Author's Notes:

There are some aspects of conversations taken from 3x05 and 3x10.

Sergeik – I wanted to PM you but couldn't through the site, so I'm reverting to a shout out here. I just wanted to say thanks for making a very valid point in one of your reviews about monogamy - I mentioned it in this chapter and I wanted to credit you for that. Thank you so much for all your comments and for sticking with my story.

And a huge thanks to everyone for all your love in the form of your awesome reviews and thoughts! You guys are the best!

Finally, thanks to Glasswrks for her advice; and to my Beta, Neytiri's Heart, for all her help and patience as I was seriously obsessing over this chapter.

Recommend listening to "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch, while reading.

Chapter 5 -"Dear Bo"

Dear Bo,

I am truly sorry that this is the way that you have to find out. It is not the way that I wanted to tell you but I knew that you would try to stop me from leaving if I said anything beforehand. I realize that this is a shock to you and probably doesn't make any sense. I do hope that by the time you finish reading this letter, you'll understand and maybe one day you will be able to forgive me for how I chose to handle this.

I made choices out of love, responsibility and guilt; the consequences of which has me as a slave to the Fae. There is no escaping this reality and I have to accept it because I have to – there is no other choice. I have never told you how much this existence has taken its toll on me; granted, I am surprised as some days are easier to handle than others. I think perhaps a reason why I never said anything before was because to vocalize it only cements the harsh reality and utter lack of hope for anything different. And I also never wanted you to look at me with pity or to do anything rash that would cause you to get into trouble.

This pendant around my neck tells everyone that I am a ward of the Ash and under his protection; but to me, it represents my prison. To say that all these years with the Fae have been difficult would be putting it mildly. I had to walk away from everyone and everything that I knew and loved. I am constantly considered inferior and insignificant to the point that I sometimes believe it; I am valued for only one thing yet still doubted because I am human; and living this existence devoid of emotional support, friendship and companionship has filled me with an overwhelming loneliness that is indescribable.

I have accepted that I will never have a normal life. I will never have complete control over my decisions – it can be over ruled or I can be thrown in the dungeon. I will never have happiness; a career; any recognition or appreciation for my efforts; have friends or a family. Such normal every day aspects of life are luxuries that are well beyond my grasp. These are aspects of a life that I signed away when I chose to save Nadia; or rather, when I was tricked into saving Nadia. I cannot even cry out for justice about this because as a slave, none is afforded me. So, I endure it.

Why do I tell you this now? Because I want you to know that meeting you gave me hope when I never thought it would be possible. You were the light in my very dark, meaningless and emotionally void existence. You made me stronger so that I could handle my life as it is. With you, I was able to be myself comfortably and completely – something that I've had to hide these past 6 years; and I can't tell you how incredibly freeing it was, to just be me. You made me happier than I could ever imagine; and you opened up my heart and soul to love again, something that I thought I would never experience again.

But these last few months, I haven't been happy. I haven't felt strong or confident. I have only felt empty, pathetic and lost. I told you in the past to accept who you are and to not change yourself for anyone or for any reason. It's time that I follow my own advice.

I've sacrificed so much for so long and I have nothing else to give – I am empty and I am tired. I gave you everything that I am Bo because I love you and I would do anything for you but the harsh reality is that it was never enough; I was never enough. And I feel that everything that I sacrificed was in vain – that it didn't make a difference to you; it didn't help our relationship; and in the end, I only feel used and taken for granted by the person I love with all my heart.

I realize that there are things that you don't know because you weren't privy to or because I didn't tell you. For the most part, I truly believed that things would get better; that it would pass. That because our relationship wasn't typical, we would have atypical obstacles; and that as long as we were together and were open and honest, we could get through anything.

