I sit on my bed and stare at the wall. This is all too new to me. This is all so different. Derek is in my shower right now. He is taking a shower and I am supposed o be getting ready to go out. I can't seem to peel myself away from this interesting wall. Okay, maybe it isn't so interesting, but it is better than picking out something to wear. Why does Derek have to take me out for dinner? I'd just rather stay in my cocoon. Preferably by myself, sending him away when I am done with him.
It's not that I want Derek to leave. It's not that he turns me off to were I can't even look at him. It's that he makes me uncomfortable. He isn't doing anything wrong. He is being supportive, and nice. He is going out of his way to make me feel special. These are things I haven't felt before. Really, just not in a long time. I'm afraid to get hurt. That scares me worse than anything else could.
"Are you ready?" Derek asks as he rounds the corner and walks into my room. "You're not." He says in shock as he looks at me. Here I sit, still in a towel, not even in my robe. My hair is still wet and laying on my shoulder, the occasional drip running down to it's tip.
"I will be." I mutter, not coming out of my fog. I'm completely enthralled by this perfect silence that I was in. Now Derek is here, putting pressure on me. "I'm going." I tell him as I remain seated and look not at him, but at that wall. It's like a trance I'm in and I enjoy it when I go there.
"Our reservations are for- Oh my God, Mer, we have to go soon. I had to pull strings to get us in there." He tells me as he stands by my side. I still haven't looked at him, but I know that he is there, looking at the side of my face, and jumping up to get ready. "I guess we could just cancel." He suggests as he let's out a disappointed sigh. Music to my ears, and yet I feel a pang of guilt.
"I'm going." I say again but this time I do it. I quickly rise to my feet, snapping out of my trance. "I'll be out in a second." I tell Derek as I walk into my closet. Most girls would freak out, but not me. I grab a simple black lace bra and matching bikini cut panties. I pull them on and then grab my cranberry, white and navy striped button up top and black pants. I'm sure it's not as sexy as he would like, but it's all I have. I'm not one for dressing up. I quickly run my fingers through my hair and grab a pair of socks. "Okay." I tell him as I walk out of my closet now in my favorite black boots.
"Already?" He asks in shock as he looks at me. Apparently he is used to regular girls. I don't bother with makeup. I thought about it when I was younger. Once before a school dance, probably the only one I went to, my friend and I went to the mall. Her friend worked at the makeup counter and was going to give us free makeovers. I'll never forget that girl saying I had great skin and don't ruin it with makeup. That was the last time I wore it.
"Yep. Are you ready to go?" I ask him as I spritz my hair, hoping the natural light curl will behave itself. "I'm ready." I say as I walk past him and down the stairs. I walk in the kitchen and grab my purse.
"I can't believe- I mean, you look amazing, but I can't believe that you got ready so quickly." He says in shock as he grabs his keys. Apparently he would rather drive than me. I can't say I blame him, my Jeep smells horrible. "I've never known a girl who can get ready so quickly." He points out as he unlocks his car and opens the door for me. I slide into the low seat and lay my head back. I can do this. It's not like Derek is a stranger. "Hey..." He whispers as he grabs my hand for a second and strokes it at a red light. When it changes, he releases and goes back to shifting.
"I'm okay." I say to myself. The problem is, I said it too loud and Derek hears me say it. He quickly looks over at me. He realizes that I am saying it to myself, not to him.
"What's wrong?" He says in shock. I'm sure he isn't used to a complete freak of a girl sitting next to him. "Do you want to go home?" I know he doesn't. For once in my life, I have to not be selfish.
"No. I'm fine. I was just- I felt sick for a second. I guess I'm really hungry." I lie as he drives along. I lay my head back on the black and red leather seats and close my eyes for the rest of the drive. I need to keep my thoughts to myself. Stupid me.
"My lady." Derek says as he opens my door. I sigh as I swing my leg out and stand up. We are at the finest steakhouse in the area. He went way out of his way to make this happen.
"Thank you." I whisper as I entwine my arm in his and walk alongside him to the entrance of the restaurant. The line is long, luckily he did get reservations.
"Shepherd." Derek tells the hostess as he looks around. She nods and tells him it will be just a few minutes. I look around at everyone. I wonder if they are all looking at me. I wonder if my scars are visible like I think they are. I need to do something to busy myself. I'll call Izzie. I quickly hit the green button twice to call the last person I have called. I freeze as I hear Derek's phone ring. It's not that I called him. It's the ringtone.
