Forewords
Another week, another chapter for my Fan Fics...
Nothing much to say in this Forewords section...
So let's get back to the storyline.
Heavy: "Pootispenser here!"
Chapter 4: You're Fired... Literally
Time: 1200 Hour; 1st of July, 2015.
Location: Office Of The Mann, Mann Co Headquarters.
"I demand to see your boss!" Saxton Hale, fully dressed in a sandy yellow tuxedo (and fits perfectly too) for once, shouted at the NEW Team Mercenaries who are guarding the entrance to the office that used to be the Australian Chuck Norris's.
None of the NEW Team budged.
"Remove yourself from the vicinity, Saxton Hale..." Striker tells him. "You do not own Mann Corporation anymore."
The testosterone-filled Australian became angered. He flexed his pecks and muscles to show NEW Team that he mean business, without ripping his tux apart, somehow. "Let me through, or else...!"
The entire NEW Team all pointed their primary weapons at Saxton in response, with exception to Ninja who grabbed her Melee weapon instead. Also Alchemist, who drew his Alchemy Staff which could not be categorized in any weapon slots.
"Or else what?" Sailor dared the massive Australian, while pointing his Harpoon Gun. "You're going to sic a kangaroo on us?"
"Australium-infused War Kangaroo, to be exact!" Saxton Hale responds. He proceeds to throw a punch at Recon...
...Before someone spoke through the intercoms.
"Let Mr. Hale in, men and women. I've been expecting him." The voice spoke.
The fist that Saxton Hale threw stopped short of Recon's nose, enough to nudge his reading glasses out of place. The Australian didn't cave in the South Korean's face, not because of NEW Team's boss expecting him, but because the intercom used is even better made than the one he used for the last 50 years (the new intercom has no buzzing whatsoever, while the original may as well double as a buzz generator).
"Consider yourselves lucky, NEWbies..." Saxton drew his fist back and straightened his tie. The NEW Team put their weapons down, and stood aside as the massive Australian stepped through the door.
As soon as Saxton stepped into the office, the NEWs scrambled to close the door, and sealed it shut.
"I don't remember this office being so dark..." Saxton pointed out to himself when he notices that the office he used to own is now nearly pitch black instead of being fully lighted at every corner. In fact, only the spot that the Australian is currently standing on is shone upon by a spotlight, every other spots in the room are completely unlit.
"Ah, Mr. Hale, I've been wanting to see you as well. You came at the right moment..." A voice that sounded like a human's, but proven otherwise by the tone of speech greeted Saxton from an unlit corner.
Saxton Hale cracked his fists. "So you're the NEWs' boss. Why don't you show me your face before I go and crush it with my bare damn hands?"
The voice chuckled evilly. "There's a saying in Ninja's home country: Take it Easy."
"Taking things easy is not how we Australians do things!" Saxton became impatient, and was about to throw his fist at the source of the voice, when he realizes he have no idea exactly where the voice came from in the first place.
"Maybe you guys should..." The voice spoke again.
As that is said, something slowly inched its way toward the lit spot Saxton is standing on. The object stopped short of the edge of the light, but Saxton Hale is still able to make out a pair of feet and hands on harnesses that obviously belonged to a wheelchair.
Except, something strange about the limbs caught the massive Australian's attention: they are all partially robotic.
"...Because the Australian way is what gave me these implements..." The same voice emerged from the shadowy wheelchair-riding person, who then lifts his right hand up, and points his metallic index finger at Saxton Hale.
"EXTERMINATE!" A different voice, this one definitely robotic, shouts from behind the shadowy person. The shouting is followed by a shot from a Machina sniper rifle which hits Hale square in his chest.
Surprisingly, this bullet didn't bounce off Saxton Hale's skin. Instead, it went right through him as though he wasn't there.
Getting a gunshot wound for the first time since his first Half-Birthday, Saxton Hale collapsed on the ground, as pools of his own blood begins forming on the solid metal floor. "What... Impossible...!"
"That bullet was actually meant for The Administrator. But she had somehow disappeared before I can find her. Nevertheless, this bullet, made of an ore I named Anythium, can do anything I want it to do, including reversing the effects of Australium..." The shadowy person boasted, before he burst into an evil laugh that would've made any super-villain green with envy.
"Who... Are... You..." Saxton Hale struggled to ask, before he passed out from blood loss.
At that point, the NEW Team members opened the door, walked into the office, and started dragging the testosterone-filled Australian's body out, leaving a trail of blood behind.
"I am... The Mann Of Conspiracy..." The shadowy person answers evilly.
...
Location: Storage Shed, Gravel Outpost.
