I made the mistake of binge watching Elfen Lied in a single day and I think I died a little inside. ALthough this was written before i did that, it's probably fitting that the first thing I post is so damn angsty.

Honestly, it was kinda rough writing this one.

Anyways, angst and angsty-smut ahead. I don't own anything involving Fairy Tail, yada yada...

Chapter 18 - "Angst Angst Angst (or, "Angst Angst Angst Angst Angst")

Lucy POV

The sound of my apartment door closing behind me seemed to echo through the silence. I looked around my familiar home, but it seemed so... empty. My hand absentmindedly caresses my keys, but I let out a sob when I feel the remains of Aquarius' key. My eyes burning, I unhook my keys on the way into my bedroom. With a heavy heart I place them on my desk, on top of the most recent chapter of my novel. My bones ache despite the extensive healing, my muscles are so sore. I look down at the tattered remnants of my clothes and sniffle. I haul myself into my bathroom and start the shower. After peeling off the barely held-together pieces of cloth, I turn to look myself over in the mirror, and I hear myself let out a whine. My eyes zero in on the delicate black mark branded across my collarbone.

It's her mark.

THe tears burn as they slide down my face, carving more tracks through the grime. My teeth clench against the onslaught of pain that grips me heart. I grip the counter tightly, unable to look away from the mark.

She's gone.

She's gone forever.

I killed her.

A sob wracks my body and I cover my face with a shaky hand. Steam fills the room as the shower heats up and I manage to pull away from my reflection once the mist consumes it. I push my pain away and step under the spray, the heat of the water washing away the aches, grime, and dried blood. I stand for awhile until my mind refuses to be quieted anymore, and I sink to the floor of the tub and weep.

She's gone.

Long after the water had lost its heat and turned to ice, I finally turned off the water. Despite my shivering, I welcomed the cold - it distracted me from the pain. It took a huge amount of effort but I pulled myself up. I wrapped a towel around myself, pointedly ignoring my reflection with that damned tattoo. I absent-mindedly pulled a pair of underwear and a tnak top out of the laundry basket I hadn't had a chance to put away. I dressed robotically, leaving the towel in a heap on the floor. I fell back onto my bed and squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to sleep if only to stop the pain.

MY exhaustion allowed the sleep to come, but my dreams replayed that awful incident over and over every time I closed my eyes. On the third time I awoke screaming and crying, I got up. I stomped to my kitchen and tore open the cupboard door to my alcohol cabinet. I send up a quiet prayer that Cana left me something – anything. Breathing heavily and with red-ringed eyes, I glanced over the meager selection. Half a bottle of whiskey was near the front, and all I wanted was to numb the pain. My fingers gripped the cool glass and pulled the bottle to my lips immediately.

Tears leaked from my eyes and my throat burned, though I was unable to discern whether it was from the burn of the liquor or my own unending sadness. I pulled back to gasp a breath, already wobbling on my feet. I wipe the sweat from my forehead and lean against the counter, allowing the alcohol time to work its way through my veins - which it did very quickly. The numbness was spreading deliciously, and I take another long swig of the burning liquid.

I kept drinking until the bottle was empty and I could no longer stand. I fell asleep on the tiled floor of my kitchen, the drunken haze keeping the dreams at bay.

Every day I forced myself to look presentable and make the venture to the infirmary, where I sat next to my unconscious Laxus for hours until someone shooed me away, telling me to go get some rest. I'm sure they could see the dark, sunken look to my eyes. I could see the worried look in all their eyes, but luckily everyone was too busy either rebuilding the guild hall again, or dealing with their own demons. I'm sure the other slayers could smell the alcohol on me, but thankfully they let me be. I forced a smile on my face, trying my hardest to hide my feelings.

Everyone was suffering. They didn't need to worry about my own problems. My hand grips Laxus' hand tighter and he murmurs in his sleep.

He wasn't really in a coma anymore, he woke up periodically in a daze but would just fall right back asleep. Sometimes I curled up next to him on the small bed as best I could, wrapping his arms around me and burrowing into his side. It dulled the pain, being with him... but it just wasn't enough right now. I needed his stupid cocky smirk and his sparkling eyes and his soothing voice... And the longer I stay, the more I'm reminded of my failures. He's like this because he had to save my stupid, worthless ass. Just like she's gone forever because she had to save my stupid, worthless ass.

So every day, I picked up another bottle of booze on my walk back to my apartment, where I drank until the pain stopped, and then I drank some more.

