John Paul couldn't sleep. He turned in the arms that clung onto him, but even as he moved in closer to rest his head against the skin that was more familiar to him than his own; he still felt no comfort, no relief in the night from the thoughts that plagued him. He wanted to believe that he wasn't a selfish person, that his past didn't equal his present. But as he felt the arms around him tighten and move against his back he was reminded of all the pain he had caused over the last few days; and he couldn't ignore it. He could no longer deny the fact that he was selfish. That he had been selfish.
He lifted his head in the darkness to look up at Craig's face; the fact that he lay here now in Craig's arms was just as surprising to him as it was to anyone else. He knew that the general opinion was that he had been waiting for this, waiting for Craig to come back so they could be like this again. But the truth was; the truth that most people would never understand is that John Paul had been completely staggered by Craig's arrival, and even more so by the feelings that came flooding back to him as soon as he laid eyes on him.
It wasn't about being convinced he had moved on from Craig; because he had moved on. As the time passed with Craig not there he had moved on, lived his life, he had been happy. Happy with the life he was living, with the love he had found; with Kieron.
Kieron was just as unexpected as the returning feelings he had for Craig now. He just didn't see them coming. Kieron came into his life and turned everything upside down, everything he was feeling and everything he believed. The constant doubts he had at the start of their relationship had faded away and all that was clear to John Paul was the love he felt for him. The one thing that made him so sure that no matter what happened, he knew he had made the right choice; the right choice in choosing to be with him. Even when almost everyone around him was telling him it was wrong; but they didn't know and they couldn't understand that everything about it felt right.
And yet here he was; just a month after promises of love forever to Kieron he was back in Craig's arms, back to the one person who seemed to have a constant hold on him. But even that first moment, the moment he saw Craig back here, he never expected this. He had accepted a long time ago that some people don't change; they are the way they are and that's just how it is. He had accepted that was who Craig was always going to be; someone who would never be able to really be the person who could stand up and be proud to be with John Paul.
Even just a few days ago when he came back with promises of him having changed, that he could be that person; John Paul still doubted it all. He pushed it all aside; he had everything he wanted with Kieron and he loved him. He had spent so much fighting against what everyone else thought and even his own feelings, they were finally in a place where they were happy and comfortable, and he wanted and needed that to be real. So why had everything always been such a struggle between the two of them? Why towards the end had everything been such a fight? He remembered Kieron's words ringing in his head after he slammed the door just a week ago and found himself ending up here on Craig's doorstep.
"It shouldn't be this hard John Paul. When you love someone... it should just be like breathing. And we're suffocating"
Kieron's words had stung him. It had been like a knife stabbing him through the heart because John Paul knew why they were suffocating. It was because of him. He heard all the talk of weddings, all the mounting pressure and the realisation of what he had done was crashing around him and he did what only he knew how to do. He pulled away. Pushed Kieron away and blocked out everything else. The thing that he hated himself the most about was that he did it with such ease, he didn't second guess it and before he knew it was stood in front of Kieron saying nothing in confirmation that it was over. He didn't even need to speak as Kieron questioned him; his silence had said it all. He seemed to have guessed what was going on before even he did.
He felt Craig shift beside him and move closer, the warmth of his skin relaxing him slightly. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, it was such a bittersweet happiness the feeling he had now. Because here in Craig's arms and the safety of these four walls it was easy to pretend that nothing beyond them existed. But the truth and reality was so much harsher and the fact was he had revealed it to no one. Not even Craig, especially not Craig. How could he explain to Craig how he was feeling? How could he expect Craig to understand it, when he wasn't even sure if he did?
The weeks after he had walked away from Kieron seemed to pass by in a blur, at first he avoided the flat and he avoided his family. In fact apart from Craig he avoided everyone, he was a coward and Craig had told him just that every day. The change in Craig was staggering, it was still him. Still the same boy he had fallen in love with, but now added to that was something different, some sense of seeing the world, moving away from the protective bubble he had been protected in so long, he was able to see the world through his own eyes rather than someone else's, he had his own views and thoughts and most of all John Paul could see Craig wasn't afraid anymore. The fear that had been Craig's companion had got lost somewhere in their year apart and now it was nowhere to be found.
Craig's view on Kieron had surprised him the most; there was no hint of jealousy. No snide comments, just the constant bugging from him that really he should go and see him. Perhaps if Craig knew the truth of it he wouldn't be pushing him so much to see Kieron.
