Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephanie Meyers.
Chapter 18
Indulge (V.) allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of
I think we may have taken it too far. Each weekend I wake up feeling like shit, yet I still party on Friday night as if I'm not aware of the regret I'll feel each Saturday morning.
I take the capsule with one singular thought in my mind each time. "I'll regret this in the morning." Yet I still do it, I still have a good time, and the cycle never stops repeating itself.
Ever since girl's night at my home became a success on the web show, Victoria has demanded it of us every weekend. It was a bad idea, but often times I indulge the bad and ignore the good so things weren't much different in this scenario. One thing's for certain, if I didn't get a job, our girls nights would have to be canceled for good because I was running low on money and I could no longer live off what Victoria paid me.
I applied for a job the day after my birthday and was offered the job at a boutique in Port Angeles. When I was asked to take a drug test, I thought nothing of it because usually, I don't do drugs very often; only recreationally a few times a year. Somehow, I forgot about my weekends with the girls and was humiliated when I received a call saying that I failed the drug test. I couldn't believe the shit turn my life was taking. It was as if I was no longer in the driver's seat. I hated not being able to control my life or my world. I wasn't used to it, and I didn't like it.
For some reason, I didn't recognize who was actually in the driver's seat for so long. Even when she placed envelopes in front of me with stacks of hundred dollar bills. I didn't feel cheap because I thought the money was from our Social Experiments. I was wrong , and seriously unaware that Victoria was more than just a shark. She was a sneaky conniving snake, and she used me like a puppet without me ever even realizing it.
I never mentioned the drugs. I mean, who would I tell? I don't have parents looking out for me, nor any adult figures in my life to steer me in the right path. I know that it all started with peer pressure that first night but really, every time after that I became just like my friends, actively participating.
It didn't seem harmful at all, much like weed, which I still don't consider a dangerous drug. To me, X was just a better way of living. It's about enlightenment and living the way I'd vowed to. It heightened my senses and made every experience of my life brighter, and I didn't feel as if I was abandoning the darkness. With the drug, I was able to have both.
I never expected Edward to recognize my abusive patterns and call me out on it. I never expected him to see me clearly, because like I said before, I only let people see the parts of me that I want them to see. Edward sees beyond that, which is scary because if I'm transparent to him, not only can he see the good, but also the bad.