Forewords
Let me remind you (again)...
Although Mann Of Conspiracy still has quite a bit of funny in it, it will still be considered as Darker And Edgier much later on.
If you are not ready for the upcoming grim dark theme, turn away from this Fan Fic!
That is all...
Chapter 3: Meet The NEW Team
Time: 28th of June, 1950.
Location: 38th Parallel, North Korean side.
Explosions, machine gun fires and noises of plane engines echoed through the 38th Parallel as forces of both the United Nations and North Korea exchanged fires.
Soldier was once again called into action. As he fired rockets after rockets at North Korean troops, while mumbling to himself. "I just don't get why these goddamned military superpowers declares war at the drop of a hat!" He complained, while at the same time cracking the skull of a North Korean soldier with a whack of his shovel. "First the Nazis, then the Japanese, and then the Soviets! Now this so called North Korea! What's next? Vietnam?!"
Soldier jumped out from behind the wreckage of a T-90 tank, and fired a volley of four rockets at strategically placed North Korean mortars.
As Soldier was about to charge forward with his Shotgun raised, he noticed someone darting into the scene from behind him.
It was his niece, Clara, now having a prosthetic leg after the incident back at Kuantan, Malaysia in 1945. The woman soldier fired her machine gun, taking out several entrenched Chinese snipers that are fighting for the North Koreans.
Soldier closed in and grabbed Clara by the shoulder. "Clara Doe! I told you to stay away from the frontlines for the rest of your life!" Soldier scolded, while using his Shotgun to shoot down a Russian MiG-25 that was flying close to the ground above their heads.
"I don't want to stay in the kitchen, uncle!" Clara responded, as she roundhouse-kicks several North Korean soldiers that popped out from nowhere all of a sudden. "I want to prove that women can do as well as men in wars!"
Soldier dragged Clara closer to him, right as a mortar shell was about to hit her, which thankfully missed. "Listen, young lady! After that explosion back in Malaysia, I swore to myself that I will not let you get injured again!"
Before Clara can make another response, she got hit in her prosthetic leg by a Chinese sniper. The shot simply ricochet off the prosthetic, as the woman soldier retaliates, pumping the Chinaman's face full of lead. "One seek pleasure from pain!" Clara finally responds.
"Yes, that's true!" Soldier said. He flinched when a tank shell landed about two meters behind him. "But in some cases, so is the opposite!"
Another shot was fired at Clara. This time it hit her in her good leg.
Clara dropped on her knees in pain. Soldier, now furious about the ambushing, grabbed his Rocket Launcher and tried to shoot at the North Korean soldier that shot her. But he wasn't quick enough, the North Korean fired another shot, this one piercing all the way through Clara's head and Soldier's torso.
Soldier dropped the Rocket Launcher and clutched the wound on his torso as tightly as he could. But that was not the reason he has horror drawn all over his face. "CLAAAAARAAAAA!" He screamed loudly, before he succumbs to his own injury and fell against the muddy ground.
Just before he blacks out, Soldier sees the same North Korean soldier walking slowly toward Clara, who died to a headshot with her eyes wide open. The North Korean stood next to the corpse of the woman soldier...
...And spoke a single line in Korean.
"geuligo amudo eobs-eossda..."
Soldier blacked out immediately after that...
...
Time: 1545 Hour; 26th of June, 2015.
Location: Cart 4, Gravel Express #42.
"WAAAUUUGGGHHHH!"
Soldier jolted up from the floor as he wakes up from the flashback dream.
All around him, the other RED Team mercenaries sat at every corner in what appears to be a barely lit room, with only the occasional sunlight seeping through the various small cracks.
The mercenaries also have several luggage with them.
"About time you woke up." Scout said to Soldier.
"We got our butts kicked like rotten bacon back there. All of us..." Engineer added in.
"And none of us were able to deal even one point worth of damage to those wankers from the NEW Team!" Sniper complains.
Heavy sat in a corner, hugging Sasha the Minigun sadly. "Oh, it is sad day to be giant baby man..."
Unable to recall why everyone are saying what they just said, Soldier got up from the floor, and asked everyone. "What happened, and what is this place?"
