Chapter Twenty-Five

With his head still ringing from the shock of the impact, Colonel Sheppard looked around the dark control room. Hardly able to distinguish one shadow from another he coughed a few times to try to find his voice.

"Sound off!" he finally managed to call out.

"Daniels!"

"McKay!"

"Lorne!"

Three voices came simultaneously. A moment later there was a cough and a groan beside him as Ronon sat up, trying to shake off the sensation of having been bounced around.

"Dex," Ronon croaked through a voice full of dust.

"Teyla! Oaksford!" Sheppard called.

Somewhere a few feet away, in the approximate area where Alex had last been standing Lorne gave a moan. His left arm was bent at an angle that made even Sheppard wince. Stumbling to his feet, he pulled out a flashlight. He already knew what he was likely to find, but had to know for himself, anyway.

"Teyla! Oaksford!"

Shining his light around, he found Teyla just stirring. She was covering her eyes against the light, a trickle of blood running down her face from her forehead. Oaksford was practically at her feet, his head at an unnatural angle and his eyes wide and staring. He cursed himself for a moment before finally shining the light where Major Lorne was already stumbling toward. There was Alex, slumped over the console. In the murk they couldn't tell if she was breathing or not, but he doubted it.

"Alex!" Lorne said in a shaky voice, reaching out with his good arm.

Sheppard stood perfectly still keeping the light on them as Lorne put two fingers to her exposed neck. He knew the relief on the Major's face was echoed on his own. Now that everyone was accounted for, it was time to assess the rest of the damages.

"Where are we, Rodney?"

Already at work on his tablet McKay was quiet for a moment. "She managed to land us on the shore of a lake. We're about fifty kilometers from Delta Site. We made it."

Seeing Teyla standing and everyone accounted for, Sheppard walked across the canted floor to join Lorne. Carefully they lifted Alex off the console and lowered her onto the floor. She was alive, but only barely. Her caved in chest told them all they needed to know. She wasn't going to survive long. They had to get her to Beckett. Having no idea what condition the Delta Site was in, Sheppard wasn't even sure Beckett could help. But the desperation on Lorne's face convinced him to keep his mouth shut.

Sheppard squatted on Alex's other side as Lorne pulled her upper body into his lap. With his good hand he patted her face, trying to get her to wake up.

"Come on, Alex. I need you to wake up," Evan spoke to her, desperation making his voice tremble slightly. "That's it. Wake up. I need you to listen to me. I need you to focus."

She mumbled something incoherent that led to a coughing spasm that left her choking on her own blood. No, she wasn't going to survive. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. Noticing Sheppard's look of sorry, Lorne flashed a glare at his CO that warned to keep his mouth shut, before turning his focus back to Alex.

"That's it, Alex. Just breathe. Are you with me?"

"Evan…" she whispered, her eyes open to mere slits.

"That's good, Alex. Can you look at me?"

Sheppard chewed his lips watching her struggle. "Major—"

"I've resigned, effective immediately. Now back off, Colonel," Lorne warned, shocking the Colonel to silence. "Alex, listen to me. I know it hurts. But you're going to be okay. You just need to feed. Come on, you—"

Now her eyes flew open in panic. Not able to talk with the copious amounts of blood she was now coughing up, she shook her head weakly. Her feeding hand being closest to him, Sheppard grabbed it and put it to his chest.

"Take just enough to get back to Beckett," Sheppard told her gruffly, now leaving Lorne in shocked silence. "That's an order, Alex."

Summoning all that was left of her strength and speed, Alex yanked her hand back from Sheppard almost pulling him down on top of her, as she drew her knife with her left hand. Before either of them could stop her, she had stabbed the knife in her feeding hand to the hilt and twisted. Already in too much pain and choking too much to breathe, she couldn't even scream.

"No, no, no," Lorne said, hunching over her miserably as he rolled her on her side to help her to breathe. "Alex, don't do this. Please."

Feeling no less miserable than Lorne, Sheppard watched for a moment. Lorne was now cupping her head in his good hand and rocking. His shoulders shook with his silent sobs, but he could not have cared less who saw him. He whispered things to her no one else could make out. Somewhere around them he could hear the others moving about, having gathered around. No, Sheppard was not prone to emotional displays, and that wasn't about to change now. But he could take a moment to honor her sacrifice. Seeing she had stopped breathing, and was staring blindly, he bowed his head for a moment.

For a time all that was heard were Major Lorne's deep breaths as he tried to compose himself. He used his good arm to gently lay her down and close her eyes. For a moment he sat on his knees covering his face with his good hand. Finally he took one last shaky breath and looked around in the murky darkness.

