Fire is catching
Chapter 30
Authors Note: Hey guys, although I'm feeling very sick, I convinced myself to upload this chapter. I hope that you'll enjoy it!
I lay down, face on the dirty ground. Oh how I wish I could just melt into the earth, become part of this darkness. Automatically, without being in control of it, I scratch the skin on my arms, until ruby read rivers flow down my skin. Although it doesn't make me feel better or worse I keep doing it, my body going on auto pilot. That's how I spend the rest of my day, destroying myself while reliving the death of someone else and blaming myself for it. After some time I start to feel lightheaded, like I'm starting to float of the ground. I have one of those weird out of body experiences where I see myself from outside. What I see is bad, even for a hunger games tribute. My face is covered in dirt, my clothes ripped and partly soaked in blood which is also covering my entire arms, the flesh partly peeled off. My eyes are swollen red from all the crying and I really look like madman.
Is this what I want to be? Is this really what Wendy lay down her life for? She distracted Gajeel and was therefore killed by him, in order for me to have chance of escaping, a chance of living. She died in order for me to live and this is how I thank her? Destroying myself won't bring her back, right? Instead I should value my life more than ever, treasure it because it's her that gave it to me. It's the last part of Wendy that's left. I want everybody to remember her? Well that's only possible if I tell them her story which means that I have to be alive. I need to live so that she can live on in my heart, in the memories I keep of her, I realize that now. Slipping back into my body I feel slightly better, although it's still very difficult to be able to think clearly. The weight on my shoulders and my chest isn't gone, I'll have to learn to live with it. The monster inside of me desperately tries to regain the control by whispering in my ear that it's all my fault but Wendy's voice is stronger: "Please run away and live, win the games for both of us!"
I know that there's only one person that can help me through this right now, that can gather my broken pieces and put them back together.
I insert the magic coin into my bloody arm, grab the golden key that connects me to him and murmur with all the strength that's left: "I open thee, gate of the lion, Loki".
As soon as the last words leave my lips, my favorite lion appears next to me, prepared for battle. As he doesn't see anyone around his body relaxes, at least until he sees my body covered in blood. He drops down on the floor next to me: "Lucy my love, what on earth happened to you?" deep concern filling his voice. Despite the situation I can't help but to smile a little bit, he never fails to make me feel better.
"Hey, look at me" he says bringing my chin up so that I can look him in the eyes, "What's going on?"
And then, the wall comes down and everything I kept inside me just pours out, the fear, the pain, the guilt. Although my voice often gets cut off by my heavy sobbing and the river of tears running down my cheeks, Loki listens carefully while holding me in his arms. It feels so good to have somebody familiar around, to not be alone with all those emotions.
"Loki, I just don't know whether I want to be alive anymore, I mean, what's the point?"
At that he pulls me closer and soothingly caresses my hair: "Hey, hey don't say something like that. No matter what happens, your life is the most important thing not only to you, but also to me and all the other celestial spirits. We all love you with all our heart and support you till the end of time. Don't ever feel unworthy of being alive. Even if you can't live for yourself, live for the people that love you, the ones that hold you dear. You'll get through this nightmare, we'll get through this together, okay?" His voice is strong and calming and I slightly nod while the tears keep coming.
"Oh Lucy, you have no idea how much seeing you like this hurts. You deserve so much better. If I had the chance I would switch places with you, but…"
"No!" I say loudly pushing him away a little, "You don't want this, believe me. And I wouldn't want you, I wouldn't want anyone to go through this hell". He looks a little surprised at first but catches himself shortly after.
"Lucy, want to make a deal?"
"What kind of deal?" I ask surprised and curious at the same time.
"If you make it out of those games alive, you'll go on a date with me, okay?"
How the hell can he think about dates now? He really tries to cheer up with all means...so typical for him.
"Well then, I'm afraid you'll be pretty lonely." I say with a touch of gallows humor.
"Oh I'm pretty sure of myself. I'm already making reservations for the fanciest restaurant in the capitol."
"You idiot", I say playfully, already feeling a lot better.
We lay there for a little longer in comfortable silence until the effect of the magic coin is starting to wear off.
"No, Loki, don't leave me! I can't do this alone!" panic crawling up inside of me.
"Shhht, calm down now Lucy. I know how strong you are, you can make it. Just remember that we're always with you, you're never alone."