[i]Blood sugar baby, Shes magik, Sex magik sex magik, Blood sugar baby, Shes magik, Sex magik sex magik, Blood sugar crazy, She has it, Sex magik sex magik.[/i]
I look at him in horror. I slowly shut my phone, hearing the music stop. I look around, seeing everyone look at me. They heard it. I can't believe that is my ringtone. I drop my head in horror, wondering how else I can be humiliated. Derek gives me a shit-eating grin, feeling self-satisfied. Ass. And now these people will be talking about it over their candlelit dinner. Probably not, but I will assume they are.
As we walk to the table, I feel the color of my face turn from a nice peachy flesh color to a beet red. I feel like it is all being played on the jumbo-tron. I know that Derek did it in an endearing way, but nonetheless I am humiliated. I keep my head down as I walk behind Derek and the hostess. He had motioned for me to go first, being the gentleman that he is, but I couldn't. I had to be a follower while he walked through with his head held high.
I sit down in the seat that Derek has pulled out for me. The white linen tablecloth looks so elegant. I know I have to let my embarrassment go and try to get over it. I need to sip wine from the sophisticated glasses that are sitting on our table. i need to eat their marinated steaks that have been aged to protection. Most importantly, I need to look across the table at this perfect man in front of me.
"I'm sorry, Mer." I hear him say quietly after the hostess walks away from our table. I sigh as I raise my eyes and look fully into his blue ones. Something about him is so captivating to me.
"It's okay." I tell him with a nod as I take a sip of the water that was poured for us. I need something to moisten my palate. In fear, I had gotten a complete dry mouth. I don't know why these trivial things affect me so much. "I was just... Embarrassed."
"But it's true... I hear that song, and I think of you." Derek tells me with a nod. he has a dead serious look on his face and I can't help but want to giggle at him. I just shake my head.
"Yeah, okay." I tell him as I roll my eyes. "It's so not true, Derek." I tell him as I take another drink. I'm not normally a drinker, but at this moment, I would take a nice stiff drink. I need something to knock me on my ass.
"Mer, you are a sex goddess. Don't you ever forget that." Derek tells me frankly as he reaches across the table for my hands. I look down and hold my hands under the table. I just don't get why that would even be my reaction. I'm a strange girl. This is a strange world. "Okay." He says as he pulls his hands away. Dinner seems so simple, and yet it is not. I am a strange girl. To be normal, that would be great!
I wish I could do it. Such a simple thing, placing your hands in another's. But yet, I cannot do it. I can't make that connection. Feelings could be transfered through those hands. It's not that I'm afraid of feeling. It;s more that I'm afraid of feeling too much and then getting hurt. I don't want to hurt. I just want to be happy. I guess until I learn to put my walls down, I will not get to the point of happiness Just when is that point? It's not yet.
"I'm sorry, Derek. I'm just not... I'm not that way." I say as I take in a breath and sigh. I can tell he is disappointed.
"You're not a lot of ways." He mumbles under his breath as our waiter walks up. I go into my own little happy world. I hear him saying things about our dinner and what wine we should chose. A glass of wine would make it all perfect at this point. A bottle of wine would make it even better than perfect. I need something to dull out what I am feeling. You have no idea how much I wish I was not that way. "I ordered crab stuffed mushrooms." Derek tells me. He must have realized that I was off in the special place I go to. What a good place it was.
"That sounds good." I tell him with a nod and a smile as I take another sip of the water. I'm going to need more soon. I have drank it down, using it as a distraction. I swear, if it comes down to it, I will point something out to Derek and I will switch glasses. If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what it is.
"Good. I had to decide, seeing as you were off in your own little world." He says with a nod. I can tell he is bit irritated. If he is thinking of me moving my chair so I can sit next to him and he can look lovingly into my eyes, he is insane.
"I like it that." I giggle as I look around the restaurant. I have no idea what I am going to have. My stomach is too knotted up to eat anything. "My own little world is a great place."
"Apparently." He says with a shake of his head. If I could blow him right now, he would forget it all. I could use sex as I always do. I could use sex as a distraction. I may have a problem as far as that is concerned but I just don't care. I'm not prepared to deal with it.
"I can't help but be me, Derek. That is all I can be." I tell him sharply. I'm having the porterhouse. That is what I want, soaked in the house's special seasonings. I will at least eat a good steak if I have to be here. And to think, there are people that would actually want this.
I live in the house of silence. At one point in my life, I was an avid speaker. I liked to talk to the point of annoyance to everyone around me. It's not like that now. I only talk if I have something to say. If I really like someone, I will talk their ear off occasionally. It depends on my mood. Sometimes I will sit in silence for hours, just listening to my thoughts. Other times, I will start talking if I'm nervous and feel like I need to avoid something.
"How is the steak, ma'am?" The waiter says as he walks up. I don't like that. I'm not a ma'am and I'm positive that I don't look like a ma'am. I look like a miss or something. Ma'am reminds me of an older married lady. That is definitely not me.
