This story is beta'd by the lovely Sunflower Fran.
Chapter 24
Irrevocable (Adj.) not able to be changed, reversed, or recovered; final.
I was heartsick and hurting more than I ever had been in my entire life. What was it that Edward was telling me? That he no longer loved me? He no longer wanted me?
It had been two hours since our argument, and I was unable to sleep, wishing I had a mom and not a mother in times like these. I needed a mom, someone to comfort me and tell me what to do when all I wanted to do was cry my silly, foolish heart out.
I didn't have a mom, but I had a love that I felt could not be changed now that I could identify it. Maybe I could believe as he once had. I can live the way he had if possible.
I leaped from the floor of Alice's room and slowly tiptoed down the hall to Edward's room. His door was just as I'd left it, slightly opened because I refused to show him that I was upset. I wouldn't dare slam the door and let him know how badly he'd hurt me with mere words when I'd been the one hurting him with actions from day one. Isn't love an action word? Maybe that's why his love moved? My actions drove them away.
I tiptoed in, and as soon as I closed the door behind me, he was alerted to my presence.
"Bella!" He's startled, sitting upright in seconds.
I turn to face him and slowly, ever so slowly I peeled my clothes off in front of him. My body had been used for what I perceived as affection for far too long. It was only now that I knew what I wanted...what I needed. I needed to be loved. I needed to know that my body could be used to show my innermost feelings. I could show him better than I could tell him how I felt and then there would be no doubt in his mind.
Seconds of silence passed between us and before I know it, I stood before him naked, and comfortable in my own skin; in my element; in the darkness that surrounds us.
I drank in the sight of him bare-chested and glowing faintly in the dark, and when I reached his eyes, I notice instantly that he's doing the same to me. The look in his eyes pulls at something deep within me like nothing I have ever felt before, sexually or otherwise. He has the look of a starving man being overtaken by predatory instinct and the unrestrained lust pulses through my body sending shivers down my spine.
"Do you still want me?" I whisper the question into the dark space between us. He stays still with that unwavering stare. "Am I too late?"
He finally looks away, and I see him bite down on his bottom lip and take a deep breath before pushing the covers away and standing.
As he closes the distance, I feel the magnetism between us, the pull, the drive to be near and to touch. When he's right in front of me, I close my eyes and take a breath feeling a weight lift off my chest. Then he's touching me, and I nearly hyperventilate.
His hand cups my cheek and he smooths a thumb underneath my eye removing a tear I hadn't known was there.
"Look at me, Princess." He whispers the command, and my eyes snap to his. I stare longingly into his eyes hoping he likes what he sees there because I'm not ready to voice the emotion. I grip his wrist when his other hand gently cups my other cheek, and I lean into his touch, tilting my head to view him, much as I'd viewed the artwork at his father's gallery.
I've figured out a way to tell him, and suddenly the words come easily as the realization shows on his face. Another tear falls down my cheek when I realize how truly beautiful and accurate the words are.
"I see you." My eyes search his for reassurance, for confirmation, for anything... Then his eyes soften, and his touch grows desperate, and I know he understands what I'm trying to say.
"I see you." He whispers before leaning forward and pressing his lips to my forehead. "I see you." He then kisses my cheek. "I see you." Then my other cheek, before looking into my eyes. "I see all of you, Princess, and I want you, and only you, always."
"You haven't changed your mind?"
"How could I?" He frowns at his own question showing just how absurd the idea is.
I nod and look down licking my suddenly, very dry lips. I take a ragged breath and then another, not realizing how hard it had been to breath only moments ago.
He pushes my hair back and lifts my chin. "You don't have to do this. You don't have to give your body to me if you're not ready. Your heart is enough."
I close my eyes and a tear trickles down my face, then another, then another, and I have no clue why I'm crying other than the fact that my love for this man is so overwhelming, and the way that he loves me is so beautiful. God! I don't deserve it. I don't deserve him.
"Why?" I sob, my eyes burning from the impact of my tears. "Why do you love me like you do?"
"You make me this way. You turn everything upside down. You unhinge me, drive me to the point of madness and then bring me back. No one has ever shaken my world into disarray and been able to put the pieces back together by simply existing." He caresses my cheek with the back of his hand, and his tender eyes cause my heart to constrict in my chest.
My eyes shut on the impact of his words as more tears escape. "I don't deserve-"
"Don't tell me what you deserve!" The sharpness of his voice prompts me to open my eyes.
I search his for the source of his anger, but there is none. There's only desperation, love, and the most intense brand of passion known to man. He brings his face closer to mine, and his voice softens to a whisper.
"Don't tell me how to love you!" Feeling utterly weak beneath the onslaught of words, I close the distance between us, resting my forehead against his chest.
At hearing these words I cry harder, and he pulls my naked body to him, his arms wrapped around my shoulders, my arms on his back with my head resting on his chest.
"I'm no good for you," I whisper through shaky breath and falling tears.
He sighs into my neck, not knowing that this is more of a warning than he will ever realize. "I don't want to break your heart."
"The only way you can break it is to stop loving me." He whispers the words against my neck before placing a kiss there.
"I can't break your heart without shattering my own," I whisper into his chest, and he grows silent. After a while, I wonder if he heard my muffled words at all.
Then he squeezes me closer and kisses my neck, then my jaw.
"I don't want that to happen." He whispers and then kisses right under my ear, and I take a long shuttering breath.
"Neither do I," I whisper back, closing my eyes, trying to memorize every beautiful second of our encounter tonight. I kiss his chest, and he shudders in my arms.
"Your lips are so soft." He says, and then he hisses against my shoulder when I slide my body against his erection. "Not tonight, Princess."
"Why not tonight?" I ask, and he doesn't respond, he only continues to nip at my shoulder, chest, and neck.
"Just be with me. Let me hold you." His words pierce my heart and make me feel all warm inside. He doesn't just want my body for sex, he wants me. Just me, anyway he can have, just me.