I think we were like this in the beginning. We both tried to deny the inevitable, which was that you needed to feed off of others. I was willing to accept sharing that private, personal, intimate part of you that only I was supposed to experience. I'm not saying that you enjoyed this – I know you didn't; I know that it wasn't easy for you. I just want you to understand that it wasn't easy for me being on the sidelines knowing what was happening and being helpless to change our circumstances. However, it was knowing that you loved me and that you would always return to me that made this whole situation somewhat bearable.

Bit by bit, I felt myself giving more; bending more; because it was what was best for our relationship. I swallowed my hurt feelings when you fed off of Dyson. I understood that you needed to heal and he was there; and I would rather you be alive because you healed with him than be dead. But Bo, I don't know if you can comprehend how much that hurt me. To know that you had sex with your ex-lover, who had considered you to be his mate for life; a Fae that has made it no secret how much he looks down upon humans; and who has vocalized his derisive opinion of me on numerous occasions.

But still, I stood by you; even when you threatened my life. I stood by you because I believed in you and in us. I knew that our love for each other would allow us to weather any storm. However, I didn't take into account that our inability to communicate would be what would test us the most.

In order to feel useful and to help you in any way that I could, I worked day and night to try and create a formula to slow down your devolution but to no avail. The one thing that I was supposed to be good at – science – and I couldn't come through for you. That failure still eats at me despite your success with the Dawning. You were very understanding about my trying; but to me, it's the fact that I couldn't help you when you needed it the most. I considered it to be a failing on my part.

When it was time for the Dawning and you went into the Temple. I was so scared yet remained hopeful. And when you were victorious, I was just so relieved that you were safe. I was so proud of you and what you had accomplished. But unfortunately Dyson suffered a fatal injury and you took chi from everyone in the room to revive him. I truly understand why you did what you did and I understood your pain in knowing that he had died to help you; but in the moment after he regained consciousness – it was only then that I believed what the Kitsune told me previously – that Dyson had his love back. I saw how Dyson looked at you and how you looked at him; and in that instant, I knew that the Kitsune didn't lie to me. I knew that you were aware that Dyson had his love back and you never told me. I felt our relationship weaken and it frightened me that you were hiding the truth from me. Did it mean that you were happy that Dyson had his love back and that you wanted to go back to him? Only you can answer that; but what I do know, is that in that instance, you made me doubt your love for me and it shook my belief in us and what we shared.

But even with this realization that Dyson may want you back, I still wanted us to work. I wanted to believe that we could fix things and I desperately wanted us to try. I wanted to get past all this doubt. However, that all changed when Tamsin visited me early this morning; before you came to see me at the lab. She wanted to pick up a medical file for a case that I was working on and proceeded to tell me how she helped you with your training exercise in Brazenwood – which I was already aware of. What I didn't know - and which she was more than happy to tell me - was that at the end of the trial, you both kissed; that you didn't need to heal and you didn't take her chi. I thought: why would Tamsin lie? She had absolutely nothing to gain from telling me this except to cause me pain; and from the way that she took delight in telling me, I deduced that she was telling me the truth.

Our past conversations about dreams of wanting a family, the house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids, flashed through my mind. I then realized that the reason you weren't there to support me at my Award Ceremony was because you were busy with Tamsin. I always looked past your Succubus nature to see the person you are inside and after everything we've been through, I never thought that you would stray; that you would betray me like this and not be emotionally monogamous; and that you would think so little of me. I guess I was wrong.

But I do have to acknowledge my own part in all of this which is difficult to admit. Because who really wants to confess that one feels insecure in their relationship? To do so is to admit that one feels weak and lacks confidence. But in the spirit of honesty, I do recognize that my insecurities affected things – maybe not directly, but rather, it indirectly affected my reactions and my feelings – a cause and effect of sorts.

I know that as a human being, I will never be enough for you. It doesn't matter how much I love you – that doesn't change the fact that it is a failing of my biological make up that I cannot sustain you. Because of this, you have no choice but to turn to others to feed and I have no choice but to accept it. Knowing that it is my weakness as a human being that has put us both in this situation weighs on me heavily.

