"To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring ourselves."

-Federica Garcia Lorca

Jennifer was currently sitting in the shared common area of her cadet quarters across from her boyfriend of the last six months having the talk. Yes, that talk.

She knew it was going to happen eventually, and really, there were no hard feelings, but she was sort of hoping that it would have waited until the bond with Satek had been broken, which was supposed to happen over winter break if all went well. Which in her case, just might not happen until spring break. She had told Satek this in their last communication, stating that she wasn't sure if she would be able to make it to Vulcan or not as of yet due to how many projects she had going this semester that needed to be completed, and two of those projects weren't even for her classes, well not expressly for this semester's classes anyway. They were more like projects that she had begun at the beginning of the semester of her final year at the academy that she needed to do in order to graduate on time.

"It's okay, Andrew, really. We both knew one of us was going to eventually call this off. That was kind of the whole point to the arrangement in the first place." Jennifer told her gay boyfriend.

"I just feel bad because I said I was completely fine with playing along with the idea until your bond was severed. I don't like women, and you needed a cover story. You saved my ass helping me pass the Advanced Warp Theory and Plasma Physics course last year, I couldn't not help you out with something so simple. Besides, I'm pretty sure I've benefited from our arrangement more than you have." Andrew replied wryly.

"Ah, yes. The man that finally tamed the Crazy Cadet Kirk. Ha! That was a good one!" Jennifer laughed.

"No, I think my favorite was how much of a sex god I must be now that I've been with you for six whole months." Andrew teased back.

"Oh yes! Because of all that sleeping around I never did. Ha! Well, Mr. Sex God, I sure hope you put those skills to good use with Danny later tonight." Jennifer teased.

"Oh, god, Jenn!" Andrew slapped Jennifer playfully on the shoulder. "I had to tell him, a little bit, is that okay? I mean, I know you said I could, at least that we had an arrangement of sorts, but I just want to make sure."

Jennifer returned the slap for his questioning probe. "Andrew! I said it was fine. As long as you don't go spilling super top secret Vulcan secrets to him, it's totally fine." Jennifer rolled her eyes. "What did you end up telling him by the way?"

Andrew laughed loudly at her question. Apparently it was something quite humorous.

"Well, I told him you had come on to me at first, which is totally true, I just left out the when, and when I told you that I was completely gay and not interested you responded with 'perfect, just what I was hoping' and told me you wanted us to start dating anyway." Andrew responded.

"That can't be it. That's not that funny. Or at least, the way you're telling it isn't." Jennifer chuckled. "What else?"

"Well, I told him that I didn't want the rest of the school to know I was gay, because I had to hide it from my parents, since they're such squicks and dating you was the best way to just that. Then I told him that you helped me to accept it and even encouraged me to tell my parents where to shove it if they couldn't accept the fact that their son is extremely gay, especially in the 23rd century."

"All of which is totally true. Damn. And he didn't ask about why I wanted to date a gay man for six months and rehabilitate him back into being okay with his parents finding out about his sexual preferences?" Jennifer asked, curious.

"Well, yeah, naturally he wanted to know. I just told him that you didn't want to be bothered by other people since your schedule was so damn hectic and you figured dating someone officially was the perfect excuse. It worked like a charm too. I happen to think I'm a pretty amazing study buddy!" Andrew smiled.

"That you are my friend. That you are. I think even Bones is convinced that you're like my for real boyfriend. What with all the nights you spend passed out in my room lately. You know you're still totally welcome continue with that, right?" Jennifer replied.

"Maybe after a little while. Don't want anyone to think the wrong things. Speaking of which, what do we tell everyone else about why we broke up?" Andrew tittered.

"Ugh. God. I haven't thought about that one. Um, you're a cheating bastard?" Jennifer laughed.

"Yeah, except that doesn't work because we're still really good friends. Would you stay really good friends with a cheating bastard?" Andrew mocked.

"If he was only cheating because he was totally gay, maybe." Jennifer teased. "But you're right. Damn. Huh. I got nothing."

