CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Starsky stood in front of the nursery window, staring at the newborn infant lying in the bassinet marked with the tag 'Infant girl Starsky'.For reasons of his own, he had felt compelled to come to the hospital to see the baby that he had believed was his for most of Jessica's pregnancy. She looked just like him-and Nicky, with a head full of dark curls, an olive toned complexion instead of the ruddy redness of most newborns, and blue eyes so dark they looked almost black in the overhead lights.

"Her name is Nicole Marie. I named her after her father." Jessica's voice suddenly said from behind his left shoulder.

Starsky turned slowly and stared at his estranged wife without much warmth.

"So Nicky is the father," Starsky said coldly, her words confirming what he already knew in his heart.

"Of course he is." Jessica surprised him by admitting the truth for a change.

"Why? Why did you lie to me and make me think that she was mine?" Starsky demanded angrily, keeping his voice low since he was in a hospital.

"It was Nicky's idea. He didn't want to be saddled down with a kid. He said he wasn't like you," Jessica said bitterly. "I wanted to just take care of the problem, but Nicky said if I could find a way to hook up with you and make you think you were the daddy, we could get our hands on some money. Only you refused to put my name on anything."

"So our whole relationship was built on pack of lies."

Jessica shrugged her shoulders indifferently and glanced through the nursery window at the peacefully sleeping baby. "Nicky still doesn't want her and I never did, so I'm giving her up for adoption. She'll be better off that way."

She turned and slowly walked away.

Starsky sighed softly and stole one last look at his niece. It still hurt to know that she wasn't his after all. The last seven months of his life had all been built on a lie. But, he couldn't forget the milestones that he had shared with Jessica during some of her better moods: feeling the baby move for the first time, watching her stomach expand with each passing month, believing that the life she was carrying was one that he had helped to create and planning for the baby's impending birth. Milestones that he never expected to experience again. Swallowing back the lump in his throat, he turned and slowly walked away.

He was surprised to find Hutch waiting for him in the lobby. Spotting his partner, the blond stretched his long legs and stood up, walking over to his friend. "I kind of figured I might find you here when you didn't answer the radio. Did you see the baby?"

"Yeah…she looks just like Nicky," he said with a snort. "Me too for that matter. Jessica's giving her up for adoption. She doesn't want her any more than Nicky ever did."

"I'm sorry, buddy. I wish she could have been yours," Hutch said, as the two men left the building side by side.

"Me too," Starsky admitted with a tiny smile. "That's probably the closest I'll ever get to being a father."

"You don't know that. It could still happen."

"I don't think so, Hutch. I think I lost my chance at ever having the kids and the little white house with the picket fence when Terry died. I'll never get that close again." He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I have to call Ma and tell her the truth."

"From what I've seen, your mother is a strong lady. She'll be able to handle it," Hutch said, fondly remembering his own encounters with the feisty matriarch of the Starsky clan.

"Yeah," Starsky agreed with a smile. "She is…but she still needs to hear the whole story from me."

"Let's grab something to eat. You can call your mother later," Hutch suggested, hoping to lift Starsky's spirits with the promise of food.

The rest of their day was filled with mundane tasks. Since they were both still on desk duty that included filing charts, reviewing and typing up reports from other detectives, taking statements from witnesses or victims, and answering routine squad room calls. When they signed off for the day, Starsky declined Hutch's suggestion that they stop by The Pits on their way home. Tonight, he really felt the need to have some time alone with his thoughts. Dropping Hutch off at his apartment, Starsky headed for home.

He checked his mail as he pulled it from the box. Mostly bills and a letter from his mother. It could all wait till later. Letting himself into his empty apartment, he turned on the TV for some comforting background noise as he went into the bathroom to take a shower.

After his shower, he settled on the sofa and reached for the phone to call his mother in New York.

"Hey, Ma," He said when she answered. He tried to keep his tone light and upbeat but his mother knew him far too well to be fooled.

"What's wrong? Has something happened to Jessica or the baby?" Rachel Starsky demanded in his ear.

"Not exactly. Jessica had the baby. It's a little girl."

"That's wonderful!" Rachel gushed happily. "When can I come and see my granddaughter?"

"Ma, it's not that simple…Jessica and I are getting a divorce and she's giving the baby up for adoption."

"What? I don't understand."

"It's a long story but…the baby isn't mine. It belongs to Nicky."

"Nicky? Oh, God…what has that brother of yours done now?"

"Jessica and Nicky were together in New York. She was using the name Carla then."

"Jessica was Carla?" Rachel was quiet for several minutes as she processed this new information. When she finally spoke there was a solemn resignation in her voice. "I never liked that girl. But, that was the type of woman that Nicky seemed to like." She sighed deeply' "I can't believe that your brother and that woman would do something like this to you." Her voice gentled "Are you alright?"

"Hey, you know me. I'll be okay."

"What about Nicky and Jessica, or Carla, or whatever her name is…"

"I don't know, Ma, and I really don't care. As far as I'm concerned, they're both out of my life for good, and good riddance."

"They hurt you, and I will never forgive your brother for that. I've looked the other way too many times and let your brother get away with things I knew he shouldn't be doing…but not anymore. I'm coming out there for a few days."

"You don't have to do that. I told you I'll be okay."

"Don't argue with me, David. I'm coming, and that's final. I'll call you back when I know what flight I'll be on."

She hung up before Starsky could argue with her. The truth was the thought of spending some time letting his mother take care of him was exactly what he needed right now. Even a grown man still needed his mother now and then.