All I Ever Will Be
Chapter 28 - All I Ever Will Be
The air was warm. Too warm, for the lab.
The guns were there for emergencies, so only she and two others had keys. Seemed stupid, really, to lock up the guns. The world had ended and they'd locked them behind bulletproof glass for "safety" reasons.
She didn't know what time it was. They'd tried to keep track but the clocks shitted out one too many times to say for sure. But it was dark and then sun would be up soon.
It was hopeless, she knew. She felt sorry for giving them hope, but they had to know - didn't they, that the world was hopeless? With Watson gone, there was just no use going on anymore.
The gun was heavy in her hands. It had been a long while since she'd held a loaded weapon. But her hands were steady as she stuck it in her mouth. The tears felt warm, sticky almost, against her palms. Crying. What use would that do her now?
Finger on the trigger, she pulled. It was like flipping a switch, or pushing a button or turning a handle on a door. That simple. Except with this motion, she released a bullet. It soared upwards, through her brain - a clean hole. A clean death.
As promised, Daryl went down to the bunker with Beth the next day.
Beth had been eager, her eyes shimmering with excitement, her body wiggling into loose jeans and a new shirt as Daryl dressed. He admired the eagerness Beth had. The hope. There was such little hope left in this world that it was a precious thing to see, let alone feel. He only wished he felt the same way.
It wasn't like he didn't want to. Of course he wanted to hope. But he knew the chances of anything happening with the scientist was slim - he could see it in her face. Disappointment. She had given up as she'd heard the news. And although he wanted to protect Beth, he needed to be there for her at this moment.
When the two of them had come downstairs, Rick and Michonne sat at the kitchen table, pouring over the blueprints of the house's property. Carl was feeding Judith directly from a large jar of applesauce, and Judith was grinning at him wildly with food running down her tiny chin. Daryl couldn't help himself - he smiled widely when he saw her.
He wondered if Judith would have hope like Beth did. Hope seemed so fragile, something only the innocent still carried with them. Though Beth had killed, she still carried that light around with her, no matter how dulled it might have gotten. It was still something you couldn't ignore. Daryl wondered how long Judith would have hers. He looked at Rick then, his face determined and stoic, Michonne looking at him steadily, though with affection. He knew this group would do whatever it took to keep that hope alive in Judith.
Beth had wandered into the pantry to grab them breakfast, throwing Daryl another wrapped granola bar and stuffing one for herself in her pocket.
"You goin' on a run today?" she asked suddenly, looking at Rick.
Rick looked up from the blueprints. "We are," he responded. "Goin' to see if there's any sign of the rest of the group."
Beth nodded. "We'll keep a good eye on Judith," was all she said.
There were no words about the bunker. The lab. The scientist. Beth had understood it wasn't going to be talked about unless something happened.
The rest of breakfast was quiet - slightly awkward. They'd been reunited and were now about to split up again. It seemed like suicide. They ignored it, like a family would if someone got too drunk at dinner. Avoided it.
Beth showed Rick, Michonne and Daryl the gun closet she had found in the study - few spare bullets, but nothing more. Then, her and Daryl helped them each pack a backpack full of supplies for their run, in case they were gone for a few days.
When it came time to leave, they all squeezed each other goodbye and Rick, Michonne and Carl exited the front door with Daryl swinging it shut behind them, locking himself, Beth and Judith in. And that was that. As quickly as they'd come, they'd left - in search of the rest of their team.
Daryl came into the kitchen where Beth was holding Judith and smiled at the two of them, the realization coming into his brain that they were alone. In the house. Like a family would be. Marriage. Kids. That had never been in his plan, but suddenly, standing there in the doorframe, watching Beth without her knowing, playing with that baby, he'd never wanted anything more in his life.
The bunker was cold. Beth had never realized how cold it was. It was strange to her. Georgia never really felt cold. But the bunker was cold and so was she. So she squeezed Judith to her chest and the baby tangled her fingers in Beth's blonde locks, tugging gently with a few coos.
Daryl led the way to the lab and Beth wished he would say something, but he didn't. She knew he didn't want to get her hopes up. He didn't want her to be disappointed, but she had to understand more. There had to be an end to this story. There just had to be.
