I'm trying to absorb as much information as I can. I'm looking for anything concerning Time Wraiths, but S.T.A.R. Labs had so much on Hunter Zolomon. On Speedsters. On the differences between earths, Metahumans, science beyond many corporation's dreams.
I'm fascinated.
I kept backtracking through rabbit trails and falling down slippery-slopes of curiosity. They stored everything they learned without fail. Barry's health records, technological breakthroughs... and videos.
Cisco seemed to like videoing Barry's escapades. Some was to refine his techniques, I'm sure, and others were simply because Cisco liked having them as trophies. But some were far from celebratory.
"You're no hero," Caitlin said. "You're nothing but a monster."
I freeze the footage from the security system, watching Jay's face. Did Caitlin know what had happened between his parents when he was just a child? Did she know that those words were scarred onto his heart, seared in his mind? Did she know it would make him flinch?
Did she know she hurt him?
I can't blame her. Look at how many people he had hurt, how many he was hurting. But seeing the pain on his face still hurts me in turn.
"You just don't care how many lives you destroy trying to get it? How many people you kill?" Barry had asked.
"No, I don't. That feeling was taken from me a long time ago."
That was the feeling I wanted to give back to him. Even when I deluded myself into thinking that I knew it couldn't be permanent, I'd wanted at least a few moments where he cared. About anything.
About me.
I hear footsteps behind me and close out of the security system, turning off the computer. I wonder if I can do it again. Fight the same battles with the same man, arguing that he could care, that he should care. I wonder if it's possible. If I'm up for it.
Then I see his face. Not the hateful crackle of electricity. Not the broken flinch. But the grin. Insane, perhaps. Sadistic, even.
And I know I can never stop fighting.
"Ready to give this another shot?" Cisco asks, walking into the Cortex and holding up his glasses.
"Always ready," I reply.