Gears of Comedy presents…
The New Man's Best Friend
by Stephanie G., aka MyFantasiWorld
Copyrights: Everything that is Gears of War belongs to Epic Games, People Can Fly, and The Coalition. Other material used here either belongs to me or other creators.
Rating: Rated M for language, violence and mild adult themes.
A/N: Another chapter refined and ready to view. By the way, there's a small terminology section before the story, so look it through so you know what I'll be using in it. And as always, enjoy and R&R.
Summary: Since dogs, cats, and every known animal are now considered as food instead of pets to the human society, will Rockworms instead take over as humanity's new man's best friend? Follow Delta Squad and many of their friends on this random journey as they struggle to harness a friendship with these stone-shelled, cave-dwelling, constant-eating creatures of Sera!
These are phrases you'll find in the story and what they mean:
1. Above The Snakes: if you were "above snakes", you were above ground - meaning still alive.
2. Addle-Pot: A spoiled sport/brat. (I tweaked that a bit from the real definition to fit the use for the story.)
Phrases are referenced out of a Western Slang, Lingo & Phrases site.
Chapter 3: Dizzy's Pet Farm
AFTER THREE HOURS HAVE PAST…
Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud!
The young Private Carmine huffed and puffed from exhaustion, stopped for a moment to relax his tired muscles, and then kept up his pace with the other four soldiers he was following. "Damn… this building… sure has… a lot of stairs! Whew!" he yelled out to them, visibly out of breath while running up the steps, "And we're… still on… the sixth floor!"
It was true. They were still on the sixth floor and they needed to reach Hoffman's office which was located on the tenth floor. Anya's room resided at the fifth floor of the COG's headquarters.
"Remind me again, Dom, why didn't we take the elevator?" Jace complained, following up with Carmine's logical statement.
THREE HOURS AGO INSIDE THE ELEVATOR…
Marcus stood in the middle of the small room, looking at the buttons flash from 6, then to 7, 8, 9, but didn't reach up to 10 for some reason. The elevator suddenly stopped at the tenth floor, but the doors didn't open for him. He raised his eyebrow and watched carefully to see if the flashing light would finally move up to the last button and open the doors. It didn't.
He tried to press it this time and waited patiently.
It didn't do anything.
He pressed it again.
Nothing.
He started to grow annoyed, and roughly pressed the button repeatedly, only to have it explode right into his face. He slowly opened his eyes with his face all covered in black soot.
The man didn't motion from his position, but only said, "Shit."
BACK AT THE STAIRS…
"Oh," Jace responded after being reminded about Marcus getting stuck in the elevator.
During all that time of reminiscing about Marcus' situation, though, they had finally reached the tenth floor. Jace had to stop and look at the sign that read "10th Floor" over the door in disbelief, while Dom, Cole, Tai, and the panting Carmine started to go through it.
Knowing now that whenever flashbacks would start to overcome their current events, just like what happened right now, time was going to instantly move forward to the significant parts of the event, no matter how far it was going to yet be performed.
Jace smirked incredulously and said to himself, "Thank god for narrative flashbacks!" before he went to catch up with the rest of the group.
As the five soldiers regrouped into one, they all ran straight for the elevator where Marcus was unfortunately stuck inside of.
Cole went up to the doors and knocked on the metal, "Yo, Marcus! Ya alright in there?"
"AAARRGH!" was the only response he received, rational enough to make him step away from the doors. Not only that, but it was the sound of a cocking gun that made him and then the rest of the group move ten feet into the hallway.
BANG! TING!
Everyone watched as the scarred man with a shotgun in hand step out of the elevator, crushing the ruined metal doors with his weight. "That's the last time I take the damn elevator…" he gruffly said.
Everyone, except Carmine, just stared at him unamused, not nearly surprised that Marcus was going to continue on his destructive rampage of shooting down everything in this story.
Dom responded, annoyed that they all climbed up the stairs for nothing, "Y'know, you could've done that a long time ago before we came here to save your ass."
Shrugging, he said, "Hindsights. What else is new?"
Carmine then reacted by running towards him, giving him an exaggerating hug. The Private sobbed, "MARCUS! YOU'RE ALIVE! WE THOUGHT YOU'D BE STUCK IN THERE FOREV-" Marcus punched him right in the face before he even finished his sentence.
