Bellamy couldn't decide which was worse: the nights or the days.
During the days at least he was busy, watching over guard training, hunting, coordinating scouting teams and watch shifts, checking in with Jasper and Raven to see how they were holding up, doing everything he promised to do.
Take care of them for me.
But he was alone. More than alone, really, because he knew what it was like not to be alone, to have someone to share all this with, someone to help him shoulder the burden. And it was her absence that screamed so loudly everywhere he turned. When he helped a limping kid into the med bay and found no blonde waves meeting him at the door, or when he barked orders and felt no hand on his arm to temper him; her absence was what made the days unbearable.
That was until the night came, when the sky darkened and everyone began to either relax or head to bed and he realizes that everything that had seemed so heavy during the day was the only thing he had to keep him from falling apart and without it, he feels so empty he can barely breathe.
So, desperately, Bellamy heads to the makeshift bar and grabs a drink. No one questions him, although he doesn't miss their wary glances. Everyone respects him but a lot of that respect comes paired with fear. He sits down alone in one of the chairs that Raven and Wick put together from scrap metal as he tosses back his drink. He knows he should wallow in his private quarters, that if Clarke were here she would tell him not to let their people see him like this.
But she's not, he thinks bitterly, before sighing and dropping his head into his hands. He's not mad at her, he understands why she had to go. But it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't know how to do this without her, and he doesn't want to.
He should've told her he needed her, even if it was selfish. He shouldn't have just let her walk away.
It isn't until his breath begins to quicken that he is prompted to pick up the bottle and head to his room. By the time he reaches it, his heart is racing out of control and he can barely breathe. The feeling is familiar; It happens almost every night when he finds his hands empty and looks out to find Octavia wrapped in Lincoln's arms and he realizes how completely alone he really is. A piece of him is missing and its not fair.
"Goddamnit!" he growls in frustration and before he knows it the bottle has flung from his hand to the wall, where it shatters and spills into pieces. He stands, chest heaving, as he watches the liquid slip down the metal wall in rivulets.
Okay, maybe he's a little mad at her.
A knock on the door finally pulls him from his thoughts.
"Come on in!" he yells, tearing his tear filled eyes away from the alcohol and fixing them into a hard glare to meet whomever dared to interrupt him.
A girl from his past days- Olivia, he remembers- inches in shyly and peeks up at him from beneath her dark lashes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you," she says, and she sounds a lot more coy than apologetic. He wonders how he never noticed the false sweetness in her voice before.
"I just saw you leave and wanted to make sure you were okay."
Bellamy's eyes soften a little, but that's all he can offer.
"I'm fine, thanks," he replies shortly.
But Olivia only grins, and he remembers that she had liked this side of him, in the beginning. She saunters towards him and places a hand gently on his chest, causing him to suck in a sharp breath.
"I can help you, you know," she smiles softly, her playful eyes leaving no question of her intentions.
Bellamy takes in her dark, straight hair and her olive skin. Her eyes are hazel like his and so different from the ones he's always thinking about that he wonders if maybe this is just what he needs.
So he takes a step forward, and places a tentative hand on her hip. Apparently, it's all the encouragement she needs because she surges forward and kisses him, digging her hand in his hair at the nape of his neck.
He groans and kisses her back, covering her lips with his roughly, unapologetically, because he is in no position to make love. He backs her into the wall and feels her smirk beneath him as she slams into it and he almost finds himself smiling back.
It feels good to kiss her and he wishes it could just be this easy. That he could fuck his way to forgetting about Clarke. But reality quickly sets in and tells him it won't be as his chest tightens and all he can think about when he wraps his arms around Olivia's slim waist are curves he only got to feel twice, in desperate but fully clothed hugs.
It's the moment she begins to kiss down his neck and finally presses her lips to his shoulder that he gasps and pulls back, because that spot has been on fire from another pair of lips for weeks.
Bellamy closes his eyes against Olivia's questioning gaze and runs a frustrated hand through his hair.
"You know, I'm really tired," he mumbles, and he knows exactly how lame it sounds. "I'm just gonna head to bed,"
When he finally looks back at her she's watching him sadly, and it'd be patronizing if it wasn't so deserving. She opens her mouth, then closes it again, struggling with what she wants to say. Apparently, she decides on honesty.
"Bellamy, she isn't coming back."
He wishes she hadn't.
When his eyes harden and he looks away, clenching his jaw, she takes that as her cue to leave, closing the door gently behind her.
