Sorry for the delay in posting! I just moved into my dorm! Anyway not that much happens in this chapter action wise, but you'll get to see Dean tell Sam something very important! Let me know what you think of it please! Thanks for all of the reviews! I would have replied to them individually but my e-mail is set up differently up here.

Sam smiled as he drove the Impala to Jess's parent's house for Christmas. He realized that this was the first real Christmas Dean would have. They never celebrated the holidays when they were kids because of their father and how he was always hunting. And in truth, Sam had never had a real Christmas either, sure he had celebrated it with Jess and her family, but it wasn't Christmas without Dean. So this year would be the first real Christmas for both of them.

"Sammy, put this one in." Dean said from the backseat and shoved a cassette in his face. Sam had gone out and bought tons of cassettes with classic rock music on them which he knew Dean loved. He gave them to Dean as an early Christmas present and Dean was in his own little world flipping through the tapes. Sam had now officially handed the Impala to Dean to keep. Sam bought his own car but Dean insisted on driving the Impala because he wanted to listen to his new music, and Sam's car didn't have a cassette player in it. It only had a "lame CD player" as Dean called it.

Sam faked a sigh and grabbed the CD player from Dean's hand. His shoulder was healing well and it didn't cause him any pain to drive. He popped the cassette tape in and spared a look in the rear view mirror. Dean had leaned back, arms behind his head and closed his eyes; he started tapping a beat to the music and humming. Sam smiled, Dean was now in his zone and you don't dare mess with Dean Winchester when he is in the zone.

They finally arrived at Jess's parent's house and were instantly greeted by Jess's mom rushing out of the door. Her mother was about Jess's height and had the same wavy blonde hair. She didn't even have any grey hair that Sam could tell. She almost looked like she could be Jess's older sister because she took such good care of herself.

Jess, who had just woken up was immediately attacked with a huge hug from her mother. Sam and Dean both got out and a few moments later Sam was stuck in the same embrace. Then suddenly she pulled away from him.

"Oh Sam sweetie, I forgot about your shoulder! I'm so sorry! I didn't hurt you did I?" She asked him with a concerned look on her face.

"Don't worry about it mom, I'm fine. Really. It's healing real well." Sam assured her

"Alright if you say so." She smiled and turned around to face Dean "There's my Dean! Well just don't stand there! Come over to me and give me a hug!" She said urgently and Dean smiled shyly as he walked over to the excited mother.

Jess's mom had met Dean when her and her husband rushed over to Stanford after they heard about what had happened. Dean had been afraid that Jess's parents would blame him for their father's behavior that night. But they instantly hovered over Dean just like they had with Sam and Jess. They heard all the stories about Dean and how he was such a sweetheart from Jess over the phone and they already felt like they knew him and had to protect him. They informed Dean that it was not his fault at all for what happened that night and they were just so glad that everyone was okay. They helped the group of three move into their new apartment and Sam, Jess, and had Thanksgiving in the newly furnished apartment.

Jess's father came out and sighed.

"Penny!" He called out to his wife "Are you ever going to let go of them and invite them inside! They must be freezing!"

"Of course I'm going to let them inside Chris!" She yelled back and Sam just had to smile at how it felt like family, like he was actually part of a whole family.

Sam woke up early the next morning on Christmas Eve. Ever since the incident with his father, he hadn't been able to sleep very well and always woke up early. He thought that maybe now that he was away from the place it happened, he could sleep better but apparently that wasn't the case. Sam shuffled into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and jumped when he heard footsteps approach him. He quickly spun around but breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that it was just his brother.

"Hey." Dean told him, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes "Sorry I scared you."

"No, its fine Dean, I'm just still jumpy after well...you know... "Sam trailed off, not wanting to bring the topic up again "You want some coffee?" He asked, changing the subject.

"Sure." Dean told him as he limped over to the kitchen table and sat in one of the chairs.

"So...why are you up so early?" Sam asked his brother

Dean shrugged "Couldn't sleep very well, haven't since..." Dean swallowed and shuddered

Sam walked over to Dean and put a hand on his shoulder offering nonverbal comfort "Me either, guess that makes two of us.

