Chapter 3 How to Stop F-ing Up Your Life

Psychotic parents were the last things on Luke's mind as he pulled a beer out of the fridge and slumped into his leather armchair. He'd had enough of waiting and hoping for Lorelai to bounce into his life and save him from himself. He had to recapture whatever had pushed him to take action when he invited her to Liz' wedding.

He stubbed his sock-covered toe on a basket next to his chair as he returned from getting his second beer. Giving it a shove with his throbbing foot, the gifted-by-Lorelai basket, which held the mail he hadn't been willing to look at for the past weeks, toppled over.

Under the top few letters was a crude envelope made out of semi-pornographic pages from a graphic novel. Luke snorted at the term that had popped into his head, a remnant of the time he shared with Jess. "Graphic novel? You mean comic book porn for punks who can't find jobs."

Still, he picked up the envelope and turned it over in his hands. Return address Philadelphia. Ripping the envelope open, he unfurled a length of bubble wrap surrounding a small package wrapped in now unmistakably pornographic graphic art pages. It had been tied with plaid flannel and a trout ribbon that Lorelai had bought for him one day. "Always knew that kid stole my ribbon," he grumbled self-righteously.

There was a card. Fine, it was a 3x5 index card, but Jess had written him a card. The front side read 'Happy Fucking Founders Day or whatever damn holiday is coming up in that lunatic asylum you call a town.'

He flipped the card to the back, where hastily scrawled was "Rory emailed me then we talked." "Great," thought Luke, "now Jess and Rory have gotten back together. And I'm sitting here like a dumbass - the guy who fucks up all his relationships; who doesn't have a clue how to fix them."

He delayed opening the gift because he was a lot more excited about presents than he let on and because he was also a little cautious because who knew what that punk might try to send him. He got another beer and drained half of it in one gulp. First Emily, now Jess.

This was one ominously weird evening. Luke decided not to look out the window because that would almost certainly result in him having to cut his eyes out of his head because with the kind of craziness he'd seen tonight he would see Taylor and Kirk in the gazebo with tutus on, making out.

There was a crudely formed cardboard folder over a cassette tape. The label read

Learn to Love

"Chapter Eight: How to Stop Fucking Up Your Life" by Rory Gilmore and Jess Mariano.

Standing, although a little unsteady from the beer, Luke went to Jess' bedroom nook and reached behind the bed for the tape player boombox.

Plugging it in and setting the player on the kitchen table, Luke pressed Play, then gathered his bottles and dirty dishes and began cleaning up while he listened.

"Love!" screeched a voice on the tape, which Luke instantly recognized as Jess' voice.

"Did you have it? Was it great?"

Luke muttered, "I was the luckiest damn guy on the planet. For a while."

"Did you fuck it up? Did you lose the best thing that ever happened to you?"

"You never did pull your punches, did you Jess?" Luke pondered getting another beer, but was startled by a different voice on the tape.

"Jess! No need to be so harsh!" The feminine voice was noisy and much softer than Jess' baritone, but it was also familiar to Luke.

"Rory?" Surprised, he walked over to the table, dropped the dish towel and shook his head. "Rory's in Philadelphia? Why isn't she at Yale?"

Once Jess turned up the volume and she continued talking, Luke smiled. "It really is Rory. Well, I'll be damned." He sat down and paid attention.

"You can hear me now?" she asked. "I closed the door to my dorm room. It's quieter now."

"Yeah, it's good enough. The recording is still running."

"Wow," murmured Luke. "She's still at Yale, and Jess is in Philadelphia, and they're recording this. I didn't know Jess was a computer wizard." He rocked back in the chair, smiling as he began to appreciate what these two were doing for him.

Jess continued.

"You want it back? You can get it back. It's gonna take work. Lots of work. Are you prepared to work hard to earn her back?"

"Geez, Jess, can you make this any lamer?" He grimaced before replying. "But yeah. I'll do whatever it takes," he replied to the tape.

"Is this book for real?" interjected Rory.

"Hush! Don't kill the flow!" Annoyed, Jess went on. "You're going to have to do two of the hardest things you've ever had to do in your life."

