Chapter Sixteen

I was walking around the edge of the lake not quite believing that Sirius and I had finally reached the moment where I was the only mystery left in our correspondence arrangement. I was about to push back my hair when the wind did it for me also knocking the letter from my hand and over to one of the trees by the lake.

I followed the letter and was about to pick it up when someone else did. I attempted not to look horrified as I stared straight into his eyes. I lump formed at the back of my throat and I swallowed several times to attempt to get rid of it.

He stared at the letter for a second before handing it to me.

"Here" he said, pushing it in my direction. "You dropped this."

I took the letter in my hand, taking my eyes off him and nodding curtly before attempting to move past him.

"I know," he whispered, which took me by surprise.

"Wha– what?" I asked staring back at him.

"I know," he repeated. "About your correspondence with Sirius."

"Oh," I said as it dawned on me. "I know you do… he told me."

"I haven't told him," he said as I stared at my shoes in an attempt to hide how foolish I felt.

His words suddenly made me snap. "Why haven't you told him? What is in it for you? The pleasure of seeing him for the first time in your life confused?"

My words took him aback but I didn't let him reply as I made my way back to the castle.

"There's nothing in it for me!" he yelled, as he ran behind me. "It's your decision…. And he knows that… that's why he doesn't press the matter."

"Why doesn't he? If he really feels anything for me as Crystal keeps saying then why doesn't he go out of his way to find me?"

We walked silently side by side through the grounds, the only sounds where that of the fierce wind and his heavy breathing.

"He's not ready for you," Remus replied as we reached the courtyard. I stopped in my tracks to face him. "He needs you to prepare him for this step but he doesn't have you… not really… not when you keep hiding instead of getting on to the page he's in waiting for you to join."

And with those words he left me standing in the middle of the courtyard clutching a letter she wasn't sure she wanted to reply anymore.

I went back to the Common Room where I met with Crystal.

"I had a very interesting conversation with Remus like five minutes ago," I told her as I dropped down on a chair.

"About what?" she asked cocking an eyebrow and closing the book she'd been reading just a second ago.

"Sirius." I replied. She nodded and got up heading toward our dormitory. I picked myself up from the chair and followed. By the time I reached it, Crystal was already sitting on the bed holding a letter in her hand.

"Have you replied to his letter yet?" she asked me as I sat on the edge of her bed. "No… I walked around the lake a bit to attempt to reply but I met Remus there and completely forgot what I was going to say."

She stared at the letter in her hand before asking "Can I read it?"

"Of course," I replied, giving her the crumpled letter and wondering what the mystery of the other one was.

Hey,

So… yeah I'm kind of back to my old self. Guess I missed breaking girls' hearts… not that that is a good thing but then again I'm Sirius Black "breaks hearts with one smile". Or at least that's what they say. I would like to not be reminded of that very dark week this term when I was very excitedly plotting my move on Crystal when Remus' smug self walked into the Common Room and announced for the first time in our Hogwarts years that he had a date (most of the other times were so low key we've thought he was ashamed of the girl… turns out he was just scared James and I would attempt a steal… how dare he?! Besides, most of the girls he goes for we don't like 'cause they aren't exactly fooling around type they are more of the COMMITMENT type and you know how I feel about that). Anyway, since you asked so nicely I might as well tell you… So yes Remus came in announced this date and about five minutes into our mocking he revealed it was her… needless to say I was so heart broken I moped for about five minutes before remembering that there are other fish in the sea and that if Remus went for her she must be commitment type and that turned out to be true so… there you go. And Remus won 'cause he made the move and I didn't and I wasn't about to attempt to snatch her from him. I mean, he's the friend that does my head in every once in a while I can't betray him that way.

Oh by all means attack me personally… Merlin knows I need a proper argument since lately it is all about "Sirius read the letter aloud" I'm in desperate need of mind-fucking challenges. Well, I do care about feelings… meaning if you deserve for me to care about feelings but if you give yourself no respect then I've got no reason to give you respect either. People need to sort themselves out before letting others in or bring others in that might help them sort themselves out. If you don't help yourself it ain't going to happen on its own.