"Let's just go find the worm…" the soldier sighed pinching his nose-bridge, then ran to wherever Hoffman's office was, making everyone else follow suit.
Carmine abruptly got up from the blow, like if he never gotten hit in the first place, and yelled out, "HEY, WAIT UP!"
While they passed through the hallway, they made themselves walk slowly to examine the dozens of holes the rockworm had been making throughout the place. They would appear around the corners of the hall, into other rooms, and even from the ceiling. But as they reached the Colonel's room, they eventually found a large hole gaping from the door.
"I don't think Hoffman would appreciate that," Dom said aloud.
Marcus then growled under his throat, and ran towards the door to open it roughly. Everyone else ran into the room and inspected the whole place to find any sign of the worm traced around there. There was none.
Good. That meant nothing was damaged. But then again, it was not so good.
"Good news! The flags were never eaten," Tai said in relief, looking at the COG flag Hoffman sworn to hurt anybody who might dare to lay a finger on it.
"Yeah, but the bad news is it's still out there," Marcus looked under the furniture and peeked into closets to make sure the worm had not been in the office at all, "Well, I guess it's all clear here."
"Let me see…" Tai thought aloud, making everyone huddle around him, "If I were a Rockworm, where would I go?"
Everyone thought for a while, except for Carmine, who was scratching his head and looking at the only large window of the room.
"I dunno… maybe into that big window over there," the Private pointed behind him, "Wait a minute… where's the glass?"
The soldiers looked at each other wide-eyed and turned to the area that used to be a window, realizing Carmine was right… for once. They all ran toward it and looked down from the height of the building, only to feel knots forming inside their guts when they saw a large, red splatter of blood, guts and rock parts, along with the missing glass, swimming in it on the pavement below.
Jace was the only one to break the silence, if only to create some dramatic effect for the readers, "Oh, shit…"
SAME TIME, SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY…
"Well, we're here…" Baird mumbled in displeasure at the number of hours it took to get to Dizzy's place, but that wasn't what was bothering him the most.
He hated the fact that he got slapped by the Lieutenant multiple times, who didn't appreciate him putting the moves on her while she was driving three hours non-stop. After what counted as the fifth and final slap he received from her, Baird switched seats with her so he had his hands preoccupied on the wheel instead of her legs.
When he stopped the engine, the blonde woman just glared at him with crossed arms. "Shit… talk about drama…" Baird whispered while rolling his eyes. He got out of the vehicle to go to her side and open the door for her, "Here you go, your Majesty." Anya still kept her arms in place as she got out, but her expression changed quickly as her mouth curled into a playful smirk. Baird just kept looking at her with a scowl.
She then sarcastically said, "Good boy!" as she reached out to pat his spiky, yet fluffy, hair. He stared at her unimpressed but flinched when he saw her finger point in front of his eyes and her smirk disintegrated into a frown. "Now… when we get in there, I don't want you touching me again! If you even try to lay a finger on me one more time, you're going to be sorry that I'll be using this on you!" She brought out a gun-like tazer and fired it up to intimidate him.
He looked at it surprisingly and then back at her. "Damn! You are one crazy hell of a woman!" Baird brought his hands up in surrender, but then smiled haughtily and said, "I like that."
BZZZZZTTTTT!
No sooner than he realized he was being shocked by her tazer with who-knows-how-many-bolts going through his body. She stopped shocking him and watched him fall to the ground, who twitched involuntary every five seconds with his hair messed up in a funny fashion.
She put the gun away into the pouch she carried it in, and the mechanic abruptly got up from the ground, fiercely yelling into her face, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING TO YOU JUST NOW!"
"That was for being an ass. Anyway, let's go and find Dizzy."
She started to walk towards the house that resembled like that of a cozy cabin but with a contrasting view of a barn built right next to it. As she continued her stroll, she began to whisper out loud purposely for Baird to hear, "I should've taken Marcus with me instead…"
"And what? So he can deflower you, instead?" The blonde questioned as he patted away the dust from his clothes and continued, "What does he have that I don't have?! He destroys everything, he practically hates everybody, and let's not forget he doesn't even care about your needs! He was the one who didn't want you to have something you cared about, so tell me… please, tell me!… WHAT MAKES HIM SO SPECIAL THAN ME?! And did I mention he destroys everything?"