"Oaksford?" he asked softly of Sheppard, as if already knowing the answer.

Sheppard just shook his head, his features utterly emotionless. Lorne closed his eyes against this added pain and nodded. No one seemed to want to move. But they couldn't stay here. They were thirty miles from the Delta Site and a gate. The condition of the Beta and Delta Sites was unknown. The locations of both the Daedalus and Apollo were unknown. The only thing Sheppard was certain of at this point was that Atlantis, and most likely Earth were safe. After giving them all a moment of silence to get over the shock, Sheppard stood up and gave a hand up to Lorne.

"McKay, find us a way out of here."

Even McKay didn't have the heart to speak. For a moment Lorne just looked down at Alex and Oaksford. Sheppard gripped his shoulder and shook him. He needed his second in command now. He didn't have time to give the man to grieve.

"We'll come back for them, Major."

His broken left arm cradled to his chest, Lorne clenched his good fist. For a moment Sheppard thought he was going to lash out and was more than willing to let him right now and deal with consequences later. Instead, Lorne did the last thing he expected under the circumstances and in light of what he'd said earlier. He stepped back and saluted.

"For the fallen."

Sheppard, Daniels, and Ronon followed suit and echoed, "For the fallen."

Teyla murmured a prayer in and language none of them recognized and McKay just stared sadly down at the corpses.

"We good?" Sheppard asked Lorne.

"Yes, sir," Lorne replied, his blue eyes seeming dead, empty.

"That's not what I asked, so I'll rephrase it. Are we good, Evan?"

The devastation in his expression was something Sheppard hoped to never see again. But Lorne pulled himself together visibly. "No, but I will be."

Sheppard nodded in return. Likely as not, the Major knew he was going to face some consequences for his earlier statement; but, for now, Colonel Sheppard was just glad he wasn't going to have to deal with this without his second in command. Until that moment, he hadn't realized just how much he'd come to depend on the usually unflappable Major. The fact that the man now looked so broken was almost frightening.

Following Rodney's instructions, the group made their way out of the ship and toward the Delta Site on foot.

~o~o~o~

Hours later as they were trying to find a pass through a mountain range, the Daedalus locked on to their signal and picked them up. It was good news all around. The Alpha Site had been taken care of and all the remaining supplies were intact. The Beta Site hadn't been compromised. Per Major Lorne's orders, Major Cram had secreted away Doctor Weir until the Delta Site was Wraith-free. Knowing something had gone wrong, the Apollo had returned to Atlantis to guard her until word came of the whereabouts of the hive ship and the two missing teams.

Doctor Beckett, banged up and bruised from the brief battle was back in control of the Delta Site's medical teams when the remaining members of the two teams returned. Seeing them back, if a bit worse for the wear, Carson smiled happily. It only took him a few seconds to realize Alex wasn't with them, and to catch the devastation on Lorne's face.

"No," was all he managed to get out.

"Carson," Sheppard started, this still being the worst part of his job; but he never got to finish.

"Stop. Don't, just…don't," Carson said shoving his hands in his lab coat pockets. For a moment he just stood there breathing and staring fixedly at the floor. "Doctor Knightley, please see to them."

And with that, he left. For a moment Lorne looked like he was going to follow, but instead he just slouched further. One by one they were led to gurneys that were lined up since the call from the Daedalus had alerted them what to expect. Feeling more dead inside than he could ever remember, Sheppard just lay on the gurney and waited his turn. Just once he glanced at Lorne in a nearby gurney. He was staring at the tent ceiling lost in his thoughts. As if sensing Sheppard's watchfulness, Lorne's blue eyes turned, though his head stayed in the same place. Having confirmed he was under observation, Lorne closed his eyes. Sheppard wasn't fooled. He knew the man was in pain, more pain than even himself. He just hoped the Major could recover from this.

~o~o~o~

Beckett exited the med tent and just kept walking. There was a hole inside him too big and too dark to ever be able to fill. Alex was gone. There was nothing left for him. He was numb. This wasn't happening. Not again. Not Alex.

He was cold. His body was shaking uncontrollably. At some point he lost his footing and found himself on his hands and knees on the razor sharp rocks. He'd left the camp behind, but he couldn't remember how long ago. He was alone now. More alone than he'd ever been in his life. Sitting back on his knees feeling the blood running from his hands and legs he just stared. Hundreds of tiny scrapes and cuts colored his palms. And all he could see was the blood.

But it couldn't be his blood. He was dead. There was nothing left. The darkness had come to swallow him up. Nothing good could survive in that darkness. That's why Alex was gone. He was already dead. She hadn't left him. She'd been taken away. But that wasn't possible. She had just been there. Just a few days ago he'd hugged her, kissed her, and promised to see her later.