He had been feeling brave one day, either that or pushed into it by Craig and found himself walking through the village, his head hanging low. His first stop he thought should really be his parents, no better way to put off something that to make excuses. He thought they would be the easiest as well, but the reaction he got from his Mum and sisters... well, it hurt like hell.
"You finally showing your face then?"
"You might want to avoid Mum; you aren't her favourite person right now."
"Well you've certainly outdone yourself this time John Paul. Last time it was Sarah and well now you managed to hurt Kieron even worse than that I think."
His sister's words had cut through him like knives, every word they spoke etched onto his brain, promising to forever be a painful reminder of what he had done. His Mum was the worst though. As soon as he saw him he face fell and she turned her back walking into the kitchen. Carmel stalked past him shaking her head and slamming the door firmly behind her as she left with her sisters. It left the house empty and quiet with neither him nor his Mum speaking.
"How could you John Paul? I don't understand you. You told me you loved him. You told everyone and most importantly you told him. You made him believe the two of you had a future and then you ripped it from under him in the cruellest of ways. Why? Sometimes I look at you and I don't even recognise who you are. Is this who you want to be? Someone who hurts people like this? I always thought you and Craig were just... it's not right the way you are with one another. It's not healthy. The two of you have far too much power over one another. I wanted so much more for you."
That was the moment he broke down. Right there in his Mum's living room. Broken sobs and silent screams all pouring out of him after a week of pretending he was okay. She comforted him of course, as any Mother would, but it was still strained and it was still hard for to accept the choice John Paul had made. He barely spoke to her about what caused him so much pain. She wouldn't understand that; there was no possible way. So he kept it to himself, as usual and he resigned himself to the fact that maybe she would never be able to accept the choice he had made, but maybe in time she could learn to live with it, just as John Paul had to.
He couldn't go and see Kieron after that, he went straight back to Craig's. It was strange that he found the person to be most welcoming was Frankie. She never said it but she seemed to look at him with an understanding that no one else did. She didn't ask him questions when she seemed to know he didn't want to talk and she didn't argue when Craig had said John Paul was staying there, she had just nodded her head and smiled returning to whatever it was she had been doing. Steph however wasn't quite so silent about it, not that he blamed her one bit.
She bounded into the room one day where John Paul was hiding as usual as she slammed it shut behind her. Her eyes full of angry tears and before she could even open her mouth to speak more tears were falling and she struggled to compose herself. Her words were a string of questions, ones that John Paul couldn't even answer and it didn't seem like she was expecting one.
"Why haven't you been to see him? Do you have any idea how much he is suffering right now John Paul? I have never seen anyone so broken in my entire life, so completely lost."
He just sat there unblinking staring at her. No wonder why she got so angry. She was practically screaming now.
"What is wrong with you? Why are you just sitting there? I thought you loved him! How can you say you love someone and treat them like this? Was it just a lie John Paul? If it was why did you even tell him. You owe him an explanation; his just sat around there going over everything and you don't even care do you? As long as you've got what you want right? You and Craig make me sick."
The last words hit him harder than anything else, it was like he had been punched in the stomach and the wind had been kicked out of him. The next day he did go and see Kieron, well he got to the door of the flat and he managed to lift his hand to the door to knock. He could hear the faint noise of the TV coming from the flat. He let his hand drop and his mind wandered back to just a few weeks ago when everything had been so different. He had been sat there curled up in Kieron's arms and he felt safe and wanted and loved like nothing was going to break that. How wrong he had been.
He could hear someone moving around in there, and he tried to imagine what Kieron would be doing, he tried to imagine what they would be doing if he was in there now. If they were still together. He sighed heavily and rested his head against the door, pressing his hand against the wood. This wasn't how things were supposed to be and this wasn't how he wanted things to end. He just wanted to burst through the door and talk to Kieron, to see his face, to him smile his beautiful smile and he wanted to make everything right again.
But he couldn't, and he had made his choice.
He turned and walked away from Kieron for the second time but this time Kieron was completely unaware, and in a way it made it even harder. Particularly when he was met with Niall on his way out. The blazing look on Niall's face said it all and John Paul was more than willing just to walk on by without a word being spoken, but Niall made it pretty clear that wasn't going to happen.
John Paul felt himself being spun around and thrown against the wall, he expected Niall to be in his face then but he wasn't. He just stared at him from the opposite wall his eyes still angry and full of questions.
"You finally decided to show your face then?"
John Paul wasn't stupid; he knew he wasn't going to get away with tears or just not answering Niall's questions. He would wait, he'd stand there all day wanting an answer off John Paul and he would push until he got it.