"You got nothing? Jennifer Kirk, A.T.T. rated, master of tactics and strategies, and Vulcan programming hacker extraordinaire has nothing? I don't buy it." Andrew taunted.

"I already gave you my best idea. You shot it down. I'm not really good with this whole relationship stuff, if you haven't noticed. I'm technically married, by Vulcan standards, super secretly, and my boyfriend and I are trying to break up so he can start a relationship with his super gay lover. Yeah, I got nothing. Can't we just say that you figured out you were gay? I mean people are going to figure it out when you start dating Danny officially anyway."

Andrew raised his perfectly manicured eyebrow at Jennifer, thinking. Jennifer knew almost down to the second when Andrew had accepted her plan. It was simple, and basically the truth. It would work.

"Your second plan has merit. But how do we explain the fact that we're still really good friends? I don't feel like losing one of my best friends because we couldn't stay in a fake relationship with each other due to my being extremely gay and all that." Andrew asked.

"The truth? That I totally understand and love you anyway?" Jennifer replied as if it were really that simple. Which, really, it was. "It doesn't matter what other people think anyway, we're almost out of this place. It's both of our last years here!"

"Fair enough. Okay. I am sorry, though, Jenn."

"Good god man! Stop it! It's totally okay! Besides, if all goes well with my projects, I should be able to go to Vulcan over winter break in a few weeks. Satek's parents think they've found a suitable bondmate for him. And I'll have time and access to healers if I need them. Even though now they don't think it will be as bad as originally suggested." Jennifer replied.

"I still can't get over the fact that you're bonded. Like how does that even feel? It's gotta be so freaking weird to have someone in your head all the time!"

"It was pretty overwhelming at first. But when I got back to the academy I barely noticed it at all. Then I kinda learned how to block and so does Satek. We're still pretty decent friends, well at least I think so. It's just like a presence in my mind. It doesn't really bother me. Our bond isn't strong enough that I can feel him really most of the time. Just that I know he's alive and well." Jennifer explained for what must have been the tenth time since the two had started fake dating.

Satek had been totally okay with the whole arrangement, and even telling Andrew about him and their bond. As Vulcans went, Satek was pretty laid back and chill. Which was part of the reason his parents had such difficulty finding a bondmate for him after his pon far had hit and he'd had to bond with Jennifer while she was on the Intrepid during her second year spring break.

Satek's original bondmate had died only two years prior to his tour on the Intrepid and his parents hadn't found someone willing to bond with him considering his family was already considered liberal as Vulcans went, and he even more so. At nineteen years old, no one had thought that his pon far would hit so soon. Usually the first one didn't occur until the mid-twenties, early thirties for Vulcans.

Jennifer could still remember the whole trip as if it happened last week, not last March.

Jennifer was assigned to the Intrepid over spring break due to, at least Chris had said, the fact that she needed to log a certain number of hours on a starship to graduate on time. This meant taking duty tours every summer and smaller missions during spring breaks.

The Intrepid was in orbit and scheduled to pick up cadets hoping to train with the mostly Vulcan crew. It was a very prestigious appointment to have a training cruise with the Intrepid, and looked really good on a cadet's record. Jennifer hadn't had a problem being accepted for the training cruise due to her test scores, class marks, and previous accomplishments.

So it was that Jennifer was assigned to the computer sciences department, specifically programming, due to her level seven rating, and she met Satek.

Satek was on his first duty tour on the Intrepid. At twenty years old Satek had already spent three years studying at the Vulcan Science Academy and had a degree in computer sciences with a special focus on starship system programming. He was assigned to be Jennifer's liaison and direct supervisor for the duration of her tour with the Intrepid.

The two had gotten along almost right away. Satek was not a normal Vulcan, at least in Jennifer's opinion. It wasn't that she had anything against Vulcans, not at all. But it was refreshing to be around someone she didn't have to carefully guard her facial expressions with every second of the day. As far as bosses went, Jennifer assumed she had gotten extremely lucky. She spent most of her time with Satek, on and off duty.