Baird was shocked by the tazer again and he fell to the floor with small volts enveloping his body.
"Let's just get this over with," she sighed and turned her direction to the cabin.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
Anya was standing on the porch waiting to hear any footsteps approaching from the other side of the door. Baird was slanting himself on the logged bench next to her, eyeing the so-called dog that Dizzy kept chained in the field. Its name was Toby and this 'dog' he had wasn't actually a dog, but it was a Bloodmount. It kept staring at the two blondes almost as if it was studying their every move.
Baird shivered at its prolonged gaze at them and spoke mostly to himself, "Man, I don't know what Dizzy must be thinking keeping these things as pets! Not all of these Locusts are meant to be pets! What else is he going to have here? Tickers as chickens in a hen house? Reavers as flying horses in the back? Kryll as a bunch of parakeets in a bird cage?!" Baird looked away from Toby with a huff and tried to keep his attention somewhere else. When he did, though, his eyes bugged out to see exactly what he sarcastically foretold. In fact, there actually was Tickers, Reavers, and Kryll within the makeshift barn held behind the fencing, along with the Rockworms he knew Dizzy had.
As he took an inspection of the creatures, he noticed the Rockworms were enclosed in one area and huddled near each other like sheep, taking bites out of different vegetation spread about for them, especially the glowing fruits which were only found within the caverns of the Hollow. It's a wonder how Dizzy got more than a dozen for them to feed on, but he shouldn't digress. Tickers were gathered separate from them in another area as they feasted on many buckets of dead rats. Reavers were contained in another area for them to wander about and occasionally fly out into the forests to hunt for their own food, which Baird speculated by the number of bear and deer carcasses laying around them. Lastly, Kryll were caged in oversized bird cages and perched upside down like bats, sleeping out the day and awaiting for nighttime to awaken them.
Baird had to sigh from this turn of irony and shake his head to mutter, "I really hate this story…"
While the mechanic was hoping to get out as the main focus of this story's chapter, Anya was completely in her own world while she fiddled with her small earphone she'd thought to take with her. Before she and Baird left, she had made sure to get Marcus to carry around his own earphone in case she wanted to call him up and make sure he was doing his job.
Even if it wasn't the best way to know what he was actually doing, she trusted him no matter what, making it the reason why she had even avoided from contacting him all day long. But for some reason, she was now deciding if she should right now.
Just as she was about to activate her earphone, the door flung open to reveal Dizzy in his cowboy get-up he would usually wear when he went out in places. Instead of seeing the flamboyant smile that would form under his bushy beard, he looked really gloom with sadness crossing his face. Anya and Baird noticed this and looked at each other and back at him.
"Anya, Baird, it's good to see ya guys," his smile was weak, but it quickly faded away as he bowed his head slightly to look at the floor.
After moments of awkward silence Anya finally asked, "Dizzy? Is this a bad time for you? I'm sure we can visit you another day, if that's what you want."
Baird looked at her incredulous, not approving the fact they should waste another day to visit the farm again to just discuss about a Rockworm. However, Dizzy replied quickly, "No, no, not at all, Ma'am. It's just… Well, just c'mon inside. I hope y'all don't mind if I told ya what's keeping me under the coop."
"Of course, Dizzy, whatever you need."
"Oh great, more drama," Baird sighed out loud, making Anya elbow him in the gut.
AFTER HEARING AN "EMOTIONAL" STORY…
Baird and Anya stared at him blankly while Dizzy bawled out widely, grabbing tissue after tissue until he had five empty Kleenix tissue boxes laid around him.
"MA POOR BABY! OH, WHY'D YA HAVE TO GO! WHY'D YA HAVE TO TAKE ON DOSE DAMN WRETCHES LAST NIGHT! WHY!" Dizzy cried out as he pulled a picture from his pocket of himself in his dusty and battered-up suit hugging the tire of a rig vehicle, which he named Betty. The giant truck was even wearing a rather large bridal veil. When he took another eyeful of the picture, he started to cry even more.
