Author's Notes:
A thousand apologies; life got exceedingly more challenging since I last posted. I cannot promise when next I will post; I can only promise that I will continue until this story is finished which should be another three or four chapters.
Thank you for all your wonderful reviews, friendly reminders and for your continued patience. You guys are awesome.
A wonderful thank you to my amazing Beta, Dinahwas. Thank you for pushing me with this chapter even though I had to re-do it completely. It's much improved after the re-write. Thank you for your time, patience and fantastic recommendations – you've made this chapter so much better.
And a special thank you to T for always believing in me and for enduring all my requests to constantly proof read 'one last time'.
Chapter 25 – "An Emotional Goodbye"
Day 8 – Village #4 – late at night
Lauren raced through the medical hut. She needed air. The walls felt as if they were closing in on her and her heart was beating so rapidly she thought it would explode. Bursting out the door, the fresh, night air washed over her, immediately waking her senses.
Inhaling and exhaling deeply, she ran her fingers through her hair and paced outside the hut. "What were you thinking!?" she muttered. Yes, she wanted to kiss Bo but she hadn't intended on actually doing it. She shook her head in frustration. Even though she couldn't deny how much she had missed kissing Bo, she knew she just made things more complicated.
Lauren released a weary sigh. She was so tired of this internal battle; of the push and pull between logic and emotion. She wasn't blind to the irony of her situation - that it was Bo that had made her feel again after years devoid of emotion. Bo had awakened her passion; opened her heart to love again; and gave hope to her hopeless life. And yet, she found herself intentionally suppressing her feelings.
Lauren didn't make that choice lightly. Looking back, she realized that all her major life decisions were made with her heart and she suffered the consequences because of it. It was so ironic that she staunchly applied logic to her work but when it came to her personal life, she was resolutely sentimental. Lauren often wondered what she would do differently if she could do it all over again. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would still do everything she could for Nadia and Bo but believed she would give more attention to all other options instead of going with kneejerk reactions.
The doctor shook her head to physically clear her mind. Thoughts of 'what if' and 'if only' were futile. She couldn't go back in time; she couldn't change the past. Shaky fingers wiped away tears as her exhaustion tore at her. The conflict raged inside her and she knew she had to get her feelings under control. Stilling her movements, she closed her eyes and forced herself to take slow, deep breaths. Each exhalation calmed her racing heart and once her pulse rate steadied, she opened her eyes.
Lauren stared off into space; not really seeing anything as her thoughts dominated her senses. Taking a few more deep breaths; her mind gradually quieted and her vision came into focus as blurry lights slowly morphed into bright, twinkling stars.
Normally, the beauty and wonder of the constellations would loosen the tension in her shoulders but tonight it wasn't working. Releasing another sigh, she dropped to the ground and sat cross legged with her forearms resting on her thighs. Lauren looked out past the village and into the dark recesses of the jungle and replayed all the reasons for her decision. She couldn't refute the logic behind it but it still didn't ease the ache in her heart. "Guess that's why tough decisions are tough." she murmured to herself as she stared out into the shadows.
Bo was on the brink of consciousness but found it difficult to pry her eyes open. Her body felt as if it were hovering in mid-air; her thoughts were jumbled; and her limbs hung from her body, heavy and sluggish. As she waited for her body to wake, her senses kicked into gear and a feeling of dread filled her.
Her eyes flew open upon realizing that she was submerged in the murky river and couldn't see past a couple of feet in any direction. "How did I end up here?"
The fear of the unknown caused an uneasy feeling to grow in the pit of her stomach. Something suddenly brushed against her and she flinched not knowing if it was a plant or an animal. She didn't understand how or why she was in the river but at that moment, it didn't matter. She was running out of air.
The urge to breathe overpowered her and it took every ounce of willpower to fight the instinct to take a breath; and by doing so, inadvertently swallowing water. She swam in the darkness, disoriented, not knowing if she was even moving in the right direction. Her muscles ached. She couldn't reach the surface and the lack of oxygen only drained her energy further.
Her lungs screamed for air. Each second that passed, the pain worsened. Her anxiety grew despite all attempts to stay calm and as her vision gradually narrowed, she knew that time was running out. "I can't die! I have to make things right with Lauren. And who's going to look out for Kenzi?" she thought in disbelief as she faced certain death.
Bo was moments away from losing consciousness. Her instincts kicked in and she took an involuntary breath. The terror and agony were instantaneous as water filled her throat and burned a painful path to her lungs. Her body thrashed and spasmed violently as the water muted her screams.
Strong hands latched on to her.
"Bo!"
"Wake up!"
The brunette coughed and sputtered as she gasped for air. Her eyes were wide with fright as she flailed her arms. The fear and panic she experienced in her nightmare still surged through her, causing her heart to beat erratically.
"You're okay Bo. It was just a dream." Lauren assured her as she avoided the Succubus' swinging arms before grasping her hands firmly to keep from being hit.
"Not… real?" The brunette asked between gasps for air.
"You were dreaming. You're okay now." she said calmly as she gently rubbed the hands trapped in hers. Once Bo relaxed her limbs, Lauren quickly released her and carefully helped her sit upright. "Take slow, steady breaths."
Bo's heart pounded loudly in her ears. She barely heard Lauren's voice while the adrenaline coursed through her.
The doctor suppressed her concern and moved in closer, placing her right palm against Bo's chest. "Can you feel my hand?"
Bo felt a gentle pressure – solid and firm but not crushing – and gave a faint nod as she clutched on to the blonde like she would a lifebuoy to keep from drowning.
Lauren remained calm despite the death grip on her wrist and forearm. "Breathe into my hand Bo." she encouraged. "Breathe in. Feel your chest rise with each breath… feel yourself push against my hand. That's it! Now breathe out slowly." She inhaled and exhaled along with her; guiding her.
"I'm right here with you, Bo. Focus on my hand when you inhale. Feel its weight and force it up slowly." She instructed soothingly. "And exhale."