I also know that because of my mortality, we will never grow old together. There would be times that I would think of this and wonder how you would feel after I'm gone; and how unfair and painful that would be to you.

I am a slave to the Ash. Our relationship is frowned upon and to some, it is seen as an abomination. If Hale weren't the Ash, I most likely would've been thrown in a dungeon and punished a long time ago. I have only the freedom that they allow me. As such, my family and friends believe me to be dead. I am isolated and alone except for you. Your family and friends accept me because I am your girlfriend but if I weren't with you, I truly believe that they would have no dealings with me except in a professional capacity. Because of this, I battled with myself to not be clingy and to give you space whenever you needed it because I craved your companionship and friendship; your ability to care for me and protect me; and most of all the intimacy that we shared. I lived without all of this for so long that experiencing it was like coming upon an oasis in the desert.

And finally, Dyson. He will always represent everything that I cannot give you and is a constant reminder that I will never be enough for you. He is free, unrestricted and can do as he wishes. He can provide you with the chi you need in order to sustain and heal you more than you can with a human being. He can live thousands of years by your side and provide you with a normal life, without fear of consequence. He will always be your first meaningful relationship since Kyle and as such, there is a connection that cannot be broken. It is for all these reasons that I have always been fearful that you would leave me for him.

With that said, the person you gravitated to was the last person that I would ever expect – the Dark Fae that wanted to imprison you - Tamsin. Nevertheless, I see the signs loud and clear - you made your choice and you chose Fae. I just wish you had respected me enough to tell me. I thought we meant more to each other to warrant that.

I told you once that the secret to any relationship is trust, understanding and compromise. I say this with a heavy heart but I find it difficult to trust you in light of everything that has happened recently with you and Dyson and Tamsin. And after all the obstacles that we faced together, I can't help but feel that I have compromised more and more of myself to make things work; and in the process, I lost my sense of self. This makes me feel insignificant and unappreciated - all things that the Fae make me feel every single day but which, I never expected you to make me feel.

I don't say this to be hurtful but rather to be honest, something that I suppose I have Tamsin to thank for. We have skirted around the truth to avoid hurting one another; or because there was always some Fae-pocalypse as Kenzi would say; or something more important that was always preventing us from addressing our issues. And I understand Bo, I do. You are meant for great things with the Fae and I was willing to share you because I understood that but to be repeatedly cast aside as if I didn't matter or hold any priority in your life? I can't do that anymore. I can't let you continue to treat me like that because I will grow to resent you like I do my 'masters'. I love you too much to go down that path.

I can only tell you how I feel; whether or not you understand it, is beyond my control. I just wanted you to know why I've made the choices that I have. And that's why I'm making this decision - I'm walking away from our relationship before whatever we have left of our friendship becomes irreparable.

I love you Bo; more than I ever thought it was possible to love another. I will never regret our time together because you gave me more than you could ever imagine and at a time when I needed it the most. But I need to follow my own advice. I need to accept who I am and my situation and not change myself for anyone. I need time to regain my sense of self; to heal and to focus on my abilities. Science and medicine are all that I've ever had to get me through all these years with the Fae. I need time to concentrate on that because I can't get through another minute of another day in this life, feeling the way I feel right now - I won't survive. This assignment gives me the time and space that I need. Understand that I have to do this because I only have me to depend on; and right now, I am broken.

For what it's worth, I am sorry for the issues that I brought to our relationship. I truly wanted us to work. I love you with all my heart and with all that I am. And I can't ever see that changing.

Take care of yourself Bo.

Love always,
Lauren

Bo sat on the couch, numb; her thoughts and emotions a jumbled mess as Lauren's words raced through her mind. She sat there sobbing uncontrollably; clutching Lauren's letter in one hand and burying her face in the other; her tears meandering down her cheeks and fingers; her girlfriend's lab coat abandoned at her side.