After a moment of staring at the crying man, Baird quickly looked at his wrist pretending to check the time on a watch, "Well, would you look at the time! Man, this day has been short, hasn't it, Anya? Dizzy, it has been great chatting with you - really great - but I think it's time for us to go…"
"Stop it, Baird!" Anya slapped his shoulder and turned back to Dizzy, "I'm sorry to, um… hear that Dizzy. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there any way we can help?"
"And before you say anything," Baird crossed his arms, "Can you take care of her Rockworm, by any chance? She was wondering if you can keep it in your farm, since Hoffman has a case of butt-hole relapsing every time he sees them around his headquarters."
Dizzy started to calm himself down, but to their surprise, he automatically brightens up and stands up from his couch, making all of the tissues and boxes fall to the floor. "Sure thang, ma boy!" The western grabbed his cowboy hat, adjusted it to fit on his head, and walked towards the front door of his house, "Ya Rockworm would love to stay here! In fact, I'll give y'all the grand tour of ma barn to show ya this place is as safe as a carnival ride!" As he opened the door, he walked out like if he had no remorse for anything to begin with. The two visitors gave each other quizzical looks.
"I think he needs help," Baird finally said. Anya just etched her brows at him and went ahead to follow the tour guide with Baird trailing behind.
"TOBY! C'mere boy! I want ya to meet ma friends!" Dizzy called out towards the small doghouse that had the name "TOBY" written on the top of the opening in black paint.
"Oh no," Baird gasped, "He's calling that fucking Bloodmount! Quick, Anya, you go divert him while I make a run for it!" He pushed her off the porch roughly and hid behind a chair that was sitting at the end of it.
Anya just rolled her eyes and responded, "C'mon Baird… If Dizzy has kept this thing for a while with no trouble, I'm sure we can trust it."
"I'm warning you. DON'T. GO. NEAR. IT!"
Just then, the Bloodmount, named Toby, ran out quickly from the house, growling dangerously at Anya and clawing the air with his small uni-claws. Baird squeaked and ducked his head down behind the chair. Anya jumped a bit and giggled nervously at Toby's surprise attack. Dizzy, astonishingly, lowered to its level and started to pat it on the head. Instead of expecting to see it bite his hand off, Anya saw it began to relax and purr a little.
"It's okay, boy, take it easy! This here's ma friend, Anya." He turned to the female and called her out, "C'mon over here, Ma'am, and have a closer look at him, would ya? He only makes friends with ya smell. Weird, ain't it?"
She felt a bit uneasy at hearing what Dizzy had said, but went ahead to lower to its level too. As she slowly reached out a hand to rub its nose, Baird turned away to expect her being dismembered into pieces, but instead it started to sniff her hand a few times and purred for her to scratch its head.
"Wow!" Anya whispered in amazement, "This is so… unreal! Where did you get him?"
"Down at them bear caves while I was hunting in the forests," he pointed out in the distance over his barn where some sightings of green trees stood over the horizon, "It was when hunting season came around the corner, and I decided to bag myself some of them deer and bears. This one saved my ass from a bear attack! If he didn't, I wouldn't have been (1) above the snakes. Tough lit' fella, he is. Anyway, the poor thing was even cold and all alone with no mommy, so I took him in as ma own. Fair is fair."
"Aww…" Anya said while scratching Toby's head more, "That is real sweet of you. Now I wish I could have one, he's so adorable."
"I don't kid ya when I say this, Ma'am, but this beast can be an (2) addle-pot. If y'all like, though, ya can visit him anytime ya want."
Baird then interrupted, finding the courage to get up front with the Bloodmount himself, "Wow, that is interesting. I thought you had to communicate with them with some certain language or something."
"Not with these types of creatures, I don't think. But the worms, now that's a different story. I can't even figure out how them Locusts do it to make 'em listen at all."
Baird was reminded of something and lifted up his head from evaluating Toby, who was eyeing the blonde and hissing threateningly, making Anya move away. "That reminds me… Did you see any Locusts pass by here?"
"None, son. Why ya asking?"
"Well, I met up with a few of them a month ago snooping around my place. I tried to catch them, but they got away. I couldn't find them since then."
"So what if ya can't find them! They thought better enough to save their shitty-ass hides!"
