Chapter 7.
It's easy for Grace to figure out the reason for such exceptionally easy atmosphere in the squad-room.
''Boyd's not here yet?'' she suggests.
''And won't be coming at all today! Called me at some ungodly hour, told he's not feeling well and takes a day off,'' Spence informs her.
''In what sense 'not feeling well'...?''
Spence shrugs. ''A touch of flu or something like that I reckon. Sounded suspiciously quiet for himself. Nothing but a really sore throat would force Boyd to keep his voice down while giving orders.''
''He's probably caught that nasty bug circulating around here,'' Stella offers, ''half of the Met has been down with it already, so I've heard. I considered him immune to everything, but apparently he's still one of us earthlings after all,'' she jests.
''Or maybe he just started to regret his promise to give us that big treat and hopes to hide away until we forget all about it, ''Spence remarks, smirking.
''Don't worry, if you take care of all the dull paperwork for him the reward will be accordingly generous,'' Grace reassures him.
''Something to look forward then,'' Spence's smile becomes contented, ''besides, I don't mind doing paperwork the least bit if that's what it takes to ensure that guys like Nigel Brown will rot in prison for good.''
''A nice and quiet Boyd-free office day - that's somewhat treat itself,'' Stella chuckles. Spence joins her.
Grace shakes her head in mock reproval and heads to her office.
It's hard to concentrate on work this morning despite the peace and quiet. She doesn't like the state of things at all – neither the hectic behaviour of Boyd in past few weeks, nor his stony expression and distraction in the interview room last night. And she certainly doesn't buy the lame excuse for his absence, having witnessed more than one occasions of Boyd discharging himself from hospital against all common sense only to run back to work right away. A man like that would never take a day off due to some trivial cold or lousy feeling. Is he really starting to fail to pull himself together? She decides to give him a call and try to gauge his emotional sate. Not right away, that would seem meddlesome. A bit later and on the pretext of something work-related. She's definitely not going to stand by and watch him free fall.
Sunday afternoon has turned into late evening. Grace's living-room is warm and cosy. The psychology magazine with that intriguing article she's been looking forward to reading all week is waiting for her on the coffee table. She really should be enjoying the evening, instead of spending it on tenterhooks. The reason for her distress is ridiculous actually - Boyd is a grown man, and she by any means not his keeper, God forbid her from such thankless job. But it's just so unlike him to keep his phone switched off and not to check his voice mail either. She has tried the landline multiple times as well, without any luck. And now it's been almost three days... She keeps assuring herself that it doesn't necessarily mean something bad. The only reason why she hasn't jumped in her car and driven across the city to check on him yet is that persistently lingering doubt Eve's casual hint about Sarah's possible return has planted into her heart. If that really is the case, her unexpected appearance wouldn't do anybody any good.
The loud knock on her front door interrupts her reflection instantly. It's a very special kind of firm and demanding knock that you'd expect to be followed by loud and firm ''Open up! Police!''
She doesn't fail in guessing the identity of her late visitor. It is Boyd. A little bit different Boyd from the one she's used to seeing every day at work, though. The dress code for the weekend off is smart casual apparently, the suit replaced with well-worn jeans, white sweater and denim jacket. The man has armed him properly, a bottle of excellent red wine in one hand and a lovely rose in the other. The latter is definitely out of character as far as Boyd is concerned, but she knows he can do things like that on a whim.
''Can I come in, perhaps?'' He sounds a bit hesitant.
Grace starts to laugh, realising she's forgotten herself to contemplate him for far too long.
''I can't possibly leave a gentleman who brings me wine and roses standing on my doorstep, can I? By the way, what have I done to deserve all this?''
''Oh, just an humble attempt to make amends for not answering your calls,'' delivered with that all-conquering grin that makes holding a grudge against him utterly impossible.
She can't still help one little thorn. ''You seem to have recovered remarkably well from that mysterious deadly virus that took you down on Friday. Or should I perhaps wear a mask in your company to be on the safe side?''
''Oh that... wasn't quite so bad,'' Boyd looks embarrassed, ''and Spence just tends to jump into conclusions too easily.''
''I thought so,'' Grace nods knowingly. '' In fact I would have been much less worried for you if you really were down with the flu.''
''Sorry about that, you really shouldn't have...'' he starts regretfully. Then he seems to remember something that amuses him. ''To humour you – there is actually a pretty good chance I end up in bed with a nasty cold, considering all that ice-cream I've eaten in past few days,'' he chuckles.