After a few minutes Bo's ragged breathing started to subside. She found that her heart beat wasn't echoing loudly in her ears and she could actually see what was happening around her. She was suddenly aware of where the doctor's hand was resting - on her breast bone. Normally, she would've made some kind of sexual overture but her she had just woken from a terrifying dream. However, she knew that it wasn't just the proximity of Lauren's hand and the physical contact that affected her; it was the comfort that it provided. Lauren's body heat radiated out through her palm and fingers - it seeped through the thin layer of her clothes and sunk into Bo's skin; the soothing warmth spreading through her. Regardless of everything that had happened between them, it gave her hope that Lauren still cared and that gave her solace.
Lauren smiled softly. "That's it, Bo. You've got it. You're doing great. "
The Succubus started to breathe steadier and her vision was no longer blurry. With her panic extinguished, she relaxed her grip and for the first time since she woke, she was able to focus on the blonde. Lauren appeared worried and tired. She had dark circles under her eyes; and her hair and clothes were tousled but to Bo, Lauren was still the most beautiful woman she had ever seen.
The doctor didn't look away despite the intensity burning in Bo's eyes. She was just relieved that Bo was no longer in distress. Once she was confident that her breathing was back to normal, Lauren gently extricated her hand and slowly stepped back. Tucking her hand down out of sight, she subtly flexed and shook out her wrist and fingers. "How do you feel?"
Bo tried to respond but a raspy croak came out instead.
"I'll get you some water." Lauren said as she grabbed the empty pitcher next to the bed. Exiting the room, she let out a shaky breath. She was thankful for the reprieve from being in 'emergency' mode and allowed herself to relax in the mundane task of filling a jug.
Bo blinked a few times hoping it would dispel the lingering haze of her dream. As she looked around the room she noticed two chairs in the far corner positioned together with medical files strewn over one of the seats. It took a few moments for her brain to piece it all together but when she did, she couldn't stop the smile from appearing. "Lauren was watching over me."
The sound of footsteps drew her attention back to see Lauren stop next to her bed with a pitcher and a glass of water.
Bo instantly chugged back the contents of the glass. "I guess you were thirsty."
The brunette simply nodded as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and slowly leaned back into her pillows, releasing a sigh.
Lauren took the empty glass and placed it next to the water jug on the side table. "How are you feeling?"
Bo cleared her throat before attempting to speak again. "Like I'm one huge, aching bruise." She ground out with a chuckle and immediately groaned as every movement sent a jolt of pain.
Lauren was sympathetic. "I know that you're in a great deal of discomfort but unfortunately, you weren't in any condition to heal yesterday. However, now that you've gotten some rest, you can."
Bo looked down feeling self-conscious about discussing her healing especially since it was a delicate topic for them.
Even though the doctor felt a bit awkward, Bo was still her patient and she would never let her feelings get in the way of a patient's health or well-being. Steadying her emotions and her voice, she presented the Succubus with an option. "If you would like to feed like how you did back at the Compound's lab, I can talk to the Chief and coordinate something similar. Or you can um, make your own arrangements… whatever you prefer of course." she said without averting her gaze.
Bo looked back at the blonde shyly. "I'd prefer if you could talk to him, thanks."
Lauren nodded and tried to ease any lingering doubts. "I don't think there will be any issues especially since you saved his son's life."
Bo gave her a faint smile and grew silent; the effects of her nightmare still lingered and had unnerved her. She looked down at her lap as her fingers nervously played with the bedsheet.
"Did you dream about the Caiman or drowning?"
Bo's head jerked up and she grimaced from the sudden movement. "How'd you know?"
Lauren shrugged. "Good guess." She understood what Bo was going through and tried to allay her fears. "For what it's worth, it's normal for people who've had a traumatic experience, to dream about it."
"Great!" Bo replied sarcastically. "Like I need to be reminded."
"What I'm trying to say is that it's a typical psychological reaction to a traumatic event. I didn't want you to think that there was something wrong with you when it is a normal reaction. Well, as normal as something like this is. With time it will be less intense and it will pass."
"It felt so real. I thought I was drowning." Her voice cracked on the last word. "How can you be so sure it will pass?" she asked worriedly.
"I just know." Lauren stated simply. She clenched her jaw as her thoughts automatically drifted to her tour in Afghanistan and the many times she was 'disciplined' in the Fae dungeons. Releasing a silent sigh, she looked directly into Bo's eyes. "I promise, it will get easier."
Bo felt some relief from Lauren's words and waited for her to elaborate but she gave no further explanation. The silence hung heavily between them however, Bo fought her curiosity and chose not to pursue it, knowing that it wasn't the right time.
Lauren wasn't in the frame of mind to talk about her past. She had been up all night thinking about their situation and what to say but with Bo waking up with an anxiety attack and having difficulty breathing, all her thoughts were turned on its end. Lauren was more nervous than ever but despite this, she knew she couldn't put it off any longer.
The blonde moved to the foot of the bed. She needed the distance to think and say what she had to, as well as to brace herself for the fallout she knew would occur. Her hands were clammy but despite her nerves, she looked into Bo's eyes and kept her voice even. I'm really sorry about last night." she said sincerely. "With both you and Luc almost dying, I was very emotional and I kissed you. It was a mistake. I'm sorry for sending you mixed signals."
Bo's exhaustion quickly gave way to frustration and annoyance. "How can you say that!?" she asked, offended. "You were burning brightly for me last night... all week in fact! Now you're telling me that kissing me was a mistake!?"
Lauren kept her voice steady, not wanting to aggravate the brunette's condition. "It's not that I didn't want to kiss you. The mistake was that I shouldn't have."
The Succubus gave her a perplexed look.
Lauren placed her hands along the sheet at the foot of the bed and absentmindedly smoothed it with her palms. Maintaining eye contact, she explained, "We've always been attracted to one another, Bo. That's not a secret. The physical aspect of our relationship was never something that we needed to work on. It was everything else."
Bo's lips instantly morphed from a thin line into a suggestive grin. "For what it's worth, I always enjoyed working on the physical aspect of our relationship."
"I did too." Lauren smiled genuinely but it disappeared as she grew serious again. "I really want us to be a part of each other's lives Bo but I can't go back to how things were… I can't." she said solemnly as her hands dropped to her sides.
Bo tried to sit up straighter but gave up when her throbbing ribs warned her to stay put. "I get that but how can we try to repair us if you don't give us a chance? I thought we agreed on a fresh start?"