One day, I just couldn't bring myself to leave the house. So I just kept drinking. And I just... didn't really stop.

I can't really blame my friends for failing to notice my absence after only a couple days - everyone was dealing with major PTSD, and those who weren't, were frantically trying to take care of those who were. It wasn't that hard to slip through the cracks. So I let myself sink into my couch, tossing another empty bottle over my shoulder. For some reason the harsh sound of the glass hitting the wall soothed me.

I reached for the next bottle, popping off the cap with fumbling fingers, inhaling the fumes. I welcomed the pain of the burn - anything to dull the pain of loss. The fire burned through me, through my veins, chasing away the guilt and anguish until I was comfortably numb to the world. I kept swallowing the flames, until all of my fears, my regrets, my memories... they all faded away, leaving behind a soothing fog of... nothing.

The room blurred around me, colors melting into each other. My body felt leaden and limp, but I felt free. I felt like I was in a different place, somewhere other than this horrible fucking world. The couch itself melted away, taking me with it into blissful nothingness. A wonderful escape. I wish I never had to leave.

Hours passed. At least... I think they did. It kind of looked like it was night time again. Did I start drinking during the night or day? I can't seem to remember...Every time the numbness dulls enough to allow some pain through, I drink deeply of the burning liquid, the cool glass occasionally clinking against my teeth. The lack of soiled clothes seems to suggest I somehow managed to make trips to the bathroom, although I have no memory of doing so. Eventually though, I heard a sound. It was so distant... so strange... a kind of thump thump thump... Maybe it's my heartbeat.

I tried to make my senses focus on the sound, my mind struggling until I gave up and let my eyes slide closed again. My drifting is interrupted again as a different sound reaches me. It almost sounded like words. There was a pressure on my shoulder and I felt my body being shook. I crack an eye open in irritation to look at a blurry face. Do I know this face? I think I do...

The sound of the face's voice was still muddled, only slightly decipherable. A familiar scent hit me and cleared the fog enough for me to focus and recognize the face. It was Laxus.

Laxus was here.

The realization shocked away the haze enough for my consciousness to stumble back and I start to hear his frantic words.

"Lucy! Lucy, wake up! What the fuck is this?!"

His voice was distant, and I could only stare at him dumbly. He's so pretty. I become aware of his warm hands still on my shoulders and excitement sparks, arousal stirring beneath the haze. I hesitantly paw at his face with my hands, purring a little as they confirm that yes, Laxus was here, and he was in front of me. He was awake, and he was alive, and he was here. His worried face comes into focus and I start to get lost in his eyes. His hand comes up to press my hand against his face, his other stroking my hair.

"It's me, baby. I'm here, Lucy, I'm here. Are you okay?" his wonderful voice tickles my ears and I smile. Of course I'm not okay, you silly man. But my tongue felt heavy in my mouth.

"Can you hear me? Please, baby... Why would you do this?" he asks, his voice raw. I giggle and find myself staring at his lips. He gently shakes me again.

"She's... she's gone..." I managed to slur, gazing at his gorgeous face and distracting myself by running a finger along his scar. His eyebrows furrow. "I killed her, Laxus..." I choke, the pain threatening to break the surface. His eyes search my face in confusion.

"Who? Who's gone?" he asks quietly. I feel a surge of pain and the self-protecting part of my brain lit up. I don't want to have this conversation. And why is he still talking? I want him to kiss me, touch me, fuck me...

"Lucy? Please, baby. Talk to me," he begs. My mind is set in determination. I'm going to go on the offensive. Right now, I wanted two things; for this conversation to stop, and for him to fuck me until I can't think anymore. Luckily both of these things can be accomplished at the same time.

"Stop talking." I murmur, my eyes zeroing in on his lips and my arousal growing stronger with every movement. Before he can react, I pull my shirt over my head and throw it to the side. His jaw drops and he sits there, stunned long enough for me to pull his shirt open and start to fumble with his zipper. His hands close around mine quickly and firmly. I look at his face to see a surprised yet concerned expression, but there it was – the heat. He could stop me all he wanted but I could see plain as day how much he didn't want to. When he opens his mouth to talk, I lean forward to latch onto the sensitive spot on his neck, suckling on it and causing his grip to slacken. I push him to sit back and I quickly straddle his hips, savoring the moan he lets out before he can help himself. He eyes the tattoo across my collarbones but squeezes his eyes shut before he can make any connections.

