How to Start a Self-Discovery

Chapter 5: Astrid

The sun was out, a rare occurrence for the little isle of Berk, but she didn't have much of a chance to soak it all in, given that her father was starting to disappear amongst other large Viking bodies. During days like these, all the villagers would leave the melancholic settings of their homes to bask in the sunlight, resulting in crowds of burly Vikings around the market. If she didn't catch up to her father as he steadily disappeared into the crowd, he would surely get mad at her and look at her with that disappointed scowl on his face for being unable to keep up. She hated that look; it made her feel small and useless, and Vikings weren't useless. So, clutching a little satchel to her chest, she plowed on.

By the time she caught up to her father he was standing still and she smacked her forehead right into the back of his knee. The sudden impact didn't hurt, but it disoriented her for a few seconds. After shaking away the dizzying colours in her eyes, she noticed that a thick shadow spread over her body. When she looked up to see what had cast that shadow, she gasped.

It was the Chief.

She'd only ever seen him from afar. He was usually speaking to his brother, Spitelout, or some other Viking about dragon-killing strategies. She knew he was Hiccup's father, but she also knew, ever since she could barely walk, that he was important. He was more important than any other Viking on Berk. He was Stoick the Vast, the Chief.

"There you are, girl," she heard her father say roughly. She felt her father's hand smack her lightly on the back of her head, to push her forward so that the Chief could see her better. "Stoick, this is my daughter." There were no proclamations of praise, or affectionate pats on the head, but she learned a long time ago not to expect any.

"Hello child," the Chief said, his voice softer than she was used to hearing. When he spoke to other Vikings, it was always with a deep, deep tone. She was used to hearing the command, the almost instant loyalty that came with hearing the Chief's voice. He had a voice that could echo around the world, she thought. That was what it was like, to be a Viking, she thought. To be so strong that even your voice had power.

"Say hello," her father gruffly commanded her. She became nervous, her little body shaking at the thought of speaking to the Chief of Berk. She tried to look at him, but he was so tall, and she was so scared. Her hands dug violently into the satchel she was hugging to her chest, her whole body shaking. She wondered, briefly, if Hiccup was always this scared when he talked to his father.

A strong hand found her chin, and angled her face up. She realized that the Chief had gotten on his knees – his knees! – to get her to look at him. There was a smile hidden behind his fiery beard. "What's your name, little one?" he asked her. She gulped.

"A-Astrid."

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"Astrid!"

The Viking looked up from where she sat on the ground, grooming Stormfly's beautiful blue scales. She stood when she realized that Stoick had called her name. Stormfly stood as well, but only to crane her neck around her body to inspect Astrid's handiwork.

"Yes Chief?" Astrid asked, smoothing her bangs out of her eyes. They were getting a bit long. Stoick, towering over her, had crossed his arms in mild frustration. The look on his face when he was irritated was the same as when Hiccup was. They both had a habit of wrinkling their forehead when deep in frustrated thought. Astrid thought that, while Hiccup took almost none of his father's physical features, he did manage to snag quite a few of his dad's habits.

"Have you seen Hiccup? I was trying to talk to him this mornin', but I think I might have scared him off," he said. Astrid laughed, scratching Stormfly under the chin.

"Scared him off with what?" she asked. "After all the stunts I've seen him pull flying Toothless, it doesn't seem like he'd be scared of anything." And it was true. Part of her wished she could do what Hiccup could, but while Stormfly was an excellent dragon, she had nothing on a sleek, black, agile Night Fury. Toothless seemed truly to be one-of-a-kind, the black sheep in the flock of white, like the Hiccup in a flock of Vikings. She supposed it was serendipitous that the black sheep of two separate flocks had gravitated towards each other.

"I… well we were talking about the marriage," Stoick said, and Astrid froze. Hiccup was scared of the marriage? Was he having second thoughts? Stoick must have seen the look on her face, because he immediately denied it. "It's not that!" he said hurriedly, "I just… I mentioned to Hiccup that… perhaps it would have been better to make him chief before having the wedding—"

But Astrid didn't hear any of it. She just thought back to how she had so one-sidedly forced Hiccup into this… relationship with her! She didn't think he'd have any complaints, I mean come on! She was Astrid Hofferson! But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that perhaps she was dragging Hiccup into something he didn't want to be in. I mean, marriage? Granted, they wouldn't be married for a while, considering they were still young, and the village was still going through so many changes because of their new pets. But to be thrown into marriage negotiations, and not being allowed to make that choice yourself…

Vikings always had arranged marriages! That was how they were. A match would be made, and then the heads of both houses would enter negotiations and brawl over the dowry and whatever. But it's not like Hiccup was the quintessential Viking. For Odin's sake, he befriended a dragon because he couldn't kill it! And while some Vikings would have thought that was cowardly two or three years ago, it meant that Hiccup was just… different. Better.