"We did!" Lauren balled her hands into fists, failing to contain her frustration. "But there's only so much that we can fix here in Brazil."
The brunette grew irritated again. "How can you say that? A fresh start is just that – it's a complete do-over!"
Lauren clenched her jaw. She was annoyed that she wasn't expressing herself properly. "I know that you're frustrated about this. I am, too. But being in Brazil isn't the same as being in Toronto. Our relationship is not subjected to the same issues here as we would have there. I am not subjected to the same issues here as I am there. That's why I couldn't promise you anything more than friendship. I know my kissing you crossed that line… I won't let that happen again." She explained as calmly as she could.
Bo felt dejected. "Have I not proven myself?"
"Yes, you have." Lauren replied tenderly as she leaned forward against the bed.
Bo heard the emotion in the blonde's voice and grew emboldened. "Then why make this more complicated than it has to be? I love you and you love me. We can get through anything together. Just let me be there for you."
Lauren was exhausted and her emotional fortitude had waned. "Because love is not enough! The Fae here don't treat me like shit beneath their feet!" she yelled as she pushed away from the bed, startling the brunette in the process. "You can't be around me 24-7 to make my life better, Bo. That's not possible." she said as she wrapped her arms around her torso.
The doctor was exasperated by her situation. She looked down and took a deep breath to compose herself. After a few moments, she regarded Bo; her voice cracking as it broke through the strained silence. "Do you know how unbearable it's going to be to adjust to that life again after experiencing freedom and respect here? And then to have to deal with Dyson and Tamsin pining over you and telling me how inadequately human I am?"
Bo's tone softened upon hearing the cops' names. "I will continue to say this till you believe me, Lauren. All I want is for you to be happy. I will do everything that I can to make sure that you are. You are all that I need. You are the only person I want to be with."
Her faith in Bo had been shaken to the core and Lauren didn't know how to respond.
Lauren's silence ate at Bo's self-assurance. The brunette had never felt so vulnerable but she knew that she had to keep trying. "What more do I have to do to prove myself? How many hurdles must I jump? Just tell me and I'll do it." Bo implored and immediately cradled her side, scowling at the pain.
Lauren shook her head sadly. "I don't mean to hurt you but this isn't about you or us. It's about me. I know that you've changed but it doesn't negate the hurdles that I will have to face in Toronto. I need to see how things will play out there before I can make any decisions about anything in my life."
The emotional roller coaster finally took its toll on the Succubus and she snapped. "Just say it, Lauren. You don't trust me! What you really mean is that you want to see how things will play out with Dyson, Tamsin and myself."
Lauren didn't flinch at the accusation; instead her voice remained calm and steady. "I trust you with my life Bo and I want to be able to trust you with my heart but I don't know if I can"
Bo squeezed her eyes tightly to stem the flow of tears. Lauren's lack of trust was a festering wound that wasn't healing and she knew she was the reason for it. Taking a cleansing breath, she opened her eyes and looked into hazel orbs. "I can't apologize enough for hurting you. I regret it every day and I want more than anything to make things right between us. But Lauren, I almost died. Life is short. We shouldn't waste it."
"Don't you think I know this?!" Lauren bellowed in frustration as she gestured wildly. "I didn't realize how much I took my life for granted before the Fae… regular, everyday things like talking to my parents and having coffee with a friend; or the simple act of going to work without fear of segregation, humiliation or punishment. My life and happiness – or lack thereof - are consequences of my decisions. Decisions made with my heart instead of my head." Lauren steamrolled on. "My sacrifices for you and Na-". She took a deep breath but it was too late. Even though she didn't say Nadia's name outright, she might as well have: the rage in Bo's eyes told her so. "What I mean to say is, I've realized that I need to adjust the way I make decisions. That's why I have to be logical about this."
Lauren rubbed her temples as she reined in her emotions. When she looked back at Bo, she had a sad but determined look in her eyes and her voice was calm. "You've been incredibly patient and respectful of my wishes and I appreciate that. But I need to stay focused. Until I can see for myself how things are in Toronto – not just with Dyson and Tamsin but being back as a ward of the Light - I can only offer you my friendship. If you still want it. I don't expect you to wait for me and I know that I could lose you but I can't see any other way to do this."
Hurt flashed across Bo's face. She had bared her feelings to Lauren but it didn't seem to make a difference. She had made huge strides in proving herself but it was all for nothing. Lauren had made her decision and she couldn't convince her otherwise. She felt dejected for being so hopeful. She was also annoyed, sad and frustrated but mostly, her heart and pride had been ripped to shreds. Bo hastily started to rebuild the walls that she had torn down around her heart; she was done talking. "I'm tired. I need to sleep." Bo said abruptly, effectively putting an end to their conversation.
Lauren had been bracing for some sort of reaction so she wasn't caught off guard by her curtness. However, when Bo struggled to move the pillows propped up behind her, she couldn't stop herself from offering to help.
"Don't touch me!" the brunette snapped as she moved away from helpful hands and grimaced while wrestling with the pillows.
Lauren felt the sting from the Succubus' snub and stopped in mid-stride. Straightening her posture, she put her cool, detached doctor persona back into place and suppressed the fact that she was upset. "Very well. I will talk to César and make arrangements. Get some rest."
Bo turned her head away and didn't respond. Lauren looked at her sadly and tried to think of something to say to make things right but nothing came to mind. Dejected, she quickly picked up her files and left the room.
Day 9 – Mid-morning
Lauren waited in the lobby for the last of the volunteers to leave. César had been eager to help Bo and had personally spoken to the twenty-four villagers who had agreed to assist with the Succubus' healing. The blonde wasn't looking forward to Bo's gruffness but she needed to check on her. Besides, her concerns would only be alleviated by examining Bo herself. Releasing a deep breath, Lauren steeled herself before she knocked and entered.
"Hi. How are you feeling?" she asked politely as she stood uncomfortably near the door. The empty bed represented the great divide between them. Bo was on her feet and paced on the other side of the room.
The brunette didn't even glance at her and instead responded bluntly. "I'm fine. Can I leave?"
Lauren remained composed and didn't react to her abruptness. From where she stood, she saw that Bo had regained colour in her cheeks and was moving about without pain. "I'd like to perform a quick examination first if you don't mind." she said as calmly as possible.