The lab seemed father than it had been the last time they'd traveled there. Daryl pushed open the door they knew was there to reveal the circular room they'd left the day before. Beth entered, her eyes wide, watching as the lights flickered on. Though it was the second time they'd been in the room, it was still equally as impressive as the first time they'd seen it.
Beth beelined immediately for the small room with all of the monitors, although it was earlier than the woman had said she'd been there, Beth wanted to be down here, waiting - just in case. The lights breathed alive as she came into the small room, and she sat down on the floor, waiting, with Judith in her lap.
She could see Daryl outside the room, exploring, turning over beakers in his hands and opening cabinets loudly, trying to see if he could find anything they'd missed the day before. His footsteps were heavy, even on the concrete.
Time moved, though if it was slow or quick, Beth wasn't sure. Being underground was so incredibly disorienting, she couldn't tell if minutes or hours had passed.
Judith had fallen asleep in her arms when Daryl finally came into the room.
"Hey," he grunted, sitting down on the floor with her.
"Find anything good?" Beth asked.
He shook his head. "Nothin' but science stuff."
Beth smiled at him. "How long you think we've been down here?" she asked quietly.
Daryl shrugged. "Not sure," he said. "Why? You gettin' hungry? I can go up to grab us somethin' to eat."
Beth gave him a small grin. "Would you?" she asked
He nodded, then leaned forward to kiss her, pressing his lips gently to hers. It was casual and delicate in a way - much different than the kisses they'd shared the night before. Beth flushed as she thought of them together, already eager for the next time.
Pulling away, Daryl left them, getting to his feet with a grunt and disappearing.
Judith's hair was wispy and Beth stroked it with her fingertips, singing gently: I fell into the ocean, when you became my wife. I risked it all against the sea to have a better life. Marie you're the wild blue sky, and men do foolish things. You turn kings into beggars and beggars into kings.
When Daryl finally forced Beth to come upstairs with Judith, it was dark outside. The sun had been down for some time. He could tell because the grass was cold as he came outside to circle the property.
"Tomorrow," Beth had said, as she put Judith to sleep in their room. "Tomorrow she will come."
Daryl only nodded at her, grunting that he was going to check the perimeter before they want to bed for the night. Rick, Michonne and Carl hadn't returned but that was to be expected. He wasn't ready to keep fueling Beth's hope, yet he knew that he had to.
She was asleep by the time he came back upstairs and he felt guilt rise within him, unsure of how long he had been outside. It could have been a minute, or two hours - he couldn't tell. It was like time escaped them in this place.
The next day passed, though Beth's hope didn't waver. Though, as night came, and Michonne and Rick and Carl hadn't returned, Daryl's anxiety kicked in.
Two days passed after that and they felt long and heavy and sadder as each hour soared by and Daryl watched the woman he loved watch, hopelessly, towards a black monitor. He wondered if they'd imagined her - the woman who promised them a cure. He wondered if Carl and Rick and Michonne were still alive. He wondered if Beth would ever want to have a baby with him. And he felt guilty wondering about the last one.
One final day passed before Beth gave up, the hope drained from her eyes as she dragged herself up the metal staircase back into the massive house where they had been living. Daryl hated himself then, as he watched her from a distance, lay Judith to sleep and climbed into bed herself, not bothering to even take her shoes off.
"Beth?" he called her name, coming around the side of the bed to help her. He might not be good with this whole love thing, but even he knew she needed him noq. She laid in the bed, motionless, watching him as he ever so gently pulled off her boots, then her pants, leaving her in underwear and a shirt. She rolled over on him then, her face on folded hands, her tiny body shuddering as she cried herself to sleep.
Daryl climbed in beside her, wrapping his arms around her, knowing it was what she needed and he held her until the sun came.
Judith was crying, but Beth couldn't move. She couldn't open her eyes. She couldn't even be warmed with Daryl behind her.
It was over. Her hope was gone - shattered. She felt like nothing mattered.
She felt Daryl stir and climb out of bed. The crying soothed, and she heard him speaking to Judith in his deep voice. And then, they were gone. He had gone to feed her downstairs and Beth drifted away to sleep again.
When she finally opened her eyes, it was dark and she heard new voices downstairs. Michonne, Rick and Carl. She strained her ears to hear any sign of Glenn or Maggie, but heard nothing. Gone for a week with nothing to show for it. It was even worse that Beth and Daryl had nothing to show for their time away either.