And with those words my friend dissolves in front of me, returning to the celestial spirit world and I'm left in the arena, alone again.
I lean back against a tree trunk and take a deep breath. Stay calm Lucy, pull yourself together. Despite everything that happened, that damn backpack is still with me, my only friend that's left.
More than half of our food supply was with Wendy and died with her or maybe Gajeel took it, who knows? Still that leaves me with enough food to keep on going for a few more days, although I'll be running out of water soon. As it's starting to get dark I decide to get new water tomorrow. I climb up a strong-looking tree and make sure to attach myself to it by some strong knots, so that I won't fall down when the trees start to move.
I sit on my branch and watch the starry night sky thinking about the events of the last days and the emotional rollercoaster I'm on, I wonder what lies up ahead and if it's even possible for it to get any worse, I mean everything, even the horror in this world is bound to have some kind of limit, right?
I had no idea.
The capitol anthem rips me out of my thoughts and I'm surprised to see Saphir's face flash up in the sky. A career, dead? How did that happen? Did they start to turn on each other? Or have the game makers come up with a new torture? At least the death of the career will be enough to keep the stupid capitol citizen entertained for some time, as horrible as it may sound. I wonder which tributes died in the period of time in which I was gone, how many of us are left. Hopefully Levy is all right, otherwise I'd be the only one left of our little group. The painful memories of Lisanna and Wendy flash up but I try to remember the good times I spent with them instead.
In order to distract myself I get out the little booklet of Fairy Tales and reread Snowwhite, I need this dose of happy end right now. I fall asleep late at night dreaming about Wendy's and Lisanna's death and poisonous apples, that's an improvement, right?
I wake up feeling awful, which I've gotten used to by now. I force myself to get up, climb down my tree and start searching for water. I still feel like I'm being controlled by somebody else though, as if I'm just a puppet, but at least I'm able to put one feet in front of the other one. My thoughts are still with Wendy, I still see her disfigured body, her face twitching in pain and I still feel guilty, feel the aching pain in my chest, the never-ending sting but I keep going. I'm not okay but I'm alive, it's not much but at least it's something at all.
Trying to find out which fruit are poisonous and with of them actually contain water is a lot harder than usual, because I have to actually use my brain and concentrate. My thoughts are keeping to drift to Wendy and I remember how I taught her to distinguish the fruit and how proud she was when she finally excelled at it. Those memories make my eyes fill with tears and instead of collecting some water, I break down and let the salty water run down my cheeks. How did it come to this?
After I've calmed down I finally pick up some fruit and despite knowing that my body desperately needs the water, drinking it doesn't give me any satisfaction at all, as if my positive emotions have been turned off.
I spent the rest of day hiding in the tree thinking about horrible things. I know that I need something to do or the monster will rise again but I just can't bring myself to do anything useful, what is there to do in the arena except surviving?
So I start having conversations with Wendy, at first only inside my head but soon I'm catching myself speaking the words out loud, it's not like it's going to hurt anyone except myself maybe.
"Lucy, what are you doing here moping around?" she says in a tone that makes her sound more like my mother than my younger friend.
"I…I don't know…", I say hot tears streaming down my cheek…again…."I don't know what I'm supposed to do Wendy…it's just that since you've left nothing really makes sense anymore, I feel so empty" I sob feeling pathetic about losing it like this in front of her.
She takes a step towards me and puts her delicate hand on my shoulder, instead of feeling her touch I just experience a warm radiation around my arm.
"Don't worry, just do what you did when you were with me, remember when you told me that we always need something to focus on, a goal, in order to keep ourselves from getting mad? Find a goal Lucy and pursue it with all your might and more importantly, stay alive." She sounds so wise.
"But my goal was to protect you and now that I failed I just…"
Her gaze softens and mixes with a sad expression: "You didn't fail Lucy. I don't think it was your fault, so don't blame yourself, please. What happened is irreversible, you have to live on."
"But this world is filled with cruelty…why would I even want to live in a reality like this?"
"Because of this…" she says as a dragon blossom appears out of nowhere in her hand. "This flower blooms bright, like an eternal flame despite all the horror of this world. It fights cruelty with beauty, just like you." A warm smile appears on her face and her kind words just make me cry even more, I miss her so so much.