Bellamy's already scarce amount of sleep was cut even shorter by a shouted "Hey, get up!" above him. He threw his arm over his eyes, trying to postpone both the morning and the pounding headache that loomed behind his eyes.
"Knock much, Raven?" he snapped, but she just snorted.
"Sorry, Sleeping Beauty, Abby wants to talk to you," she replied, the amusement evident in her voice.
"Of course she does," he grumbled, but sat up and pulled a shirt and shoes on nonetheless.
"Rough night?" she asks, although it doesn't really sound like a question as her eyes survey the broken glass that he hadn't yet picked up. Apparently, his answering glare tell her he doesn't want to talk because she simply nods her head is gone before he's rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.
Suppressing the familiar loneliness in his chest, Bellamy set off to see what bad news Abby had for him this time.
It was the last thing he'd ever expected.
"We've received a message," Abby said as she handed him one of the two tablets that had been salvaged from one of the other fallen stations.
"From who?" he asked and immediately knew he failed at trying not to sound hopeful. The sadness he found mirrored in Abby's eyes let him know it wasn't who he wanted to hear from.
"Jaha," she answered softly.
Definitely not who he wanted to hear from.
Still, curiosity got the best of him. How had the former chancellor sent them a digital message? The tablets had so far only been used for informational purposes; not even Sinclair could make them work for communication.
As soon as Bellamy opened the message, a video started playing. A clean shaven, fresh faced Jaha stared back at him.
"Dear friends. I can only hope this reaches you. I have good news. I have reached the City of Light. As I promised, I have found a place that can be safe for us, a place we can call home. I have faith that you will join me. I crossed the Dead Zone, and a body of water that I believe may have been the ocean to reach it. You must head North. If you can cross the Dead Zone, there will be guidance for you from there.
However, I must warn you. The Dead Zone is dangerous. We faced brutal challenges on our journey, and I am sad to say that I'm the only one that made it. You must be prepared for the harsh travel: bring plenty of water and as much food as you possibly can. I have faith that you will find me, and join me in this place. May we meet again."
With that, the video ended and Bellamy had to suppress a snort. That man was so self righteous it was overwhelming. However, he kept his composure when he looked back up at Abby and Kane, who had joined them.
"Well?" Kane asked calmly and Bellamy almost looked around to see who he was talking to. Ever since the return from Mount Weather, many people he never expected to even view him as an equal looked to him for authority; it would take some getting used to.
"Well, what? Are you actually taking this seriously? You know this guy is a nutjob, don't you?"
He saw the familiar fire start up in Abby's eyes and god, if that didn't remind him of someone else. He pushed the throbbing in his heart away and turned to Kane's patient smile instead.
"Jaha may be willing to go to extremes, but he is a good leader. I trust him," Kane explained and this time it really took all Bellamy had not to roll his eyes.
"Well, excuse me if I don't," he snapped. He saw Abby's jaw clench out of the corner of his eye. "Why would we risk people dying when we're safe here?"
"But maybe it's time to be more than safe," Abby retorted as she took a step towards him. "And how long will we be safe? How long before the grounders change their mind about leaving us alone, or before some other unknown threat attacks us? Thelonious said we could have a home there! I think it's worth talking about,"
Bellamy scoffed and shook his head, forcing himself to tear away from Abby's sharp gaze.
"This is crazy," Bellamy stated, but even he could hear the defeat in his voice. He didn't want to admit that Abby was right but she had a point.
"I know, son. But it might just be worth it,"
Damn it. Even if it was, there was no way Bellamy was dragging all their people through the desert if they didn't even know what was on the other side. Someone had to go first, someone had to verify that it was safe and that this "city of light" wasn't just some delusion that Jaha had created.
And there was a small part of him that liked the idea of a journey. The part of his heart that was still selfish and just wanted to get the hell away.
"I don't trust him," Bellamy finally stated after several long moments. "If we're gonna do this, we're not just gonna drag everyone along. We send a scout first, someone to verify that this is worthwhile,"
Kane seemed to survey for a moment before he spoke. "You can't go alone," he said, and it pissed Bellamy off even more that Kane seemed to think he knew him so well.
"If Jaha can make it, so can I. I'm not putting other lives at risk," he answered sharply. Besides, I'm already alone, he thought.
And with that, Bellamy turned on his heel and walked out. He was done listening. He would do things his way, and if Kane and Abby didn't like it, then that wasn't his problem. Relief washed over him as he headed back to his room to gather supplies. A journey was just what he needed. A journey to the City of Light.