I locked myself in my room for what felt like the rest of the day. With all the noise happening downstairs I was unable to focus on everything that really mattered. Val. She really mattered. Thinking about her, with her kind green eyes, made my heart swell. The sudden pain tore through me so much I gasped in a rigid breathe of air. Tears pricked at my swollen eyes again before I hugged Minty to my chest, crying into him again.

There were so many questions I needed answered. So many things I needed to say.

But they barely slipped past my consciousness before the overwhelming dread and sadness rolled over. It bent me forward and made me unable to speak. I could only cry through my swollen and red eyelids and hold my favorite bear closer to me.

I heard the first knock after I calmed myself from my most recent attack. My emotions attacking my need for control. I needed to be in control - needed to know why all of this happened.

Sniffling, I tried to wipe my tears away with the back of my baggy sweater. For some reason I knew it wasn't one of the boys. They would never enter my private space to make sure I was okay. It was just like them to leave you to deal with it.

Val's head poked through the door, "may I come in?"

I tried to smile, "of course." This was her old room, why wouldn't she have the right? It was so Val in here. White and gold wallpaper in elegant designs, wooden dressers and an antique bed frame. I changed nothing in here when I was offered the room because I loved the simpleness of it.

She closed the door softly and glided over. She was now cloaked in a soft red robe, her hair out of her usual bun and in a dismay around her soft face. I scooted over more and she perched her small frame on the edge of the bed. I suddenly noticed just how frail she was. Her hair was thinning, bald spots were apparent just behind her ears. Her wrists were so thin I could wrap my hand around them. Again, dread rose in the pit of my stomach and I clenched my teeth to fight the urge to shut down and cry.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" Val said in a soft voice.

"I could never be mad at you," I said after some consideration. I really couldn't be mad. But I was upset.

"My dear, what have I done." She reached out and pulled me to her. I didn't fight. I couldn't pull away even though I knew all I would do was cry once she touched me. I felt her weak body under mine, holding me. I tried not to make too much noise when I finally began to shed my tears but my body betrayed me and shook violently. I wrapped my arms around her, the smell of raspberries faint in her hair.

"I just wanted you to have a normal summer. That was the least I could do." Val whispered in my ear, stroking my hair.

"I just don't understand, why? How long? Why didn't anyone tell me?" I loved Val the most. Or at least I thought I did. The suddenly terrible thought stung and hurt me to my core. I did care about Val, it almost felt like a betrayal to not have been told.

"The doctors were so sure the chemo sessions were working to slow it down. But the cancer came back more violently than before. Honey, I was going to tell you. I wanted to so bad, but you just weren't old enough to know. Your mother and I decided this year was the time and then she passed away. I couldn't bring myself to hurt you." Val pulled away and her small hand was on my face, stroking my tears with her thumb.

"You've been suffering for years and I never knew."

"I wasn't suffering. Being with you every summer and your mother and Flynn has always been my cure. Watching you grow into a beautiful young woman is one of my greatest achievements and your mother would be so proud of how kind and courageous you are."

None of what Val was saying would make a difference in the fact that she still had cancer. She was still slowly dying and slowly suffering. Being in and out of hospitals, going through radiation. No one should have to live a life like that.

I couldn't say anything. I just hugged her close to me again and cried.

Val never pushed me away, she just held me as I cried all my tears dry. When I was done, she took a pac of small tissues out of the pocket of her robe and handed me one. I gladly blew my nose with it and realized how sore my eyes and cheeks were.

Val was dying. And no one was sure how much longer she had on this earth. The last thing I wanted to do anymore was be away from her. I selfishly spent most of the summer with my own selfish needs.

^.^

A couple hours after Val left, I knew I had to see Hiccup. I stood outside his door, hesitant before knocking and opening it to his room. I found him lying in bed on his phone before putting it down and sitting up.

I didn't say anything as I closed the door and walked over to him. I stood there, looking down at my toes, thinking of what to say.

"Scoot over," I climbed on the edge of the bed close to him. He pushed up with his back on the wall and I rested my head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know -"

"Els, don't. You weren't suppose to know. None of us were. That's exactly what she wanted."

"But how did you know?"

"She didn't want anyone to know so we pretended. But I wish I could have told you, maybe it would have been easier." He wiped his eyes the collar of his shirt and I could tell he was trying so hard to be the strong one.

