Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephanie Meyers
Chapter 19
He's in my house, on my bed, leaning back against the headboard while he gently plays with my hair. At first, the act seemed too intimate, but now I think of it as his way of letting me know he's with me and that I'm not alone. How he knows I need that kind of comfort is beyond me, but somehow he knows, and I secretly love how much he cares.
"Why do you do it?" His question comes out in a whisper but I know for sure the amount of energy it's taking him to hold back his emotions, and I'm thankful.
I shrug before speaking in a voice that matches his own as I think back to my mom's drug use.
"It's fun. We have fun."
"Do you even remember the things you do the night before? I've watched-"
I quickly sit up to face him, shocked and a bit humiliated. "You've watched our live stream?"
Edward slowly nods his head, and I look down ashamed of myself. Some of that stuff is really racy and half of the time, I can't believe I'm the one actually doing those things.
Usually, Victoria wakes us up and has us all do a reaction video. We watch all of the antic from the night before, and it's so real, so us, but we can't believe it. I've been videotaped doing things I wouldn't normally do, and all I can say is that it was fun? That I had fun?
I slap my hands against my face trying to hide from him. It's too bright in here, it's too much light... and he can see me. Not only can he see me, but he has made me see myself, and I don't like what I see.
"Victoria posts on other sites. Did you know that?" Edward's voice is lined with restrained anger, and I can't help but peek between my fingers to see if he's angry.
"She told us last week, but I didn't want to know the details. I signed something; I don't know what it is-"
"Why didn't you read it first, Bella? Alice told me that Victoria's sister is a lawyer. There's no telling what she had you sign!" He raises his voice, but quickly checks himself, rubbing his eyes as if he was trying to stop a headache.
I don't know what to say. I knew I should have read it, but all she said was that it was a chance at making good money, which is something I desperately needed. How else could I afford to live?
Edward sits up in the bed and abruptly reaches for me, cradling my face in his hands. There's sadness, and desperation in his face, but no disappointment, no judgment or sympathy.
"Listen, Princess, I care about you. I care more than you can comprehend and it would hurt me if you were to get hurt. Do you understand?"
Although Edward never treats me as if I'm breakable or made of glass, he does have this way of speaking to me as if I'm fragile minded and unable to understand him emotionally. He has a right to treat me that way because somehow, in the short four months he's known me, he's completely figured me out. No matter how I close myself off, he's right there making his way into my life, my head and my heart.
I stare at him trying my hardest to understand why he cares, and why I matter enough for him to feel for me? That's what this is right? His way of telling me that my pain affects him just as acutely as it affects me. Why does the thought both humble and terrify me? Why does the thought make me want to make him feel more?
He raises his brows and dips his head until we are at eye level. He's begging me to understand, and I want so badly to give it to him. I want to give him assurance of my understanding of his level of loyalty, his level of passion.
With my eyes glued to his, I slowly nod and take a breath, closing my eyes to the light and breathing in the darkness.
I feel his hand move to the back of my neck as his head falls forward to mine. "Hey." He says, squeezing my neck, comforting me without even the slightest knowledge of how badly I need it. "Don't shut me out."
I try to pull away, but he holds me fast. "I have to," I whisper softly.
He holds the back of my head in a firmer grasp, and I reach back to grip his wrist, needing his hands to move before I break. I'm not even sure why I feel like I'm shattering under his touch, why my heart is beating out of my chest, why my stomach is in knots, and my lungs are constricting.
"You can't pull away. You can't." His voice breaks on the last word, and I squeeze my eyes tighter because he's breaking me, and I'm having a hard time resisting. "I see you." He says through clenched teeth.
His words echo in my head over and over, and then the meaning floods my every thought, engraving the three words in my heart. My eyes fly open to look at him.
I shake my head. "No."
"Yes, I do. I see all of you!" He raises his voice, and the look of desperation turns into something else. Something I've never seen before which succeeds as the driving force of my resolve.
I shake my head trying harder to pull away from him. "I can't do this." I struggle to pull free of him, but I still manage. I turn to walk toward the door but not before I see his hands slowly slump to the bed as defeat washes over his entire being.
I promised myself I would never cause Edward to feel that way again. I vowed never to make such a strong man feel so utterly distraught. As I look back on this time, reflecting over my promises, I realize just how much of a failure I am. I'd caused much more than defeat...I'd slowly chipped away at his heart. That night I saw more than his confidence take a hit, I saw the first flicker of his light as it was dimmed.