"I'll… I'll go find him for you," Astrid said in the middle of Stoick's sentence. "I'll talk to him about it, don't worry Chief." Stoick grinned thankfully at her, not realizing that none of his words actually got through to her. He thanked her, told her he didn't know what he would do if she wasn't marrying his son, and then ambled away to take care of his chiefly duties around Berk. Astrid gave Stormfly's scales one last rubbing before hopping onto the saddle and taking off.

At a time like this, on a rare day when the sun was out on the isle of Berk, there was only one place Hiccup would be.

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She led Stormfly into a gentle landing on Toothless' old cove, a bit surprised that they were nowhere to be found in this cozy little corner of Berk. Stormfly sauntered over to the water to preen her reflection, checking for any dulled scales. After affirming that she looked quite beautiful, the Nadder promptly began to flex the spikes on her tails and wiggle her body, liking the way her scales glinted in the sunlight when she moved. Astrid just laughed at her from afar before doing another short sweep of the area, in hopes that she could spot any sign of her betrothed and his dragon. When they didn't seem to be anywhere in the cove, Astrid figured they might be out for a short flight, and resolved to wait in the cove until they came back.

She sat on a small rock protruding from the ground, looking up at the blue skies, in hopes that a flash of black would pass over her. Hiccup once told her that the colour of the sky reminded him of her eyes. Astrid never bothered much to look in a mirror or in the reflection of the water, but she knew that her eyes were blue. It was strange to think that Hiccup knew the colour of her eyes as intimately as she knew the colour of his. She had not told him that, in the way the sky reminded him of her eyes, his eyes reminded her of the dewy, sparkling green grass in the mornings or the leaves that drifted gently to the ground when she trained with her axe in the forest. She surrounded herself in his colour, she thought, the same way that he surrounded himself in the colour of her.

It made her blush terribly, of course, and she smacked her head a few times because the heat of her face frustrated her. She supposed it was okay to blush since she was a girl, but she was still Astrid right? Her idea of romantic was forcing her boyfriend to train, and punching him to make her feel better about kissing him after punching him. But it never worked. She always ended up feeling like such a girl afterwards. Maybe she should try kissing him first, and then punching him? That made more sense, right?

She just hated feeling so conflicted. Why was she even giving herself excuses to kiss Hiccup? Her mom said it; they were betrothed, it wasn't like she was shaming herself in any way when they kissed. Odin's beard, she was the one who started it anyway!

But…

It made her soft, she thought. The kissing, and the affection. His smile turned her to putty and his touches made her skitter like a mouse. She would be yelling at him one moment, and he'd kiss her, and then she couldn't find her voice anymore. She could be shouting at Snotlout for doing or saying something stupid (which was all the time), and Hiccup would put his hand on her shoulder, and she'd just… flake. Her voice would peter into nothing. He'd give her this look, an amused one, an exasperated one, an irritated one, and she'd just shut up.

Before Hiccup, she had been the leader. Snotlout and Ruff and Tuff and Fishlegs would listen to her. She'd yell and scream and they'd scramble to carry out her orders (although if she was being honest, Ruff would just scoff at her and amble away to watch her brother fail miserably at whatever task Astrid had given him). She'd never taken part in teasing Hiccup because she was better than that. Leaders didn't bully the weak, they protected them. She wanted to be that leader; she wanted to protect her home and her people.

When Hiccup saved Berk, somehow he had become the leader; he'd taken her place. She didn't have a problem with it. He deserved it; he really did. If Astrid had been given the honour of being Chief after Stoick, she would have eased into it like butter onto bread. She would have done everything the Viking way; the dragons would be captured or killed, the houses rebuilt after the raids, the ships being sent out for that one last trip before the ice set in. Astrid would have been just another stubborn old Viking.

But now what was she? A Viking whose voice faltered from a single touch! She hadn't needed to yell before, to command her little army. Just a word, just a phrase, and they were gone. Now her face would have to turn red with fury before they rushed away, hearing the snarl in her voice and foreseeing the axe she was about to slam into their faces. Only with the promise of bodily pain did they rush to appease her fury. She wondered with a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach; when had her voice gotten weak?

"Astrid!"

She jolted up to see Hiccup, helmet tossed aside, walking leisurely over to her as a smile blossomed across his face. "Hic-Hiccup!" she exclaimed. Great, now she was even stuttering. Thor, help her now.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked, his hands so immediately around her waist that she didn't even have time to blink. His nose buried itself into her hair and she felt the little kiss he bestowed to it, before pulling away, flushing pink.

"Oh, I, uh…" Why was she here again? Right, Stoick and the marriage. The marriage! Stoick wanted to talk to Hiccup about the marriage! But… did she want him to talk to the chief about the marriage? If Hiccup had run away from that conversation then maybe… did he… she should ask to be sure, right? If he didn't want… if he didn't… "It's, uh… it's about…" the marriage! "flying!"