Hiccup took a big breath, "a couple months before your mom passed away we got a call. Mom was out and Jack answered. It was to confirm the cancer was aggressive again. |But the thing was, we didn't even know she was sick to begin with. Jack was so pissed at her. He started drinking and smoking, quit hockey and then suddenly out of nowhere he left, didn't tell anyone where he was going. Mom was so worried, she actually got sent to the hospital because of how quickly the cancer spread." Hiccup wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I could feel him shaking as he recalled the memories.

"I was at a training camp the week Jack took off and when I got a call from your mom saying that he was missing. Then a week or so later your mom said she was coming down and -" his voice broke at the end and I was able to put all the pieces together.

The reason why mom was even in a car so late at night, why Val and Hiccup didn't know where Jack was during the funeral. It all started to make sense.

Mom was on her way to Val, who was hospitalized because of how worried she was about Jack.

"I didn't know it was because she was coming down from Boston. I honestly didn't know," Hiccup looked up at me apologetically. I couldn't help myself when I reached out towards him and pulled him close to me. Just like Val had to me. He held me and it felt so right to be like this. I felt him grip my back and sob hard into my shoulder.

It felt like some deranged scene from a movie. How could someone be so oblivious to all of this? I didn't know what to say, 'I'm sorry your mom has cancer' hardly seemed fit. With everything that has happened, I suddenly didn't feel like crying. I felt relieved to have finally known what happened to her. I felt like she could finally rest in peace.

Hiccup and I didn't say anything else to each other. We just held one another, shifting ever so slightly so I was in his arms, laying in bed with him. I realized his room changed a little. He had more modern furniture and his usual band posters were replaced with sports ones. I even saw a covered up sports illustrated on his desk.

I didn't realize how tired I was until we fell asleep in each other's arms. Nothing passionate happening between us - just two hurting individuals who needed each other.

^.^

I woke up early the next morning clinging to the edge of the bed. Hiccup was stretched out and snoring, while I was freezing and trying to stay on the bed. I slowly peeled myself away from him - my bed felt much more comfier than his anyways.

Slowly opening the door I squeezed out and shut it once in the hall. I heard a creak from the stairs and Jack stumbled up, catching me as I turned away from Hiccups room.

He was wearing a black leather jacket, clothes from last night still rumpled and his hair was in a dismay. He reeked of cigarettes and booze. Giving me a look, he grinned and put a finger to his lips jokingly before he swayed slightly. He looked like he was about to get sick.

"Are you just getting home?" I wondered, crossing my arms. I remembered what Hiccup had told me about Jack running away and suddenly felt very outwardly different towards him. I didn't mean to make it sound so cruel and judgy but the small remark was filled with venom.

"Aren't you suppose to be nice to me now? Like how you were to Hic last night." A grin played at his lips and I didn't want to make him feel justified by answering. Hiccup and I had cried ourselves to sleep, nothing had happened. But Jack didn't deserve to know.

"You're the most selfish person I've ever met." I said each word slowly, deliberately letting each one puncture the air. I never wanted to hurt someone so badly in my entire life.

"I can't believe I ever thought I loved you."

I watched his face turn white. He opened and closed his mouth. And then he did it again. I've never seen him at a loss of words before.

I walked back to my room. It was the first time I had ever gotten the last word in with Jack. I had done it - finally I had let him go. It felt like freedom. But freedom came at a terrible and bloody price. Did I even have the right to say those things to him? He was hurting too, just like I was. Did I have any rights to him? He was in pain and so I was.

When I got into my bed and under the covers I cried some more. And here I foolishly thought I couldn't have anymore tears left to cry. Everything was wrong.

How could all I have cared about was worrying about the boys, swimming and tanning. All while Val was sick. The thought of life without Val felt impossible, inconceivable. I couldn't even picture it.

I dreamt of my mom that morning. She was clocked in white and stood on a grass field. I recognized it from back home - the park she took Fin and I too when we were young.

Mom turned to face me. She had Finn's hair and my eyes. They were so sad and I suddenly was aware she knew.

"I'm not ready." I said aloud and she stepped slower to me, touching my hair.

"You have to be ready. You're still alive and so is Valka. You have to be strong for her. She needs you."

She was right, Val needed me. And that was something I could do. For Val.

Mom kissed my forehead. "I'll do it," I said and I could feel her smiling.

Authors Notes:

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