Bo stilled her movements and put her hands on her hips defiantly before looking over at Lauren. "There's no need. I'm good as new." she said impatiently, her tone barely concealing how rattled she felt from being together in the same room.
Lauren kept her voice neutral despite the anxiety that churned her stomach. "I know that you're upset Bo but I'm just trying to help."
"You want to have a quick look? As you wish. But will you be able to remain professional, doctor? You don't want to be sending mixed signals now." Bo's tone dripped with sarcasm. The brunette promptly lifted her shirt long enough for Lauren to observe her flawless skin before twisting at her waist to show the ease of her mobility. "See?! My ribs are fine. I'm fine!"
Lauren restrained herself from lashing back. Instead, she suppressed her frustration and forced a tight lipped smile. "I'm glad that you're fully healed. I won't keep you." However, watching the brunette make her way towards the exit, she knew that she couldn't leave things as they were. "Bo, can we-"
"I can't. I have to find Kenzi." Bo interrupted, keeping her tone clipped and detached.
Lauren held back her tears as she watched the door close behind the Succubus. The moment and the emotions all too familiar.
Medical Hut – noon
The Empath opened the door to the room and found Lauren hunched over some files scattered about the bed. "Hey, there you are! I was looking for you."
Lauren looked up, slightly distracted. "You found me. Where have you been anyway? I haven't seen you since last night."
Nayara sauntered up to the bed. "I just got in. I had to return to Base Camp last night to make sure everything was ready so I didn't get much sleep. What's your excuse though? You still look like crap."
Lauren ignored her friend's observation. "That's right, I completely forgot. Is everything set?"
"Everything's good to go. There shouldn't be any hiccups. Anyway, quit avoiding my question. What's up?"
The blonde slumped her shoulders. "Oh, the usual."
"Bo." Nayara said as a statement and not a question. "I just saw her with Kenzi. I'm surprised you two aren't joined at the hip after everything that happened yesterday."
Lauren looked at her friend, tiredly. "Well, that would be awkward seeing that she's ignoring me."
"What!? Why?"
She released a heavy sigh and leaned against the bed for support. She was about to speak but instead, burst into tears and burrowed her head in her hands.
Nayara quickly made her way over to her friend and pulled her into her arms. "Hey now, it's okay." she whispered comfortingly as she hugged her tightly. "What happened?"
Lauren hiccupped through her tears. "I made a mess of everything."
Meanwhile…
Bo stood staring out at the river while Kenzi cradled a cup between her hands. The younger woman observed her friend as she sipped at her coffee. She noticed Bo was strangely quiet. "Why are we here?"
"Hmm?" the brunette murmured distractedly.
"Thinking of taking up hunting alligators instead of Under Fae?"
The question broke the brunette out of her contemplation and she cast a puzzled look at her friend. "What?!"
"Just wondering why we're standing near the spot where you almost got killed battling a ginormous alligator."
Bo let out a loud sigh as she looked back at the river. It was so still and quiet that the surface glinted like glass under the sun. Despite her nightmare and the dangers that existed beneath its waters, the Succubus found it strangely peaceful and mesmerizing and was thankful for the temporary distraction it provided.
Kenzi's concern grew. A quiet, contemplative Bo was not a good sign; the last time she was like this, Lauren had just left Toronto. Gently grabbing her arm to get her attention, she pulled her friend towards her. "You're scaring me Bo. What's wrong? Are you still peckish? Do you need me to scrape up a chi snack for you?"
"I'm fine. I told you, I healed this morning."
"Then what's wrong?"
"I just don't feel like being around anyone. The Main Hall is the only place to hang out till the feast starts and everyone is there."
"When you say anyone and everyone do you mean Lauren?"
Bo glanced down at her feet. "We had a fight."
"Ha! I knew it!" Kenzi excitedly threw her hands in the air.
Bo furrowed her brow as she looked back at her friend.
"I mean, I knew something was up 'cuz you were all sulky and quiet and shit. Anyway, what happened?"
The brunette turned her gaze back to the river and tried her best to be objective as she told Kenzi about the argument. However, the more she vented, the more irritated she grew. It wasn't long before she started to pace and gesture wildly.
"I poured my heart out to her. And you know what her reply was? Love wasn't enough! And that I couldn't make her life better. Then she had the nerve to say that she didn't expect me to wait for her even though she knew she could lose me! What the hell?!"
When she looked back at Kenzi, she was almost vibrating from her anger and frustration. "Everything I've done has been for what!? It doesn't matter what I had to do to get here or how much I changed or how well things were going between us. Apparently, being here in Brazil doesn't count. Lauren wants to wait till she's back in Toronto to see how things go. She probably wants to see all the different ways I'll disappoint her and screw up! Forget about feelings… she wants to be logical! All of this has been for nothing! And how I feel means nothing!"
The Goth stepped in Bo's path to stop her from pacing and gave her hand a comforting squeeze. "I'm sorry Bo. I really thought that after yesterday's epic battle, Hot Pants was personally going to look after your healing."
Kenzi's thoughts ran a mile a minute. She had enough experience with the Bo-Lauren dynamic to know that talking wasn't their forte and that she shouldn't second guess the doctor until she had all the facts. The trick was to guide Bo towards that same path. "Maybe you just need to give Lauren a little more time to figure stuff out. Things have been good for her here. She's got to be scared about going back to the Light Fae in Toronto, right?"
Bo's dejection and disappointment overwhelmed her anger. Her voice, expression and posture were all crestfallen. "All I know is that she still doesn't trust me. I don't know if she ever will, Kenz. And without trust, there's no us. Maybe she just doesn't love me like she used to. Maybe she doesn't need me anymore."
Kenzi leaned into her friend. "Oh BoBo, Lauren still needs you and she definitely lurves you. You said that she didn't expect you to wait for her even though she could lose you, right? That tells me that she's still thinking about you… that she knows that it wouldn't be fair for you to put your life on hold while she's getting her shit together. If that's not love, what is? Just give her some time to get settled back in Toronto and sort out her stuff and she'll come around. Before you know it, I'll be complaining about all the sexy times you both will be having at the Crack Shack."