"Lucy... stop," he tries, but I smirk and slide down his body to kiss just above his pantline. He sucks in a breath through his teeth as his hands shoot to grip my shoulders weakly. I pull his zipper down and press a kiss against his boxers-covered member, smirking when the appendage twitches and starts to harden. I feel his hands push at me feebly, and I feel triumph. I'm winning. I pull back again to stand unsteadily in front of him, pushing down my skirt until it pools around my ankles on the floor, leaving me in a bra and panties. His eyes are dark and his breathing unsteady. I hold his gaze and straddle him again, grinding down against the rapidly growing bulge in his pants. His neck cords and he hisses. I capture his lips with my own, muffling his attempt at protest again. MY blood boils and my body feels hot, the slickness between my thighs growing. My tongue slips past his lips to dance with his, and soon enough he's kissing me back and I smirk. I rearrange myself enough to reach below us and push his pants down enough to release the tent in his boxers.

The haze still held my brain, but now it was joined by a haze of passion. His hands gripped my thighs, slipping backwards enough to cup my ass enticingly. I moan into his mouth and continue to grind in his lap. I move to suckle below his ear and he gasps.

"L-Lucy... stop..." he tries weakly, his voice thick with tension.

"You don't want me to stop," it was a statement, and it was a statement we both knew was true. He proves me right when he bucks his now fully erect cock against my panty-covered core. He breathes deeply, his hands holding on tighter. HE grits his teeth against a moan.

"Yea, but... you're drunk...and I... need you to stop," he tries again, voice breathless now. I growl in irritation.

"And I need you to just fuck me already," I coo in his ear, rubbing my hips against his even harder and reaching behind myself to undo my bra. I pull back to look in his eyes and pull the bra from my body. His eyes widen and focus on my bare breasts and I know I've won. Time to set the final nail in the coffin. I pull one of his hands from my ass and press it against my breast. His breath hitches and I lean back in. "Please fuck me, Laxus..." I moan in his ear.

His self control shatters and he tears off my panties. He spears two fingers deep inside of me and I squeal in delight. His fingers curl and hit that special spot and my hips jerk.

"Fine," he grunts, his eyes wild. "If you want me to fuck you, then I'll fuck you," he growls dangerously, pushing me off his lap and pulling me to the arm of the couch. My inebriated mind cheers but spins at the speed of his movements. He bends me over at the waist, my breast rubbing against the course cloth of the couch. "Dammit, Lucy…" he hisses. He pulls his boxers down, freeing himself and quickly burying himself to the hilt inside my dripping pussy.

I cry out in pleasure, eyes screwing shut as he immediately bottoms out. His low groan behind me makes my toes curl and my blood heat up. His hands grasp my butt roughly, and he starts to thrust wildly. I look over my shoulder and see his angry, desperate, animalistic eyes. His teeth were clenched and his hands actually kind of hurt with how hard they gripped me. But this was exactly what I wanted - exactly what I asked for. His cock hits my G-Spot and stars burst behind my eyes. But it's not enough. I need more. I need to have my mind erased.

"Harder, baby!" I moan, bucking my hips backwards. He grunts and obliges, his cock hitting my cervix with each forceful thrust. I grip the couch fabric and bite my lip. So close. Just a little more. "Spank me!" I demand. His palm comes down on my rear roughly, the stinging force sending jolting pleasure shooting straight to my core. The pain combines with the pleasure, pushing the emotional pain to the very back of my head. His palm comes down again, and I clench around him tightly as waves of pleasure wash over me. My throaty moan has his pace unrelenting throughout my orgasm, keeping me from crashing and just starting the fire before it even goes out. He hunches over me, his angry, desperate grunts puffing against the back of my neck.

His hips don't stop, and I'm brought to the edge again quickly. This time his thrusts start to become erratic signaling his end, and excitement blooms. I want nothing more than to cum with him. His rough breathing reflects the roughness of his palms as they keep smacking my ass, each strike shorting out my brain.

"FUCK DON'T STOP!" I scream, eyes rolling back and back arching. Behind me, Laxus snarls and pistons even faster. He grabs my hips and pulls me back into a particularly hard, deep thrust and the coil snaps. My walls milk his cock and he howls as his release coats my insides. As the orgasm fog slowly clears, kept going with the rhythmic thrusting of Laxus as we ride it out, a feeling of emptiness starts to set in. The emptiness grows with each passing moment, and I feel tears well up in my eyes. Laxus pants behind me, slouching forward.

Oh god... why... why did I just do that?

Did I just use my beloved... for my own selfish desire to run from my problems?