Well considering I ran away from home… I don't think there is anywhere I am planning to be for the Christmas holidays except for Hogwarts… I could go with James but he's being a pain in the arse about this situation and I will most likely not suffer from separation anxiety… and also I just discovered he's not going home 'cause my personal life is "too juicy for me to miss!" Great prat… And if you want to roam the school well… just get an invisibility cloak and you will most likely find just about everything… if you need company well I can't help you there seeing as I don't know who you are, right? However if you are looking for something in particular well just write it out and I'll be sure to lure you to your desired place… he..

Yours truly,

Sirius Black

As she read his name in that quiet voice of hers, I thought I heard a slight hint of pity in her voice but I didn't ask.

"I don't think you should reply until you know what you want."

"What do you mean until I know what I want? It's just a harmless letter, though after talking to Remus I didn't really feel like replying but really what's is the point of not replying we're just friends… who don't know each other… but friends nonetheless…" I replied in almost one breath and with a prominent hint of anxiety at the thought of that mystery letter that was currently sitting on Crystal's lap.

"He doesn't want you to reply until you do," she said in a small voice.

"What?"

"I think you should read this," she told me, handing me the mystery letter.

Hey, so… I know I already replied to your letter but there is something I must tell you about before you reply to mine. Remus knows who you are and so does James and they are both working really hard to not tell me. A couple of weeks ago I would've been an annoying brat and attempted to extract this piece of information from them; however I have decided that I won't. If you don't want to tell me who you are that's fine, but you cannot expect me to hang around forever waiting for you to reveal yourself. Truth is, there you are probably the only girl I have ever connected with in my entire life. And if now it is not the time for you to be comfortable around me without this letter nonsense as a person I truly care about then I don't know what we're doing here. Maybe it is the wrong time for us to be friends or whatever. The decision is yours.

Yours truly,

Sirius Black

I folded the letter and attempted to enjoy the silence that ensued but Crystal's fidgeting and questioning look did not help me.

"Who gave you this letter?" I asked her finally.

"Remus," she said. "He told me that since he barely talks to you maybe I should be the one to give it to you."

"I guess that make sense."

"But you guys talked."

"It was an accident," I told her. "I was walking around the lake and the wind knocked the letter out of my hands and onto his … he gave it to me and then confessed that he knew everything and that Sirius is just waiting for me to make a move," I said chuckling. "Guess this confirms his pep talk."

"What are you going to do?" asked Crystal.

"Enjoy the Christmas holidays."

I pulled my eyes away from the window just in time to watch James walk into the dormitory.

"So… what are we doing this lovely Christmas holidays?" he asked casually as he dropped himself onto his bed.

"Well… you could start by paying what you owe," I replied matter of factly, moving by his bed and resting on one of the pillars.

"Paying what I owe?" he asked scrunching up his eyebrows in thought. "Oh," he said as it dawned on him. "Christmas. Tomorrow. Right."

He got off the bed and started looking through his trunk. "So you actually didn't hook up with either of them again or were we too busy watching your confused self moping around the dormitory to notice you sneaking into the astronomy tower with them?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What kind of man do you think I am?"

He chuckled. "A very sneaky one," he replied throwing a small bag at me. "At least I can still make those other hundred galleons if you hooked up with Ashley or Alicia or whoever before the end of the year."

"They are too shallow for my taste."

I could see the shock my words implemented on James' face. I made every effort to keep a straight face but was unable too. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Don't scare me like that, Padfoot, please… it's not good for my heart."

"Your face was too funny for me not to laugh… I meant what I said."

He raised an eyebrow. "So… this girl has actually changed you somewhat?"

"Well… kind of…" I said. "No one could ever change me but she still hit some nerves."

"Has she replied to your letter yet?"

"No… and I don't expect she will either," I told him without looking at him. "I hinted that if she didn't come to me I didn't want anything to do with her anymore."

"Why are you suddenly doing this, Sirius?"

I looked at him but didn't reply. He took this as a hint that I wouldn't tell him so he plopped himself down on his bed and attempted to take a nap.

I looked back out the window. I could see Remus standing by himself in the courtyard looking concerned.

"For the first time in my life I have a need to feel vulnerable."

James opened his eyes and stared at me but he didn't say anything.

"Want to go to Hogsmeade tonight?"

"Yeah," he replied and closed his eyes once again.

A/N: Hey there... long time... hehe... I am very sorry about the delay but my partner, Noc007, and I have decided that I will finish the story by myself so I've spent all this time making sure that I can portray her character even remotely as good as she has done it. Hopefully I'm doing a good job and you still enjoy the story.