A/N: Have some Kasumi and Miranda! Thanks for the encouragement and kind reviews, everyone. This is the first time I've ever bothered with a Tali story but I'm having fun! I will return to my others shortly...
The new Normandy is a clinical, barren ship, lacking the warmth and intimacy of its first incarnation. The retrofitting and modifications are impressive but she's no longer so naive to sweep things under the carpet just because Shepard says that things are under control. Shepard can't even control her hands. Tali has seen them not once, not twice but three times already, firmly situated on Miranda's ass. If there's one thing Shepard isn't, it's discreet.
It isn't that she's jealous (maybe some part of her is). She can't wrap her head around Shepard choosing to involve herself with a woman who's the pet of the Cerberus head, the so-called Illusive Man. Does Shepard think? Sometimes Tali wonders. She misses the days when she thought Shepard capable of making only right, capable decisions.
What's so great about Miranda, anyway? Jack is a better biotic (and a loose cannon) and the very reason to not trust Cerberus. She should let it go, maybe, but it's hard. Disappointment doesn't settle well with her. How can she be disappointed in Shepard? The very thought bothers her.
She shouldn't be onboard the new Normandy but Shepard did save her— and if they don't stop the Collectors things will go from bad to worse. Harbinger is fixated on Shepard. The Collectors killed her once. Tali is happy to come along for some payback. A small part of her likes to think that Shepard needs her, that she can help watch out for her, the way Shepard watched for her two years ago, the way she saved her on Freedom's Progress and Haestrom. Maybe Shepard hasn't changed completely.
"Do you think they know how much you stare at them?" Kasumi asks. Tali blinks. "You wear a helmet but you're not exactly subtle."
"Neither are they," Tali says. Shepard leans into Miranda's door. Miranda wears a haughty smile but they stand indecently close to one another.
Shepard told her she needed her here beside her, someone to watch her back while she what, watched Miranda's? That wasn't part of the deal. What deal, she asks herself. When was the last time Shepard made any deals? Every one Tali has seen Shepard make, she has broken. It took her months to join the Normandy SR-2. Maybe that's all the time Miranda needed. Is Miranda tricking Shepard?
Tali looks away from them and to her data pad.
"Her breasts are pretty amazing," Kasumi comments, as if sizing up a fine work of art. Tali hates that she agrees. "All that money her father poured into her was well worth it."
"She's got a doting father, too?" Tali scowls. Some people have all the luck. The looks, the brains, the power, love and Shepard.
"What's your father like?"
Absent. "Very dedicated." It isn't a lie. He is. In some ways, his dedication even encompasses her. Is Shepard dedicated to anything? Anyone? Saving the galaxy, sure, but anything else? Shepard glances in her direction. Tali can't hear what she's saying but she looks at her, a slow sensual smile on her lips as she talks. Tali feels her face foolishly heating, no matter how she wills it not to. That smile isn't for her. Miranda leans into Shepard, whispers something. Shepard's hand lights near Miranda's ass again before Miranda promptly removes it. Shepard's smile makes it clear that she knows she's misbehaving.
"You're better than that," Kasumi says. "Warm and sweet beats out icy Cerberus bitch any day. And have you seen your hips?" Kasumi traces Tali's figure in the air. "You're right to flaunt it. Shepard can't miss them."
Tali swears her face masks fogs up from embarrassment. "Cut it out," she mutters, stepping back. "And don't go around saying stuff like that," she rambles, talking much too quickly. "Shepard and I are friends. That's all. I don't want you to think— I don't want her to think—That is... I have to go."
She leaves the mess hall, happy to return to Donnelly and Gabby and leave Shepard and any more stomach turning visuals behind. She's had enough of Miranda's suspicious gazes. She continues to work on disabling the cameras Cerberus has installed. She won't be spied on by Cerberus, she won't be used to unknowingly betray her people.
Miranda is there when she turns around. Shepard is too, sitting on the rails around the engineering floor, legs swinging lethargically. Tali doesn't immediately notice her, too focused on the woman in the skintight clothing that leaves little to the imagination. Is this how all Cerberus officers dress? "What is it?" Tali asks, not bothering to sound patient.
"Oh, nothing. Except your apparent attempts at sabotage aboard this vessel. When you joined us you did so at the behest of Shepard. You two have a history, I get that." She's always patronizing, so damn patronizing. Tali crosses her arms, cocking her head, waiting. "But that doesn't give you the right to interfere with Normandy systems."
"All I've done since coming aboard the Normandy is make improvements. The systems are running faster than before. I would never commit sabotage aboard a vessel I'm serving on. I wouldn't do that to the crew and I wouldn't do that to Shepard. I'm not Cerberus." Tali says. Miranda steps back slightly, the sardonic smile on her face tightening. "I know what you're here about. You're here about your spy cameras. What I've disabled won't affect Normandy security. It will, however, ensure my safety and that of the Flotilla."