"Come on. What you got to say for yourself? I just hope for your sake you haven't left him in a worse state than he was when I left this morning."
"I didn't go in. I couldn't... is he okay...?"
"No. No his not fucking okay John Paul. His heart is broken and his blaming himself and he is convinced he deserves all of it. That he deserved to have his heart broken by you. His managed to convince himself that this is some kind of punishment. But that's not what even pisses me off the most. I catch him staring at his bloody phone, looking at the pictures of you and him, watching the videos on it, I watch him every morning throw everything of yours into bags and walk out the door to throw it all away only to come back moments later with it all holding it closely in his arms. What pisses me off most of all is that for some reason he still loves you and you could walk back in that door and say you changed your mind and he'd forgive you. And you don't even deserve it. And you certainly don't deserve him."
He was gone then, everything he had clearly been wanting to say to John Paul finally out there and been said. They were the last blow to John Paul. The last knock to the system that sent him hurtling over the edge. All he had to do was go back to Craig and smile widely like he had been doing for the last two weeks and pretend he had got every single thing he wanted in his life. Added to that, he had to pretend that he was happy about the party Frankie was throwing tomorrow.
When he got back though things didn't go as planned, it was late. Later than he had even realised and as soon as he saw Craig, his deep brown concerned eyes looking him up and down sensing immediately that something wasn't right. And he broke down. The weeks of sadness he hadn't let himself feel, the sadness he had convinced himself he didn't deserve to feel. Still he didn't speak; he just let Craig hold him, whispering into his ear that everything was going to be okay. That he'd be okay.
And now here he found himself in the darkened room, still hiding away the truth. Half of him wanting to be here with Craig and the other half wanting to run to Kieron. Because that was the truth of it.
He was in love with Kieron Hobbs. A man who had taught him so much about himself in just a few months, someone who had changed his life. Someone who he missed so much that it made his heart ache. But how could he tell Craig that? How could he expect Craig to understand that?
"John Paul. Please talk to me. I can't stand it."
John Paul turned his head and was met with Craig's eyes looking closely at his face. They were filled with anguish and worry, and the guilt surged through John Paul. Craig shifted closer to him, his hands moving beneath the covers gripping onto John Paul's.
"I haven't wanted to push you. I can't... I've been trying to sort of let you work through whatever it is you've clearly been trying to. But watching you John Paul it hurts. It's exhausting just watching you make the effort to pretend to be okay. If you aren't its okay. Just please talk to me."
John Paul sighed heavily and turned his whole body to face Craig's. He let go of the hand that was holding onto his and moved it up to stroke across Craig's face. There he was thinking he had been easily hiding his feelings away, he really should have known better. Craig knew him better than that, and John Paul really should have known.
"I miss Kieron."
Craig nodded. "I know."
"Everyone's been telling me how hard it is for him right now. And I hate myself and its breaking my heart, because..." He heard his voice crack and the tears welled in his eyes again and there was no holding them back.
"Because you're in love with him."
"Yes." John Paul felt his body being pulled in tightly against Craig's. He rested his head against Craig's chest closing his eyes, breathing in deeply, allowing the comfort he felt in that moment to pass through him.
"It's okay you know? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I just... I didn't want... I can't say it. I can't tell you."
"Please." Craig's voice was soft and pleading.
"I didn't want you to be a part of it." John Paul's voice was a soft murmur. He expected Craig's grip on him to loosen, but he only held on tighter pushing their bodies closer.
"I didn't want you to know anything about the way I feel about Kieron. I wanted to keep it just for myself and I've been trying for the past two weeks to pretend that I'm okay with the choice I made. And most of the time I am. I know I love you and I know this is what I have to do. But it doesn't stop me loving him, and it doesn't change the fact that I've broken his heart and that mine is breaking too. I just keep thinking that his never going to look at me in the way he used to ever again. He'll never... I miss him. I want to see him, but there's nothing to say and I don't deserve to see him and I don't deserve to feel bad or upset or miss him, because this is all my doing. But I do, and it's killing me."
He could feel Craig's body shaking slightly now, and he knew just as he was that Craig was crying. Not for the same reason, but the tears fell and John Paul shifted his arms so he could hold onto Craig tighter too. This is exactly why he hadn't wanted to tell Craig. He deserved to suffer, this was his choice. But what exactly had Craig done? He hadn't forced John Paul to choose him, he would have walked away if that was what John Paul had wanted and he still would now.