Demoman, surprisingly fully sober this time, answers. "We all got glued back together... IN HELL!"
Medic continues the black Scottish Cyclops' answer. "And ze Administrator have decided zat, after our first defeat in ze Copycat Wars, we are to be deported..."
Soldier is still confused. "Deported to where..." Then he realizes. "Wait, we got defeated in the Copycat Wars?! That means..."
"Yes, my friend..." Engineer said to the WW2 veteran. "Mann Co is now owned by the NEW Team's boss."
"And shortly after putting us on this train to Gravel, The Administrator and Saxton Hale disappeared into freaking nowhere!" Scout adds in a complain loudly. "Freaking unbelievable!"
The entire RED Team is then cut off by what sounded like a train whistle blowing from outside.
"Gentlemen..." Spy finally spoke, while having his mouth crammed full of cigarettes. He then reveals that the "Mentlegen" face is just a mask, which he takes off and throws onto the floor. "We have arrived at Gravel Station..."
The Frenchman is almost immediately interrupted by an explosion from outside. Even Soldier reacted with surprise to the deafening bang.
"...And it appears that we may be stranded here for quite a while..."
...
Location: NEW Team's Apartment; Manhattan, United States.
In an apartment building rented by the NEW Team, or rather, their boss, the NEW Team members gathered around a dining table, having lunch while chatting with each other.
"And so, after Recon here stuck a Flare on the idiota Australian that is the RED Sniper, I sneaked up behind him, and..." The Musician suddenly slams the dining table. "KABOOSH! Full Crit! Right in the back of his cranio!" Musician then realizes that someone else at the table is giving him the look, he apologizes for slamming the table all of a sudden, and proceeds with eating his plate of spaghetti silently.
Directly opposite of where The Musician sat is The Mage. "Bugger, you Italians are better off making music!" Mage's clearly British accent may be what made Musician shut up. "Or row a gondola in Venice..." As she finishes her sentence, she took the opportunity to bite in another piece of British Toast, but put the slice back onto the plate when it turned out to be ice cold. Waving her hand above the plate, the ice cold butter spread on the toast started melting to indicate that the toast has been warmed up.
Recon who sat to the left of Mage took notice of the British witch casting her magic sighed in envy. "If only magic could have solved the conflict that necessitated the formation of the 38th Parallel..." Recon stabbed his fork over multiple spots in his plate full of Kimchi. He then notices something amiss at the dining table. "Speaking of said conflict..."
Someone suddenly stormed into the dining room furiously, holding in his hand what appears to be a crumpled poster of The Interview film, complete with the Korean tagline spelling out "Lejisota nom midji anh-a!" [Do not trust these Registanian bastards!]. That person was the Striker.
"JANG HAN-GUK!" Striker shouted loudly. "This is American propaganda! Are you trying to invoke another war between the Koreas with this movie?!"
Recon stood up, his turn to be angered. "YOU RANSACKED MY ROOM?!" He shouted a response equally furious. "I knew North Korean bastards like you can't be trusted!" After his rant, Recon went and tries to punch Striker right in the face.
The North Korean easily dodges the South Korean's punch, and retaliates with a punch of his own. Recon gets punched straight in the jaw. Thankfully the punch didn't knock any tooth out, but Recon became even more furious.
What follows can best be described as the South Korean Recon and North Korean Striker exchanging punches while shouting something in Korean. The Korean curses are hard to make out over the constant punches and other noises caused by the fight. But at one point, both of them said the same curse in unison that is audible amidst the mess of noises. "jen jang!" [Damn you!].
"All that for a parody poster of The Interview..." The Inflictor, who stood next to the fridge while watching the two Koreans fight, deadpanned and lampshaded at the same time. "Those two senor are strange, especially Striker whose nation took everything way too en serio..."
A second person walked into the dining room, and stopped the fight by lifting up the two fighters by their collar. Recon and Striker continued to jab at each other whilst being held above the ground.
"Now, now. You two lads shouldn't start a fight over something so trivial..." The man, The Sailor, told both Koreans. "But special mention goes to you, Striker. You have no sense of humor whatsoever. Remember when you turned your Assault Rifle on Mage when she cracked a joke?"