Grace regards him quizzically, not sure what to think of such weird statement. She is immensely relieved to see no sign of the gloom and depression she had feared for. But something is still... quite not right with him. He gives his best to be the usual nonchalant, confident self, but the effort in it betrays him. If Boyd shows up at her place like this, there has to be a very good reason for it. The need to get something off his chest must be unbearable. There is no point in asking him directly, pushing him will usually give the opposite result. No, she has to be extra careful, or he might change his mind about confiding her altogether. Grace knows from bitter experience how easily that happens.
She gives him some time to calm and settle down, dealing with finding a suitable vase for the rose and collecting the wine glasses and bottle opener from the kitchen.
Boyd has discarded his jacket and taken place on the couch, legs stretched out.
Grace suppresses a chuckle at a fleeting thought what a nuisance manoeuvring around such long legs on daily basis might be.
Realising he's blocking her way, Boyd adjusts his position guiltily. He looks tense, as if waiting for a queue to start.
Grace leans back in the armchair, thoroughly enjoying the first sips of excellent red wine. ''So, what else have you done then, besides eating too much ice-cream?'' she probes.
Boyd's deep-rooted habit to keep things to himself makes opening up difficult. The self-conscious and wavering first steps needs to be overcome, but then there's no more holding back nor looking back.
Grace allows him to pour it all out, without any comments or questions. Until she really needs to intervene to restrain Boyd's characteristically excessive self-condemnation.
''Boyd, you can't establish your relationship with Erin on constant guilt and regret! Yes, it's wrong and hurtful that you didn't see her grow up and she would have certainly deserved to have a loving father from the very beginning, but you should focus on the future right now. What really counts is that you two finally met and got to know each other at all. She's only 11, you have got plenty of happy years together still ahead.
''And I nearly ruined that chance as well, didn't I?'', Boyd remarks gloomily. ''I can never forgive myself hurting her like that, for making her feel neglected and unwanted... There's absolutely no excuse for that. I just can't understand what the hell was wrong with me - as if there were a bloody wall around me that kept me from realising...''
Grace gives him a sympathetic smile. ''In a manner of speaking it really was a 'wall', created by your own subconsciousness to protect you''
''Protect me from what?'', he frowns in confusion. ''From my own child!?''
''From getting hurt again. The paradox is that loving someone dearly gives you someone to loose. You experienced the most painful loss ever possible. And with it all still raw, being a parent still equalling grief and sorrow for you, you were suddenly confronted with the fact that Luke wasn't the only one from whose life you were excluded for so many years. All this would be too much for anybody. Your inner defence mechanisms set to work to eliminate any possible recurrence of the heartache. Blocking out your emotions and keeping the physical distance provided some deceptive safety. Doesn't matter what Kelly's actual motives were, but she really did you a favour by forcing you out of the illusionary comfort-zone. I'm sure that one day you would have reached the comprehension yourself, but it would have cost a lot of valuable time. With Erin at your place things just escalated. What you still needed was that final trigger - Erin identifying herself as Luke's baby sister - and the wall came tumbling down.''
''I wasn't going to tell her about Luke at all, '' Boyd confesses, ''at least not right away. Thought it would be better this way...''
''Better for her or easier for you, rather?'' Grace proffers.
''Yeah... You're probably right,'' he concedes. ''I took extra care to put all Luke's things out of sight - just wasn't ready to face her questions. Last night she dragged everything back down from the loft, told me she wanted to get to know Luke better...''
''And it's hard for you?'', she suggests.
''Actually...,'' he swallows hard, ''it feels like getting a part of Luke back somehow. Does it sound crazy?''
''Absolutely not.'' she shakes her head slightly with an understanding smile. ''I've been trying to tell you for months that blocking out all your memories doesn't help, it won't diminish the pain and grief. The precious memories of our lost love one's help us to carry on. And telling Erin about Luke gives you a chance to cherish all the good things you remember of your son.''
''You know, we even visited the graveyard yesterday,'' Boyd reveals a bit hesitantly. ''She suggested it herself, wanted to show me where her grandmother was buried and after that we went to Luke's grave,'' he pauses for a moment, ''...and... standing there with Erin by my side, holding my hand, I felt peace for the first time in all these months.''
''You've both lost someone very dear recently and the way you help each other to cope is really good. Erin has experienced the same intense grief over her grandmother and that enables her to understand what losing Luke meant to you and even grasp your fears for her as well. You just have to be careful not to let her compassion turn into a need to make amends for her dead brother. That's not fair to her.''
''Amongst all other things.'' Boyd gives a deep sigh. ''I'm so afraid of saying or doing something wrong. After all these years I still can't figure out what and when exactly went so wrong with Luke. What if I do the same mistakes again? What if I ruin Erin's life as well?''