"She already told me that love wasn't enough." The brunette spoke dismally. Bo wiped at a stray tear; talking about her failed relationship with the love of her life was only upsetting her further. "We should head back. The feast is going to start soon and we can't be late."
"Okay but we're going to continue this talk later." The younger woman conceded not wanting to push her friend. They had only taken a couple of steps when Kenzi's eyes widened and she excitedly gripped Bo's arm with both hands. "Oooh! Do you think they're gonna have a giant roast pig on a spit like in the movies?!"
Bo and Kenzi were directed to the west side of the village to a huge, flat clearing covered in soft, green moss. The area was surrounded by tall, lush trees whose canopy of leaves acted like an umbrella protecting the space from the harsh sun. There, in the middle of all the greenery, sat an incredibly long, rectangular, wooden table - long enough to accommodate all the village residents and guests. The length of the table was lined with wooden benches and a carved, wooden chair was placed at one end. Each place setting had waxy fig leaves for plates and every inch of the table was covered with a vast array of food: vegetables, potatoes, rice, fruit and a bounty of barbequed meat. Kenzi's mouth watered at the sight and from the delicious aroma.
Both women were ushered to their seats. César sat on the ornate chair at the head of the table with his wife on his right and his son on his left. Bo was placed next to Maria and Lauren, next to Luc. This seating arrangement had the ex-lovers directly across from one another with both Kenzi and Nayara next to their best friends and the rest of the scientific team and villagers filling the remaining seats.
Loud conversations and bouts of laughter filled the air. César waited till everyone was seated before he stood to address everyone.
"I will keep this brief as our guests have to leave after the feast. We are here today to celebrate and give thanks." He turned his attention to the Succubus. "A very special and personal thank you to Bo. If not for your incredible courage and bravery, my son, Luciano would not be here today. Words cannot express how grateful Maria and I are to you. We will forever be in your debt."
The Chief waited till the applause died down before turning to the blonde doctor. "Thank you also to Lauren. Your quick medical response kept my son alive and placed safely in my arms. Maria and I cannot thank you enough."
César paused to let everyone at the table clap for Lauren before continuing with his speech. "And last but not least, an incredible thank you to Nayara and her entire team for their unyielding efforts to combat the epidemic. Because of you all, our families, friends and loved ones have a chance to survive. Our entire village, as well as all the other villages, are in your debt. Obrigado!"
All the villagers stood and shouted "Obrigado!", applauding Nayara and her team. After a minute, everyone sat back down and the Chief continued with his speech. At this point, Kenzi's attention waned and she immediately became fixated on the food laid out in front of her. To her relief, César didn't talk for much longer and as soon as he sat down, he clapped his hands once and four villagers appeared. Together, they carried a large wooden plank with a massive roasted boar resting on it; fruit was flowing out of its mouth and garnish decorated the length of its body. Kenzi's eyes sparkled with glee as she gave Bo an excited nudge with her elbow.
The Goth was in gastronomic heaven despite the tension between Bo and Lauren. "Another awesome meal checked off of my bucket list." she thought happily before turning her attention back to the ex-lovers. Bo was engaged in conversation with César and Maria while Lauren and Luciano chatted. At a quick glance, no one would suspect that there was an issue between them, however, when they weren't talking to their hosts, both women kept their heads down and quietly picked at their food.
Kenzi let out a frustrated sigh seeing them sneak subtle glances when the other wasn't looking. Their stubbornness and pride infuriated and saddened her. "I can't deal with a depressed-drunken-sexed up-brawling Bo again." She thought grimly. "I have to do something." At that moment a villager placed another helping of roast boar, potatoes and vegetables in front of her and she couldn't help but smile happily. "Later. I can't work miracles on an empty stomach."
After everyone had their fill two or three times over and it seemed like no one could chew another morsel, everyone got up and mingled. Bo was immediately swarmed by villagers all wanting to talk to her. She answered numerous questions and patiently endured polite conversations. However as soon as she was able to slip away, she ducked out of the clearing and hurried away from the crowd. The brunette desperately wanted to be alone and found herself walking towards the opposite, far end of the village in order to escape. She continued on the meandering path past the last section of huts and as she rounded the corner, she stopped abruptly.
There, stretched out on a large, wooden rack laid the monstrous skin of the Black Caiman that she had battled. She knew it was large but with the frenzy of water and adrenaline pumping through her veins, everything was distorted and she didn't have a true appreciation of its size. However, seeing it in front of her now, unobstructed, she understood why Kenzi had freaked out. Bo's eyes scanned over its immense length and gauged that its armored hide was about twenty feet long from the tip of its snout to the end of its tail. Even though it was dead and missing its teeth and claws, it still looked very imposing. Bo approached and trailed her fingers along it, feeling the rough scales beneath her fingertips. The sensation immediately catapulted her to the moment she was on its back. She could feel its scales dig into her flesh through her clothes as it rolled her repeatedly over sand, rocks and other debris on the river bed. Her arms and thighs twitched just thinking about how tightly she had held on.
Her feet moved of its own volition until she faced the creature. A shudder travelled through her as she looked into the dark hollows where its beady eyes once existed. She hadn't admitted to Kenzi or Lauren how terrified she was when she was battling this beast but looking into its empty eye sockets, she couldn't believe how lucky she was that it didn't kill her. When she was fighting it, she couldn't pulse or sway it nor could she suck its chi for fear of inhaling water. It was her versus the creature and she had felt severely outmatched.
Bo couldn't take her eyes off of the husk of the animal. It was a visual reminder of what she went through and that she very easily could've died. Fear, sorrow and regret struck her like a sucker punch to the gut and her legs buckled.
As she sat and stared at the Caiman, she replayed her argument with Lauren. The walk and time alone had helped clear her thoughts so she was now able to analyze it calmly and gauge it with a cooler head and heart. Her words to the doctor echoed in her mind: "Life is short. We shouldn't waste it." However, this time she applied those words to Lauren instead of herself. It didn't take long for understanding to set in and her stomach churned in response. "Fuck! I made a mess of everything." she groaned out as she buried her face in her hands.
Lauren scanned the crowd that had moved from the clearing and had congregated just outside the Main Hall. She couldn't find Bo however, upon spotting the Goth, made a beeline towards her. "Kenzi! Hey!" she exclaimed when she got close to the younger woman. "I saved you both a seat in our SUV. However, we have to head out soon before the rest of the team as Nay has some things she has to oversee at Base Camp."