"I wasn't shot, but took me a week to clean up my room!" Mage cuts in.
Sailor dropped Recon and Striker on the floor. "Now be good lads or else I'll have Arsonist..." Sailor stopped mid sentence and turned his head around. Sure enough, Arsonist was there, but stayed for only a few seconds before walking back to his room. "...Strap the both of you to the next American atomic bomb that is bound for the Korean Peninsula." He continued his sentence afterwards.
Sitting by the dining table (all of a sudden, as that seat was unoccupied a second ago), Ninja shrugged with the creepiness of Arsonist. "He hasn't even grunted ever since that injury from Vietnam took the toll on him." Like Recon earlier, Ninja noticed something else amiss at the dining table. "Where is Alchemist, and what is he up to?"
It was Inflictor who answered. "Back in his room, trying to synthesize oro again..."
Sailor, who was shooing Recon and Striker back to their room took note. "Thanks, Spaniard... I mean, Inflictor. Now if you excuse me, I'll be going to drag him out of his room." That said, Sailor left the dining room and went down the apartment corridor.
Nobody was sure what happens next, but judging by the noise of physics-defying explosions coming from the direction of Alchemist's room, it definitely is a massive mess there.
"What a bunch of baka we are..." Ninja deadpanned, before she bites into another piece of sashimi.
...
Location: Gravel, somewhere in rural USA.
The RED Team stood around the train engine, or what's left of it. The explosion having tore it into pieces, with the blaze on its burning chassis releasing thick smoke several meters into the air.
"I thought vehicles only explode in movies and video games." Scout hung a lamp. He then slaps himself on the forehead upon realizing something. "Oh, wait. Maybe we are in one..."
"That mess is gonna take forever to repair!" Engineer exclaimed. "If only we have a Repair Bucket with us..."
"Not me this time..." Demoman nonchalantly points out. The black Scottish Cyclops is, very surprisingly, not holding any form of alcohol in his hand. In fact, he is perfectly sober, with his hands empty.
Soldier said nothing, he simply dropped his jaw at the sight of the wrecked train, and the revelation of him and his team losing the very job they had for the past 50 years.
"Tell me, how could this go so wrong?" Heavy asked himself sadly.
"Now its our turn to be standing still, wanker..." Sniper complains, before wandering off on his own.
"Mmph Mmph..." [No more Pyroland...] Pyro mumbled in disappointment.
Soldier still stood there with his jaws dropped.
The sound of someone can be heard exclaiming "Boomer!" in the background off the distance can be heard, followed by what sounded like a balloon bursting.
Soldier finally broke the silence by screaming at the top of his lungs. "AAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!"
The other RED Mercenaries except Sniper turned toward the WW2 veteran.
"Listen up, you maggots!" Soldier tells off everyone. "If Mann Co has decided to leave us for dead for our failures to beat the NEW Team, we are going to make our way back to 2Fort to rip NEW Team and their boss a new one!"
None of the other Mercenaries gave a response. Then...
"That's what I'm talking about!" Scout gave Soldier a thumb up in response.
"Aye, I'll make sure they have nothing to glue themselves back together with. Not even IN HELL!" Demoman chimes in.
Soldier cracked his hands. "If we have to crack some skulls, we will!" Saying that, he went back into the train cart to search for something, and came back out holding a Beggar's Bazooka. Soldier loaded three rockets into the Bazooka, and fires all three into the sky.
Heavy lifted Sasha the Minigun up, and tried a cool pose. "This is just the beginning of the pain we will give them..." The massive Russian boasted.
"Mph-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Pyro raised his Flamethrower above him, and laughed like the maniac he is.
"Let's practice some more medicine!" Medic joined the team-boasting.
Soldier fires another volley of three rockets into the sky. "We will slowly find our way back to Mann Co Headquarters, and then we'll challenge NEW Team again, and beat the crap out of every single one of them!"
The team cheered loudly.