After three days with the Vulcan male, spending nearly every second either could spare teaching and learning from one another, they had gotten to know each other pretty well.

It was on the fourth day that Jennifer had started to notice something was going on with Satek. He was becoming somewhat short tempered, irritable, and was working less and less, spending more and more time meditating.

If Jennifer wasn't such a horrible sleeper and didn't spend her waking hours working with Satek when she should have been sleeping, she probably wouldn't have noticed his changing demeanor as soon as she had.

On the seventh day together Jennifer had finally decided to confront him about what was going on.

"I believe I may be experiencing… my time." Satek finally said after almost an hour of chess, of Jennifer pressing him for information in his quarters.

"Your time?" Jennifer asked, confused. She was mere feet from him, sitting across from him, the small chess set between them, and she could see the pained expression on his face. She knew something was wrong, there shouldn't be any expression on his face whatsoever.

"It is a private matter. Vulcans as a whole do not speak of it. Not even with each other. Especially not to an outsider. I have no wish to cause offense, but you cannot possibly understand." Satek replied.

"And this… your time? It's making you sick, isn't it?" Jennifer asked, having noticed Satek had been sweating today. His quarters were extremely warm, even warmer than the rest of the ship, and it was a stifling heat. Jennifer was sweating all the time, but Vulcans didn't sweat. Satek was. He was ill. Jennifer just knew it.

"In a manner of speaking." Satek replied cryptically.

"So shouldn't you see the doctor? Sorry, healer?" Jennifer asked, as if it was obvious that Satek should consult with a medical professional.

"They can do nothing for me. Even if we went back to Vulcan, I have no one waiting for me, nothing can be done for me." Satek informed her.

"Is there anything I can do then?" Jennifer asked. She didn't want to press him about seeking medical assistance if he didn't want to. She understood aversions to doctors completely. If she was anything short of dying, she would stay as far away as she could. Bones usually had to drag her to medical anytime she hurt herself, yelling at her every time not to be such a dumbass.

"I cannot ask that of you. It is… impossible." Satek replied. "Please, you must leave. I must meditate. There is nothing to be done for me."

Jennifer noticed the strain in Satek's voice as he spoke. It was odd, she knew. Even though Satek was probably one of the most relaxed Vulcans she'd met so far on the cruise, he was still perfectly logical and controlled.

"You make it sound like you're dying." Jennifer whispered. When she saw Satek's reaction to her words she knew she'd hit a nerve. "You're not dying, are you?"

"It is… I will attempt to meditate through the symptoms. However, as it is my first experience, it is not probable to be effective." Satek replied, still cryptic as hell.

"Oh my god, you're really dying." Jennifer felt all the color drain from her face at the realization. Which, for given how high the temperature was in the room, was an impressive reaction.

"Please, you must leave. My control is rapidly fading." Satek insisted once again.

Jennifer stared at her new friend long and hard. She didn't understand what was going on with the Vulcan, but she knew she had to do something, especially since he insisted upon doing nothing.

"Let me help." She replied softly.

"You cannot. You must not. You know not what you offer." Satek said painfully. Jennifer could tell his control was indeed slipping, his voice was gruff and pained. Almost as if it was hard for him to deny her help.

She also may have noticed something else that on a human would make total and complete sense, but on a Vulcan would have been deemed unseemly. She was putting the pieces together. She wasn't dumb after all. She could see patterns and possibilities in nearly every situation. It was a special talent of hers, one that MACO had started to refine and that the academy was enhancing.

"I think I have an idea. And while I don't normally have much trouble in making offers, when I do they aren't resisted, I think you are being quite illogical with your rejection of my assistance." Jennifer said, trying to find a Vulcan solution to the problem. "You say that death is quite possible, most probable. That you require something you have no access to at the moment, and your control is slipping. Let it slip. Allow yourself to accept my help. I promise you, I may not understand all of what I offer, but it can hardly be worse than you dying, Satek."