"Take this! And that! And this! And that!"
In the Gravel Storage Shed that has been converted into a training hall, Heavy can be seen punching a punching bag which has a photo of Josef Stalin taped to it. Behind the massive Russian is a pile of torn punching bags each having photos of the former Soviet dictator taped on them.
"POW! Ha ha!" Heavy then utterly annihilates the punching bag with a Quick Draw Kill-Taunt, sending it flying out of the Storage Shed and disappearing off the horizon.
Meanwhile in another corner, Scout is practicing his baseball-throwing skills by throwing the ball at a bull's eye which has a doodled photo of Justin Bieber taped to it. The Bostonian scored perfect accuracy so far.
Scout then decides to walk closer to the bull's eye, with the Sandman in hand. "Yo, what's up?" He then whacks the bull's eye several times with the wooden baseball bat. "What happened to your girl-attracting music, chucklenuts?" Scout continued whacking the photo of Justin Bieber, until the entire bull's eye came loose, and fell on the wooden floor. "Eat my dust!" He kicks dust into the photo multiple times.
"JARATE!" Sniper joined in all of a sudden, throwing a full jar of Jar-Based Karate at the same bull's eye. Scout dodged the Jarate by standing away from the bull's eye.
The Bostonian gave a thumb-up to Sniper in response. "Thanks, pal."
"Nah, that wanker deserved it." The Australian assassin said. "He shouldn't be singing at all, mate."
With that, Sniper went back to practicing his sniping skills by taking shots at several cardboard cutout Medics...
...Although he got interrupted - which in turn caused him to miss a target by a mere inch - when Soldier suddenly walked into the Storage Shed.
"Listen up, people!" Soldier shouted at Scout, Heavy and Sniper. "Engie has just successfully hacked into the database once more! Intel says that NEW Team has been challenged to a game of Capture The Flag, and it will be taking place in Dustbowl which isn't too far away from Gravel!"
"'Bout time!" Scout said excitingly.
"Sniper, get your camper warmed up!" Soldier told Sniper. "The game starts in ten minutes. If we're quick, we might just get there before it begins!"
"VAIT!" Heavy interrupted. "Vhat do we do vith tiny baby NEW Team?"
Soldier gave a straightforward response. "We'll observe how those numbskulls fight, and take notes of their strengths and weaknesses. Once we learn what their weaknesses are, we will challenge them to a final fight and our American boots will kick their international asses back to their home country!"
Pyro walked in from behind Soldier. With the Rainblower in hand (this time it was visible outside Pyroland), which he blows a volley of harmless rainbows and bubbles with into the sky, while laughing.
"Eh, wrong mood for the Rainblower, Pyro..." Soldier told the masked pyromaniac.
Pyro lowered the Rainblower, and sighed in disappointment. "Mmph..." [Sorry...]
With Soldier's announcement done, the REDs all left the Storage Shed as they made their way for the NEWs' game at Dustbowl.
Had any of the REDs stayed behind for any longer, they will have noticed that one of the Medic cutouts appears to be moving on its own.
"MeeM!" The Medic cutout cried out, just before a series of rapid shotgun clicking noises can be heard, followed by the cutout getting decapitated.
The rapid shotgun clicking continued for another two seconds, and is immediately followed by what sounds like a Soldier laughing creepily.
...
Time: 1234 Hour.
Location: Dustbowl, 1 KM from Gravel.
Although Engineer had gave Sniper's camper van several upgrades, it still wasn't fast enough to get the RED Team from Gravel to Dustbowl in ten minutes. Although most of the blame can be put on Medic wasting the entire team's time trying to catch Archimedes. That's the only time Heavy has called Medic "not credit to team".
Thankfully, the NEW Team's game seems to be still going on despite the REDs being late to it for over 20 minutes. That said, the REDs weren't the ones challenging the NEWs to a game of Capture The Flag.
Sniper scanned around Dustbowl using the scope of his Sniper Rifle. He located The Recon turtling in Engineer's favorite turtling spot which is a shack next to the first Point (the Point has been disabled because the current game isn't Control Point).
Engineer, who's watching the same spot felt disgusted. "That rip-off of me from South Korea is stealing mah' favorite turtling point!" The Texan emphasized. "Ah'm gonna lay him out!" He said angrily as he was about to jump into the battle.
Thankfully Heavy grabbed Engineer in the collar before the Texan can take another step. "Let us watch NEW Team. No watching, no victory..."
At the same time, Scout spots the Ninja, equipped with a stock Katana, rushing head on into a Level 3 Sentry Gun and actually destroying it without being killed, while not under the effects of Ubercharges or Bonk! Atomic Punches.