"But first off, we need a temporal base of operation, and this abandoned Gravel mill is just perfect for the job!" Soldier said to everyone. He then turns toward Engineer. "Engie, can you repair the computers of the old BLU Spawn here?"
Engineer produced his Wrench from nowhere (the Texan himself wondered how that's possible), and said, "Maybe. But ah'm gonna need more than a Wrench..."
The Texan's answer came in the form of Sniper driving his camper van out of another train cart.
"Good thing Saxton Hale packed my camper van with everything we owned." Sniper told the others. "I have a box of tools in the back just in case we needed more than Engie's Wrench."
"Then let's get down to business!" Scout said excitedly. "I can't wait to bonk cave in the skulls of that cheap Demoman-Spy knockoff who blew me up back there!"
...
And so for the next three days, the RED Team Mercenaries, with the help of their Engineer, tries to convert the abandoned Gravel Outpost into their temporal base of operations.
Computer terminals in the old BLU Spawn of the compound are repaired. A radar dish installed in place of the Control Point. Sentries has been built all over Gravel. The BLU's Respawn Module recalibrated for the RED Team (their old one was left at 2Fort and is probably now owned by NEW Team). Heavy and Scout ransacking the BLU's old fridge only to find expired Sandviches and empty cans of BONK! Atomic Punch...
With their temporal base done, the REDs tried to find out more about the members of the NEW Team from doing a bit of recon. They tried hacking into the databases of Mann Co - or what used to be the mega company - but are stopped by the Newly installed firewall which somehow caused the computers to explode, forcing Engineer to re-repair them.
It took multiple hacking attempts, multiple exploding computer terminals, multiple re-repairs. But after days of trying, the RED Team has finally obtained information about the NEW Mercenaries.
By that point, the REDs swore that they shall never hack another computer ever again...
...
Time: 1135 Hour; 1st of July, 2015.
Location: RED Command Center, Gravel Outpost.
"Everyone, I have an important announcement to make."
The REDs all turned toward Soldier.
"Thanks to the efforts of Engineer, and all of you..." Soldier announced, which everyone responds with their equivalent of "Yeah!" or in the case of Pyro, gave two thumbs up. "...We have finally uncovered the identity of the numbskulls that is the NEW Team!" The WW2 veteran turned toward Engineer. "Engie, if you may..."
"Alrighty then!" Engineer said. The Texan then connects the computer terminals to a projector, and start punching codes into the computers.
The other classes took cover just in case of another explosion. Medic even has an Ubercharge ready on both of the Mediguns he is dual-wielding.
Thankfully an explosion is not the case. The computer terminals and projector did their job properly. The Mercenaries breathed a sigh of relief.
The projector shows the photo of a man dressed in a sailor uniform and cap. Aside from the aforementioned uniform and cap, he is almost a carbon copy of Soldier.
"This numbskull here, a British rip-off of me, calls himself The Sailor. Real name: Paul Punchman." Soldier relayed the information about the man depicted in the photo. "Hometown: London, England. Primary weapon: Harpoon Gun. Secondary weapon: Shotgun. Melee weapon: an Anchor. His specialty is to dive underwater and sneak up upon his enemies silently. Quite slow on land, but almost faster than Scout when underwater."
"Faster than me?!" Scout cuts in. "How the heck is that freakin' possible?!"
Heavy slaps Scout on the back of his head. "Let Soldier finish speech..." The massive Russian told the Bostonian.
Uninterrupted, Soldier continues his speech, as Engineer switches the picture to another member of the NEW Team. This time, some guy with a moustache playing a violin in which the bowstring seems more like a tripwire than a bowstring.
"This guy is called The Musician. Now I know what some of you might be thinking. But let me tell you that, according to the database, he used to be one of the many personal bodyguards hired by Benito Mussolini of Fascist Italy, and is the only one to have survived World War 2..." Due to the topic involved, Soldier tries to ease himself mentally, though the way he did it is so obvious the other REDs knew what he's doing. "His real name is Mario Ichitali. Hometown: Venice, Italy. Primary weapon: a Funeral Trumpet that is high-pitched enough to make your ears bleed. Secondary weapon: a poisonous blowgun disguised as a Flute. Melee weapon, a Weighted Violin that is heavy enough to double as a bludgeon."
