Forewords
Alright, now its time for a boss battle against one of the most popular TF2 Freaks: Painis Cupcake!
And in case you're wondering...
NO! THAT ENGINEER FREAK WITH THE DEFORMED FACE WILL NEVER EVER APPEAR IN THIS FIC!
Chapter 5: Hats And Cannibalism
Time: 1345 Hour; 1st of July, 2015.
Location: Train Station, Gravel Outpost.
The first person to fall victim to the freakish Soldier called Painis Cupcake is Scout, whose head was literally bitten off by the Freak with a single gulp. What horrifies the mercenaries even further is what Painis is doing to the headless corpse.
"He's eatin' him like he's bacon!" The Engineer exclaim.
"Good thing he can respawn..." Sniper said casually, as he takes aim with his Sniper Rifle. "But, we still need to kill this wanker." Sniper proceeds to land a headshot on Painis Cupcake.
But, said headshot did nothing more than inconvenience the cannibalistic Soldier Freak. In response, Painis slid on his stomach deeper into the compounds of Gravel.
"That son of a bitch is going to be a tough one..." Soldier said, as he cocks his Shotgun. "Ladies, you all should stay in the train. Let us men handle this Freak!" He tells the FREDs.
"What?! I beg to..." Fem-Scout was about to object, but was interrupted by Fem-Heavy.
"Let men do their job..." The massive female Russian tells the female Bostonian. "I fear no man. But that thing... it scares me..."
"We've seen what that thing can do back at Coaltown!" Fem-Soldier adds. "So its best we ladies leave it to the gentlemen!"
That said, the FREDs retreated into the train cart, with Fem-Heavy dragging by the collar Fem-Scout who is struggling.
"Let me at him! Let me at him!" Fem-Scout continues to struggle, until Fem-Pyro whacked her in the head with the blunt side of her Fire Axe.
Fem-Heavy suddenly comes back out, and dragged the still-drunk Fem-Demo by her feet into the train cart.
After seeing the FREDs locking themselves inside the train cart, Soldier turned back toward the REDs.
"Alright, maggots! We're going to crack some cannibal skulls!"
...
Hunting down and actually defeating a Freak is a matter comparable to even thinking of arm wrestling Saxton Hale. That said, Painis Cupcake has somehow managed to knock out the power grid of Gravel in the thirty seconds he spent inside the compound alone, leaving the corridors barely lit except by the tiny bit of sunlight from outside.
"Engie..." Soldier told Engineer. "You stand guard right here with a Sentry Nest. This is the only way that Cupcake freak can escape."
"Alrighty then!" Engineer acknowledges, as he begins setting up a Dispenser and Sentry at the entrance. "Ah'll tell you when he comes toward me!"
"And Sniper, you cover Engineer from a safe spot..." Soldier then tells the Sniper. "Don't go for his head, since he just resisted one like he was Saxton Hale. Instead, just try to land a shot on him."
At that point, Sniper has already positioned himself behind a stack of barrels, Sniper Rifle lock-and-loaded.
As Soldier was about to give orders to Demoman, the black Scottish Cyclops inched his way slowly toward the entrance, and while still drunk, laid down a set of Sticky Bombs around the doorway. The position of the Stickies around the doorway made their effectiveness questionable, but at least acceptable. After laying down the Sticky Trap, Demoman laid on the ground drunk again, while muttering gibberish.
Soldier turned back toward the rest of the REDs. "Pyro, Heavy, Medic, you three are coming with me. Spy, you know what to do."
Spy immediately put on his cloak, and disappeared into a puff of smoke.
"Right..." Soldier said as he leads the way into the compound. "Let's crack some Freak skull..."
...
Location: The Bridge, NEW Team's Carrier Airship.
While the Mann Of Conspiracy is watching over the RED's progress through a holographic screen, some of the NEW Team mercenaries are at a corner of the Bridge, minding their own business.
Sailor and Inflictor are arm wrestling with both their hands simultaneously; Musician is playing a classical tune on his Weighted Violin; Ninja and Mage are playing their second round of Old Maid card game; and Recon is somehow making a remote-controlled toy racecar from just a pile of Refined Metal.
"So, Conspiracy-Seongsang..." Recon broke the silence while playing around with the RC toy racecar he just made. "What reward did you promise that... cannibal with? Surely it isn't a meal, no?"