"Lucy, you're not safe here anymore. The games have been going on for a while now, they'll only get worse. You can't just sit here, exposed, for everyone to see. The trees are not a safe place to sleep in too, you know they move at night, what if you wake up in a totally different part of the arena, perhaps close to another tribute? You can't just stay here, you need safe shelter!"
I look down, ashamed that I haven't thought of this myself. Although, as she's just an illusion my mind created I technically did.
"Well then, where am I supposed to go?" I whisper not really expecting an answer.
"You could always go back to our cave…"
"No!", I exclaim feeling the fear rise inside of me, "I can't go back Wendy, there are too many memories bound to that place, it would drive me insane."
She nods understandingly and squints her eyes, as if thinking about something: "I heard of another place in the arena although I haven't been there myself…it's supposed to be full of gigantic rocks and it's highly probable that there are some convenient hiding places in the crevices. It would be worth a try, right?"
Now I'm completely confused. How can my brain create an illusion that's talking to me about a place I haven't been too? I can't access Wendy's memories, this isn't really her, how can I even know about this? Is it just a fake?
"How do you know about this place?" I ask instead of saying what's really on my mind.
She smiles knowingly: "Let's just say the wind told me"
This sends shivers down my spine and despite everything, I trust her. Even if this place doesn't exist after all, it's worth a try and it's definitely better than sitting in this tree doing nothing, it'll give me something to concentrate on.
"So", I say confident about my decision now, "Tell me how I get there."
After Wendy gave me the instructions and I did my best to remember them, she looks at me with a strange mixture of affection, happiness and deep sadness.
"Farewell Lucy, do your best" she says before slowly dissolving into the glowing afternoon sun.
I have the feeling that this is the last time I'll see her.
Although I still feel empty and lost and the pain on my chest won't ease, I feel a lot better, more put together.
It takes ten times as long to put yourself together than it does to fall apart and yet, here I stand. I took a lot of damage and some parts of me won't ever be fixed but I'm still standing, I'm back in the game and I've never been so determined to win them.
As I walk through the forest at a decent speed the intoxicating smell tries to hijack my fragile mind again but I fight it as hard as I can. Although I can't recall all the instructions Wendy, or my illusion of Wendy to put it right, gave me, I'm pretty sure that I'm on the right track. Something seems to guide me through the forest as if somebody left imaginary pieces of bread to mark the right path just like Haensel and Gretel did.
After I feel like I've been wandering through the woods for hours, the dense forest finally clears up until the vegetation has come down to some scrawny bushes and small plants barely covering the sandy ground. Stones and some scattered branches crunch under my feet as I walk over them, following the alley of bushes with triangle leaves like Wendy told me to. Suddenly, the bushes end just like that and as I look up I gasp in awe.
Gigantic walls of massive rock tower in front of me, going straight up, so high that I can't even see their tops without the sun blinding me. In front of this huge amount of hard stone I feel awfully small, but not necessarily in a bad way. Although those walls are so mighty and intimidating they're also soothing. It feels good to have something so solid, so real in front of me, it brings me down to earth.
My eyes widen as I notice the spots of red, orange and yellow that are spread over the grey stone, like somebody dotted some blotches of color on this monotone area to brighten it up. Just as I suspected, they turn out to be dragon blossoms as I inspect them closer. Their pointy petals still radiate pleasant heat, warming up the cold stone. They smell like fire with a sweet tint to it.
So the person that did Wendy's beautiful grave had to be from here? How I would like to personally tell that tribute how grateful I am.
"I finally found you" says a deep rumbling voice that I would recognize anywhere.
Authors Note: Oh snap, who's this person again? Find out all about their encounter in the next chapter!
Until then, let me know who you think it is and stay awesome!
Author: *half dead* I'm sorry…but I'm not able to write a proper Author's Note today, I'm just too sick…
Natsu: Yeah sure you wimp!
Author: No really, everything hurts and it's just…
Natsu: As if I care…you get sick way too often anyway, it's because you're so weak!
Author: No! *cough* I'm not weak…
Natsu: Look at me! I never feel sick and I'm super strong…
Author: So what about your motion sickness? At least I'm not knocked out by a train…how lame..
Natsu: *cries in corner*
Auhtor: I think I hit a nerve there…