"That's the same thing that wanker used to kill me back there!" Sniper pointed out upon hearing about the Weighted Violin. "My head is still ringing from it, mate!"
"But if I remember correctly, Sniper, The Musician got an Assist Kill when he caved your skull in." Engineer reminded the Australian gunman.
"And the next one is in my opinion better off carrying a red cape for bulls to charge at." Soldier interrupts, as Engineer changes the photo again. This time it's...
Something about the current NEW Mercenary surprised the entire RED Team. But it wasn't what the mercenary in question looked like, or where they came from.
"A woman...?" Spy questioned.
"I was myself surprised at first." Soldier told the Frenchman. "But back on topic. This is The Inflictor, who refused to be named during her interview. Hometown: Madrid, Spain. Primary weapon: a Dart Gun equipped with paralyzing venom. Secondary weapon: a Blowgun which does the same but shoots slower and does no damage on its own. Melee weapon... uh, not quite sure what it is. Looks like an Asian Fan with blades protruding from it?"
"You got paralyzed near ze end of zat match, correct?" Medic reminded Soldier.
Soldier said nothing in response. He simply gestured Engineer to switch the photo.
This time the photo is of what looked like a young girl... in an incredibly stereotypical witch outfit, complete with a pointy hat.
"That is definitely not a Halloween costume, everyone." Soldier emphasized to the REDs. "And sure as hell reminds us all of my old roommate, Merasmus." The WW2 veteran cracked his fist upon being reminded of his wizard roommate. "Turns out Merasmus wasn't the only magician in the world. This little girl, The Mage, is one of them. Real name: Bernice. Yes, just Bernice..." Soldier emphasized again in case the REDs are still confused. "Hometown: Southampton, England... Or rather, what would become said city when she was first born, because she's really 200 years old..."
"What?!" Scout exclaimed in confusion. "What a bunch of weirdos the NEWs are..."
"Well, Scout. The rest of them are kind of weird too." Soldier tells the Bostonian. "Back on topic. Primary weapon: an equally stereotypical Magic Wand. Secondary weapon... not so much as a weapon, as its a bottle of thrown Healing Potion. Melee weapon: a simple Broom..."
...
And so the debriefing continued for a while as Soldier relayed information regarding members of the NEW Team to the REDs.
The relaying of the information went on without a hitch. That is, if one counts the occurrence of Soldier having a case of near-nervous breakdown over the introduction of the Alchemist - real name: McStorm - who came from Dublin, Ireland, or Demoman freaking out over the NEW Mercenary that killed him in the earlier game: the Ninja - real name: Yamada Yukiko (in the Asian order) - from Hokkaido, Japan, who is also a woman... Without a hitch.
"With only a couple of Shuriken as her range weapon, that lass made me had to glue myself back together in hell..." Demoman's freak-out comment on Ninja will forever be remembered by the REDs as hilarious and dangerous at the same time (the Scotsman almost blew up the entire Gravel during his freak-out.
"Outrunning me? Freakin' unbelievable!" So was Scout's. At least the Bostonian didn't do something that forced everyone to turn him into a toilet paper mummy like they did Demoman.
After all that fiasco with Demo, Soldier went back to introducing the last two members of the NEW Team: Recon - real name: Jang Han-Guk - who is from Busan, South Korea; and...
...
"THE STRIKER!" Soldier seems to be furious about the NEW Mercenary that killed him earlier today. He even cracked his fists multiple times, each time so loud that he might as well be grounding the bones in his hands to dust.
Of course, the rest of the REDs knew better than to interrupt the WW2 veteran, especially not when he's furious beyond measurement. Even Engineer decided not to make the infamous "It's over NINE THOUSAND!" joke on the measurement of Soldier's anger.
"This numbskull... no, this bastard..." Soldier said with a serious tone. "...Is formerly a stormtrooper of the so called Democratic Republic of Korea, AKA North Korea..."
"North Korea?" Scout took notice of the Striker's nationality. "Isn't that the only country in the world to actually ban the industry of hat-making, and even hijacked and crashed a plane into the World Trade Center for its alleged 'corruption of world society'?"
