I'm in a bad way. I am in a really bad way, and I'm not sure how to pull my dumb ass out of it. So it seems that I am in love. I'm not just talking love. I'm talking really in love. So much love that it hurts when Derek is away. Now Derek lives a half a day away from me, it's not like I can just run over to his house and proclaim my undying love. No, I am here. I am here and I am dying without him. God it hurts. How does one go on?
It scares me. Maybe this is why I have kept myself from love for such a long time. No one should feel this way. No one should feel as if they can't breathe because they are without a person. I am a firm believer that everyone should be independent. You should be able to do everything on your own and when someone else comes along, it is great when you can function with that person in your life. Everyone needs to be okay on their own. I am not. I was, but now with Derek's absence, I am falling. I am falling fast.
"Hello?" I say as I answer my phone. I almost don't want to talk on the phone. I am terrified that someone will realize. There is a difference between grumpy Meredith and lovesick Meredith. Well, it is more like Eeyore Meredith. Nonetheless, this Meredith is scary not only to herself, but to others too.
"Hey Mer." I hear Mark say as I toss my special face wash in my bag. I'm a bit shocked that he is calling me. Usually we go a little more time before we talk to each other.
"Hey Mark. What's going on?" I ask with raised brows as I look into the mirror. This is the point where I am one-hundred percent tingly inside. I am hoping for just the mention of Derek's name. Just the tiniest smidgen that he is alive and will. A tiny bit of dirt. Anything that I can either fantasize about or elaborate on.
"Not much. I just figured I would check up on you. You weren't looking so good when we left." He points out. At that moment, I feel a bit of a rumble in my tummy. I wonder if it is that noticeable to everyone. I sure hope that it is not.
"I was fine." I say quickly. I was fine. Or not. Okay, Mer, keep lying to yourself. Once you convince yourself, maybe you can convince everyone else. Maybe.
"Yes. You were fine just like you were fine in the car. Okay, Mer. It's obvious to everyone." He tells me frankly. What is obvious? The fact that I have become some lovelorn emotional freak? Or the fact that I am less grumpy and more something else. Maybe it is the fact that I am openly miserable, just as before, but with a bit more of an edge.
"I am okay. I guess I am in a funk." I tell him with a sigh as I walk over and lay back on my bed. I need to lay on my bed. I need to get to my center and all that zen crap. Maybe I need to look into that. Maybe it will help me.
"Yeah. I guess so. But that funk you talk about? That would be called love. Don't worry, Derek is feeling it too." He tells me. I feel the blood pump so quickly through my veins that a hot flush comes over my whole body. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. Or at the very least, I may just pee my pants.
"Derek found love?" I ask simply. It really can't be me and I'm not sure why my delusional self is thinking that it can be. "That is great..." I mutter as I trail off. Truly, the idea makes me so sick I am fighting the need to vomit all over myself.
"Um, yeah. Derek has found love. Apparently you have too." He tells me. Now my attention is piqued. I am definitely more than delusional. "You two have found love... Together. With each other." He says frankly. I let out a shocked gasp. Could it be true? Could Derek feel the same way as I?
"What?" I ask in a true state of shock. I never thought it could actually be. Actually is a lot stronger than possibly and I will take it graciously. "What do you mean?"
"Mer, playing dumb is not your strong suit. You are no good at it." He warns me as he takes a quick pause. "He talked about you the whole way home. First it was masked and by the end of the drive, it was out in the open. He went on and on about you. He is in love with you. How could you not see it?"
"He isn't in love with me, Mark. He just- It's sex and all of that. I mean, look at how it started. It was never supposed to be anything more. Relationships like those never work out. You don't eat and sleep where you shit." I snap as I roll my eyes. He is telling me what I want to hear, and now I am fighting him on it. How twisted is that?
"Okay. Hmm... So all these people who sleep with the love of their lives, they must be eating where they shit, huh?" He asks. Okay, my analogy was stupid. Incredibly stupid. But my point is that this never works out.
"Um- Well.... Derek is an idiot. He doesn't love me. He is just fucking with you. Derek and I- It will never happen. Just shut up, okay?" I ask with a loud tone.
"Well.... Whatever, Mer. I guess you like to go through life with a blindfold over your eyes. Why don't you get back to me in twenty years. Let me know how it served you." He tells me.
"Derek does not love me." I say as I shake my head in denial.
"Yeah... We'll see about that." Mark tells me with a smile. "If he didn't.... He would be on his way." He muttered.
"What?" I ask in shock. On his way??
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So Derek is on his way. Or was on his way. I'm not sure what he is at the moment. I tried to get more out of Mark, but of course he turned into a guy and refused to say anything else. I'm not sure how long it really takes him to get here, but I'd imagine he should be here soon or by now.
I'm wondering why Derek is coming. He really doesn't have a reason to be coming to my town. Mark had mumbled something about him loving me, but I am sure that it is just him teasing me. He is probably attempting to get me back for all mean things I probably deserve a little bit of return torture.
I lay back on my sofa and think about all of this. At the moment, my life is full of confusion. At the moment, I'm not sure if I'm coming, going or been there. I'm so busy with school, it's insane. I don't know how I will ever make it through all of it, and by the time I make it, I will be so tired, I will never actually make it. I lay back and close my eyes, knowing that not only do I have all of that on my mind, but also that damn thing called love.
"Oh!" I gasp as I jump up from my sofa. I hear the loud sound of my doorbell. No one ever uses my doorbell. They usually just walk in the back door and start yelling at me. I know it isn't the safest to leave my door unlocked, but it's what I do. I quickly jump up and rush to my front door.