And it was his fault. He wanted to see this experiment. He wanted it to be successful. He had sent her off to die. She was dead and he had killed her. For a moment there was just the silence and the darkness.

Then he cracked. Somewhere deep inside something broke. He gasped in pain as the first tears stung his eyes. And then he screamed. He screamed against the darkness. He screamed against the pain. He screamed against a god that would let this happen. He screamed. When he was so exhausted he couldn't scream anymore, he curled in on himself. Wrapping his arms around himself he sobbed. He sobbed until there were no tears left. He shook with silent sobs until his body couldn't shake anymore.

Eventually he found himself staring down at the millions of sparkling crystals in the rocks that reflected the light of the numerous moons. He had no idea when day had become night, and it didn't matter. He was empty now. He was lost. He was tired. He was dead. Somewhere far away he heard Alex's voice laughing, teasing, and cajoling him. He did as she wanted. Feeling cold, numb, and empty Carson turned and walked back the way he had come. In a haze, somehow he made it back to his tent.

~o~o~o~

And that was where they found him the next morning as they all packed up to return to Atlantis. Beckett sat silently on his cot holding Alex's last worn shirt. Sheppard hated himself for this, but he couldn't let the man fall apart now. Carson seemed strangely calm to him.

"You ready, Doc?"

"I'll be there in a moment, Colonel."

"Right. You need a hand with…stuff?"

"No, thank you."

"Alright," Sheppard said, seeing there was nothing more he could do short of dragging the man out of the tent. "We're leaving in ten."

"Understood."

The flat, hollow quality to Carson's voice did nothing to soothe his concerns. But he was no shrink. He decided to give the doctor fifteen minutes, and then he was dragging the man out. Carson emerged five minutes later. The calm, empty expression still fixed firmly in place, he avoided eye contact with anyone until they stepped through the gate to Atlantis. He'd already decided to leave the current, temporary CMO in place and had expressed that in an email to Doctor Weir. Everyone seemed to want to give him space, so all they could do was watch as he left the command center.

Lorne, in about the same shape as Beckett, took his own leave of the command center to seek out his own quarters. No one saw him again for a week. Neither he nor Beckett attended Alex's funeral. Her remains were cremated and the urn left outside Beckett's door. Lorne appeared in full dress uniform for Lieutenant Oaksford's funeral, but then immediately returned to his quarters without a word to anyone.

With most of its leaders in a deep state of mourning, Atlantis had become depressingly quiet.

Gradually, as the weeks past, the city began to regain some sense of vitality again. After all, it had found a new home with new wonders on a new planet just waiting for everyone to explore. Sheppard had found no need to seek out and talk to Major Lorne. When Lorne finally emerged from his quarters a week after their return, he sought out his CO in his office. The hollow look in the Major's eyes hadn't gone, yet, but there was something of life there again, at least. Motioning to a chair opposite the desk, Sheppard sat back in his own and eyed the man. Suddenly the Major didn't look so young, anymore; and Sheppard almost missed the dimples.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

"Talked to Heightmeyer?"

"Not yet."

"So, where do we stand?"

"I was going to ask you that."

Sheppard considered this for a moment. Obviously there was something there Lorne wanted to salvage, or he would have left with the Daedalus.

"I seem to recall a Major performing his duties exceptionally well in recent weeks. And the same Major was needing a break after sustaining a broken arm in the line of duty. Was there something else I'm supposed to remember?"

"No, sir."

"Huh, well. In that case, you should follow SOP. Be in Doctor Heightmeyer's office tomorrow, and report for duty when the cast comes off."

"Thank you, sir," Lorne replied, still not smiling as he stood and headed toward the door.

"Evan," he called, stopping him as a thought occurred to him. "Have you spoken to Carson?"

Lorne turned back toward Sheppard, but shook his head silently.

"When you see him, tell him I have something for him."

It was nearly two weeks before anyone saw Doctor Beckett. When he first emerged he went straight to the infirmary and to his labs. It was clear the man was exhausted and hadn't sleep hardly at all; and, just as likely, hadn't eaten since returning from the Delta Site. But, for the most part, the doctor they all knew and loved had returned. Resuming his duties, Beckett dove into them with fervor. Everyone knew he was using his work as a way to cope, so no one had the heart to stop him. Subtly everyone watched out for him, but no one said anything directly.

A month after their return from the Delta Site, the three men closest to Alex were seen from time to time haunting certain balconies by themselves. And, each time someone found them, the person somehow instinctively knew they did not want to be disturbed.

Life went on for all of them.