"Fat leader is tiny baby man! Claims that hats serves no purpose on the battlefield!" Heavy delivered his disgust.
"That jerkass, Jong-Un even threatened to blow up America if we keep pooling all of our resources into 'useless cosmetic hats' and 'impractical transportation via artillery'!" Engineer did too. "What's wrong with wearin' Nice Hats and getting 'round with Rocket Jumps?"
"Nazi Germany is a cuddle bear when compared to ze DRPK." Medic comments.
Soldier fires a single Shotgun shell into the ceiling, which thankfully doesn't hit anything else, to silence the REDs.
He then continues his speech. "...His real name is Kim Cho-Sin. He was the last North Korean stormtrooper I've came across during the Korean War, and I have unfinished business with him!" Soldier cracked his neck this time. "Just when I thought to escape to Canada to avoid being drafted into the Vietnam War..." He suddenly removed two grenades from his ammo belt, "BANG!", and slammed them together so hard it sprang holes for the gunpowder inside to pour out. "That bastard turned up in a scouting report of the Australian Army that came all the way from Saigon! He was in the Vietcong's underground Headquarters!"
"Eh, that report came from me, mate..." Sniper reminded Soldier. "I was the same Australian soldier that scouted the Vietcong Headquarters in one dark stormy night. The rain made it a Buckley's Chance of escaping from it alive..."
"I don't care what you think of the Vietcong, Sniper..." Soldier told the Australian. "I just want to crack Striker's skull... no, I will make him cease to exist!"
As Soldier continues his speech in the background, Spy turned toward Medic and whispered. "I do believe that Soldier is taking the Striker very personally..."
"Vhat makes you zink so?" The German doctor whispered back.
"Think about it, Monsieur..." Spy said with notes of sarcasm. "Doesn't 'make him cease to exist' sound a lot like a revenge attack?"
The whispered conversation was interrupted when Pyro raised his hand up.
Good thing Soldier is just done with his speech, so he isn't interrupted in any way. "Yes, Pyro?"
"Mmph mmph mmph?" [What about The Arsonist?]
Soldier's response to the pyromaniac is an instantaneous "Dismissed!" that didn't answer Pyro's question.
Pyro mumbled in disappointment, but Scout cheers him up.
"Don't mind his lack of a response, man. He had read through the database on his own earlier, and found that Arsonist seems to be even creepier than you. Well, at least Arsonist is definitely a man, and is from Malaysia of all places. A former Vietcong too..."
Afterwords
Extra long chapter, with some twist in the story!
Soldier's niece is dead. Killed by the North Korean stormtrooper that became Striker, during the Korean War.
Here's a meta-question: are you surprised by the combination of NEW's nationality? Sailor and Mage are British, Musician is Italian, Inflictor is Spanish, Alchemist is Irish, Ninja is from Japan, Recon is from South Korea, Striker is from North Korea, and Arsonist is a Vietnamese-born Malaysian!
Even the history in the Mann of Conspiracy universe is different than real-life! The 9-11 Attack is caused by not Al-Qaeda insurgents, but North Korean spies! North Korea became isolated from the rest of the world because everyone else are pooling resources into cosmetic hats and the likes of Rocket Jumping Explosives when they could've used the same resources to boost their industry or military!
And yes, I did just have Heavy call Kim Jong-Un a "fat tiny baby man". Like he wasn't... oh wait, am I flipping off anyone in the Korean Peninsula with this statement?
Shout-out index:
The Interview - James Franco and Seth Rogen gets recruited by the CIA to go assassinate North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Un. Weird plot, anyone?
[Do not trust these Registanian bastards] - Yes, I know the original tagline for The Interview is "Do not trust these American bastards" in Korean. I just thought it will be funny to make a reference to my other work - Fantasy Blitzkrieg.
"If only we have a Repair Bucket with us..." - Surprise! A reference to Kantai Collection!
"Boomer!" - Stay away from the Boomer! That's one of the primary rules of Left 4 Dead!
That is all. "Deploy a punchline here..."