Suddenly, her stomach lurched. She dropped everything, jumped off of the couch and ran to the kitchen quickly; finding the trash can just in time to retch into it. Bo went to the sink and washed her hands and face. She still could taste bile in her mouth despite rinsing thoroughly; she imagined it would be awhile before that taste would go away. After a few moments, Bo turned off the water and rested her hands on the counter. Leaning forward, she watched as the water travelled down the drain; the imagery not lost on her as she felt her own life spiralling out of control. Here she was with the Dawning behind her; being all too relieved that she didn't devolve; and all she wanted to do was to focus on her relationship with Lauren only to find out that she was too late; Lauren had had enough. Tears were flowing down her cheeks; and her heart felt burdened.

How could I let things get to this point?

How could I be so blind to her pain?

And how could I be so caught up in myself to not know that I was hurting her?

How could I not know!?

I let Lauren slip away.

And now she is gone.

I hurt her so much that she felt that she had to run away. From me!

She said that she was broken. What she meant was that I broke her.

Lauren - the strongest, most patient, loving and caring person I know; and I broke her.

Ha! Leave it to me to do the impossible.

I always wanted her to be free. Who would've thought that it would be me that she needed to be free from?

It takes some serious skill to break her down when the Fae couldn't after all these years; not even everything with Nadia….

God dammit!

Bo wanted to lash out; to throw or hit something but there was nothing within reach. Maybe it was for the best, she didn't want to wreck Lauren's home. She wrecked enough of Lauren's life as it was.

I really fucked this up!

I threw our relationship away.

Lauren thinks that I don't love or appreciate her; and that I never considered her important.

She thinks that I didn't choose her and that I used her just like all the other Fae have.

She's everything to me! She is my heart; my love…

Yet she left here thinking that what we had meant nothing… that she meant nothing to me.

The person who she loved and trusted the most in her life made her feel worthless and unloved.

God, what she must be going through.

The thought of the pain and sorrow that Lauren must be feeling right now because of her, sent another spasm through the brunette. Her body recoiled at the thought of how much she hurt her girlfriend. Bo turned and vomited into the trash can again. By the time she was done, her stomach was beyond empty and her throat raw from the physical exertion. Bo sat there, loathing herself.

She didn't know how much time had passed with her sitting on the floor; her elbows were propped up on her knees and her face was buried in her hands. Bo felt numb; her eyes were red and her cheeks were stained with tears. The brunette didn't know what to do or how to feel. The only thought that registered in her mind was that she needed alcohol; lots of alcohol.

Bo stood up and made her way to the fridge. There she found a bottle of champagne and two bottles of white wine, one of which was open. The champagne was most likely left over from the night she was supposed to celebrate Lauren's award and it was yet another reminder of how she let her girlfriend down. Bo grabbed all three bottles and a corkscrew and placed them on the coffee table in the living room. With the open wine bottle in hand, she took a swig out of it while she walked around the apartment in a daze. She eventually found herself standing in front of Lauren's lab; her award perched on the desk. Bo took another mouthful of wine and with her index finger, gently traced Lauren's name which was engraved upon the award. Bo didn't think she could contain the sadness within her; she was drowning in it; the sorrow overwhelmed her. Seeing the physical reminder of how she took Lauren for granted – staring at her in the form of a glass award - she didn't think she could feel any more guilt, shame and anger for herself than she did right now.

Turning away, Bo made her way back to the couch, plopping down onto it. She felt hopeless and helpless. She tipped her head back and chugged back the wine, drinking it to the last drop. The brunette hoped that the wine would cleanse the taste of bile that still remained in her mouth but it didn't. Discarding the bottle on the floor, she opened the second bottle of wine and took a swig. Bo looked at the letter that was resting on the couch next to Lauren's lab coat and with her free hand, unconsciously wiped her cheek to brush away a stray tear. She knew that re-reading it would only reinforce the pain that she felt, but she also knew that she would read the letter over and over as it was the last thing that she had from Lauren. Plus, Bo felt that she deserved to feel horribly for hurting the woman she loved. She reached out across the couch to pick up the letter and with a deep breath, started to read it.