Miranda glares. "You have a lot of nerve." She whips her head to the side to look at Shepard who looks terribly entertained by the interaction. "Shepard, will you talk some sense into her? You're the one who brought her aboard, over my clearly valid objections."
Shepard shrugs, jumping down from the rails she's sitting on. "She sounds like she's making plenty of sense to me, Miranda. Don't bother reactivating the cameras, by the way. She'll just find a way to take them down again. Tali's a bit of a genius."
"I brought you back from the dead," Miranda retorts, pointing out that she's clearly smarter. What a bitch.
"I know. And I appreciate it," Shepard kisses her, full on the lips.
Tali shuffles and looks away, wishing she could leave them to do whatever it is that they do, that they can do. Miranda notices and looks between the two of them before smirking gently at Tali. "Fine. Disable the cameras. You're just one quarian and you're both too stubborn to bother fighting with. But if you do anything that could interfere with the mission, believe me—"
"It won't happen," Tali cuts her off, "so why don't you save your breath and get going?"
Miranda looks to Shepard and back to Tali, glowering before leaving. Tali looks at Gabby and Kenneth who've watched the entire interaction, their eyebrows up so high they nearly reach their hairline. Tali lifts her fingers to her forehead before lowering them back at her side. She hates who she becomes around that woman. The last thing she needs is for Gabby and Kenneth to think she's a bitch. They're fantastic engineers, nice and funny. She doesn't want to be a lesser person. She isn't that person but she doesn't like Cerberus, she doesn't want to be spied on and that Miranda woman makes her blood boil.
Shepard whistles. "Uh, oh. She's pissed." She grins, cocks her head, moving towards the drive core, indicating Tali follow her. Tali does, her fingers curling. She flattens them, and grips the railing, looking at the drive core. "Thanks to you, I might get a spanking later." There's a beat. "Thanks, I've been trying to get her to play along." Tali's eyes settle on her, narrowing to slits. "You know… I could swear you gave me a shitty look just now."
"I'm glad this is all a game to you, Shepard. You know, when they talk about people climbing into bed with their enemies, the expression isn't meant to be taken literally."
Shepard scoffs. "What do you care?"
Tali bites her lip. "I don't!" Yes, she does. Damn it, she does but not because she's jealous, not only because she's jealous. She's better than that. Furthermore, she never thought Shepard could ever be hers. She's a quarian, for Keelah's sake. A stray touch might kill her. It's only, that the savior of the galaxy has better options. Why settle for someone like Miranda? "What about Liara?"
"Eh," she waves her away. "Saw on her Illium not long ago. She made Miranda look like a geisha. I kind of liked it, mind you," she says distractedly, "but she couldn't even be bothered to have a conversation. Did have me run a few jobs for her, though."
Tali shakes her head. So she's moved on from Liara, then. She isn't sure that she can blame Shepard but better Liara (she thinks), then Miranda. "You can do better than the enemy."
Shepard laughs. "You sure about that?" She leans into the railing, the blue light washing over her, making her look like somebody else. Tali stares. She hates that she can do this without being called on it. It makes it easy to develop bad habits. "Miranda was created to be perfect. She is. God, she's beautiful." Tali's stomach turns. She tells herself it's not Shepard's fault. It's not as if Shepard knows how she tortures her when she talks so casually about her lovers. "Turned out all right for a lab rat. That's what daddy turned her into. Don't mind all her attitude. I know how she comes across but you're more confident than she could ever be."
Tali blinks. Is that true? Here Shepard is again, surprising her. She can definitely be a bosh'tet but she cares about her crew, even if she's screwing them. Tali can hear it in her voice. "I think you've lost your mind."
"People look at her and all they see is tits and ass, that pretty face. They don't bother looking further. People look at you…" she scans her. Tali freezes, nervously, not wanting to hear what she has to say, wishing she could shut her up. She's seen vids where people kiss their partners into silence. That will never be an option for her. "You're not so easy to pin down." She smirks faintly. Tali's heart lodges in her throat. "You gave Donnelly and Daniels one hell of a show, by the way. They probably thought you were a good girl."
"I am."
"Maybe you only misbehave every once in a while."
Tali smiles. "You're a bosh'tet."
"You know it." She looks at her. "How are you doing? Miranda's pissing you off. So's EDI. So's Jacob. So am I, more often than not." Tali laughs. Yes. Shepard does have a talent for it. "But you haven't had much time to settle since Haestrom. How are you doing?"