The Mann Of Conspiracy did not turn around. He simply raised his right hand. "Of course not, Recon. Let's just say its something none of your team have yet..."
"And it is...?" Recon asked again.
"Let's say... an upgrade..." The Mann casually replies.
The reply caused the present NEWs to drop their jaws. Sailor and Inflictor's double-arm wrestling resulted in the former winning the left hand and the latter the right within a split second; Musician not only broke note but drew the bow hard enough that one of the strings of the Weighted Violin snapped; Ninja and Mage freezing up (the latter quite literally) in surprise as the Old Maid cards slid out of their hands; and Recon's RC racecar crashed into a wall and somehow exploded in a small fireball.
"The brand-NEW Respawn-And-Ubercharge Nanomachines I've built to replace the REDs and BLUs' Respawn Modules and Ubercharging Hearts?" Recon exclaimed loudly. "You're giving him that?!"
The Mann Of Conspiracy put his hand down. "Why not?"
Why not? These two words will forever be imprinted in Recon's mind in regards to how he sees his boss.
...
Location: Gravel Outpost.
Several minutes into the hunt in the now pitch black corridor, and the REDs still haven't found any sign of Painis Cupcake anywhere.
"Soldier..." Medic broke the silence. "Do you have anything personal regarding ze NEW Striker?"
Soldier grunted when he heard that question. "Nothing..." He responded calmly.
Heavy gently placed one hand on Soldier's shoulder. "Do not lie, Soldier. You have something personal going on..."
The WW2 veteran remained silent, as he looks around the pitch black corridor for any sign of Painis Cupcake.
Heavy dragged Soldier back a step or two. "Soldier has vendetta against Striker..." The massive Russian said.
"You have fought ze Nazis, Soviets and Japanese in World War 2. But back at ze briefing, you mentioned having met ze Striker in ze Korean War..." Medic tells Soldier. "You also said you want to make him cease to exist. Vhy?"
"I don't want to talk about it..." Soldier replied with anger building up in his tone.
"Is it because, like Nazi Germany, North Korea - who Striker is working for then - took something or someone important to you?" Medic delivered another question that struck it home.
Said armor-piercing question caused Soldier to go into an anger-fueled rage, in which he turns around and fired a volley of four rockets at the Medic. Thanks to the unexplainable mechanics of Friendly Fireproof, all four rockets passed right through the German doctor harmlessly as though he wasn't there.
Even Pyro is scared by the WW2 veteran's sudden rage, dropping the Flamethrower on the (thankfully fireproof) wooden floor. "Mmph?!"
"You see, Herr Jane Doe..." Medic became all serious. "Vhy vill you become-fueled when asked such a question? Ze only explanation is zat you do have personal vendettas against Striker..."
Soldier grunted again, not responding for several seconds. Then...
"Okay, fine! But first we have some Freak skulls to crack!"
That said, Soldier led Heavy, Medic and Pyro deeper into the compound in search of Painis Cupcake...
...Not knowing that the Freak in question is currently hiding in the ceilings right above them, smiling quietly but insanely.
...
Location: RED Command Center, Gravel Outpost.
The REDs have already made their way into the Command Center, and there's still no sign of Painis Cupcake. Instead, there is the Scout, having just respawned, standing there while sulking.
"You seein' that?!" Scout said while pointing at his head. "He just freakin' bit my entire head off in one gulp!" He then grabs a Sandman baseball bat from nowhere. "I'm gonna bonk him!"
Before anyone could speak another word, the familiar sound of abnormally rapid shotgun clicks is heard echoing through the air vents. At the same time, an ominous music is somehow playing from out of nowhere.
"He's in the air vents!" Soldier said, as he pointed his Shotgun up above. The other REDs equipped their Secondary Weapons in response, with exception to Medic and Scout who equipped their Primary Weapons instead.
The echoing of rapid shotgun clicks continued to get louder with each passing second. Until...
...Painis Cupcake suddenly crashed through a vent lid, and landed on the floor on both feet. Soldier attempts to blast the Freak in the face with his Shotgun, but Painis manages to swipe it out of his hands before he can pull the trigger.
Medic fires his Syringe Gun at Painis. Though the syringes does hit him, the Freak doesn't even feel them as they bounced off his hide. Painis lunges toward Medic...
"Medic! Charge me!" Heavy shouted while brandishing Sasha the Minigun.