"Um, I think we already have a ride lined up, Doc." The younger woman felt guilty fibbing but knew that her best friend wasn't ready to be around Lauren.
"Oh, okay." The blonde tried to keep the hurt out of her voice but knew she had failed miserably. "I guess I'll see you back at Base Camp then."
Kenzi watched her walk away dejectedly and instantly felt horrible. "Dammit Bo! Why do I keep getting dragged into your relationship shit?" After muttering some Russian expletives under her breath, she called after the doctor. "Hot Pants! Wait!"
The Goth jogged after her. "Look, I know things suck between you two right now but just give Bo a little time to sort out her feelings."
"I understand that she's upset but she's not the only one hurting."
"I get that Doc. Just hang in there, okay?"
Lauren nodded her head and was about to walk away when she remembered something. "Oh, I don't know if anyone told you but there's going to be a memorial service tonight for those we lost in the attack. It'll be at sunset at the fire pit. As well, we'll be flying out shortly after breakfast tomorrow so make sure you're both packed tonight."
"What time do you consider breakfast? Ten-ish?"
The blonde rolled her eyes but the smirk on her face betrayed her amusement. "Seven-thirty."
"Ugh! Really?! Why don't you grab me some breakfast? You know what I like." the Goth flashed her best toothy grin. "And don't forget coffee!"
Lauren let out a low chuckle. "I'll see you at the memorial, Kenzi." she said as she walked away.
"Think about it!" The Goth yelled after the doctor's retreating form.
Bo was on the far side of the crowd and had made her way back in time to see Kenzi and Lauren walk away from one another. She then watched as Luciano lunged towards Lauren and wrapped his arms around her waist. Seeing them talk and laugh reminded her of the first time she saw her with Luc and the other children – it was rare seeing her so happy and carefree.
Bo watched as Lauren knelt in front of Luc and listened intently to his story. The little boy gestured animatedly as he spoke and when he ended his tale, he pointed to the bandage on his arm. She caringly kissed above it and immediately burst out laughing when he pretended to swoon in her arms. Bo's heart swelled at the sight and she couldn't stop the genuine smile that formed. She knew how much Lauren loved Luc and that she would miss him terribly when she returned to Toronto.
A blow to the arm promptly brought the Succubus out of her musings. "Owww!" she exclaimed before noticing her best friend standing next to her. "What was that for?!" she asked as she rubbed her shoulder.
Kenzi agitatedly poked her with her index finger. "You owe me BoBo! Lauren saved us a seat in her SUV and I had to lie for you. I told her that we already had a ride."
"Thanks." She replied sheepishly. "I'm not ready to talk to her."
The Goth frowned. "You know you can't keep avoiding her, right?"
"I know that! I was an asshole to her Kenz. How am I supposed to face her?"
The younger woman pressed the back of her hand to Bo's forehead checking for a fever. "Who are you and what have you done with my bestie?!"
The brunette playfully swatted her friend's hand away before she grew serious again. "I'm an idiot. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself that I didn't hear what Lauren was telling me. Instead, I lashed out at her."
Kenzi was stunned; she thought she was going to have to pull Bo kicking and screaming to come to this conclusion. "How come the sudden change of heart?"
She looked at her friend. "I realized that life was short and I shouldn't waste it. You'd think almost dying would make that obvious, huh?" Bo was annoyed with herself. It was yet another mistake in a whole slew of mistakes that she had made with Lauren. "But things weren't going my way so I did my usual - I got defensive and shut her out. I couldn't see the bigger picture." she said regretfully.
The Goth held Bo's hand and gave her a comforting squeeze. "And now?"
"Now, I have to make things right. We're heading back to Toronto in a couple of days and I can't leave things like this."
Fifty minutes later
Lauren had been silent during the ride back to Base Camp, keeping her gaze fixed out her window. She was exhausted; her head and heart felt heavy and she longed for the ache to cease. "You're staring." she said quietly.
The Empath's voice held a gentle, soothing timbre. "I'm concerned."
Lauren gave her a faint smile. "I know but there's nothing you can do."
Nayara reached across the seat and patted her friend's hand comfortingly as Lauren tilted her head back against the headrest and sighed. "I just don't understand why it has to be all or nothing. Why does it have to be my happiness at the expense of my relationship or vice versa? Why can't Bo see that this isn't easy; that I'm not intentionally trying to hurt her? I'm just trying to get some sort of control of my life in whatever limited capacity it is."
The Fae Doctor looked at her sympathetically. "Maybe it's not your goal that she is upset about but rather the route you're taking to get there?"
Lauren wrinkled her brow as she contemplated the Empath's words. "Perhaps… but I need to stick to my decision if I want to make changes to my life and to my situation. This will be my only opportunity while Hale is the Acting Ash."
Nayara didn't reply. She knew that once Lauren had made up her mind, she wouldn't change it.
Silence fell over them again as Lauren looked ahead through the windshield. "We're almost there. How can I help? There must be some odds and ends that need to be sorted out before the memorial starts."
Nayara shook her head sadly. "It's fine. It's my responsibility."
Lauren heard the sorrow in the Empath's voice and immediately turned her attention back to her friend, observing closely. "Nay, you know what happened wasn't your fault right? No one could've predicted that."
"I know but they were still out there because of me… they were following my orders." She sighed out.
This time it was Lauren's turn to provide comfort as she gently grabbed Naraya's wrist, pulled her close and kept their hands linked. She hoped that she could get her friend to see reason. "That's true but you forget that they wanted to be there. They all wanted to help their people and make a difference. And they did."
Nayara gave her a melancholy smile, appreciating her reassurances. "Thanks. Anyway…there's not a whole lot left to do."
"Are you sure?" Lauren was more concerned about her friend than with the preparations. She should've known that Nayara would've automatically blamed and held herself responsible for the deaths of their teammates and felt badly for not realizing this sooner.
Nayara nodded. "I'm sure. Besides, you should get some rest; you didn't get much sleep last night."
The blonde looked into her friend's eyes and studied her closely before conceding. "Alright. But will you wake me if you need help?"