Tali frowns thinking of the mission. What a disaster. She did as the admiralty board asked and for what? Were the lives of all those marines worth it? The lives of her friends? She doesn't know. She doesn't think so. Maybe she's selfish. Maybe she hates that they all died under her watch. "I'm alive and they're not so all things considered, I'm doing well." She shakes her head. "I'm not meant for command. I don't know how you do it, Shepard."
"They sent you into an impossible situation and they knew it. You came out on the other side. God, Tali. Do you have any idea how many soldiers I've had die under my command?" She shakes her head. "It's never easy. But losing soldiers doesn't make you a bad leader. Not always, anyway. I know you. You'd never throw lives away to prove a point." Shepard's eyes narrow thoughtfully and for an instant, her fingers come to her forehead. There's a scar there. In the darkness Shepard's eyes have a hint of red to them. Is she thinking of Torfan? Is she thinking of past mistakes? Tali never thought Shepard could be vulnerable. She touches a hand to Shepard's shoulder. Shepard lifts her face to look at her. They remain that way for who knows how long before Tali lets her hand slide away. "That Kal'Reeger guy looks like one hell of a soldier."
She nods. "He is. Thanks again for saving him." She's already spent too many nights writing letters to the families of the lost, fighting back tears as she's written draft after draft after draft. There's nothing she can say that would make it right. They're dead. Words won't heal it. Writing a letter for Kal'Reeger's family would break her.
"He was willing to throw his life away if it meant a chance for you."
"No, not for me. For the data, for the squad and for the Flotilla."
"You sure about that? Sounds to me like he thinks you're one hell of a girl."
Tali smiles. "Well, maybe I am?" Shepard grins. "Anyway, I don't know what you're getting at but Kal'Reeger is a friend. Even if I wanted more, and I haven't," she adds hastily, more to prevent her own embarrassment before it rises and begins to make her stammer, "he's too much of a gentleman to try anything. He still calls me 'ma'am' and stands up straight when I walk in."
"I've seen the way you talk to your soldiers—I'd stand up straight too."
"Ah hah, as if you're one to follow orders and protocol. I'm glad you're not a soldier of mine, Shepard. You'd be a pain in the ass."
"You'd ask me to go wait on the ship?"
"Yes, like a good girl," she says with another laugh, "but I'm happy to be here for you. I may not like Cerberus or this mission but I'll be here for you, as long as you need me. I've got your back Shepard, no matter what."
"Thanks. I know this is hard for you. I know you don't trust them. I know you don't entirely trust me."
"I'm not here for them. I'm here for you. And maybe when this is all over I'll load this vessel up with grenades—but in the meantime, I trust you. And you can trust me."
Shepard straightens up. Tali wishes she wouldn't wear the Cerberus uniform, the fatigues, looking so at ease. Tali wonders if she wears the uniform with a sense of irony or if she really doesn't give it any attention at all. Maybe being a quarian makes her obsess more over fashion details than it would any other. Shepard takes hold of the railing and slides closer to her. Tali looks around, behind her, trying to see what Shepard may be trying to get at but can identify nothing. "What is it?" Tali asks.
She's backed into the railing now, pinned into a triangular corner by Shepard, whose hands rest to either side of her. It would be easy to circle her arms around her waist but that's all she could do, frustrate herself with impossibilities. Anyway, Shepard has had Liara and now Miranda. What could she want with her? Their skin would never be able to touch. Shepard is into casual contact—something Tali could never consider, even if she wanted to. Unless she was looking to sign her own death warrant.
Shepard dips her face close to hers, her voice low. "You know, sometimes I wish I could see your face when you speak to me. Look at me." Tali's heart beats frantically. She can't take a breath. It occurs to Tali that she always sees Shepard through a haze, through her facemask. What would it be like to see her as she is, the brightness of her eyes, the exact shade of her lips? Damn it, they need to retake Rannoch. They need a homeworld. Living in suits is too difficult. Maybe if she'd never been exposed to this other world where affection is so standardized, so common she wouldn't be so frustrated. How have her people survived for so long? How do they bear it? Do they forget how easy it is for anyone who isn't them? Do they force themselves not to think of it? Thoughts race through her mind and finally she can't hold her breath anymore. She exhales sharply. Shepard allows some space between them. Tali closes her eyes briefly, mourning that small space, the gulf of all the skies. "Sorry. That was probably rude."
"I ah—no, it's okay," she says shakily. "Since when do you care about being rude?"
"I care when it matters." She pulls back, narrowing her eyes and looking away, the blue of the drive core washing over her. She's beautiful. It's the first time Tali has realized it and it alarms her. She doesn't want the knowledge that makes her more unattainable. "I'll leave you to your sabotage, Tali'Zorah."
Tali watches Shepard's frame, tall and athletic, certain, move away from her.