In what appeared to be two seconds, Medic switched to the Medigun, aimed it at Heavy, and deployed the Ubercharge, right at the moment Painis Cupcake pounced on him.
Hitting the Ubercharged German doctor bounced Painis several feet back.
"I AM BOOLETPROOF!" Heavy announced hammily, as he begins unloading Sasha on Painis while Ubercharged.
The volley of bullets caused the Freak to reel back and get pushed into a corner. Pyro used his Flamethrower to set Painis on fire, while Scout batted a Sandman Ball at the Freak's head to make sure he is stunned and thus cannot fight back while the others mow him down.
"CRY SOME MOAR!" Heavy said hammily once again, continuing to unload bullets after bullets into Painis...
...Until it suddenly runs out of ammo, along with the Ubercharge depleting.
"I am no longer charged!" Medic announced at the worst possible moment, causing all the present RED mercenaries to drop their jaws.
Painis seized this chance, and pointed a finger at Heavy and Medic. "If god have wanted you to live, he would not have created ME!" The Freak then proceeds to do a Taunt, and somehow Ubercharging himself without the means of a Medic on his side. The ominous music in the background has also been replaced with a very tense tune.
Seeing the Freak doing so caused the REDs to change their mind.
"RUN!" Soldier yells, as he runs out the hallway back toward the entrance.
The other REDs followed while yelling at the top of their lungs.
Painis Cupcake, Ubercharged, pursued his prey down the hallway.
...
Location: Train Yard, Gravel Outpost.
"Engineer!" Soldier called out while running toward the entrance with the other REDs, as Painis Cupcake continued to pursue them. "Get the Sentry ready! He's right behind us!"
The sound of a rapidly clicking shotgun tells the Engineer that its time for him to do his job. With one more whack of his Wrench, the Level 2 Sentry transformed into a Level 3.
As the REDs ran out of the entrance doorway, the Texan turned toward the approaching Painis Cupcake.
"Ah'm gonna take that dumb look right off your stupid face!"
Pulling a Wrangler from his inventory, Engineer aimed the beam, and by extension his Sentry Gun at the Freak, and fired.
Although the Sentry is unable to harm Painis (much less so when he's Ubercharged), it is able to slow him down quite a bit.
"Woo wee! Makin' bacon!" Engineer said happily.
But the Texan's smile faded when the Sentry ran out of ammunition, and Painis saw this as a chance to pounce on it, destroying it outright.
"I will eat you!" The Freak Soldier turned toward Engineer.
Engineer took a step back, scared of the monstrosity before him. But as soon as he sees Painis's self-Ubercharge depleting, "Demo!" He called out.
In response, the drunk black Scottish Cyclops suddenly stood up, "HA!" with the Stickybomb Launcher in hand, he arms the Sticky Trap he laid down on the same doorway earlier. "Ka-BEWM!" He proceeds to detonate the Stickies.
BOOM! All the Sticky Bombs went off simultaneously, enveloping Painis in a huge ball of fire that didn't do anything to Engineer due to the weird mechanics of Friendly Fireproof.
All the REDs watched the looming fireball erupting from just several feet away.
"That's what I'm talking about!" Scout said. As a form of taunting the cannibalistic Freak, he picked up the Buffallo Steak Sandvich and threw it into the fireball. The Steak instantly turned into charcoal literally upon touching the fireball.
"Oh, he's gonna glue himself back together... IN HELL!" Demoman comments in a drunken slur, and proceeds to fall back on the ground drunk.
"Now that's what I wanna see." Soldier said positively, but kept his Rocket Launcher aimed at the fireball anyway.
Sniper also kept his aim on where Painis Cupcake was standing prior to the explosion. "Have a plan to kill everyone you meet, especially Freaks..." The Astralian gunman told himself.
As the REDs continued to cheer, the familiar sound of a shotgun click can be heard, despite none of the mercenaries having their Shotguns out at the moment. Said shotgun click caused the REDs to stop cheering.
"Ah, piss..." Sniper deadpanned, foreseeing what is about to happen.
An all-too-familiar red streak emerged from the fireball, while emitting shotgun clicking noises, and is headed toward Sniper's position.
"Holy doolie!" The Australian panicked. Getting hold of a jar of Jarate, he threw it at the general direction of Painis Cupcake and, unfortunately, missed.
"I will eat you all and make medals out of your skulls!" Painis said furiously, as he stood up and prepared to pounce on Sniper.