"I will." She nodded.
Lauren bumped her shoulder with hers. "No, you won't."
The Empath chuckled heartily. "You're right. I won't. But I will wake you before the memorial starts."
Fire Pit
Nayara was putting the final touches to the large mural that had been erected next to the stage. Affixed to the wall, were six 8.5 inch by 14 inch framed photos of the scientists and security personnel that had died. She gazed sadly at each photo and let out a shaky breath. She knew them all well as she had handpicked each and every one for the team and had worked alongside them for months.
The Empath normally didn't attend memorials or funerals due to the intensity of emotions at such events. It had been far too many years since she had been to one; the last one being her own family's. She felt the heaviness in her heart and was concerned as to whether she would be able to block out everyone's grief while also dealing with her own.
Taking a cleansing breath, she tried to clear her mind and her emotions. Nayara knew she had to hold it together as the service wasn't about her; it was about the six men and women they were going to honour.
It was almost sunset when Bo and Kenzi reached Base Camp. Theirs was the last SUV to arrive so by the time they made it to the Fire Pit they got the last two end seats in the back row. The brunette had been cursing her cowardice during the entire ride and wished that she had driven back with Lauren instead. She had been marinating in her regret and immaturity and really wanted to apologize. And upon seeing the pictures of Lauren's dead teammates, she now had a strong desire to comfort her.
Bo scanned the sea of heads for Lauren but with the fading sunlight and being seated at the very back, she couldn't see her. "Kenz, do you see her?"
"No but the super nerd that she is, she's probably sitting up front." The Goth said without even looking.
Before Bo could reply, the person next to her, handed her two candles – one for her and the other to pass to Kenzi. Glancing about her, the Succubus noticed that everyone now held a taper and there was a person standing at the start of each row of seats including their own. Just as Bo was about to enquire about the candle, Nayara took the stage and all conversations and murmurings immediately ceased.
Nayara addressed the crowd with a gentle smile. "Boa noite. Good evening. It's rare but wonderful to have both shifts here at Base Camp. We've all been through a great deal these past months… We've worked hard and played hard; we've seen extreme illness and death but also witnessed extreme joy, kindness and courage; and together, we have all committed to the same, common goal. Because of all these experiences, we're more than just a team. We're a family."
"Normally a concert is held on the last day in the field to celebrate life; to show appreciation for what we have; to honour and remember who and what we've lost; and to recognize the importance of Fae and humans working side by side as equals."
The Empath turned towards the mural. "We are here to remember six individuals. They were our co-workers and friends… they were our family. They've left behind husbands, wives and children; mothers and fathers; brothers and sisters."
Nayara looked at the faces before her and took a steadying breath as she felt their emotions grow. "On that fateful day thirteen of us left Base Camp but only seven returned. We cannot ignore the void of their absence nor can we ignore the pain of their loss. Only time can heal these wounds."
"Tonight we celebrate and pay tribute to the family we've lost by showing our appreciation for who they were and by honouring and remembering what they accomplished. Their dedication, decency, professionalism, love, friendship and sacrifice will never be forgotten… just as they will never be forgotten."
"Join me in lighting a candle in their memory so that they will forever shine in our hearts, our minds and our spirits."
Nayara lit her candle and started to sing a slow, melancholy song. This cued the staff standing at each row, to light the candle of the person in the chair closest to them. They in turn, lit the taper of the person seated next to them; this continued on to the right until every candle in each row had a flame. Everyone listened with rapt attention as Nayara's haunting voice enveloped them like a blanket, providing comfort and warmth. With the photos of their fallen comrades, the Empath's heartfelt speech, her beautiful voice and the meaningful song, there wasn't a dry eye at the gathering.
Once Bo's candle was lit, she turned her attention back to the stage. After listening carefully, she realized that Nayara was singing in Portuguese and despite not understanding the words being sung, she appreciated that it was a beautiful song. "Of course Nayara can sing." she muttered before adding admiringly, "Really well."
Despite Bo's slight lingering jealousy to the Fae healer, Kenzi knew that she was working on getting past her insecurities. Not trusting her voice, she nodded in agreement and subtly wiped at damp cheeks.
Bo leaned in and whispered to her friend. "Are you crying?"
The Goth shook her head. "I have an eyelash in my eye." She replied lamely.
Meanwhile, Nayara struggled. She was quickly unravelling from the sorrow over her friends; the memory of her own family's funeral; the poignancy of the song she was singing; and the outpouring of grief from her colleagues. The emotions were too strong for her to keep at bay and her voice cracked in mid-note. The audience watched with sympathy as she immediately stopped singing, bowed her head and covered her eyes with a trembling hand.
The Empath was drowning in a sea of emotions and fought to keep her head above it all. It was only when she felt fingers travel up her forearm and take a hold of her hand covering her eyes that she was able to come up for air. Warm brown eyes found her own, offering her strength and comfort. Lauren held her hand firmly and continued to look into her eyes as she started singing from where Nayara had left off. The Fae healer smiled at her friend gratefully and after taking a cleansing breath to collect herself, she joined the blonde; their voices complimenting each other beautifully.
Kenzi looked over to Bo in astonishment. "Woah! Did you know Hot Pants could sing? And in another language!?"
Bo shook her head, completely speechless and captivated by Lauren's voice. She wasn't surprised when the blonde had gotten up from her seat and went on stage to help Nayara as Lauren would do anything for the people she cared about. However, this level of help was definitely unexpected. Bo breathed out in wonder, "She's full of surprises."
The audience quickly recovered from seeing their leader overcome with grief and instantly stood and sang along with the two doctors. Their voices were passionate, loud and unabashed. Slowly, they made their way out of each row and in single file, formed a procession of lights as they walked towards the mural. It was a beautiful sight to see –flames dancing in the darkness and casting a soft glow on each face. One by one, tapers were planted in the containers of sand beneath the framed photos, creating a warm spotlight on those that they lost. By the time the song ended, candles lined the length of the mural and everyone was hugging one another with tears streaking down their faces; their grief, lessened in the moment.
Bo and Kenzi were moved by everyone's sorrow and respectfully remained out of the way. The Goth nudged her friend with her elbow when she noticed her gazing at Lauren. "Why don't you go talk to her?"