Meanwhile thousands of miles in the air

Lauren was onboard a Boeing Business Jet 3 VIP Airliner. She was surprised that she absorbed that much information from the flight attendant's safety brief, seeing that she was in an emotional fog.

Lauren was focused on one thing – keeping it together until the seat belt sign was turned off. As soon as it happened she would make a bee line for the bathroom for privacy. Until then, she tried to preoccupy her mind. The blonde looked around the interior of the jet and was amazed by the lavishness contained within. The cabin was incredibly spacious, with leather seats, tables, a couple leather sofas, a full galley and a couple of LED TV's throughout. As she looked down the corridor from where she sat, she could see the bathroom and another area that looked like a bedroom. She was definitely flying in the lap of luxury.

A few moments later the seat belt sign was turned off and Lauren wasted no time in unbuckling her belt and making her way to the bathroom. It was the size of a full bathroom complete with a shower - at least four airplane washroom closets combined. The blonde was just relieved that she was able to keep herself collected; she locked the door behind her and allowed herself to crumble. Lauren sat on the toilet and cried. Even though she knew all the reasons why she made this decision, hearing Bo's voice pleading for her to stay broke her heart even further and made her doubt her actions - that maybe she was wrong and should've stayed. But the blonde knew that she needed to sort out her feelings and re-group and she couldn't do that there.

Lauren was physically and emotionally exhausted. It was an incredibly long day and she just wanted to not think or feel; just sleep. The rational doctor in her took over and forced her to do just that. She was on auto pilot now. She washed and dried her face to remove any signs that she had been crying. Her eyes were a bit red but it wasn't overly obvious - she could say that she was tired, which wasn't a lie. Lauren took a deep breath and exited the bathroom.

Serena had been observing the doctor. She knew that she was upset from her phone call in the airport and guessed that it might have something to do with the unaligned Succubus. The Ignis had heard rumours of their friendship but never heeded it; it was none of her concern and didn't affect her. Now that she was assigned to protect the doctor, it may become her business whether she liked it or not. But she would leave it be for now; they were going to Brazil and would be far, far away from everyone that they knew. She would give Dr. Lewis the privacy that she obviously wanted and would not pry unless it was necessary. Serena looked up as Lauren approached her, saying that she was tired and was going to get some rest. The Light Fae nodded and said good night.

Lauren walked to the far end of the corridor where the bedroom was located. There was a curtain separating the room from the remainder of the cabin; providing the much needed seclusion that she wanted. In the space, there was a double bed covered with a white comforter and numerous extraneous pillows; a bedside table and a reading chair. Lauren undressed, remaining in her bra and panties. She took an item out of her pants pocket before carefully folding her clothes and placing it on the chair.

Once under the sheets, Lauren turned onto her side and sighed; tears resurfacing again. In her hand was a picture of her and Bo during happier times. They had taken a photo of themselves while they were on the couch in her apartment. She couldn't remember what they were laughing at, except that they were very happy and were enjoying themselves. She knew that she shouldn't have brought the photo with her but she couldn't bear not having a physical reminder of Bo, even though it defied all logic as to why she fought for this assignment. At the time of packing, she reasoned that it would act as a reminder of why she needed to get away. This photo was a 'catch-22' but right now Lauren didn't care; she was too exhausted. She had run through a gamut of emotions today and was physically and emotionally spent. Sleep was beckoning to her as her eyelids grew heavy. Within minutes she was asleep in the fetal position; the photo clutched in her hand next to her heart.

TBC

Author's Notes:

I hope this chapter was worth the wait. Trust me when I say that it wasn't easy to write as it took numerous revisions (thanks for your patience Neytiri!). So, when I said I was obsessing over it, I wasn't kidding. I wanted to get it right… I hope that I did.

With that said, I would really value your input for this chapter as a LOT went into it. If you have something to add, whether it be glowing or constructive criticism, I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.