Sniper panicked even further, and fired his Sniper Rifle at the Freak Soldier without even aiming. The shots either missed or bounced off him like he was Saxton Hale or something.
As Painis Cupcake approached Sniper, the cannibal's monstrous face displayed an evil smile. "I will eat you!"
Although someone else approaching from nowhere and meleeing the cannibal in the lower torso caused him to fall short of Sniper's position.
It was Fem-Scout, wielding the Boston Basher.
The female Bostonian approached Painis who was lying on the ground while groaning, and raised the Boston Basher, which she brought down on the Freak on a specific spot...
"I! Bonk! Your! Manhood!" Fem-Scout emphasized with each beat. "I bonk them all!"
The Freak laid on the ground, squealing in pain after... you should know why...
The REDs all watched with surprise. Particularly Scout, who dropped his jaw so far it might as well have penetrated the ground.
"Pretty ironic, considering his namesake..." Fem-Scout quipped.
The REDs turned toward the FREDs who are standing by the train cart they have locked themselves in earlier.
Fem-Soldier gave the gesture that translates into "She won't listen, and I have no choice."
Soldier face-palmed once, then turned his attention back on Painis Cupcake.
"What the...?!"
Soldier noticed that Painis Cupcake is wearing a Mercenary Badge that isn't imprinted with the Soldier Class Emblem (even though his shoulder emblem is still a Soldier Class's), but rather a jet black, unidentified emblem that has the words "Newly Established Warpath" imprinted on the outer ring.
"Engineer..." Soldier told the Texan, right before he lifted his Shovel up to knock Painis Cupcake out cold. "Go check the database we've hacked into, and see if you find anything useful."
"Now what should we do with this wanker?" Sniper asked, pointing at the cannibal Freak on the floor.
"I've got some questions to ask him about..." Soldier said with a serious tone. "Seems that he might know the NEW Team's boss..."
...
Time: 1445 Hour.
Location: Basement, Gravel Outpost.
"Soldier, Ah've found the info about NEW Team you wanted!" Engineer passed a sheet of paper to Soldier while the two REDs are walking down a corridor under Gravel. "Turns out these so-called Newly Established Warpath were founded shortly after we and the BLUs put an end to Gray Mann and his robots 50 years ago."
Soldier fetched the paper and began reading through it.
"Their boss, who calls himself the Mann Of Conspiracy, had personally handpicked each and every member of NEW Team!" Engineer continued his explanation. "You were right about Park-Joseon - The Striker being a former North Korean stormtrooper." He passed a sheet containing Striker's profile to Soldier.
"I mispronounced his name during that briefing?!" Soldier said in surprise. "His name is not Kim-Choson?"
"But the following surprised even me!" Engineer now passed the profile of The Recon to Soldier. "Jang-Hanguk, AKA The Recon is proven to be a lot smarter than I am. He was awarded a Nobel Technology Prize for making Nanotechnology possible, and Nanotechnology is the NEWs' version of the Respawn Module and also allowed them to Ubercharge themselves without the means of a Medic, or even a Medigun for that matter!"
"So I take it that NEW Team's gadgets are all made in South Korea, not Australia?" Soldier asks.
"And that's without Australium whatsoever!" Engineer responds. He passed yet another sheet to Soldier. "Even more surprising is Bernice, AKA The Mage. She's the one who caused the sinking of the Titanic by accident, and is also responsible for the airline that disappeared just last year, this time under orders from the Mann Of Conspiracy!"
"What does this Mann want with the world?" Soldier wonders. He then stopped walking as he approached a spacious room that is lit by only one ceiling lamp. "But regardless, I am going to squeeze the answers out of this cannibal Freak.
Directly under the ceiling lamp is Painis Cupcake, tied up from neck to toe with nylon cord to a chair that is also bolted to the floor.
Heavy stood next to the Freak Soldier, with his Killing Gloves Of Boxing ready. "I am ready to cause pain to Painis Cupcake!"
Grabbing the bucket of water from the floor, Soldier threw it at the Freak with all his might.
After being splashed with a face full of water (and being clonked in the head with a bucket), Painis Cupcake woke up, and turned his sight upon Soldier, shotgun clicking noise emitted with the slightest movement.
"Listen up, you cannibalistic rip-off of me!" The WW2 veteran told the cannibal before him. "I know you are working for the boss of the Newly Established Warpath team! Tell me everything I need to know!"