"Freakin' unbelievable!" Scout became green with envy, seeing the Japanese NEW female Mercenary pulling off something fully impossible for any Scouts.
Then something caught Scout's eye about that destroyed Sentry Gun: it was team-colored red.
"Hey, hard hat..." Scout turned toward Engineer. "Did you put that Sentry there?"
Engineer scoffed. "Son, Ah' haven't even taken a step into Dustbowl. That Sentry Gun which was just destroyed by Ninja definitely ain't mine."
"Then who did?" Soldier took notice of the oddity. "We all have been booted out of Mann Co, and Saxton Hale don't have anyone ready to replace us..."
The REDs then notices someone else charging toward Ninja with a Rescue Ranger shotgun. It was an Engineer...
...Or more precisely, a female RED Engineer.
"Fem-Gie?!" Engineer was surprised by the presence of his female counterpart in the field.
The Female Engineer is followed by what appears to be a Female Scout wielding the Atomizer, while under the effects of a can of Bonk! Atomic Punch, charging toward Ninja.
"Fem-Scout?!" Now it was Scout's turn to be surprised.
A Spy uncloaked, or was forcefully uncloaked, upon approaching Recon's Tesla Nest. The Recon's Jammer (his replacement of a Dispenser) did its job of completely draining the Female Spy's cloak, before his Mini Tesla (his replacement of a Sentry Gun) completely fries the Frenchwoman with electricity the same way it fried Spy back at 2Fort.
NEW Recon's Mini Tesla electrocuted FRED Spy.
"Domination, kekeke..." Recon said happily, as the tune indicating a Domination is heard.
Before anything else can happen, a bell rang three times to signify the end of a game, "NEW Striker has captured FREDs' Intelligence!", followed by the Administrator's voice announcing "Flawless DEFEAT, Female RED Team!" and a series of booing by a crowd.
As the fight enters Humiliation Mode, the Female REDs starts running around without their weapons, as the NEWs with their weapons given permanent Crit-Boosts begin hunting them down from one end of Dustbowl to another.
"Holy doolie!" Sniper exclaims. "These wankers won themselves another Flawless Victory!"
"I don't know, pal..." Even Scout became a bit afraid of the NEWs' prowess. "But I ain't gonna get my ass kicked flawlessly next time!"
The NEWs' kill-count begins to pile up in the ensuing Humiliation Mode. The REDs didn't have to actually look at each kill to know when one happens, because there is a newly installed Hovering Scoreboard keeping track of it.
NEW Ninja decapitated FRED Scout with stock Katana.
NEW Musician caved in FRED Heavy's skull with stock Weighted Violin.
NEW Mage jinxed FRED Pyro with stock Magic Wand.
NEW Inflictor used FRED Soldier as a dart board for her stock Dart Gun.
NEW Recon is Dominating FRED Spy for the second time!
NEW Alchemist has just Dominated FRED Medic!
NEW Sailor impaled FRED Sniper with Harpoon Gun.
NEW Striker backstabbed FRED Engineer with stock Combat Knife.
NEW Arsonist made chunky salsa out of FRED Demowoman with C4 Charge.
"Suddenly, Humiliating tiny baby teams is not fun anymore..." Heavy gave a backhand comment.
The Administrator made it clear that she's still watching the events unfold in Dustbowl.
"FRED Team, you have been defeated flawlessly by NEW Team, just like those imbeciles from RED Team!"
The Administrator's chiding actually drew complains from the REDs.
"What?! Who are you callin' imbeciles?!" Scout cried out angrily, and then responds by launching a Sandman ball at a megaphone. The ball missed, and lands on the ground of Dustbowl without hitting anyone.
This drew attention from both NEW Team and the currently respawning FRED Team.
Demoman, once again drunk, stood up brandishing his Grenade Launcher. "FIIIIIIREEEEEE!" In a literally drunken rage, the black Scottish Cyclops kicks Medic's Kritskrieg medigun to Ubercharge himself, and begins spamming Grenades at the direction of the NEWs whom have regrouped in one spot.
This surprised the FREDs and the rest of the REDs: Demoman's grenades are seemingly exploding in midair before they even got close enough to the NEWs to do any damage. Not only that, they always detonate prematurely at the exact same distance.
"What?!" Soldier exclaimed loudly. "A deflector shield?! Impossible!"
Just then, something large from the skies casted a shadow that covered the entirety of Dustbowl. Everyone turned toward it, except Demoman who is still spamming Crit-Boosted grenades at NEW Team. Scout raised his bat and gently whacked the drunk Scotsman in the back of his head, without turning his attention away from whatever's casting the huge shadow.