"I don't want to intrude on their emotional moment." she explained.
Bo turned her attention back to the Lauren. The two doctors were hugging and when they pulled apart, both had tears flowing down their cheeks. They managed to smile reassuringly at one another. The brunette was about to walk towards them but stopped when various members of their team joined them on stage. Even though she understood that this was an emotional time for everyone, she couldn't help but grow more nervous and anxious the longer she had to wait for a private moment with Lauren. It terrified her that she might not get another chance and that she didn't have much time before leaving, to make things right.
Lauren felt horrible seeing her friend break down. She had been so strong for the entire team and hadn't once let her feelings show. That she has been too preoccupied with Bo and her own grief to even consider how the service would've affected Nayara, intensified her guilt. "I'm sorry. I'm a horrible friend. I should've known that this memorial would've been hardest on you. I don't know how you were able to power through your own emotions, as well as everyone else's."
Nayara let out a sad chuckle as she wiped damp cheeks. "I didn't."
"You know what I mean." Lauren said as she also dried her eyes.
The Empath shrugged nonchalantly. "It's my gift and my burden… besides, I'm better now, thanks to you."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. It was a lot of intense emotions all at once but now that the memorial is over, it's no longer overwhelming."
Lauren's scientific curiosity grabbed a hold of her and was about to ask Nayara a question about her abilities when she saw Bo walking towards them.
The Succubus greeted them. "Lauren, Nayara... I'm very sorry for your loss."
She acknowledged her with a tight smile and clenched her jaw as she prepared herself for a fight but none came. Instead, Bo addressed the Empath politely. "It was a very moving service Nayara. Everyone was touched by your words. I'm sure their families would've appreciated it."
"Thank you. That's nice of you to say." Nayara said as she observed them awkwardly avoid each other's gaze. The Empath knew that they had a lot to talk about. "Lauren, thank you... you helped more than you could ever know." She said warmly as she took the blonde's hand in hers and gave it a quick reassuring squeeze. "Now if you both would excuse me, there's a matter that I need to attend to."
Lauren stood on stage uncomfortably after her friend left. She was emotionally exhausted from the last couple of days and even though she was surprised that Bo sought her out and seemed willing to talk, she didn't have the emotional or physical energy to handle more stress today.
"How are you?" Bo asked nervously after an uneasy silence.
"I'm fine." Lauren said curtly, unintentionally using the same term that the Succubus had used on her earlier. She was trying not to be abrupt but she couldn't help being guarded around her. "What do you want, Bo?" Her heart was racing as she crossed her arms across her chest and braced herself for whatever her ex-girlfriend was about to say.
The brunette looked into her eyes. "I want to apologize. I was too busy being an immature jerk to hear what you were saying. I felt hurt, rejected and frustrated and I lashed out at you instead of talking with you. You didn't deserve that."
Bo bit her lower lip nervously before continuing with her apology. "I know I can be slow at seeing the big picture but I get it now. Life is short and you're tired of things being the way they are. You want to change things; to make a better life for yourself using the time that you have... I'm sorry that I was too self-involved to see that. What I should've said yesterday was that you'll never lose me because I'm not going anywhere and I very much want your friendship if you're still offering it."
Lauren observed her silently. She was very surprised to hear her heartfelt apology. However, as much as she was thankful that Bo was finally communicating, she was still upset about how she had treated her. "After everything that has happened between us, give me one good reason why I should forgive you."
"I don't have one." Bo replied honestly. "I was an asshole to you and I'm really surprised that you haven't told me to fuck off."
"That's not a reason."
Bo's eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Don't you think I want you to forgive me? I do! But even I wouldn't forgive me."
Lauren remained quiet; her steely gaze never drifting. Bo assumed that her fears had come true and quickly crumbled under her silence. Demoralized, she turned to leave however the doctor's voice stopped her before she stepped off the stage.
Lauren was surprised that she sounded calm despite her rapid heartbeat. "It was never my intention to hurt you. I am sorry for that. But that didn't give you the right to treat me the way you did. I only let you lash out because I knew you were hurting. But know that I will never let you treat me that way again. I've been treated with disrespect, belittled and snubbed by the Fae; I won't accept that from what few friends I have. I would rather walk away from them and be alone."
Bo hung her head in shame.
The blonde pressed on. "When I said that all I could offer you was my friendship it was because I didn't want you to wait for me for however long it would take to sort things out. It wouldn't be fair to you. I wasn't rejecting you; I was trying to be considerate. I'm also sorry that you felt that I didn't appreciate your efforts because I do. I know that you've been trying and that you've been patient… it's just that my focus has to be on my plan to make my life better. I need to think about myself and my future. You may not agree with the way I want to handle things but I ask that you respect my decision."
Bo looked into Lauren's eyes. "I get that now. And you're right, I don't agree with how you want to tackle your plan but it's your life and your decision and I will support you any way I can."
Lauren had been angry but after telling Bo how she felt, it was as if a heavy weight had been lifted off her chest. She felt lighter and was no longer bogged down and distracted by those negative emotions. Now she could focus on what was important. She had heard and felt the sorrow and regret in the brunette's voice and was relieved to know that Bo finally understood her point of view. "I'm glad that you feel that way because I can't do this alone. I need you, Bo. I need our friendship. But we have to work on our communication and our insecurities with one another for us to work. I'm willing to give it another shot if you are."
Bo couldn't hold back her grin as tears rolled down her cheeks. She had assumed that Lauren wouldn't forgive her and was incredibly happy that she was wrong. "I am!"
Lauren smiled and it shone in her eyes.
The Succubus fidgeted nervously. "Um, can I hug you?"
Lauren didn't reply and instead, stepped into her personal space. Bo didn't hesitate to wrap her arms around her. All the anger, stress and worry immediately drained away, leaving only joy and relief as they quickly fell into a relaxed embrace. All sounds and activity around them disappeared as they got lost in the sensation of being in each other's arms. The blonde nuzzled her face into the Succubus' neck while Bo buried her nose in her hair. Lauren was content having Bo in her arms; it felt comfortable; it felt right.
Bo held her tighter. "I just want you to be happy." she said in a tone barely above a whisper.
The blonde smiled tenderly against her. "I want the same for you too."
Author's Notes:
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