"Good." I say quietly. Nothing was attached to that phrase. It was just a word. The truth is, the steak is butter soft and melt in your mouth. It is delectable. More than any of that, it is a distraction. I am always looking for those.
"I have been asking her that all night." Derek states to the waiter. I don't know what he is trying to do. Maybe he is trying to bully me into talking to him. Maybe he thinks that if he calls me out to the waiter, I will feel like a fool and start talking. Not now, now he has just irritated me.
"The lady doesn't speak?" The waiter asks as he looks down at me. I look up at him. Now he is in on the game. Now he is in on the bullying process. I glare. He backs away. Smart of him. I have a knife.
"The lady doesn't speak." Derek agrees as he sits there. He sighs and the waiter walks away. He cuts another piece if steak and places it in his mouth.
I can tell it's affecting him. I'm sorry that it is, but I'm me. I am me and he has to accept that. This is all really new, and really hard. It's hard for me to express to him how I feel. If expressing isn't hard enough, it's even harder to admit it and feel it. It scares me to put myself out there. The minute I let him take my heart, he can stomp it into the ground. It is safer for me to hold my own heart.
"I know how to speak. You don't have to do that to me!" I growl, not slowing down for him to answer. "You made me look and feel like a complete asshole in front of him." I say as I furrow my brow.
"Oh wow... Meredith Grey feeling like an asshole?" He says gasping for dramatic appeal. "I think you were embarrassed." He said with a smirk. And I think he is glad that I was embarrassed.
"Don't talk to me. Just- Don't talk to me." I say as I shake my head and completely focus on my meal. I have shut myself off from him.
Now I am taking eating my meal as an art form. I have always been the fastest eater at the table. Second only to my mother, of course. You would think that she would be a slow eater, knowing it's not good for your body to take a full meal in minutes. I guess she didn't care. It could also be the fact that she was always getting called away from the table and into surgery. Sometimes I think I was never meant to eat a quiet meal with her. Other times I think that it was for the best. The two of us may turn dinner into a knife wielding blood bath. So now, I cut my steak slowly and perfectly.
"I guess I'm sorry." He says after a long time of silence. It was a stretch and a half. I am finding that Derek is insecure in the silence.
"You guess? You guess? No, Derek. You humiliated me. You know how hard this is for me. You are the only one... And you just through that away. You humiliated me, and you know I have a hard time. I am trying, and you are laughing at my face at my efforts. Is nothing good enough for you?" I ask as I feel myself tearing up. I refuse to cry in front of him. I have to shut back down for a moment.
"You are right. I am sorry." He says, I think unsure of what else to say. perhaps he is afraid he will set me off again. He has no idea how hard it is for me. I'm not crazy, I'm scared. I'm like a terrified animal and all he wants to do is pet me. In my mind, all I have to think about is survival. Derek could easily kill me. Or at least he could kill my heart.
"Are we thinking about dessert?" The waiter asks as he picks up our plates. I look at my plate in shock. I ate it all. All of it. I even ate the whole potato, skin and all. Talk about having your mind off in the middle of no where. That was not my finest moment of acting like a lady. That was very un-lady like.
"I'm too full." I tell him as I shake my head and look up. Derek agrees as he watches the waiter take the plates that are in our way. I look at the candle light in Derek's eyes, bouncing around, looking amazing. I find it next to impossible to not drown in that pool of blue. "Thank you, Derek. It was wonderful." I tell him as I watch the waiter walk away with his credit card in the book.
"I'm glad. I just want to make you happy, Mer." Derek tells me with a smile and then looks away. He needs distraction now.
He must feel what I am thinking. I am thinking that there is a chance that I will never be happy. Not with him, not with anyone. No one understands that you can't just wake up and be fine. Damaged is damaged. It just depends on whether it's fixable or whether it's a total loss. I'm still deciding what I am. Does that make me weak? Wouldn't you think everyone is fixable? You have to be thinking that people have made it through far worse than I. You're right. I guess I'm pathetic and weak. Right now, I cannot pull myself up.
"Thank you, Sir." The waiter says as he brings the book back. I take another and the final sip of my wine, as does Derek. I need to get out of there. I sigh as I stand and Derek takes a hold of my hand. I know he is trying to be sweet. I sigh and allow it. He opens my car door. I sigh and allow it. I sigh as he sits in his own seat in the car.
"I need to tell you, Mer...." He takes in a breath. "I love you. I love you so much that I can't breathe on my own. I want you to understand..." He trails. He trails because I am playing with his zipper. A blow job distraction. That will work for both of us. His cock is growing for me and I love it. "No! No, Meredith. That is not going to work." He says as he shoves me away. Damn him. I want my distraction!