The object is revealed to be an enormous metallic grey airship. Its eight rocket thrusters pumped enough exhaust heat into Dustbowl to give the passing pigeons instantaneous heatstroke (but thankfully not hot enough to do the same to humans).
At this point, both the REDs and FREDs looked at the massive airship with stunned silence.
A bay door of some kind opened on the bottom of the airship, while it is hovering directly above NEW Team.
"ulineun dasi mannal geos ida..." [We shall meet again...] Striker said to the REDs and FREDs in Korean, right before he and his team gets... beamed off the ground ala Star Trek.
The massive grey airship, having just picked up its passengers, begins to hover higher above the ground, while blowing dusts into everyone's face, before it took off toward the mountains at a high speed.
Both the REDs and FREDs are left stunned.
"As agreed with the Copycat Wars, Mann Co, or what is left of it now owns all our assets! As such, FRED Team, you are all FIRED! F. I. R. E. D. FIRED!" The Administrator broke the silence hammily, before she can be heard storming out of her office through the megaphones (even slamming the office doors as she passed by them).
The REDs and FREDs are still stunned.
"Freakin' unbelievable!" Fem-Scout exclaims, much to the other FREDs' chagrin...
...
On the way back to Gravel, on board Sniper's camper van...
"You seein' it?!" Scout nudged Soldier angrily. "We ain't gonna beat them if they can win every fight flawlessly!"
Soldier made no reply.
"Oh, entire team is babies..." Heavy said sadly.
"At this rate, they're gonna be makin' bacon out of us!" Engineer strikes his opinion.
Pyro sighed, while holding a stick of marshmallows over an imaginary campfire.
"Ah, piss..." Sniper cursed when a shower of bird poop came out of nowhere and rained upon the windshield. He activated the wipers to try to clean it.
Soldier suddenly slammed his fist against the inside of the camper van, startling everyone else.
"Curse that bastard from North Korea!" Soldier expressed his anger when thinking of how the Striker and his NEW Team got away. "No, curse his new boss too! I've already had it back when his boss was still Kim Il-Sung! Now his new boss, who's also the boss of NEW Team should be destroyed for making a bunch of clowns out of us...!"
"...And us too!" The similarly toned voice of Fem-Soldier is heard coming from outside the camper van.
Curious as to the source of the voice, Scout opened the sun roof, and climbed out to take a look.
Fem-Soldier was there, alright. Hanging by the ladder outside an identical camper van that is driven by Fem-Sniper.
"Uh, guys?" Scout stammered as he tries to tell his teammates. "The FREDs are here..."
Hearing that, Soldier climbed out of the sun roof, almost shoving Scout off the camper van in the process, and looked at the identical camper van occupied by the REDs' female counterparts that are the FREDs.
"You ain't seeing things, pancakes." Fem-Scout said with her arms crossed, herself poking out of the sun roof.
"You guys are whoop-assed by the NEWs, right?" Fem-Engineer popped out from the sun roof. "Us girls are coming with you, and then we're gonna make bacon out of the NEWbies together!"
Soldier, due to obvious reasons, face-palmed. "Great, more women on the battlefield..."
...
Location: The Bridge, NEW Team's Carrier Airship.
Inside the already enormous Carrier Airship is the similarly scaled Bridge of the aircraft.
"Back in this massive airborne tin can that has a scaled-up replica of the bridge of the USS Enterprise from Star Trek..." Recon comments as he and the rest of the NEW Team walked into the spacious room.
Sat on a throne-like seat in the center of the Bridge is the NEWs' boss: the shadowy figure who calls himself the Mann Of Conspiracy.
"I assume your game with the FREDs is completely flawless. Is it, NEW?" The Mann Of Conspiracy asked the NEWs without turning around.
"Ahniyo..." [No...] Recon gave a straight response. "Their Pyro managed to set me on fire before my Mini-Tesla could kill her..." The South Korean technician shrugged when thinking of being on fire. "Good thing Mage came soon enough to throw me a Healing Potion..."
"Nobody said that W+M1-ing is completely useless, after all." Sailor reminds Recon.
Inflictor stood forward, and asked the Mann Of Conspiracy a question, "What of the original RED Team, Senor Conspiracy?"
The Mann Of Conspiracy, still having his back turned against the NEWs, raised his metallic right hand, showing just the index finger.
"Which is exactly why I have hired someone a bit... hungry... to deal with them..." The Mann responds.