Oh god... I just used him... I use everyone... I used her as well, I used her as a tool and killed her...

My stomach drops like lead. A sob sneaks out, and Laxus freezes. With shaking hands he pulls me close, maneuvering us to sink to the floor and hold each other. I cover my face with my hands, feeling utterly broken. His arms curl around me and hold me tight, a slight tremble in them.

"Oh god..." he murmurs in horror. "Lucy, I..." he whispers, voice pained. I look up at him sheepishly. The look of horror and self-hatred makes my heart clench. "I'm so sorry... Oh god..." he whimpers, voice breaking. I shake my head.

"No... this wasn't your fault..." I say meekly, rubbing at my tear stained cheeks. He shakes his head angrily.

"Yea it fucking was," he growls angrily, shocking me. "I can't believe I just... You needed help and I just..." he trails off, his expression pained. "You needed help and I just... I just took advantage of you... like a fucking monster..." he growls, voice thick with pain.

I shake my head, but I can't bring myself to meet his gaze. I'm too ashamed.

"Shut up, Laxus," I whisper, throat tight. "Just… stop. It's…. no. It's not your fault," I sob. I wrap my arms around him and hold him as tight as I can, burying my face in his neck. He lets out a pained whine and grips me closer. "Just… I'm so tired," I whimper weakly. He's trembling, but he grips me tightly and picks us both up, hobbling to the bed. He pauses, and I feel him pick up and toss away the bottles on the bed with one arm. He lays me down gently and I glance up.

He has tears in his eyes, and the sight is so unexpected, so completely raw, that I let out a sob, my chest almost too tight to breath. I've never seen him look so broken… and it kills me.

He turns to leave and I grab his arm, pulling weakly. He refuses to look at me, but he stops anyways. "Please…" I whimper. "Please don't leave…"

Wordlessly he turns to look at me, hesitating. I sniffle.

"Please… I can't… I can't handle anyone else leaving me…" My voice is so weak it trembles. His eyes betray his breaking heart and he wordlessly slides into bed behind me, wrapping his arms around me protectively. I can still feel his self hatred and I try to muster the strength to reassure him. "It's not your fault. We're going to be okay…" I whisper. He sniffles behind me and buries his face in my hair. We curl into each other more, trying to hold each other together as our hearts break.

"Will… will you tell me what's wrong?" he whispers. I stiffen for a moment. I don't know if I can say this out loud… but I need to. He needs to know.

"I killed Aquarius," I whisper into the dark. I feel him hesitate behind me, leaning back to look at me. I grit my teeth and hold my position. Please don't leave me…

"She woke me up," he whispers into the dark.

At this I freeze, mind numbing. I twist my head around to look at him. His watery eyes are sincere, and he takes a shaky breath.

"She… I… I almost didn't wake up in time. But… she woke me up. She told me to go save you…" he cringed, ashamed at his own weakness. I can only blink. The tears well up again and he nuzzles them away with his nose. "I don't know what happened, but I know she asked me to save you. Something about doing everything in her power but it not being enough… So she kicked my ass into gear," he rumbled. I snorted at the last sentence, but the pain that racked my chest made me grip at my face.

"I… I can't right now. I can't talk about this…" I cry, shoulders heaving. He pulls me closer and rubs my back soothingly, the feeling of it on my still bare skin comforting.

"Sleep, love," he breathes. I shudder but let the exhaustion sweep over me. My tired mind gives up trying to understand, and I sink into a dreamless sleep.

In case Laxus seems OOC with his crying and shit, remember, he just went through some serious trauma as well, and only just got released from the hospital after almost dying a couple times. They're both really, really vulnerable at this time.

Real talk - I've experienced that particular situation before, only with the genders reversed and from Laxus' viewpoint (after my most recent read-through, I realize this chapter with the genders flipped might seem a little rapey, so let me just assure you that was not the intention, and society's double standards are stupid, but I digress) So not only was I writing a personal experience, but I was writing it from the opposite point of view. It was weird, is what I'm saying. Definitely an interesting writing experience, if you're willing to try.

Almost out of the angst, and also probably going to finish soon. Don't worry, this was actually just a prequel to a wonderful, magical story involving Fairy Tail and Hogwarts because I think that crossover is pretty dope. Gonna have Laxus as a slytherin teacher and lucy as a gryffindor student. It's got some pretty sexy situations, but that's just my opinion. I kinda love the whole "star-crossed lovers"/"forbidden fruits"/"total opposites" thing.