Anya looked at Baird perplexed and responded, "Yeah, Baird, what are you trying to get at?"
Baird smirked and pointed at the cowboy, "Dizzy, you said Wretches appeared last night, right?"
"Yep."
"Well, Wretches don't make plans to damage a vehicle for no apparent reason. They gotta have some kind of purpose to do it."
Anya thought it over and lifted up her brows, "It's the Locusts! They probably sent the Wretches to destroy the rig so he wouldn't be able to go anywhere. Then that means these Locusts…"
"Are the same goddam ones that Blondie saw run away!" Dizzy finished the sentence for her.
Baird nodded, "Exactly!" but he looked down and frowned. "But it doesn't make sense. Why did they not get to Dizzy but instead destroy the vehicle?" He pondered over about missing piece of the puzzle until he jumped at the startling sound of Toby growling and pointing towards the dirt road.
The three of them turned to look to what was bothering the Bloodmount and saw a Ticker with the familiar imulsion-filled canister on its back tick away under the truck Baird and Anya drove in.
"Shit!" was the only thing Baird said as the truck exploded and pushed the three to the ground with its shockwave. The whole truck then flew up in the air dismembered into pieces. Lots of them fell into different areas around them, except for one which almost crushed Toby. However, he successfully dodged it and cowered into his small house for shelter.
As the dust clouds receded from sight and silence hung in the air, Dizzy got up slowly and grabbed his hat shaking off the dirt and grass from it. He placed it back on his head with ease, but was still shaken at the event that had just unfolded in front of him.
A few feet from him, Anya coughed a few times and noticed she had fallen on top of Baird. Baird looked at her and smiled devilishly. "This is probably the best first date I'll ever have." Anya huffed at him but frowned as she got up quickly to see what had happened.
The truck that was parked along the dirt road was gone. It was nothing but a small, black hole and the remains of a Ticker.
"Does that answer ya question, Baird?" Dizzy asked, hoping he knew the answer now. Baird shook his head to his answer while he got up to wipe the dirt clean off of his clothes.
For a moment, he was disappointed he didn't find the real intentions for the Locusts to destroy their vehicles and leave them stranded in the farthest place from the headquarters. Sure, he understood it would take a long time to get assistance to come and back them up if they were under attack, even with a Raven. He also knew Delta Squad's service to the COG has helped win many battles for them. They were a popular target for many of the Locusts out there who hoped to make a difference for their winnings. But the one thing that bothered him was why only them…
Now it just hit him.
He turned to look out into the dense forest and glower at it, almost as if it started to mock him for his mistake. He shouldn't have missed the opportunity to catch those Locusts the other day and prevent this unfolded dilemma, because now he realized they were hunting them down. Not only him, Anya, and Dizzy, but also the rest of the Delta crew.
Turning back at Dizzy, who waited in worried anticipation for an answer, Baird then replied in dissatisfaction, "Unfortunately, yes."
AFTER THREE MORE HOURS OF REACHING THE BOTTOM OF THE COG HEADQUARTERS…
"Huff… huff… huff…" Carmine was the last one to finally come out of the building and into the area where the remains of Blacky lay. He collapsed in front of the other exhausted soldiers and wiped his forehead from the running rivers of sweat. He then looked up at the sky to notice the sun was setting in the horizon.
"Well… I've had… my exercise… for the year…" Dom said through pants.
"Ah, man!… That worm is… dead!… Now what the hell… are we gonna do… now!," Cole laid back in exhaustion.
"We should… find another Rockworm… around here…It should be… no problem." Tai suggested.
"But… But what if… Anya and Baird… are on their way… right now?" Jace panted.
"I don't know, man," Dom replied, "but she'll… let us know when… when they're-"
KRRRR…. KRRRRRR!
Everyone stopped wheezing and looked up to hear the familiar crackling sound coming from Marcus' earphone. Marcus turned to them slowly and took a moment to stare at each other in worry.
"We're screwed, aren't we?" Dom stated.
Marcus then brought a finger to his lips gesturing Dom to be quiet, and concentrated on the sound from the earphone. A voice crackled in and it was Anya. Though he was fond of hearing her soft voice every time they talked through the earphone, he had wished he didn't at that moment.