You stupid, stupid Viking.

Hiccup cocked his head at her, waiting for her to continue. Astrid panicked internally, buying time by smoothing her bangs. "I… me and Stormfly haven't… haven't gone flying yet, and we were wondering if you wanted to join?" She smiled uncertainly up at him, kicking herself in the face in her head. He probably just came back from flying, you stupid Viking! But Hiccup was Hiccup, and he smiled brightly at another excuse to take to the skies.

"Sure, I'm always up for a ride. How 'bout you Toothless?" Hiccup turned to the Night Fury, who only lolled his tongue out happily. Stormfly squawked in excitement, and the two riders promptly boarded the saddles, taking off into the cloudy skies. While Astrid hadn't really been planning to ask Hiccup to go flying, she found that she actually made quite a good impromptu decision. Flying with Hiccup was always an adventure. They'd go exploring sometimes, when they weren't too busy. Most of the times, though, their rides in the sky would be competitive races (where Hiccup and Toothless usually won), or lazy afternoons and evenings, drifting among the clouds. Today was a day for cloud drifting.

The clouds were always misty, so Astrid always felt a slight dampness on her face when she rode among the clouds. She fingered her fur hood, wondering if she should pull it up to keep her ears warm, but decided it didn't matter that much. Her fingers stretched out, creating a trail as they cut through the clouds, like she did the first time she ever rode a dragon. She didn't notice how Hiccup looked at her as she did that, his eyes resounding with some fierce emotion.

"Astrid."

She turned at the sound of her name, still a little lost in the splendor of the skies. The wind blew her hair away from her face, her round, wide eyes lost to his green ones. She was struck, so suddenly, by her pull to him in that moment. He had said just her name, only her name, but it sounded like the world had said it instead. Even Stormfly felt the pull of it, drifting closer to the Night Fury. The two dragons looked at each other, and Toothless only warbled quietly, not loud enough to disturb the two riders.

Hiccup placed his hand on Toothless' head and the Night Fury, by some unknown silent command, dipped under the clouds. Stormfly, without any urging from Astrid, followed after Toothless, a wingspan behind him. Hiccup was looking ahead now, but Astrid couldn't take her eyes away from him. She only saw the strong line of his shoulders, the brown hair on the back of his head. There was a sense of… something… as she looked at the back of her betrothed. It was indiscernible in the effervescent moment, but she knew that this image of Hiccup's back was special; it was important, and not just for him, but for her as well.

"Hiccup?" Astrid asked as they landed back in the cove. Hiccup was smoothing his hand over his face, his shoulders sagging. Hiccup turned to look at her, his eyes still holding a remnant of that fierce emotion. She didn't know this, but she looked a bit wild. The winds had tousled her hair, and the chill had given her cheeks a rosy pink blush. Hiccup stepped towards her, his hand coming up to rest on her cheek, but he stopped whispers before he touched her. Her cheek tingled, an expectant feeling, anticipating his touch. Her heart beat so loud in her chest that for a moment it seemed to overwhelm all her senses, ringing in her ears. Hiccup's hand hovered over her cheek before sweeping, cautiously, almost shakily, over her hair, and then down the braid she had brushed over her shoulder.

"Sometimes," Hiccup said, "I can't believe the gods sent a Valkyrie to love me."

His words hadn't fully impacted her yet, but later in her room she would remember what he said, and take a quick night trip to the forest to lodge her axe in a few trees, in hopes that she could get rid of the giddy, fuzzy feeling in her heart. In the moment, she wasn't given much room to react to his declaration when he settled his lips on hers. The touch was so soft, so light, that Astrid wondered if it was there at all. But she closed her eyes, and all she could smell was him.

She'd never know, and Hiccup would never tell her, but gliding between the skies and the clouds, he had looked at her facing into the wind. The setting sun had cast glows over her, her blonde hair askance in the wind. He knew, right then, that she was a Valkyrie in human skin, sent to protect and love him. The gods had blessed him with her, they had found him worthy of her, and he vowed to become worthy of her. In that moment, he had understood what he had been given; something far more precious than his own life. He would see her back to Valhalla, blonde hair askance in the wind, eyes alight with fire and the blade of her axe sharpened in readiness of Ragnarok.

He kissed her in revelation of that.

A/N So a few quick notes. Obviously some things have changed since I started this story. Astrid's dragon was officially announced as Stormfly, and to reflect this I will adjust future chapters as follows. Maybe one day I'll go back and replace Stormfly's name in past chapters, but as of right now I'm horribly lazy.

If you're wondering why I decided to update now, after four years of neglecting this story, it's because of two things. The first is, of course, the release of HTTYD2. The second is because of a few amazing stories I read by some amazing authors that rekindled my love for writing. I will list them as follows.

Foxy'sGirl

Midoriko-sama

Le'letha

Please go give them a lot of love. Thanks!

Snow