"You would so readily surrender yourself to me? Wholly? Because that is what you offer. You would submit to me, face a most primal and intimate assault from me, one you have called friend in such short time? You would bind yourself to me? For that is what you offer, Jennifer Kirk, my friend." Satek replied angrily through gritted teeth. Jennifer saw his fists balled up and hands bleeding from where his nails dug into his palms. "I will take you and I will claim you. Brutally. You have no means to understand what it is you offer me in assistance. What it is you do to yourself."

"Satek, my friend. I would not offer you this if I didn't at least partially understand what you need. That much is painfully physically obvious." Jennifer made a pointed look towards his groin, one she knew Satek would follow. "Trust me, I've dealt with worse. You're honestly telling me that you won't have sex with me if it saves your life? Do you want to die?"

Satek waited for a moment before responding, attempting to cleave onto some aspect of control. If indeed his new friend, Jennifer Kirk was offering to assist him through his first pon far and knew the risks, he could not lie to her.

"No. I have no wish to die." Satek responded in a bare whisper. "But you must understand, it is more than a physical bonding I speak of."

"I figured as much. Vulcans are touch telepaths. It would only make sense that something you guys hold in such high esteem and is such a large part of your culture would also play a major role into, dare I say it, mating rituals. Come on, Satek. You need my help. You said yourself, no one else on this ship can offer you such assistance. Mostly because you don't want to ask, but I am here. I am offering myself to you, to help you live through this. It'd be such a shame for someone as intelligent as yourself, someone with such potential, to die a premature death due to some biological phenomenon." Jennifer replied.

"Your logic is sound, as far as I am able to comprehend. I must tell you, I will not be logical. Far from it, should you continue to insist I accept your assistance. I- are you positive you still wish to continue?"

"I could do worse." Jennifer shrugged before closing the distance between the two of them over the chess set. She pressed her lips to his, awkwardly at first and grew more confident as his hand found hers.

Three days later she was sitting in an office with Satek and the captain of the Intrepid, Satek's father on vid-com.

"I wish to convey thanks, Ms. Kirk, for your… assistance in this matter. I am grateful my son did not perish. However, the bond you two now share must be severed. I wish not to cause offense, for at the time it was necessary and therefore logical. However, it is not logical to remain in place." Satek's father said.

"I understand, Sir. Satek and I have already spoken on the matter. A great deal. Until such a time that a bondmate may be found for him, we shall remain bonded, a measure of precaution, I assure you. It is our mutual decision. As my friend, I do not wish Satek to find himself in such a position again. It was horribly inconvenient and he almost did die. I cannot, in good measure, be a product to the same situation again." Jennifer replied, attempting to control her anger at the situation.

"The situation was… unfortunate. We were not prepared for such an early arrival. You need not worry, Ms. Kirk. I will ensure my son's safety for the next stage. As it is, I respect your agreement. The bond cannot be severed now in any case, should the fires return to him. You are aware of the consequences of such a bond, yes?" Satek's father asked. Jennifer could tell he was uncomfortable, not that he had shown it. It was the bond with Satek and Satek's own knowledge of his father that lent Jennifer the information.

"I am most assuredly aware." Jennifer replied evenly, a slight indignation flushing her cheeks without her permission.

Yeah, she knew that meant she couldn't sleep with anyone. Not that she slept around a lot, regardless of what the rumors said about her. But that didn't mean she hadn't had her share of fun. Now, she couldn't do anything. At all. At least not until the bond was severed in favor of a more acceptable match to Satek. Jennifer should feel somewhat offended by the insinuation that she wasn't good enough, but she wasn't. Satek didn't think she was less than him, it was just that their minds were not as compatible as they should be, nor were their life goals for that matter.

"We will make contact once a match is found to schedule a time that is suitable for you to visit Vulcan. Until then, Ms. Kirk, you have my gratitude for what you have done for my son. Live long and prosper."

"Peace and long life." Jennifer and Satek both replied simultaneously.