"Marcus, come in. The reception is kind of weak, but can you hear me?" the earpiece crackled and went silent. Marcus looked at his friends, but went ahead to activate it.
"Yeah, I hear you, Anya. What's up?"
"Good. Well… how's Blacky? Is she okay? Did you give her the right amount of food like I told you to? If you didn't, then I think we're going to have a-"
Within the background, Baird interrupted her and yelled out, "Anya, not right now! Tell him what's going on!"
She sighed to herself, more likely towards Baird's interruption, but Marcus knew well enough to know she can tolerate many of Baird's shenanigans. It also seemed the interruption was brought up for some kind of other reason. This wasn't about the Rockworm, it was something else entirely. On the other hand, the four soldiers didn't pick up Baird's muffled voice in the call, and frantically huddled around the dead body. Anya then began to add in with a rather serious tone, "It's kind of urgent."
Marcus lifted his head up and looked back at everyone who had stopped from trying to hide the remains of the dead body behind a bush, now recognizing she was in distress and gathered around the soldier to wait for her response.
"Our truck just got destro… KRRRR… The Locusts… KRRRR… behind this."
Baird then responded in the background, "Great, the sun's almost do…KRRRR… you need to tell the… KRRRR… now!"
"Anya, what's going on? You're breaking up!" Marcus was now starting to worry. Even the group stared at each other in question for an answer, but nobody knew.
"Marcus…KRRRR… whatever you do… KRRRR… on't come… KRRRRRR!" The radio went dead.
"Anya? Can you hear me? Anya!"
No response.
"Son of a bitch."
BACK AT DIZZY'S FARM, SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST…
The sun had set down from the horizon, and on top of a tree hung a Locust Hunter, who grinned out his sharp, yellowing teeth while watching the sky turn black. He then turned to watch the three humans from a distance talking amongst each other, but audible enough to be heard.
Baird, who was arguing with Anya, burst out and said, "We wouldn't have been in this mess if you didn't have to keep us here and listen to Dizzy's stupid little story! We would've been done and out of here in seconds!"
Anya sternly replied, "For your information, we were all setup from the start even before we got here, so there was no way we could've known this was coming!"
While they continued on blaming each other, Dizzy tried to break it up by offering them some beer with a smile, but the only thing he got was a loud "NO!" at his face, forcing his facial hair to get static in one direction and the beer bottles to shatter into pieces.
The Locust Hunter sniffed in amusement at the humans' behaviors, and climbed down the branches to meet with his other Locust companion and said, "It's turning dark now, Louie, gather up the Wretches."
The Locust Drone named Louie didn't respond, though, because the Locust Hunter noticed he was sleeping. The Hunter grew furious and kicked Louie hard enough to knock him off the tree and send him falling down to hit into every branch that came into his path, and then meeting the ground with a loud thud. The Locust Hunter followed behind with a casual leap to make a perfect landing next to him.
Louie got up groggily grabbing his head and rubbed it, "Ow! I think I know how snowboarding down a rocky mountain would feel like! Oh, hey Steve, what's up?"
"You idiot, quit your bickering, we've got humans to slay!" Steve growled as he picked up his Locust partner off the ground.
"Oh, goodie! But how about we find something to eat, I'm starving!" Louie grabbed his growling stomach.
"Don't worry, dinner will be served… soon." The Hunter slyly said, and started to laugh menacingly as the Wretches came out from the shadows and cackled along with him.
While they continued their sinister laughing, Louie looked at them in confusion and broke in, "Eww! We don't eat humans!" Everyone stopped laughing and stared at the Drone.
Steve hand-palmed his face and yelled out, "You moron! Of course we don't eat humans, they do!" He pointed at the group of Wretches suddenly playing with each other like a bunch of puppies.
Louie looked up and pondered for a moment to finally acknowledge what he meant. "Oh! I get it now!" But he paused and saddened. "So, I'm not gonna eat?" Steve finally growled in frustration.
A/N: Alright, now you got yourself a plot! (As if there was one to begin with…)
Do you think Dizzy, Baird and Anya will be able to stand against the battle headed their way?
And will Marcus and the group find out what's going on before it's too late?
Or will they continue to find a replacement for Blacky?!
Well, I guess you'll find out in the next chapter!