She fell asleep again, and she wasn't sure for how long this time. It felt like days. Each time she woke, she felt like crying. So she'd sob, her body heaving in the bed, the shock overwhelming, the sadness suffocating, and then she'd sleep again, her body unable to cope.
Daryl would wake her occasionally, trying to rouse her to eat anything. He made her soup, oatmeal, pasta, even brought up the last bits of chocolate, but nothing seemed worth it.
Daryl was awake.
He couldn't stand it - Beth being like this. And nothing he was doing seemed to make it better.
So he had retreated into the garage. If food and water and holding her wouldn't work, maybe this would. He was doubting himself. Maybe she would think it was dumb. Maybe she would hate it. But he had to try.
There was a tool bench with a working light in the garage with various tools that looked so new he doubted they were ever used. Daryl had found plenty of coins in the house - the man, Watson, had been rich, there was no doubt about that, and so he started his project in the middle of the night, confident Beth and Judith would stay asleep as he worked.
He took a hammer and smoothed the edges of the coin carefully, then took a drill bit and hammered it down in the center, creating a hole. Then, over the course of a few hours he enlarged the hole in the center, sanded it down so that it was smooth, inside and out. He did it twice. A large one and a small one. Wedding rings. One for him and one for Beth.
"Beth?"
She heard him in her dream. In the dream she was in the rainforest, surrounded by green trees and the earthy smell of rain. The air was damp, though slightly refreshing. The moisture around he hid the fact that she had been crying. She knew it wasn't real, but it felt real enough. She had been searching for something, but had forgotten what it was.
Again, as he did in most of her dreams, Daryl came up beside her and called her name. "Beth?" He was touching her shoulder now.
She looked at him, the man she had fallen so deeply in love with. "I'm sorry Daryl," she said.
"What?"
The dream broke and Beth opened her eyes. Sunlight was pouring through the window and Daryl sat on the bed next to her, his hand stroking her hair. His other hand was closed in a fist.
"Sorry," she echoed what she'd said in the dream, because she meant it. It was enough. What would Maggie think? Or Hershel? They'd be ashamed that Beth was still acting like she had at the farm. Like she hadn't grown at all.
Daryl shook his head and watched her as she sat up in bed. "Don't you be sorry. I'm sorry," he said. "I couldn't protect you from this."
"How could you protect me?" Beth asked, instantly feeling guilty. Of course Daryl would eat up the blame. That's what he did - he thought everything was his fault.
"I got somethin' for you," Daryl said slowly, opening his hands.
They were metal circles, smooth and shiny - contrasting against Daryl's tanned skin, the sunlight reflecting off of them. Beth's heart jumped and her stomach went to her throat as Daryl slid off the bed and kneeled on the side, grabbing Beth's hands so she was forced to come to the edge, sitting with her legs dangling over the side.
He looked at her, his eyes so blue and bright beneath his dark hair that he tried to brush away from his face. "Beth Greene," he said gruffly, visibly nervous. "I don't know much, but I thought I was just supposed to be some no good redneck for the rest of my life. Even after the world ended, I wasn't good for nobody. Angry at the world. Never thought this would be how my life worked out, you know? But now I know, all I ever will be is meant to be with you. Love you. Take care of you."
Beth felt like she couldn't breathe, as he paused and then said, "Will you marry me?"
Her face broke into a wild smile, the sadness slowly pouring away from her chest, and she nodded forcefully at him. "Yes!" she cried, watching Daryl as he smiled then, sliding the ring over her finger and the one he'd made for himself over his own. And then she tackled him, jumping into his arms, her hands around his neck and he was kissing her and she was kissing him, rolling around like two kids in the grass.
When they finally came to a stand still and Beth had stopped crying, they just sat together, Beth's legs over Daryl's, facing each other. She'd laid her head on his shoulder, listening to his heart beat - just being.
"I love you," he whispered, fingers in her hair.
"I love you too."
There was no cure. There was no solution. It had floated away in the distance, but this, Beth realized, was enough. Not because it had to be. Not because she needed a distraction or something to cling on to, but because it was what was meant to be. Her and Daryl, as long as the world allowed it.
—FIN—