They stayed in a comfortable silence for a while as Sam handed Dean his coffee. Sam watched as Dean drank it gratefully, his hands shaking as he did so.

Sam didn't know if he should question his older brother's behavior but decided he would. He wanted to know if something was bothering Dean.

"Dean, everything okay?" Sam asked and Sat down at the table next to him.

Dean put down his coffee which was half gone and looked at Sam directly in the eyes and Sam was blown away by the amount of trust he saw in Dean's eyes. "Actually Sammy, it's kinda the opposite. I...Can we...can we talk for a little bit?"

"Yea Dean! Of course!" Sam told him eagerly. Dean hadn't shared any of his memories with Sam since their father came. He was more than willing to listen to Dean tell him anything he needed to. He wanted to be there for his brother to help him through everything.

"Can we go outside or something? I just...want it to be me and you if that's okay." Dean asked him while looking at the ground

"Sure we can. I understand Dean. Let's go into the backyard." He told Dean

They walked out into the warm Arizona air, Sam walking slowly to keep with his heavily limping brother. They stopped under a tree and sat down. Sam patiently waited for Dean to start talking.

After about a minute Dean drew in a shaky breath "I..I don't know where to start."

"It's okay Dean. Take your time." Sam said, confused on what Dean wanted to tell him

"It's just...It's hard to tell you..." Dean mumbled

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to Dean, you know that right. I don't want you to feel forced to tell me anything you don't want to. But I am here for you Dean; I'll listen to anything you have to say." Sam tried reassuring his nervous brother

"No. I want to tell you." Dean took another deep breath and just decided to drop the bomb. "Sam, when we were growing up and dad was beating me, I thought I was completely worthless, a waste of space. I...when I got older, when I was about 15...I started having thoughts of...of killing myself, and they weren't just small thoughts, they were really strong thoughts." Dean saw Sam instantly pale but he had to continue this now or he was afraid he would never be able to again "I...I was going to do it. I was actually going to do it once you graduated from Stanford, and I knew you had gotten a new life. A life far away from dad. Because then, you would have a brand new life, you would be safe and you wouldn't need me anymore. My job would be done. The only thing that kept me from doing it earlier was you...I had to protect you. Even when you came to save me, I was still going to do it. I didn't think you needed me. Once I knew you were safe from dad I was going to run away, leave you a note saying that I love you and shoot myself in the head." He paused for a moment to regain his composure; he was so close to breaking down. But then he felt Sam's arm wrap tightly around him and he looked at his little brother. Tears were running freely down his face and he was shaking.

"Dean...Dean, please don't. I love you, I need you." Sam desperately told Dean and Dean realized that Sam thought he was still going to kill himself. Now that he was safe from their father, Sam thought Dean was going to commit suicide.

"No...Sammy wait. I'm not done. That's the thing. You saved me Sammy. You and Jess. Being here with you guys and living with you, I saw that you guys actually cared for me, really wanted me around. I found out that I was loved and that I'm not worthless, that I can have a life. I found out that you still thought of me as the protective big brother no matter what. I realized that I could be loved by other people too, that people other then my brother care about me and want to be around me. I'm not as stupid as I once thought I was, I can do things I never thought I'd be able to do. I'm free to live my own life with people that love me. You saved me Sammy, you and Jess. Maybe later we can sit down with Jess and tell her too because I want her to know. You both showed me that my life is worth living, and all thought of suicide are gone now Sammy. I want to thank you so much for that."

Dean was instantly rewarded by Sam pulling him into his arms tightly. Dean hugged him back, grateful that he had such an amazing little brother.

"I love you Dean, don't you ever forget that. You're the greatest big brother in the world." Sam sobbed, he had been able to stop his brother from doing something so horrible, and he couldn't believe it. He was so grateful for that dream vision that had allowed him to save his brother's life as well as his own in so many ways. He didn't know what he would do without Dean, and after spending so much time with him these past few months, getting to know each other after being apart for two years, he knew he couldn't live without his big brother.

"I love you too Sammy. And don't worry. I won't forget it ever again; you more than proved it to me. Couldn't ask for a better little brother."

And Sam knew they would have some more tough times coming up. Dean did still have to open up to Sam a bit more, they still had yet to determine John's jail sentence. But right now, everything was perfect in the world.