I look up in shock. It's Derek. Derek is here. He actually came to my door. He's here at my house. All of the things that Mark said are ringing in my ears. Derek actually came here and that means something. That means something huge. That means that Derek might actually love me. If Derek loves me, I'm not even sure what to say or do. I'm not sure how to react. I guess I should just see what he has to say.
"Der-" I start before it happens. I feel Derek's soft lips on mine. We had a rule. A no kissing rule, and yet Derek is here kissing me deeply. I let out a soft moan as he runs his tongue over my lips and then slides it in. I melt softly as his tongue wraps around mine tasting me. I can taste his minty breath as I pull away, feeling his lips peck mine one last time. "Derek- What are you- What are you doing here?"
"I came to say.... When I was here last time... There were things I needed to say. I needed to tell you, but I didn't. I needed to- I have come here to- I'm in love with you, Meredith. I love you. I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. I love you, Meredith Grey."
I don't even know what to say. This is everything that I ever wanted with Derek. Maybe not in the beginning, but right now, I think it is. The problem is, could it work? This is me we are talking about. I'm that girl who doesn't know how to be happy. I'm the one that has locked my heart up tight. I put so many locks and barriers up to protect myself. Now we are talking about letting all that go for the sake of one man. It scares the hell out of me and I'm not sure I want to do it.
"Do you hear me?" Derek finally says as he grabs my shoulders gently and looks into my eyes. "I love you." He repeats.
"I did hear you." I tell him with a sigh as I look into his eyes and then down at my own feet. "I heard you."
"That's it? That is all I get? An "I did hear you." What is that? I just said all this and- What do I get? I mean, not that I expected to get anything, but damn, I expected some heartfelt words from you." Derek points out as he drops his hands off of me. I think he really might be mad at me.
"Derek, you know I'm not the heartfelt kind of girl. I mean, you can say that stuff to me, but you know I may not return that stuff because- Well, you know." I say as I look anywhere but at him. I'm having a really hard time looking at him. It's hard to look him in the eyes, knowing how deeply he feels.
"I know. I mean, I have thought about this a lot. This isn't something that I decided and just drove hours and hours to come tell you. I have put thought into this. I know you. I know how you think, and I think I know a little bit about how you feel and what you have been through. I know you well enough to know that you can't say your feelings. So- At least say something!" Derek says quickly as he gasps for breath. I'm pretty sure that he had ceased breathing for a few moments.
"Yes. Yes..." I tell him. Yes to what, I do not know. Just yes, because yes freaking works. As I look at him, I can tell that he has a huge question mark above his head. He too is wondering just what yes means. "What I mean is... I like you. I like you a lot."
"Oh. Nice. Okay, so I just drove for an eternity to be told that you like me a lot. Well, do you know who I like a lot? My friends. I would never fuck my friends, okay? I would never do this- I like you a lot? God, Meredith. I guess we are on different levels here. The playing fields are- Fuck." He says as he runs his hands through his curls. He is obviously irritated by me and I can't say I blame him in the least.
"No! No, that's not what I mean, Derek. I mean.... I like you. Like a lot. Like- I can't say that. I care for you deeply. I can't say those words, okay? They scare me. But Derek, I really, really like you. Like... L.Y.. I L.Y. you, okay?" I ask him with exasperation. I want him to know how much I care, I just can't say what I need to say.
"L.Y.?" Derek asks with confusion. "Oh! Oh... Oh my god!" He says as his face breaks into a huge smile. It is obvious that I just made his day. "You do. You love me too! Shit. Yes!" Derek says happily as he looks into my eyes and pulls me close again, kissing me deeply. I feel his mouth mesh with mine, his tongue sliding in so gently. I can't help but let a faint moan escape my lips. I have to admit, this kissing thing is fantastic. As he pulls away, I find myself missing the touch. "We need to get your feelings in check."
"What do you mean?" I ask him as I lean back, unsure of exactly what he is talking about. "Get my feelings in check?"
"Yes. You need to feel things and accept what you feel. I know it's hard, Mer. Well, I don't know. I was lucky enough to grow up with a wonderful family who cared about me. I never lacked love, and I knew what to do with it. You have been...damaged. I hate to say that, and it's not a bad thing-" Derek starts. I look over at him and can't help but feel bad. I feel like I'm dirt. Like I'm nothing. Trash. Feelingless.
"It's a flaw." I point out sadly as I step back from the door. Apparently I'm not feelingless because right now, I'm feeling pretty damn bad. Right now, I want to cry. It seems that everyone sees what a freak I am.
"No. No, it's not a flaw. It's not a bad thing. You will be fine, Mer. I have faith in you." Derek says as he walks in and shuts the door behind him. He quickly walks behind me and grabs my shoulder. I feel him spin me around towards him. "Look at me..." He says as he tips my head up to look at him. "Not flawed. Perfect in my eyes." He tells me as he runs his thumb along my face. "Perfect."
"Derek..." I whisper sadly as I look at him. I have never been around anyone who was so genuinely kind to me.
"Why don't you go sit down. I'm going to grab my bag and lock my car up." Derek says as he points to the sofa.
"Okay." I agree as I amble over to the sofa and plop down. I look up, watching Derek disappear out my back door.
As I sit down, I try to take in everything that has happened. It's too much, way too much. I can't even begin to understand what just happened. Derek came all the way here for me and for me only. He wants to see me. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to love me. I quickly look up, realizing what he had said. He was going out to get his bag. He is staying here. I have never had a boy actually sleep and stay in my bed. This will never work. He needs to stay in the guest bedroom.
"Okay." Derek says as he walks in and tosses his back to the side. "Are you ready?" He asks as he looks into my eyes. I raise a quick brow.
"For?" I ask, wondering what he has planned for us now.
"To rock this house." He says with a smirk. Oh no, I'm in trouble now!