Painis Cupcake just sat there, keeping his mouth shut for a few seconds, before he taunts Soldier by spitting at him.
Soldier calmly wiped the saliva off his face. He turned to face Heavy. "Do your job, big guy." He and Engineer then takes a step back.
Heavy proceeds to walk in front of the tied-up Freak, and punched him in the very same specific spot that was beaten up by Fem-Scout earlier.
"Augh!" Painis yelped in response.
"Maybe I'm not clear enough, Freak..." Soldier said to Painis. "Tell me something about the NEW Team or their boss!"
Painis did not respond in anyway.
It didn't take Soldier giving an order for Heavy to deliver another three punches to Painis. The Freak cried out in pain with each punch.
"Ah'll give you an advice, buddy..." Engineer advices the tied-up Freak. "Normally you should be the one interrogating. But if you're the one being interrogated, you better give in to your opponent's demands. Especially Solly here, who interrogates in a rather unique way..."
"That's right." Soldier adds in as he cracked his fists. "So tell me what I need to know..."
Painis decided to keep his trap shut once again.
"Heavy..." Soldier told the massive Russian who is doing the actual interrogation. "Punch him as many times as you want."
Heavy proceeds to do what he is told to. "Take this! And that! And this! And that!" Each and every punch that follows are directed at the same spot.
After a dozen punches or so, Painis Cupcake couldn't stand the interrogation anymore, and finally gave in. "Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything you need to know about the Mann Of Conspiracy!"
The last three words caught the attention of Soldier. "Who is the Mann Of Conspiracy?"
Painis had enough of the interrogation, and decided to just spill everything to Soldier. "That's what the leader of the so-called Newly Established Warpath calls himself. Nobody, not even the NEWs themselves know where he came from, or who he really is. He just came out of nowhere fifty years ago, and have been building up the NEWs just to be able to defeat you REDs. NEW Team is built solely for war, unlike the RED and BLU Teams which are exaggerated construction crews."
"Exaggerated?!" Soldier almost went berserk upon hearing that word, but quickly calmed himself down. "You are lucky that's irrelevant right now. So keep talking..."
Painis continued spilling info to Soldier. "The Mann Of Conspiracy hired me to come and deal with you all permanently, even offering a large sum of reward plus something he called an 'Upgrade'. I don't know his motives, but there's definitely something personal judging by the way he told me to 'end the REDs'..."
That caught Soldier and Engineer's attention. "Now why would he have personal business with us? The only possible explanation is that we must've met him before..."
"I have had my own personal businesses before, so I know when someone else's having it..." Painis continued. "Just like how you have one with one of the NEW mercenaries..."
Soldier didn't say anything this time. He knew who Painis is talking about.
"That's it. I swear that's all I know about the Mann who hired me. There is no point in interrogating me any further..." Painis finishes talking.
Soldier remained silent for a few more second, before he gestured at Engineer and Heavy, "Come on, we're done with him here..." and starts walking back toward the basement entrance.
"Mister Sergeant Jane Doe..." Painis Cupcake delivers one last sentence, which surprised Soldier even further due to its nature. "You have no idea what you and your friends are getting yourselves into..."
Soldier did not reply, as he continued walking away. Though the Freak's warning does send chills down Heavy and Engineer's spines.
Scout suddenly appeared in the basement, and walked past Soldier and the others.
"Jeez!" The Bostonian said to the still tied-up Painis Cupcake. "You are one ugly motherfu**er!"
Painis could only groan disappointingly in response to Scout's comment, and it was a legendary one coming from him.
Afterwords
Seems that we have an enigma in the form of the story's titular villain: the Mann Of Conspiracy. Nobody knows where he came from, or who he really is. He dared to hire Painis Cupcake as a hitman, and, if our favorite cannibal Soldier Freak's last sentence is anything to go by, is one heck of an antagonist.
And whoops! Aside from Fem-Scout being a Big Damn Heroine for the REDs, the FREDs goes largely absent in this chapter. I will remedy this in later chapters.
Nanotechnology, from South Korea... Looks like technologies in the year 2015 of the TF2-verse have advanced incredibly far...
Shout-out index:
"You are one ugly motherfu**er!" - Is it right to compare Painis Cupcake to a Predator?
That is all. "Need a punchline here..."