Someone else walked to the side of the throne-like seat, brandishing an abnormally huge Shahanshah/ spike-covered Splendid Screen combo in his hands. At close inspection, he appears to be a Sniper, other than being jet black, having a beard, and the usual Sniper's crosshair symbol replaced by a biohazard symbol.
"It's like Christmas morning... for him..." The freakish Sniper commented on the situation.
...
Location: Gravel.
As Sniper parked his camper van in a vacant train wagon, Fem-Sniper decided to park hers next to it (actually outside that wagon since it has only enough room for one camper van).
"Now should I recalibrate the Respawn Module for the lassies?" Engineer, the first to get off Sniper's camper van, asked.
The response came in the form of Fem-Engineer's backhanded slap. "'Course ye should, boy!"
Engineer grunted in disappointment.
Amusingly, both RED Demoman and FRED Demowoman tripped down the steps of their respective teams' camper van and landed face-first on the floor, while still holding onto a bottle of scrumpy. Though it didn't make their team laugh one bit, given the situation they've gone through earlier.
"Listen up, people!" Soldier announced all of a sudden.
"Listen to him, girls!" Fem-Soldier tells the FREDs.
"We may not have learned about the NEWs' weaknesses, but now we at least have more people we can fight them with!" Soldier continued his announcement. "At this point, I don't care if our newest allies are women or not! We're gonna rip the NEWs and their boss several new asses!"
Before anyone could cheer, though, an entire slab of Buffalo Steak Sandvich (which is missing the bread, but who needs bread?) landed right on Soldier's face.
The WW2 veteran removed the offending steak from his face, and shouted, "HEAVY! What did I tell you about not leaving your lunch everywhere?!"
Heavy said innocently, "That wasn't me..."
Fem-Heavy said the same thing.
Soldier took another look at the Buffalo Steak Sandvich, then back at his team, and the FREDs. "If either Heavies didn't leave this behind, then who did?"
"Vait!" Both Medic and Fem-Medic called out in unison. "Ze steak appears to have a bite mark that does not appear human!"
Soldier looked at the Buffalo Steak Sandvich a third time, this time putting it right in front of his nose for a really close look.
Indeed, the nearly invisible bite mark on the steak does not belong to any human's.
At about the same time, the sound of abnormally rapid shotgun clicks can be heard echoing around the Gravel Outpost.
"Ah, crap..." Fem-Scout's face automatically went white.
"What's wrong, girl? You know this?" Fem-Spy asked Fem-Scout in confusion.
Fem-Scout grabbed her Force-A-Nature scattergun and loaded it. "That rapid shotgun clickin' only belongs to one freak we girls have witnessed before!"
Immediately, the sound of the REDs' makeshift satellite dish collapsing can be heard.
The REDs and FREDs turned toward the satellite dish, or where it stood seconds ago.
Currently standing on the decommissioned Point is a freakish RED-colored Soldier, covered in what is obviously human blood. Said Soldier's head is also tilted to one side, exposing his two eyes under his helmet.
The freakish Soldier looked at the REDs and FREDs, a series of shotgun clicks heard as he does so, and revealed a slasher smile that sent chills down the FREDs' spines.
"Mmph Mmph!" Pyro shouted at the freakish Soldier. However, his tone was so distorted nobody was sure what he's actually saying under that gas mask.
The freakish Soldier took several steps closer to the two teams. This time, sending chills down the RED's spines as they readied their own weapons.
The freakish Soldier pointed at himself, more shotgun clicks heard doing so, and said...
"I am Painis Cupcake! I will eat you!"
Afterwords
Are you stumped to see NEW Team fighting the female mercenaries, the NEWs' Carrier Airship, Saxton Hale getting killed,, an ore that surpasses Australium, AND the introduction of Painis Cupcake the cannibal Soldier Freak in the same chapter? This story is called the Mann Of Conspiracy! Of course there's going to be such a mind-blowing reveal!
And in case you're wondering. Yeah, that freakish Sniper standing next to the Mann Of Conspiracy is an equally famous Sniper Freak. You can guess his identity from the info I provided right there.
Shout-out index:
"EXTERMINATE!" - Daleks? in Team Fortress 2? Don't be kidding, that's definitely NOT a Dalek!
...Justin Bieber..." - In respect to Bieber fans, I don't mean anything offensive when I used him as Scout's target dummy. Sorry...
"Domination, kekeke..." - As much of a "Kekeke" as Zerg Rushes?
"You are FIRED! F.I.R.E.D. FIRED!" - Like how kitchen works in Ratatouille is serious business, the games in Team Fortress 2 are equally serious businesses.
...Star Trek... - Right there! Even if you're not a Trekkie, go kill yourself if you didn't get it.
That is all. "Poot punchline here..."