"Why didn't you tell me? I've been telling you to go and see him. Why didn't you? You said what a great guy he is. You really think he'd just turn away and not want to talk to you?"
"No. He'd talk to me. I just... I wasn't expecting any of this. I've hurt him enough and..."
John Paul's voice trailed off, he didn't even know what he wanted to say. If really there was anything left to say now. Craig knew the truth of it and John Paul felt unsettled, like he had revealed his deepest darkest secrets and the guilt was overwhelming. Craig was silent now, his arms still tightly around him, had he upset Craig as well. Had he hurt him with his honesty the same as he had Kieron?
"Is this still what you want John Paul? I mean are you absolutely sure. I've never seen you like this before. Are you sure I'm who you want? If you have changed your mind... that's okay I mean, you know I'll always love you... I just want you to be happy, whoever it's with."
John Paul moved his head to look up at Craig. His eyes were still shining with the tears he had head, and they looked torn, John Paul knew Craig meant every word he had just spoken but at the same time he could see how much strength it had taken for him to say that. John Paul shook his head.
"It doesn't change anything Craig. If I don't do this, then I'll never know and you and me... I want this. It's just... I need some time to feel this way."
Craig nodded and pressed his lips against John Paul's forehead. The two of them didn't speak again that night. John Paul wasn't sure when he drifted off to sleep but he was pretty sure that light was shining through the window and that Craig was still awake too, looking down on John Paul watching him.
When John Paul did finally wake up, Craig wasn't at his side and he knew it must have been later than he should have slept in. He had far too much to do and remembered the god awful party he would have to attend. It was the last thing he wanted, but Frankie had insisted and she had been so good about everything else. Denying that one thing seemed sort of ungrateful. The rest of the morning, what was left of it, passed by quickly. He got showered and dressed and went to his Mum's to pack away the rest of his things. He basically did everything that should have been done in the week in one hour. His Mum helped, despite the looks of disappointed. She couldn't hide the fact that she didn't want to leave, and she didn't hide the fact that she hated that it was with Craig.
She didn't mention Kieron, not this time. She promised to be at the party and that she would bring everyone else. It filled him with a sense of relief that at least she would be there, even if she couldn't fully support his choice.
Before he knew it the morning was gone and the party had started and he found it all a bit overwhelming. He had barely any time to think and even less time to talk to Craig. He kept being dragged off by his sisters and receiving cold and sad looks from Steph. Every now and then he would catch Craig's eye and he would smile widely and he felt reassured as he was pulled around the party and dragged outside. Pretty soon everyone was out there and the time was ticking away.
He wanted to leave the party desperately. He wanted to find Kieron and say goodbye properly, say everything he should have said but never got the chance to. To somehow at least try and make things right. Was he really foolish enough to believe he could? He felt his hand being held softly and it snapped him from his thoughts. Craig's smile and wide eyes looking back at him, this time closer. And instinctively he smiled back, the only reaction he knew when Craig looked at him like that.
"Kieron..."
The sound of the last name he expected to hear rang through his ears and he looked behind where Craig stood to see Steph leaning forward against the railings an even sadder look on her face than before and suddenly everyone's eyes were on something else. He turned his head to look at where they were looking. And he felt like he had been kicked in the stomach, he felt his whole body recoil backwards at the sight in front of him.
He was fairly sure it was Kieron, certain things stood out that made it clear. But it was like a shell of someone he once knew. He eyes were read, his face unshaven, his hair fallen across his face, his clothes and just his generally demeanour. His body was curled into himself like at any moment if he let go of the breathe he was holding he would fall apart. He let go of Craig's hand without a second thought and stepped forward.
"Kieron"
The sound of his voice was pained and said and he watched as Kieron cringed when he heard it, wiping away tears that were falling and he just wanted to run to him and pull him in his arms. He stepped closer and he could sense that Kieron wanted to edge away perhaps even run.
"I've wanted to come and see you. Niall said... he said to give it more time. But I would have come this week anyway... Kieron... I... shall we go back to flat? We can talk, there's something's I have to say..."
John Paul could see the built up anger rising in Kieron, it was evident and before it even hit him John Paul felt scared because it wasn't something he was used to in Kieron and it pained him to see the usually gentle man so irate.
"Things you have to say? Well, please John Paul, go ahead. This should be good considering I've gone three weeks with nothing from you but now you have something to say. So go on John Paul, I'm all ears"
The bitterness in Kieron's voice was clearer than anything else, he was asking for an explanation that John Paul wasn't even sure he could give. He couldn't offer Kieron the truth, surely that would hurt more than the lie.