Luke groaned. "Jess, are you trying to kill me? 'Cause I'm starting to get visions of Uncle Louie directing me toward the white light."

"Let me tell you about my friend Phillip. He was in love. Got the girl. Loved the girl. But before he realized what had happened, Phillip had screwed the pooch. He let his relationship fall apart."

"Jess, is the book really that lame? Does anybody really talk like that?" asked Rory. "And who's Phillip?"

"Rory, please. I don't know who Phillip is, and yes the book is even lamer than this recording we're making. All I know is Luke pined for Lorelai until he listened to the book. Somehow it got him off his ass and made him able to actually ask her out."

"Aw, that's sweet," she said. "So what's wrong now? Why can't he go to her now? Mom is miserable without him."

"What's wrong now is your grandmother is an asshat and broke them up. Now Luke is so bad off that Lane called me, and you emailed me, thinking I can do something about the situation. Why the hell you guys think this is beyond me."

"Yeah," sighed Rory. "Lane said that he is losing customers every day, and he's not sleeping, so he's grumpy, and it's not getting better. She's worried the diner will close and she'll lose her job."

Luke grasped his hat in frustration. "What are the two things I have to do?" he moaned. "Please tell me, or kill me now."

"Jess, why do you have the book? Did you READ the book?" Rory pondered for a moment. "You did! You did read the book! That's the reason you came to see me at Yale!"

"Aw, geez, Rory, can we just focus on Luke and your mom?"

"You did!" she crowed. "You read the book before you asked me to run away to New York! Aw, Jess, that's so sweet. A complete failure, but sweet nonetheless."

Luke put his head in his hands. "I'm beginning to like Kirk's advice more all the time. Wait? You guys were going to run away to New York?"

"Rory, let it go. We're both better off now. You've got a boyfriend, I've got a girlfriend. If we can finally finish this damn tape, we'll probably become cousins, which would make running away together weird."

"Right," she agreed even as she chuckled over Jess and the book. "Mom and Luke. We have to get them back together. They need each other."

Luke frowned. "I never thought I'd hate a tape more than that last one I listened to, but this one is right up there. For god's sake, please just tell me the two damn things!"

"Luke," said Rory, "I know Mom loves you and you love her."

Luke melted, knowing Rory was on their side.

"And from what Lane and Rory said, you got pissed about something that doesn't even matter anymore, but you think you've dug yourself in too deep and she won't ever forgive you," added Jess, "and now you're paralyzed and can't figure out how to fix it."

"How did he know that?" wondered Luke.

"I know that because I lived with you for a year. You don't even need to ask the question." Jess could be harsh sometimes, but he knew his uncle.

"I'm not going to blush over an audio tape," insisted a red-faced Luke to himself.

"So you just need to do two things," concluded Rory.

"It involves the use of actual words, so I know this will be hard for you, Uncle Luke," sneered Jess.

Rory and Jess spoke at the same time.

"Go to Mom, tell her you love her and you can't live without her and you'll do anything to get back together," said Rory.

"Get your ass to wherever she is, beg her forgiveness, and camp out until she actually listens to you," said Jess.

"Wait, that's like 3, 4, maybe 6 things!" cried Luke. His chair hit the ground hard. "And all of them are exactly what Kirk said he did."

The two on the tape began arguing about which were the right two things to do.

After a moment Jess reiterated, "Go to her now and don't leave until she takes you back. Right now, wherever she is, whatever she's doing, drop to your knees and beg forgiveness. Then kiss her senseless ("Ew!" came from Rory) and do whatever the hell she says so she'll let you back in her life."

As the two continued bickering, Luke stared at the tape, realizing the idiocy he'd displayed when he moped around Lorelai at the musical, hoping she'd start the discussion. He realized that she was still trusting him after all these weeks to know what he wants, and believed he didn't want her. Rory had just told him that was wrong.

"Go!" came a unified shout from the tape, causing Luke to jump.

Grabbing his coat, he ejected the tape, slipped it into his coat pocket and headed out the door.