A/N - Hey guys! Sorry my updates have been pretty slow. Oh, and also, incase you're confused as to why my pen-name is different, well, it's 'cause I changed it. Obviously lol. I was feeling in a very Brucas-y mood so I decided to make a brucas name. :)

Thanks: MissUnderstood92, onetreefan, dolcegrazia, Brooke D., CheerandBrood323, BrOoKe DaViS23, brookenlucas4eva03, hoeoverbros, Mosie1213, othfan326, BandL4eva, Team Davis-Scott, chebelle, brucas3, Brook-Lucas-Fan-23, bd-ls-islove, onetreehillgirl066, brucas333, tanya2byour21, BDavis427, and BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE. Thanks so, so, so much!

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Searching For What We Lost

Chapter 5 -

--Two Months Earlier--

The sun's rays peered through the blinds in the bedroom. Lucas groaned and rolled over, not anxious at all to start a new day. Every morning started this way, and truthfully he didn't see it getting better any time soon.

It was no surprise that when he opened his eyes, the spot on the bed next to him was vacant. Brooke hadn't been getting any sleep in the past few days. But Lucas was thankful that she was finally up and out of bed, unlike the first few days after it had happened.

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up in bed.

Was it always going to be this way from now on? Was it always going to be so hard to get out of bed? Was Brooke always going to be so distant?

He threw the blankets off of his body and stood up, stretching a bit to make sure he was fully awake.

The house was quiet, as it always was in the morning, but this was a different type of quiet. He expected to find Brooke in the living room, lying down on the couch, half asleep when he walked down the staircase. This was where he'd been finding her in the mornings recently.

Except he didn't see her on the couch half asleep, or in the living room at all.

"Brooke?" He called out, walking towards the kitchen, thinking maybe she'd be in there.

Instead he found a piece of notepad paper scribbled on, and it was signed by Brooke in a disheveled manner.

"Oh no."

--Present Time--

Her eyes closed and her whimpers died down a bit as she tried containing herself so she would be able to speak. She couldn't believe what she was about to say.

"I think...I think I need to leave again."

Brooke knew that what she said probably didn't make any sense to Lucas. But to her, it did.

Even as she was waiting to board the plane a few days prior, she knew coming home was a huge mistake and it would inevitably lead to disaster. But she found it in herself to muster up all the strength she could find within her, and she decided to fly back across the country where she felt she needed to be...But now...now she wasn't so sure anymore.

"What?" He spoke. "Why?...You can't." He said, and at that point, his voice was faltering in and out just like hers was. "Why?" He repeated in a more steady tone.

"It's too hard." She shook her head and looked away from him, hiccupping through her tears. "I can't do this...And you don't want me here either."

"I never said that, Brooke. I never once said I didn't want you here with me. Because I do." He paused and sighed deeply. "But what about before? What about then, Brooke? When you were gone, when you weren't here...And you think it's hard now, two months after the fact? How hard do you think it was for me to deal with this alone...without my wife? How about when I had to bury my own son? Alone."

Alone.

Lucas was in Tree Hill while Brooke was in California. And though they had other friends surrounding them, Peyton for Brooke and Nathan and Haley for Lucas, they were still apart for those two months and never in either one of their lives had they felt any lonelier than they had been feeling during that time.

"I mean, you didn't even go to his funeral, Brooke."

"I know." She sobbed and looked down, too ashamed to look at her husband. She hadn't gone to their son's funeral and just the thought of that made her feel even more guilty about everything. "I know. And I regret that every single day. I know I should have went and I know I should have been there with you..."

He nodded and wiped his eyes. He didn't like to let Brooke know when he was crying...He didn't like crying, period. He liked to seem like the stronger one out of the two and let her know she could come to him with anything.

But maybe that was part of the problem.

Maybe Brooke had become so dependant on Lucas that she expected him to be able to take away all that pain from the loss of their son.

And maybe Lucas just couldn't do that. Maybe he was looking for someone to take away his pain, too.

"You never even went to visit his grave." His voice was almost inaudible, but Brooke was able to hear each and every word.

"Sometimes..." She began. "I just like to pretend that I'm living in some nightmare...that I'll wake up and he'll still be here, and we'll still be us...not these two people that are so broken. God, Luke, I never wanted this for us...and I just thought that if I went to the funeral, or if I went to his grave... it would all just make everything a thousand times more real."

"Brooke." His voice was soft as he placed his hand on her thigh. "It is real."

"I know." And with those words her sobs got harder and more uncontrollable. "I know." She muttered.

It was what she was afraid.

Every day she'd wake up in hopes of finding her young son still in bed sleeping. But he was never there, and never would be again.

"Brooke..." He lightly shook her body in attempt to wake her up.

She was sleeping, slumped in a chair in the hospital's emergency room waiting room and Lucas frowned, taking all of her in.

She was a complete mess.

Her hair was tousled, her makeup had run. And if it were under better circumstances, once Brooke realized what she looked like, she'd probably rush into the bathroom to freshen up.

But she did know what she looked like. She looked like the same as now before she'd fallen asleep. She just had much bigger things on her mind, that she didn't even care what she looked like.

"Hmm?" She mumbled, still half asleep.

"Brooke, baby, wake up. The doctor's coming to talk to us in a few minutes."

"Doctor?" Her eyes were still closed.

"Brooke..."

Her eyes finally opened and she was met with his. "No, it was a dream. Right?" She sounded hopeful.

He remained silent.

"Luke?" Her voice was low and raspy.

"Brooke, it wasn't a dream."

"No. No, no, no." She buried her face in his chest and sobbed. "He has to be okay. He has to."

"And he will be." Lucas mumbled into her hair and silently hoped his words would be right.

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A/N - Okay, I'm not really crazy about this chapter. Hope you enjoyed it, though.

By the way, who else is racking their brains out about the finale?? I don't want to wait 'til September 1st to see what happens!! :(

At least the Brucas scenes were AMAZING. And omg, who else cried when Brooke was giving away Angie?? I was hysterical!!

Anyways, leave a review! Thanks!

–Melissa