''I don't think you'll be able to make exactly the same mistakes. One very good cause to prevent that is the slightly disappointing issue that Erin herself pointed out – she's not a boy...'' Grace just needs to make that sting.
''Oh, for Christ's sake now you're starting with that as well... How could you possibly think that...''
''But there's a point in it still. And it's good actually, makes it easier to turn a fresh page.''
Boyd remains silent for a while.
''Being as fucked up as I am... maybe I'm beyond that point of fresh starts already?'' He sounds quite desperate.
Grace smiles reassuringly.
''Hardly. You've made a huge step forward already, finally admitting that there are issues you need to deal with.''
''Oh, I've been aware of that all along,'' he admits, ''there just wasn't much point to make the effort having left nothing but that wretched job and knowing well that the Met would kick me overboard in next couple of years regardless of any possible character reform. And now I've suddenly got so much to live for... I'll do anything for Erin's sake... The problem just is that all these therapies and shrinks, no matter how distinguished specialists, won't do me any good. I can't bring myself to confide in some stranger.'' He pauses before the earnest entreaty. ''Grace, you once told me that I can come to you when I really need help. Does this offer still hold? I know it's a bloody ungrateful task, but... will you still consider it?''
Grace looks the complicated man in front of her with compassion. When it comes to grief and pain, he buries it all deep inside, rejects all the offers to ease his burden and stubbornly bears his cross all alone. And now that something completely opposite happens – a positive, happy turn in his life - now he's at such a loss that makes him ask for help.
She moves next to him on the couch, takes his hand and squeezes it encouragingly.
''You can always come to me! Whenever you want, on your own terms. Don't be afraid - I'm not going to force my opinion on you how you should live your life or raise your daughter. What I will do is give a bit of advice, turn your attention to things you've missed yourself... And if I can be of any help to you, I'm very glad.''
''You have no idea how much you've already helped me.'' A completely sincere statement.
Boyd's gaze on her is so intense and there's something in his mesmerizing dark eyes that Grace hasn't seen there before, hasn't ever dared to hope seeing... Then his face is already too close. The unexpected kiss is good and ardent, and yes, for a moment the time just stops. When they draw apart eventually, there's such a triumphant 'can't believe myself I really dared!' schoolboy smile on Boyd's face that Grace just has to reach out her hand and ruffle the tousled fringe of silvery hair. She not entirely sure what this wonderful kiss really was - a spontaneous and slightly thoughtless expression of utter trust and gratitude or a revelation something much deeper that she thinks having momentarily seen in his eyes.
''Peter...,'' she starts, feeling a bit tongue-tied. To call him 'Boyd' on a moment like that seems absolutely impossible.
He gives an amused snort. ''I've only just come to terms with being called 'dad' again and now you suddenly decide to switch to my next to never used first name. I may end up in severe identity crises like that, you know!''
Grace starts to laugh. ''Rest assured,'' she promises, ''I will most certainly stick to 'Boyd' at work, no fear of any embarrassment in the squad room tomorrow morning.''
''If I'll be able to drag myself there at all,'' he shakes his head, ''three days in the company of a Duracell bunny – I'm completely worn out. All the things we've done and places we've been – you have no idea...''
''You two should take things a bit slower then, '' Grace smirks, ''all the catching up can't be done in just one weekend.''
''It's not that I didn't enjoy it,'' Boyd adds hurriedly, ''it was pure fun. I just need to get used to it .''
The smile on his face is sincere and long-lasting, very different from the tense fleeting ones she's seen in recent months.
But tired he certainly looks, emotionally probably much more than physically.
''What you need first of all is a good night sleep,'' Grace says decisively. ''You'd better go home and straight to bed now. And no more doubts or fears or guilty feelings tonight, just allow yourself to be peaceful and happy! You have every reason for that. Erin is not going to disappear anywhere... and... neither will I.''
That mysterious glint in the dark eyes is back and Grace realises he is about to kiss her again. She can't let that happen, not trusting herself to do the right thing after that, which certainly is sending him home tonight. She quickly reaches out her hand and places it against his chest - a warm and friendly touch, but cunningly creating the essential safe distance between them as well.''
''Please, Peter,'' she insists, ''you really have to get some rest.''
He gives a deep resigned sigh. ''As the good doctor orders.''
Such obedience is very uncharacteristic, just proving how exhausted and all over the place he really is.
Grace feels relieved he's not making things complicated. Tonight is not the night to rush in and make hasty decisions, one earth-moving life change at a time is just enough for Boyd. She sees Boyd out with a friendly hug and an exhortation to drive safely, trying to reconcile her own wildly protesting heart with an honest promise to find out the true meaning of that wonderful kiss in the nearest future.