"I just meant there are things we need to talk about. Things we have to say"
"I don't think there is anything to say. And I don't think you really want to hear about how I feel, how the last three weeks have been for me. I think you've been very comfortable going back to what you know, happy to ignore how I have been feeling..."
"That's not true"
He interrupted Kieron with such force, it bothered him that Kieron could think that. That he was thinking that and he wanted to correct him. To tell him just how much he missed him, how much he wanted him back in his life. He wished there was a way to say everything he felt without causing anymore pain, but there was no way. The truth would only hurt Kieron more now. If he knew John Paul still loved him, still wanted him in a way he'd never really understand, and that this was just something he had to do.
"I wish I could explain this to you Kieron. Try and make you understand somehow..."
"I don't want you to explain and I don't want to understand"
The anger seemed to shift slightly in Kieron's face and it showed only pain as he moved to push past John Paul. John Paul couldn't let him walk away like this and he desperately grabbed onto Kieron's arm, not wanting him to leave. He felt himself being pushed and fallen backwards onto the floor. He wasn't shocked and he didn't really blame Kieron. But he could see as he looked up at Kieron's bewildered face that Kieron was ashamed by what he had just done, and torn.
"Kieron... I am sorry"
"I wish that meant something John Paul"
Kieron had turned his back to him now and John Paul wanted to jump up and turn him around, to look at his face. But he didn't know that anything he did or said now would change a thing. He looked past Kieron and saw that Craig had stepped forward, he didn't look angry he just desperately wanted to move closer, John Paul could tell. Craig's protective side clearly visible now, but John Paul threw him a look warning him to stay there. And without even having to speak a word to one another they both knew exactly what the other was trying to say.
Kieron had turned his body around to face John Paul again, and the look he received was like another blow continuously knocking the life out of him. All he could see in Kieron's eyes was anger, perhaps something bordering on hate, and John Paul couldn't help but think back to a time when those eyes had looked at him with so much love. When those lips had curved into a smile just for him and spoke words that hit directly to John Paul's heart.
"You mean everything to me."
He saw clearly what Kieron saw himself as now, and it killed him. The look across Kieron's face was obvious. He knew Kieron and he knew what he was thinking. That he should have seen this coming, that all the warnings were there, that John Paul had been waiting around for Craig, that he was just wasting his time with Kieron until Craig came back. And John Paul wanted to jump up and tell him it wasn't true, that it was the furthest thing. But again he couldn't move, and the struggle within himself went on. Wasn't it just easier to let Kieron believe that? Perhaps he would find it easier to move on, wouldn't it be harder to have the knowledge that the love he felt for Kieron had been so real, that it still flowed through him and was still as strong.
"Did you ever even love me John Paul?"
It was the one question he had been desperately hoping Kieron wouldn't ask, because he knew he'd never be able to lie. He knew he couldn't have Kieron in front of him like this asking him that one question. Because he couldn't lie, not about that.
"Honestly, did you?"
"Yes."
John Paul wasn't sure if Kieron believed him or not. His expression didn't seem to change, and it read as nothing across his face. He seemed to relax slightly, like he had been holding his breath for so long and had released it.
Their eyes had been locked for so long, that the moment Kieron broke it John Paul missed it, and he watched Kieron move past him and he scrambled to his feet, pathetically calling after Kieron asking him to come back. He followed him a little too, fresh tears falling down his face. The harsh reality hitting him, it was the last time he would ever see Kieron Hobbs. The last chance he ever had to tell him everything and it was gone.
He stared into the space where Kieron had grown smaller and smaller and then vanished, he was unawares as to how long he stood their staring. But the light was fading, and the voices behind him grew quieter and then a hand was holding onto his. Staring off into the space where Kieron had walked away as well.
"Are you okay?"
It was a stupid question, and he knew Craig was very much aware that it was. John Paul turned to look at Craig who was still staring off into the distance. He looked at the man who had changed his life, the one who made him feel like he had the strength to do this. He didn't need to give Craig the true answer, he didn't need to tell Craig that he wasn't okay. That his heart was broken for the loss of Kieron in his life, because it was for him to keep. And time was a strange thing that would shift and change around them, and the feelings he felt now would change, time would heal the wounds and the love he felt for Craig would grow even more than what it was now.
Perhaps even the love he had for Kieron would fade, or at least he would place it somewhere he could keep and remember it always. The one thing he was certain of was that he would never forget. He would never forget Kieron. His Kieron.