"I guess as far as meeting the parents goes, it wasn't as bad as it could have been." Jennifer muttered, mostly to herself.

"You understand, of course, that neither of you should attempt to use the bond to communicate whilst you are on Earth and Satek while you are on Vulcan, yes?" The captain asked.

"Completely." Jennifer replied. Satek simply nodded his head.

"Good. We will arrive in Earth's orbit in two days' time. You have done well here, Ms. Kirk. I will forward the evaluation to your advisor. Satek, you have also shown yourself to be worthy of commendation, despite your… difficulties. I will forward my evaluation of your work to your superiors at the VSA. You are both dismissed."

"So you and Andrew finally broke it off, huh?" Bones asked as he came out of his room heading towards the fridge in their shared common area. Jennifer and he had been roommates for the past three years, neither one of them caring too much to try and change that fact. "Sorry, I was in my room. The walls are thin." He said, sitting down in the chair that Andrew had just left empty only minutes ago. He slid a beer towards Jennifer and she took it thanklessly.

He'd heard every part of their conversation. She was so screwed.

"You know, I thought something was strange when all of a sudden you were in a serious relationship with someone. Someone who I knew, through no fault of his own, didn't much care for long hair. But I gotta say, Jenn, the reason's a new one, even for me." Bones said, and Jennifer couldn't tell if he was upset with her for pretending to date Andrew, or royally pissed at her for keeping her weird relationship with a Vulcan from him.

He was talking to her, sure, but he was too calm. Much too calm. None of his usual grumpiness was present at all. His speech, his words, they all sounded too clinical. As if he were conversing with her about maruvian blood fleas. Yeah, she decided.

He was royally pissed.

"I thought that as your best friend you would have told me. I mean, it's not like we've ever shared secrets with each other before. Secrets that no one else knows or anything. But this? This is a new one for even me, Jenn. I thought you trusted me. Not some guy you just met in class, regardless of how great he is or isn't. I-" his voice broke and Jennifer couldn't think of anything to say that would soothe the wound of his hurt that was so obviously bleeding. "I'm going for a walk." Bones finished.

Jennifer knew he had been speaking too calmly not to be extremely upset. Sure, he might've been pissed, but it was more than anger she had caused by not telling her best friend about her current predicament. She had hurt him.

But she couldn't tell him. She didn't want him to ever find out. Especially if the bond was to be broken. She couldn't tell him, because then she would have to admit why she didn't want to stay bonded to someone who was, in all respects, a pretty spectacular person. Vulcan or not. The friendship she had formed with Satek prior to the unfortunate mess that was his biological clock going haywire early, was strong, despite its short lived timeline. The friendship they had fostered since, even while blocking the bond effectively, was astounding to her. Astounding that in another life, she could have easily fallen in love with the person Satek is.

But that was the problem, though, she couldn't fall in love with him because over the course of the past two and a half years she had fallen in love with a different friend. Her best friend. She just couldn't tell him that. On pain of death. Because then he would leave too.

Just like everyone else she'd ever loved.

So no, Bones might be upset and pissed at her, but she would just give him his space until he started to get over it. Because the last thing she needed to do was explain to him why she didn't want to tell him about her accidental soon to be severed bond with another Vulcan. A bond that she had needed to consummate to even make. Because the consummation of said bond was not done from love, but from a fierce need to protect all and any of those worthy of saving.

Hot and dirty sex was just a plus.

But Bones wouldn't understand that. He would laugh her explanation off. Jennifer couldn't, wouldn't allow his perception of her to change based on some critical aspect of another race's culture. She couldn't allow him to see her in any way other than a best friend. She couldn't allow him to think of her in a more than friendly manner, no more than he had to deal with from academy persons anyway. Because what if?

What if he found her out?

No. She couldn't let that happen.

Because he was the one thing she could never have. She would never be product to his destruction, directly or inadvertently. She could not afford to lose him, so she would hide her true feelings, bury them deeply down, and stay friends. Best friends.

She wouldn't lose someone else because she openly loved them.

Never.