBEQUED BY MR. T. THAT LEAVES MR. T AND HOMBRE ESPANOL.

Kit: Naaaaaaaachooooooooo!

Mr. T: Huh?

Kit: Sometimes grown men like to wear stretchy pants, alone in their room. Is for fun.

Mr. T: I mean, sure, I have, but--

Kit: Those eggs were a lie, Mr. T!

Mr. T: But--

Dairine: IT LOOKS LIKE HOMBRE ESPANOL HAS STRAYED FROM HIS ORIGINAL FIGHTING STYLE AND IS NOW AIMING TO CONFUSE HIS OPPONENT WITH NONSENSICAL/BROKEN ENGLISH INSPIRED BY NACHO LIBRE.

Kit: Would you like to join me in my quarters this evening for some toast?

Mr. T: Err, no, thank you.

Kit: Remember when Nita was cheering and I used my strength to rip my blouse?

Mr. T: Error 777- Does not compute. Lack of sanity error. -Mr. T blows up, showering the spectators with cogs and fancy machinery-

Dairine: IT APPEARS MR. T WAS JUST A ROBOT PROGRAMMED TO SEEM VAGUELY INTELLIGENT AND KIT EXPLOITED ITS WEAKNESS FOR NON-LOGIC. HOMBRE ESPANOL IS THE UNCONTESTED COOLEST SUPERHERO EVER!

Kit: Si, si, si! Nita, be my Mary-Jane/Lois Lane. Look, I just made a poem!

Nita: -sighs- Ugh... it' pretty pitiful when the savior of the world wears spandex...

CAT: You're telling me. I don't even know what's going on, and I wrote this. Sca-ree.

Steven Seagal: -randomly appears with Christopher Walken and squints belligerantly-

Christopher Walken: I just need more cowbell... and less entropy.

CAT: And that, kiddies, is the lesson of the chapter.

FIN

Post-story A/N- The strange thing is that when I put my mom's Celine Dion CD in my laptop to get the lyrics, it froze up my computer and I hadn't saved yet. Thankfully it didn't blow up or lose the data, because I don't have any super-saiyans handy to protect me or the What The? file. Thank you, luck!

Sidenote 1: Keep an eye out for the one-shot fic about my slightly alternate universe approach to Ronan after the whole shish-ka-bob episode. It's Carmela/Ronan, too! FYI: It'll probably be called "Rise and Shine, Sleeping Beauty".

Sidenote 2: You know I've been reading too much Terry Pratchett (I even have a story in that section now!) when I interrupt my stories with sidenotes... Anyways, just so you all know, these are all babelfish translations, which means by definition they'll be crappy and mostly grammatically incorrect. Sorry, I don't know Spanish. A small word of advice to anyone taking a foreign language class: Babelfish is not the answer. Your teacher will know, you'll sound like a slow kindergartener, and you won't really learn anything. Good times...

So now go and review, or I'll sic Mr. T on you. And that's scary, yo.