Chapter 20
Contingency (N.) a future event or circumstance that is possible but cannot be predicted with certainty
"Edward." I breathe; it's a soft whisper, softer than even I have ever heard my voice. "You're not going to say anything?"
His head slowly lifts, and his head shifts in my direction to show a face full of confusion, brows drawn together, but still manage to be high on his forehead as if what I'm saying is unfathomable.
"What do you want me to say?"
"I-" I try to say something, anything to take that look off his face but he quickly continues.
"What else can I say?" His brows lower and his nostrils flare as he looks down. "I can't make you feel something for me. I can't-" His words catch in his throat. "I've tried showing you, I've tried... everything and the thought of going on a date with me is laughable to you." He says it with humorless amusement, almost mocking the situation without knowing the reason for my behavior. How can he know the reason when even I'm confused by it?
I grab his hand in mine, and his eyes snap to look at me with the fierceness of a thousand suns.
"It's not laughable. I didn't mean-"
"You didn't mean to what? To make me feel this way?" He turns his body abruptly to face me, his face as serious as I have probably ever seen it. "You don't get it! You don't-" He smacks the steering wheel with his free hand, and I jump. "I am falling hard for you." He says through grit teeth.
My mouth drops open, and I slowly retract my hand from his. "I have since the moment I met you, and I can't stop. I can't stop." His voice grows smaller with each word.
In a voice that matches his, I respond slow and steady. "I don't understand."
"You don't." He says, nodding with strong belief in his words. "And you probably never will."
After more silence, I grow restless, and wonder if we're okay, so I ask in a small unsure voice that even I don't recognize. "Are we okay? I mean... as friends?"
He looks at me for long seconds before sighing. Then he nods. "Sure."
I thought his words were final, and I surely never would know what it is that he felt for me. I was so sure that no one could care about me, or maybe they just shouldn't. I surely didn't need anyone's love, nor did I know what it felt like to be loved.
Thinking back now, I realize that even though he'd only said he was falling, he meant so much more. He meant he had fallen, and my lack of reciprocation was killing him.
I never thought I would understand, because, after that day, he surely didn't try hard to make me understand. I suppose he thought I wasn't capable of reaching into the recess of my heart that made loving him possible.
He'd showed me so many pieces of art that night, but kept a respectable and friendly distance, trying to help me see the art through his eyes. I could somehow understand how he could make himself believe he was in love with a piece that was unchanging, yet I couldn't understand how he could fall in love with someone like me. A woman also stuck in her ways and unchangeable. A woman so wrapped in the ideas and opinions of others she doesn't know her own story. I am the epitome of his lost artwork, his lost princess, his abused dove. He wants to be the Prince, the rescuer, the savior, the lover, but what he doesn't realize is that I don't need saving. I put myself in the highest tower locked away with the dragon. I asked to be abused by the evil stepmother. I am the creator of my own cell, my own darkness. I set up the forest of Euphoria for myself with impenetrable walls made to keep out the very likeness of him.
But no matter how hard I tried to fight my feelings, I never could have expected to fall so madly in love with someone.
After all, I'd never been loved the way that Edward Cullen loved me.